“What the hell are you doing here? You know—”
“I need to talk to you.”
“You could’ve phoned.”
“I wanted to see your face. Did they question you today?”
“Yeah, you?”
“Yeah. I’ve got an alibi. I was home with my mom all that night, repainting her kitchen. They were still giving me a hard time, saying she was lying to protect me, but her boyfriend stopped by and saw me there.”
I was relieved for him but still angry at the situation we were in, that he had put me in. “I was working, then stopped at a store on the way home, but I don’t know what time she was killed. I called Suzanne. They want me in for a review.”
“I got a call too. It’s going to be more than a review, Toni. They just say that shit so you don’t pull a runner. As soon as you show up, the cuffs are on.”
I’d already figured that out for myself. “You shouldn’t be here. I told the cops I hadn’t seen you, but they’re probably keeping an eye on us.”
He was studying my face. I glanced down, fiddled with my blanket, but he’d caught on that something had changed.
“What else did Hicks say?”
I looked back at him. “That you got in trouble in prison and that he’d heard you had the hots for Nicole.”
“That’s a fucking lie—like I’d screw around with your little sister. You know you were the only thing I gave a shit about.”
“I know. He was just messing with me. He also said something about you two going off to a bedroom at a party, but I know it was bullshit.”
This time, though, Ryan’s face flushed.
“What the hell, Ryan?”
He met my eyes, his jaw tight. “You were working late one night, so I stopped at a party. I didn’t know Nicole was there with the girls. She was super-hammered and falling all over herself. She told me she was going to be sick, so I took her to one of the bedrooms. She was puking in the en suite, and embarrassed, so we stayed in there until she sobered up a little. I tried to talk to her about drinking, said she had to take it easy.…”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I felt unsettled and confused, shocked that he’d never told me. I thought we had no secrets.
“She begged me not to say anything, and you guys were already fighting so much that summer. I didn’t want to cause more problems or stress you out.”
“You should’ve said something.” My face was hot with anger and hurt.
“You’re right. I screwed up.”
I couldn’t look at him, afraid I’d cry. Our relationship had been the only thing I could count on back then, the only thing I knew was true. Now I didn’t know what to think. I stared down at the table.
He grabbed my hand. “Hey, I’m telling the truth, okay?”
I thought about Shauna’s insinuations the night she came to my boat. She must’ve known about the party, but was there something else? I remembered how Nicole would always hang out when Ryan was over, how he said she looked good at that party we were at together, how he always stuck up for her.
I pulled my hand away. “What else are you keeping from me?”
Now he looked angry. “Look, I know you’re pissed, but it was just a stupid lie—I was a kid, I thought I was protecting you. You were all I cared about.”
I held his gaze, until I saw the truth in his face and felt relief, then guilt and shame. Why had I let Shauna and Hicks mess with my head? “I believe you, okay? But you have to get out of here, Ryan. It’s too risky.”
“I know.” He sighed. “I just wanted to warn you that we’re going back in. I can feel it, so take care of whatever you’ve got to take care of.”
He reached in, grabbed the back of my hair, and pulled me in for a kiss. His mouth was hard against mine, his unshaven chin rough. I tasted his scent, his skin, his open warm mouth, his tongue pushing into my mouth, familiar but stronger now, a man’s kiss. I opened my mouth wider, my tongue tangling with his for a moment, and moaned deep in the back of my throat. The sound startled me, snapped me out of it. I pushed him away, saying, “What the hell did you do that for?” Captain stood up on the bed, hackles raised and a low growl coming from his chest. I gave him a signal to stand down.
Ryan’s face was agonized, his breath ragged, but there was also relief in his eyes. “I had to see if it was still there.” Then he disappeared into the dark.
* * *
The next morning I took Captain for a long walk, trying not to think about the kiss, telling myself that it didn’t mean anything, it couldn’t mean anything. But the truth was that it had meant way too much. I’d felt something in those few moments that I hadn’t felt in years—excitement, happiness, and fear of feeling that good again. But it didn’t matter if there was something still between us—what could we do about it? Nothing at the moment, that was for sure. I couldn’t let it mess with my head, not now. I had bigger shit to worry about.
I packed Captain’s bed, bowl, leashes, all his toys, and drove to the shelter. It killed me to see how excited he was, thinking we were going somewhere fun, his head hanging out the window. When we got to the shelter, he was still wagging his tail, looking for his friends in the backyard, which made me feel a little better about what I had to do. Stephanie came out of her office when she heard me talking to the other girls.
“Hey, Toni.” She knelt down to give Captain a kiss, which he returned enthusiastically.
Some of the other staff were watching us, so I said, “Can I talk to you alone in your office for a moment?” No one had mentioned the newspaper article, and they’d been polite, but I was sure they’d all seen it.
“Sure thing.”
We went in and she lifted a small white dog off my chair, then sat down on the other side of her desk, the dog in her lap.
“What’s up?” Her face was neutral, but when I glanced to the side of her desk, I noticed a corner of the newspaper sticking out, like she’d quickly tried to cover it when she heard me out front. A wave of disappointment and sadness crashed over me. I’d liked Stephanie a lot, had even imagined we could be friends one day, but now I was sure she’d want nothing to do with me. I just hoped she’d still help me out.
“It looks like I was right and my parole’s going to be suspended.” I felt close to tears. “The cops questioned me about something recently, and that’s all it takes. I have an alibi, a solid one, and I didn’t do anything wrong,” I stressed, holding her eyes. “But until I get cleared, I’ll probably be sent back.”
“So you need to surrender Captain?”
I nodded, struggling to get the words out. “I could be gone for a couple of months.” Tears were running down my face now.
She leaned forward. “Look, if you surrender him, he probably won’t get adopted for a while, and I can try to make it that way.”
I tried to smile through my tears. “That’s what I was hoping, but I just hate that he’s going to think I’m abandoning him.”
“He’ll be upset at first but he’s got lots of friends here and he’ll get walks every day. He’ll be safe. And when you get out, if he’s still here you can adopt him again, okay? If he goes anywhere, I’ll make sure it’s a great home.”
I took a breath, tried to think of what was best for Captain. “What do I have to sign?”
After I was done with the paperwork, I handed over Captain’s leash and asked Stephanie to take him to the back before I brought his stuff in. While he played with the other dogs I carried his bed and toys inside. I also gave Stephanie my laptop and asked her to look after it for me, explaining that I didn’t have anyone else I trusted. She said she’d take it to her house. Then she let me go in the backyard to watch Captain play for a while. I stood in a patch of sunlight and tried to hold on to that image: Captain having fun, running around and chasing the other dogs. While he was distracted, I slipped out.
In the parking lot, I looked back. Captain was standing at the chain-link fence now, barking and howling, racing up and down, having caught on th
at I was leaving him. I turned my back, walking fast until I got to my truck, then drove away. I cried for a few miles, hard, painful sobs that shook my whole body, then I shut down. I told myself to toughen up—he’d get over me and find a better home.
I wiped at my face, took some deep shuddering breaths. He would be okay.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
ROCKLAND PENITENTIARY, VANCOUVER
JUNE 2013
I went back to the campground and packed my stuff, putting it in cardboard boxes that I’d found in the Dumpster. I worked systematically, not allowing myself to feel anything, or think about Captain, even when I stumbled over one of his bones. I used all the skills I’d learned in prison, concentrating on the task, tuning everything else out, disconnecting from my emotions. An hour later I got a text from Suzanne: Please come in for a talk this afternoon at 2:00.
I spoke to the campsite guy, paid my bill, and asked if he could store a few things there for me. He said, “Yeah, for a price.” So I paid a small amount and hoofed everything down to his storage room. I drove to Courtenay, my window rolled all the way down, the music hard and loud, making the dashboard vibrate while I tried to suck up every last bit of fresh air and freedom.
At Suzanne’s office I was buzzed in, then the door automatically locked behind me with a solid click that was familiar and terrifying. There were already two police officers standing in the office. They read me the parole suspension warrant, then asked me to turn around and put my hands behind my back. The cuffs circled my wrists, tight and cold. I’d been prepared, but my legs were wobbly with fear, my brain crowded with memories of my first arrest, going to Rockland, where I had no say over my life, and now it was all happening again.
Suzanne was watching. Her face was expressionless but for a second I thought I saw something in her eyes, a slight hesitation.
I said, “Suzanne, I didn’t do anything—I have an alibi.”
“It’s just a time-out, Toni, until the police finish their investigation and can clear you. It’s an issue of public safety.”
“What about my safety? There are people inside who are going to try to kick my ass.”
“Who?”
“You know I can’t tell you.” The second I started naming names, I was asking for a worse beat-down.
“Then I can’t help you.”
I already knew that. No one could help me now.
I was put into the back of the police car, my hands still in cuffs behind me, uncomfortable. I stared out the window, already feeling separate, removed from the world I’d just become a part of again. We stopped at a light and I looked over at the ocean, remembered walking on a beach with Captain just the day before.
They booked me in at the station, then flew me over to Rockland, where I went through the intake process again. I was trying not to worry about what might happen once I was put in general population. I told myself the odds of Helen being aware that I was back in the joint were slim. She’d also be out on parole by now and she had better things to worry about than old enemies. I also had a lot of friends inside, and if some of her friends tried to mess with me, they’d have problems.
I was given a single cell in my old block. At least I wouldn’t have to deal with a roommate. It was late by then, and everyone was already sleeping, so I made my bed and climbed in, exhausted. In the morning, Margaret was the first person I saw in the cafeteria. She gave me a smile, happy to see me, but her eyes told me she was sad I was back inside. When the officer was looking the other way, we gave each other a quick hug.
“Heard you were back in here, girl,” she said as we pulled apart. “I hoped it wasn’t true, but then I saw the news last night.…”
I had a feeling it wouldn’t take long for the media to find out that I’d lost my parole, but it made me sick and embarrassed, thinking of my parents and Mike and everyone else who’d seen the story, the whole town likely gossiping that Ryan and I had killed Cathy in some sort of revenge thing.
“It’s total bullshit,” I said.
We sat in the corner and I told Margaret what was going on and what had happened at the halfway house with Helen.
“I’m hoping I don’t run into any of her friends,” I said.
“I’ll keep an eye out for you.” When Brenda and Amber joined us in the cafeteria I filled them in and they also swore they had my back.
The first week wasn’t too bad. Once I’d gotten over the initial shock, I settled into the prison rhythm again, clinging to the belief that I was going to get out of there soon. I’d called Angus Reed, who was still practicing in town though he was in his late sixties now, and he made a few calls. He said the police were being quiet but it didn’t seem like they had any real evidence on me or Ryan. Suzanne came to Rockland for a post-suspension interview, getting my side of everything that had happened, so she could see where my head was at. She asked me a lot of questions about Shauna and the girls. I told her about Shauna coming to the boat, but never shared that I’d seen Cathy in the park. Suzanne told me she’d be in touch. I had a feeling she was going to keep me in for the full thirty days even if the police cleared me, so she could let things cool down. I just hoped that she canceled the suspension herself and didn’t refer me to the Parole Board or I’d be trapped for months.
It was good to see Margaret again and I realized how much I’d missed the old broad—how much I’d missed having friends. She made me give her a pedicure and foot rub the first day I was back, saying she hadn’t found anyone else decent—but I wished we could spend time together on the outside, like real people. I talked to her about Ryan and Captain, how I hoped they were okay.
“You’ll get out soon, girl,” she said, groaning when I hit a sore spot. She stared down at her feet, looked at her gnarled hands. “I don’t know how many more years I can last in here. It’s no kind of life, my body always hurting.”
“I’m sorry, Margaret.” I felt like an asshole. At least I had a chance of getting out soon. Margaret had to wait another ten years before she was eligible.
“Nothing for you to be sorry about.” She wiggled her foot. “Now get back to work.”
* * *
Margaret and I played cards every day, and I started running the track again, trying to pass the time. The first week Suzanne called with a few more questions, asking me again about Shauna. I could tell that she was trying to assess my anger. It was hard to keep my frustration contained, especially when she wouldn’t give me any firm answers about my suspension status, but I kept my mouth shut.
So far I hadn’t had any issues with other inmates, other than one run-in with a new inmate who thought she could get me to buy stuff for her in the canteen, but I set her straight in a hurry. I just had to hang in there for a little while longer.
Then one day, when Margaret and I were playing cards on the range, an inmate named Josie, who I didn’t know very well, ran up to Margaret and whispered in her ear, glancing at me, her face nervous.
“What’s going on?” I set my cards down.
Margaret motioned for Josie to leave us alone, then turned to me. “Helen’s parole got suspended—for dealing. She’s back in.”
“Shit. That’s not good.”
“It gets worse, Toni. She’s been telling everyone you ratted her out when you were both at the halfway house.”
“That’s bullshit. I never said crap about her.”
“Don’t matter. You know as well as me there’s no trial in here, just guilty as charged.”
“So what are people saying?”
“Everyone’s pissed at you—you got more than a few enemies now.”
* * *
That day out in the exercise yard, I felt the tension in the air. I tried to focus on running the track, but it was hard to get a good pace going when I had to keep an eye on the other inmates, making sure no one tried anything. Amber and Brenda were both nearby, walking around the track in case I needed them. There were a few women standing around in clusters, watching me. Many of them I knew, and I
hadn’t had a problem with them before, but that didn’t mean anything. Once you get labeled as a rat by another inmate, you’ve got trouble. I hadn’t seen Helen yet but I knew that was a matter of time. Some of the guards were keeping an eye on me and the other girls, so they’d probably heard rumors, but I wasn’t sure they’d break anything up if someone started to give me a hard time. Some of them liked to get shit rolling, so we’d get thrown in segregation.
Later, in the range, I sat down beside Margaret at one of the tables, where she was playing a game with a few women. The other cardplayers got up and walked away, giving me dirty looks.
I said, “Shit, I’m sorry, Margaret.”
“Don’t be. I was losing.” She smiled, and I had to laugh, though it came out sounding nervous and stressed. She said, “Come on. Let’s play a game.”
Margaret had just dealt me a hand when I saw her look up, her body tense and her face serious. Helen dropped down beside me, real close.
“Hey, bitch, I missed your skinny ass.”
“Can’t say the same.” My gaze flicked to one of the guards, who was talking to another officer, neither of them aware of what was going on.
Helen leaned closer, sniffed at the air. “Something stinks. Smells like a rat to me.”
“I never ratted you out, so you need to let go of this beef with me. If I were going to say something, I’d have done it when I first got to the house.”
Margaret said, “Why don’t you just back off, Helen?”
Helen said, “This isn’t your problem.”
“You mess with my girl here and you make it my problem.”
Brenda and Amber materialized behind Margaret, glaring at Helen.
“You better leave our girl alone,” Brenda said.
“It’s okay,” I said. “Helen and I were just working shit out. Right, Helen?” Brenda could hold her own, and Margaret had status—I’d be surprised if Helen tried anything with her—but Amber was young and small, and I worried about her.
“We haven’t worked anything out,” Helen said. “I know it was you. And I’m going to fuck you up good. And if any of your friends get in the way…” She took a moment to stare at Brenda and Amber, lingering on Amber, with a vicious smile. “I’ll fuck them up too.” And with that she walked away.