Chapter 12
I couldn’t tell you what direction we rode in, or how much time had passed. I spent the ride in a nearly catatonic state, not speaking, movements passive. Nikolas would occasionally take my face and gently turn it so that he could look into my eyes. I wasn’t clear on what he was searching for there, and I was too numb to ask. I was vaguely aware of the way my skin felt when he touched me, the tingling returned, feeling like hundreds of pleasant little sparks were dancing upon my skin.
I had an inkling he was checking make sure I hadn’t died of shock. I hadn’t, but whether or not I still might was up in the air.
The world seemed to swirl around me, an endless blur of faces passing by my eyes…my father’s, faces of the Knights of Castle Lux, the Black Knights, and the anguish on Liam’s face before he demanded that Nikolas get me to safety.
Guilt clawed through me like a rabid dog trying to exorcise itself from my body. Possible outcomes of the battle tortured my mind, nausea rolled through me.
Without knowing how I got there, I realized all at once that I was seated on the ground. To my left a pond as still as glass sat mirroring the purple moon and thousands of twinkling stars above, beyond that only trees. To my right the trees stretched out endlessly, their thick foliage quiet as the dead. Even the night held its breath.
Lost in my own mind, I hadn’t noticed that Nikolas had erected a small tent, well, lean-to really, and had a warm blue fire glowing close by. I also noticed a thick, gray blanket was wrapped around my shoulders, something I knew he was responsible for.
I watched him tether the horse to a tree and provide it with a bucket of water. When he was done, he glanced to me but stopped dead in his tracks when our eyes met.
His tense body relaxed and he crossed the space between us and dropped to his knees in front of me, only inches away. He reached out a hand, but stopped it just short of my face. The compassion in his eyes startled me. For all his confidence and angry glares, I wouldn’t have thought him capable of producing such a look. When he spoke to me, his words were soft and kind. “There she is.”
My fingers sought out my birthmark and he glanced down at it, but said nothing. “Those men…people died…to protect me?” Tears brimmed in my eyes as I stared at him, awaiting his answer.
His eyes stared back at me, pools of blue that had no end. Reaching to take my hand in his, he spoke tenderly to me. “Gladly, they did so gladly.” The familiar tingling soothed me as his bare skin touched mine, there was something therapeutic about his touch.
The tears streamed down my cheeks now, pent up emotions hitting me like a ton of bricks. “I didn’t, I mean…I didn’t want them to…they didn’t have to die for me.” I choked out between sobs.
Like it was second nature to him, he scooped me into his arms, tucking my head beneath his chin. One hand delicately cradling the back of my head, the other working in comforting circles at my back. For a moment he didn’t speak, when he did, I could feel the words rumble through his chest. “It is our duty, it is our honor to protect and if need be, die.”
“I don’t want…people to die…for me.” I managed between ragged breaths.
“I know. And…that is what makes it an honor.” His words were quiet and thoughtful now.
“What if more die? What if…my father…and Liam…” I trailed off, unable to complete the thought out loud.
His hand on my back stilled and he carefully guided me back until he could see my face. “I think you underestimate them.”
I felt a twinge of hope stir in my belly. If he believed, so could I. “You think there’s a chance they’re okay?”
I saw confidence flicker across his face once more. Carefully, he lowered his arms to give me my space, pausing slightly to make sure I didn’t fall apart again. “I think it’s much more than a chance.” Then he smiled. “Have a little faith.”
That brought a small smile to my face and I settled myself, legs crossed Indian style beneath my dress. I willed myself to have the faith he’d suggested, pushing back my doubts to the edge of my mind. I tried to think of other things, another direction in which to take the conversation and it wasn’t so difficult…I did have a multitude of questions.
Nikolas leaned back, propping himself on his hands, legs stretched out in front crossed at his ankles. He watched me pensively for a moment before I broke the silence.
“Will you tell me about my father?” I asked as I doodled absently in the dirt.
“What would you like to know?” He asked, a small smile playing on his lips.
“Everything.” I said.
His face was thoughtful as he nodded, then he began. “He is an excellent King. Our history has taught us that power often corrupts, leading a man who was once good to become someone even he himself would not recognize. Your father is no such man. He rules justly and the land has prospered under his reign. His is well loved by the people.
“And he loves your mother…and he loves you. Today is the happiest I’ve seen him.” He leaned toward me now, pulling in his knees and draping his arms around them. “He and your mother have been lost without you.” He said quietly.
I smoothed out the fabric of my dress, just to have something to do. “It’s strange to find out that your life has been a…lie. And…I miss them now, and…I don’t even know them.”
He gave me a compassionate smile and ran a hand through his mess of curls, holding my gaze with his tranquil blue eyes. “Perhaps your mind does not recall them, but…your soul does. I believe that…the ones we truly care for are bound to us, tethered to our hearts with a rope we cannot see, but that we feel.”
Nikolas’ words were profound, ringing with a wisdom and understanding that I’d never found in someone so young. Come to think of it, I hadn’t come across it at all. But, he made perfect sense to me, I wanted to believe his words, I needed to.
He was studying me again now, looking like there was something he needed to say. Keeping his thoughts pent up looked painful for him and I decided to put him out of his misery. “Is there something you’d like to say?”
Gaze finding the ground, he spoke. “I would not want to upset you.”
I rose onto my knees and reached out to touch his arm. “No, I…I want to know, if you don’t mind telling me.”
His eyes were locked on my hand upon his arm for a long moment before he looked up at me. His words came out quiet and almost nervous. “I…I remember you.”
My hand fell from his arm and I blinked at him, unsure of what he meant. “Wh—How, how do you remember me?”
He scooted away to lean his back against a nearby tree and rested his head against the bark. “When we were children…I remember.” The confusion on my face prompted him to continue. “You were such a tiny thing, all cheeks and curls. I thought you were the best toy ever.” He laughed and I felt my own smile break on my face. “I would spend hours making funny faces for you and putting on puppet shows. And you would giggle in that utterly happy way that only babies can.”
I even chuckled with him for a moment at the thought. “Wait, how old were you?” I asked.
“Four years old…I was four when you…went away.” The laughter had died away now and he stared somewhere behind me, focused on a distant memory. “You cannot imagine the heartbreak of a four year old boy over such a loss. I was too young to understand why it was necessary. I’ve wondered so many times through the years where you were, what you were doing, what you looked like now.” He looked back to me and held my eyes with his own. “I’ve never forgotten you.”
What do you say to that? I just sat there, sinking deeper into his eyes for a long while. After an undetermined amount of time, I spoke. “Is that why you keep looking at me like I’m some sort of enigma?” My words were quiet and shy.
Nikolas’ eyes widened, as if he was shocked I’d noticed. But, someone like Nikolas staring you down is not something that wou
ld ever go unnoticed.
He looked down again searching for nothing at all in the dirt, but before speaking he looked at me again. “No. I look at you that way because…I have seen your face a thousand times in my dreams, only, I did not know it was you. Then, I saw you and realized it was your face.” He paused to take a deep breath. “I know, it sounds insane.” His brow creased with worry.
I gave him a small smile. “The past few days have just been varying degrees of insane, I don’t think you can tell me anything I wouldn’t believe at this point.” I chuckled a little and so did he.
“I can understand that.” He said.
“What do you think it means?” I asked him after a stretch of silence.
He stared into the fire as he answered. “That I do not know.”
After a few more exchanges that were simple small talk and in no way profound, crazy, or life-changing, we decided to try and rest.
I lay down on the ground, only the fire and blue flame between us.
For a while, I looked everywhere but him…as long as I could stand it. But, the pull was too great, and eventually my eyes sought him out. I found myself staring into the blue depths of his eyes as he stared back at me, he didn’t even attempt to pretend he hadn’t been watching me. My normal reaction would’ve have been to look away as soon as I met his eyes, but I was enthralled by him, and I couldn’t have looked away if I’d wanted to.
So we just stared at each other like we were trying to read the other’s soul. I don’t know how long, only that those blue eyes were the last thing I saw before I drifted away into the depths of my dreams.