Chapter 1.5
Tom and Elaine couldn’t coordinate their schedules to take the boys to ride go-carts until the middle of December. In the meantime, when he couldn’t sleep at night, Tom read all the books that Dr. Lowan recommended, and bought a few more on the Internet. He began to expand from books about grieving, some of which he tried unsuccessfully to lend to Josh, into books about different personality types. He suspected that he was partially compensating for his loneliness with reading, but he didn’t see anything terribly wrong with that. And he was learning a lot, which he hoped might come in handy to impress Elaine.
As they stood at the railing watching the kids whiz around the track, Elaine said, “Josh seems to be doing better.”
Tom said, “Do you really think so? Honestly?”
“Yes, really. I know he’s very disappointed about moving. Losing his Mom and his home in the same year is awfully hard. But he’s not so…, I don’t know. He doesn’t have that deer in the headlights look in his eyes anymore.”
“I know what you mean. I didn’t help matters for a while there, because I was in shock myself. But I’ve gotten much better at making him feel secure.”
“He’s become the star of the soccer team, they tell me.”
“I know. I wish I could take off on the afternoons of the games to watch him play, but I always have to work. I’m going to do it at least once this fall. How’s Max doing in wrestling?”
“Just medium, I would say. But he’s always threatening to become such an introverted academic nerd, that I think it’s helping him stay well rounded. And he likes it. He doesn’t care that he’s not a star. So it’s OK.”
“That’s good. I’ve been thinking about our problem with the mortgage payments. Technically we can stay in the house, but it’s a bad money decision. But I’m leaning toward doing it anyway for Josh’s sake. What do you think?” Tom leaned into the railing so that he could look more directly into Elaine’s eyes.
“How bad a money decision, if you don’t mind telling me?” she said.
“I don’t mind. I don’t have any secrets. I found out that we can get a little bit of social security benefits from Bonnie, which helps some. The other part is that we have sixteen years left on a thirty-year mortgage. If I refinance the balance over a new thirty-year term, I would be able to make the payments on my own. But it would cost a fortune in interest over the long term.”
“I see. It’s not that completely terrible a money decision. It’s probably better than not owning a home at all, if you count for the facts that you’d have nothing to show for rent payments, and the house will appreciate over the years. And there’s the tax deduction.”
Elaine’s face became animated. “But the main thing is that Josh would be much happier. He’s moping around my place dreading the move all the time. Do it for him is my vote. My emphatic vote.”
Tom smiled at her with genuine affection. “OK. You convinced me. I guess I’m not used to making decisions without talking it over with Bonnie. She was always so logical.”
“That must be hard to get used to. I always had to do it all myself. Tell him today. I’d like to see his reaction. You have no idea what good news this would be for him.”
When the boys came off the track and they all sat down with a plate of nachos and soft drinks, Elaine said, “Go ahead. Tell him.”
Josh said, “Tell me what?”
Max said, “Please don’t say that you found a place in another school district, Mr. Greenwood.”
Tom said, “Max you don’t have to call me Mr. Greenwood anymore. Tom will do.”
“Uncle Tom doesn’t sound right, does it?” said Max with an evil grin.
“Tell me what?” said Josh empathically. “Max, shut up.”
“We are staying in the house. No move.”
Josh’s eyes got big. “Don’t be kidding about this Daddy. Are you serious?”
Tom grinned. Josh hadn’t called him Daddy in months. “Yep. Dead, no kidding, pure serious.”
“How is that possible?” said Josh.
“I’ll show you the numbers at home,” said Tom. “You should learn about this stuff.”
Josh let out a whoop that made the other patrons in the snack bar turn their heads and then half crawled onto the table, oblivious to putting his knee in the nachos, and gave Tom a noisy smooch that landed in front of his left ear. Then he yanked Max up out of his seat and started a dance with him to the music coming over the speakers.
Tom laughed and said to Elaine, “That was a success.”
“I think your son is pleased,” she said dryly. The beginnings of crow’s-feet crinkled around her eyes as her mouth struggled to stay straight.
The boys went back onto the track again, and Tom debated with himself for a minute whether to take a risk with Dr. Lowan’s advice or not. Elaine was in good spirits, and Tom decided to give it a try.
“I was thinking about what you said before about the man that you couldn’t have. Mr. X, I call him in my mind. I wanted to apologize for being a smart-ass about it. Whatever happened to you, it must have been very difficult, and I shouldn’t make light of it.”
Elaine stared. “Thank you. It was,” she said.
Bull’s-eye, Tom thought. And what was cool about it was that it didn’t feel phony. It felt more honest than what he said the last time anyway. He smiled and reached out to cover her hand with his. She did not pull away. He hoped she’d say something more, tell him about Mr. X, or give him a clue what to do next. Something. But she didn’t. He was trying, and failing, to come up with a good idea for his next move, when she finally said, “I can’t talk about it.”
“You can’t talk about it because it’s too hurtful?” he asked, with real sympathy.
“No. I mean I can’t talk about it for legal reasons.”
“Oh,” he said, surprised.
“But I do appreciate your sympathy. I really do. You are very kind.”
“Now I see why you can’t get over it. Because you can’t talk about it, so it stays inside you.”
She looked surprised. “I never thought of that. And I thought I was the psychological one. Are you sure you’re the same Tom Greenwood that used to be married to my best friend Bonnie Greenwood?”
“No. I guess not. Dr. Lowan from Maple Valley gave me some books to read on the grieving process. I guess I connected the rest of the dots from there. You haven’t been able to grieve over your loss properly.”
“Well, see, that’s part of the problem. He’s not dead. While he’s still alive, there’s hope.”
“Hope for what? That he’ll come back to you?” Talking about Mr. X without trying to convince her of anything was uncomfortable, but Tom stuck with it.
“Maybe. More hope that he’ll regret what he did and at least apologize properly. I can’t ever reconcile it in my mind. The man I loved and the man who cold-bloodedly dumped me for reasons that had nothing to do with our relationship. Which one was the real one? Did I love a jerk, or a wonderful guy who made a terrible mistake? It drives me nuts.”
“You wish you could get a clearer answer to that, and then you could move on? That’s interesting.”
“That’s it in a nutshell. Plus I love Max more than life itself, but it doesn’t help that I’m looking at a smaller version of Mr. X every day of my life.”
“Right. I can understand that, too. I wish I could find an answer to your question so you could be free, but I’ve got almost nothing to go on, except being a guy and trying to imagine.”
She laughed. “So, Mr. Wizard, where does that lead you?”
“Reasons unrelated to your relationship, you said?”
“Yes.”
“Not another woman. You would’ve probably said that.”
“Correct. Unrelated to any relationship.”
Tom munched on a nacho and considered. “So. Have I got this right? He gives up the woman he loves, wh
o is pregnant... Did he know you were pregnant?”
“Yes”
“He gives up the woman he loves and their child for either something he thinks is more important, or maybe to avoid something that he thinks would be damaging to him. OK. Here’s my diagnosis. Immaturity. Most men don’t get a clue about what’s really important until they’re about forty.”
“How old are you?”
“Forty-one.”
“So have you just given birth to a clue?”
Tom laughed. “Yeah. You could say that. Having no one else around to do it for me hasn’t hurt either.”
“Right. So. Immaturity. That wasn’t on my list.” Elaine squeezed her lower lip while she thought about it.
“I know. See. I’m not so dumb after all.”
“I never thought you were dumb. Only that you never took anything seriously. That’s different.”
“You told Max, who told Josh, that if I don’t care much about anything, then I could never care much about you.”
“Oh my God. I’m so sorry. I never meant for you to hear that.”
“No, I bet not. But it was very smart. I took it to heart. It’s true. If I don’t want anything very much, I can’t be disappointed when I don’t get it.”
“Yes, but if you don’t try very hard, you won’t get a lot of things anyway. It’s a circle.”
“Right. So I am going to change that.”
“How are you going to do that?”
“I’m going to give something my all. Namely courting you.”
“Oh,” she said and made a face. “That might not be a good first choice. I’m not really emotionally available.”
“I know.”
“OK then.”
The boys came back again, happier than Tom had seen either of them since the accident.
“We’ve made a decision,” said Max, apparently elected as the spokesman.
“What, Hon?” said Elaine.
“We’re in favor of you two dating.”
Tom cracked up. Elaine closed her eyes and slowly shook her head.
“Were you under the impression that we needed your permission?” Tom asked Max.
Max flatly stated, and Tom had to admit that it was true, “We could’ve ruined your chances if we wanted to. But you’ve got the all clear.”
Josh added, “And Aunt E, I think my Mom would approve too.”
Elaine felt cornered. But she also felt less lonely than she had felt in fifteen years. A family seemed to be forming around her in spite of herself. “We’ll see how it goes, I guess,” she said. “I’m not promising anything.”
Tom grinned his super-sized, charm-the-daylights-out-of-‘em, ain’t-I-just-too-damn-cute grin full force at Elaine. The one she used to think was slightly goofy, and not terribly attractive. But this time his genuine pleasure ignited in her a spark of hope. It didn’t grow into a complete thought that there might yet be love in her future, but it flickered there underneath the surface.
Elaine worked a long day at the nursery a few days before Christmas and left barely in time to pick up Max and Josh. Max was excited about their upcoming trip to Disney World. Josh pestered her as usual about what she and Tom were planning for the weekend, before Elaine and Max went on their trip. Josh never stopped looking for clues as to whether she and Tom were getting serious. She was getting used to Tom, and she liked the companionship and a little occasional making out, but she wasn’t quite ready for more, especially a joint Christmas celebration. So she avoided the problem by reserving a trip for she and Max to Disney World, which she’d been promising him for a year anyway. Josh wasn’t happy about being left behind of course, but she did succeed in making the point that she and Max were still independent. After she dropped Josh off and got dinner started she went out to get the mail.
She flipped through the pile at the kitchen sink, throwing the junk right into the trash, and stopped in mid motion to stare at a Christmas card envelope that she had never expected to see. The return address was from where she knew Mr. X to be: the Colorado Statehouse. He had never contacted her personally since they broke up. She supposed that someone on his staff might have a reason to inform her, well, of what? That the Governor of Colorado was broke, dying, or maybe going to jail and asking for her. Yeah right. Maybe it had something to do with what she’d been hearing on the news lately. He was being discussed as a possible presidential candidate. She put his name into a search engine once in a while and read everything there was to know about his career. She knew that he couldn’t possibly risk a presidential campaign with Max and her waiting to be discovered by an enterprising reporter. She’d been waiting for something to happen.
She turned the envelope over and looked at it from all angles as if it might yield a clue as to what might be inside. The card was from David Wells himself, not some staffer. She was already sure of that.
She checked on Max, who was engrossed in his homework, and decided he would not interrupt her if she opened the envelope now. Just to be safe, she went into her bedroom, where she could hide it quickly. What on earth was Dave thinking, writing to her where Max might have come across it in the mail? It was an ordinary Christmas card, but there was a letter written on the facing page.
Dear Elaine,
I hope that this letter finds you and the child well. Do you know that I never found out if it was a girl or a boy? I would appreciate any information that you would be willing to share about him or her. Perhaps you would send me some pictures, if you would be so kind. I know it must be a bit of a shock, after my behavior in the past. I can’t imagine what you must think of me. I have wondered nearly every day since we broke up how you both are doing. Now that I am older, the rabid ambition of my youth seems, well, rather unseemly. Not that that is any excuse.
I once again apologize for having put you in this position. I wish I could change the past, but I cannot do that. I really am sorry.
Looking forward to your reply, and still affectionately yours,
Dave
P.S. If you do choose to reply, please use the code under the return address to signify confidential mail.
Elaine could hardly think. It all came rushing back. She thought she’d succeeded in walling off the hurt, but the wall came tumbling down. She was so much in love with him it hurt. And he with her, at least she’d thought so then, for two glorious years at the University of Colorado. She was studying landscape architecture, and he was five years older, working on a Law degree.
She made one critical error, and she didn’t know it until they found out she was pregnant, and were beginning to discuss a wedding. He knew her mother was a single mother and a doctor. She had never told him what kind of a doctor. She was not really trying to hide the information; it just had never come up. Then the scene at the Denver Botanic Garden changed everything.
They were sitting by the lake in the Japanese Garden, one of their favorite places.
“So, how does it feel, being pregnant, I mean,” said Dave. He was so young compared to the man she now occasionally glimpsed on the television news. The picture that emerged from her memory re-ignited the feelings for him that she wished she did not still have.
“I don’t know,” she answered. “I don’t know if I feel different because I’m pregnant, or because I’m excited and nervous about it. I’m not sick.”
He stroked the side of her face and gave her a gentle kiss. “I’m nervous about it too. I didn’t think we’d have children for years yet.”
She laid her head on his shoulder, still happily feeling loved for the last few minutes of her life. “It’s amazing how fast you can get used to the idea though. I already feel as if I would be heartbroken to not have this child. It’s already part of my life. I never knew that would happen.”
“I don’t feel that way, but I guess it must be different for the mother. Because it’s in your body.”
“Not everyone has these fee
lings do they? People get abortions all the time.”
Dave snuggled closer, and she stroked the hair on his forearm. He said, “I can’t understand that. I know some people have dire circumstances, where they wouldn’t have any way to support a child, but they could always give it up for adoption. Having an abortion seems so drastic. Not that I’m against a woman’s right to choose. It just seems so drastic is all I’m saying.”
“Ironically enough, people who have nothing to lose usually keep the babies themselves. It’s usually young women who don’t want to lose their chance to finish college, or start their career or else women who are dependent on men that don’t want the child who abort,” said Elaine.
Dave sat up and looked at her strangely. “How do you know that? You’re not in the social sciences or political science.”
“Oh,” she said. “My mother has worked for years at Planned Parenthood.”
“I thought your mother was a doctor,” he said.
“She is.” Elaine was confused by the intensity of the look on Dave’s face.
Dave pushed away from her, took a few steps away from the bench and turned back to face her. He looked at her horrified. “Are you trying to tell me that your mother performs abortions?” he said. Elaine was scared. He was a different man. She considered lying for about one second, but then decided not to.
“She has spent her life helping women manage their reproductive lives. Sometimes that includes abortions. Yes.”
“Jesus, Mary and Joseph. You never thought you should tell me about this?” Dave was staring at her as though she had three heads.
Elaine sat and stared back at him, unable to comprehend his reaction. “Dave, what’s the matter with you? I am not my mother. If you don’t approve of her, fine. I don’t understand why you’re acting like this.” Her words started to come out faster and faster, a confused tangle, “She’s not that evil. If she didn’t do it, they’d get some drunk who had lost his license to chop them up and cause all kinds of infections, like long ago. I’m not trying to get an abortion.”
“God, Elaine, how naïve can you be? You know that my family has been grooming me all my life for a career in politics. I can’t have an abortionist for a mother in law. Can’t you imagine how they’d crucify me the first time I ran for dogcatcher?”
“You should’ve told me before we got so involved,” he said. There was some genuine pain in his face. He was still partly human. “We could have avoided a lot of personal pain.”
“I can’t change that now,” said Elaine. “I really didn’t mean to deceive you. It just never came up.”
Elaine stared at him. Their relationship was history, and she knew it. She really was naïve, she realized. She was recovering from her shock enough to start understanding what was causing his terrible reaction. He didn’t have a moral problem. He had a personal ambition problem. The only thing he wanted from her was her agreement that it had to be this way. She would never give it to him. Never. It had to be about her, or about them. She would never, ever agree to allow it to be about politics.
She stood up, brushed some leaves off of the seat of her jeans and made every effort in the world not to reveal her broken heart to the man she would have to learn not to love. “OK, then, I guess I’ll be seeing you around,” she said. Cold as a negotiation over the price of sausage. Holding desperately onto the only thing she had, a tiny scrap of her dignity, she began to walk away.
“Wait Elaine,” he said. “What about the baby?”
She spun on her heel, viciously angry. “What about it? The grandchild of the devil herself?” Elaine didn’t even like her mother that much, but she felt compelled to come to her defense. “Why would you care? Maybe I should drown it. Or we could go live in a leper colony.”
“Please try to understand,” he said. “I don’t want to do this.”
“Then don’t. At least calm down first.” She felt a flicker of hope. Maybe he’d reconsider after he’d some time to think about it. Or at least admit that there was another problem.
Elaine learned that her little flicker of hope was nothing at all when exposed to the winds of powerful people. It was ruthlessly and deftly extinguished. “I will see to it that the child is financially supported. My family has resources. But you can never tell anyone that it’s mine.”
“Okey, dokey,” she said. “And may the devil take any other spawn that you or your illustrious family produces.”
She wasn’t sick before, but when she got back to the dorm that afternoon, she spent almost two hours vomiting. And that was it. The lawyers handled the rest, and she dropped out of college and came home to lick her wounds, and bear and raise her son.
The problem, of course, was that despite all that she secretly still loved him. She knew it was dumb, but she couldn’t help it. She was sitting on her bed, lost in time, so at first she didn’t hear Max talking to her. She looked at him without seeing and slowly realized that he’d been talking for a while. For a minute she thought he was Dave. “You really are sorry,” she said.
“Mom, what are you talking about? Did you hear one word I just said?” said Max.
She snapped out of it and said, “I’m sorry. I was thinking about something else.” She tried to subtly slip the Christmas card under her before he noticed it.
“Well, can I or not? Pay attention, will you?” he asked, rather belligerently. She wasn’t thrilled about the tone he’d adopted towards her lately. He was at one of those ages, but she was afraid it had more to do with spending so much time with Josh, who had gotten more and more mouthy since his mother died. Which brought her mind back with a start to the subject of Tom. Suddenly she didn’t like him at all anymore. What had she been thinking allowing him to slowly sneak up on her like that?
“If you keep talking to me like that, you won’t be going anywhere,” she snapped at Max. “Where are you asking to go? You’ll have to explain it again.”
Max rolled his eyes. “Tom and a couple of the other Dads that used to all be in little league with us, remember, agreed to take all the guys to a Flyers game after Christmas. Can I go?”
“How much does it cost?” she asked.
“Sixty bucks. They’ll pay for the food.”
“OK.”
“The other Dads are bringing their wives to help chaperone. Tom wants to know if you’ll come.”
“Dammit, Max. Why doesn’t he ask me himself? I’m not his wife. He has no right to make plans for me.”
“God, Mom, chill out, will you? He is going to ask you himself. I just got ahead of him, that’s all.”
“You are not to push this relationship on me. Is that clear?”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was a big deal. I thought you were getting along great.”
“I’m not so sure,” she said.
“That’s news to me,” he responded. “I thought I was finally going to get a father.”
“That’s enough. Go.”
“Go where?” Max couldn’t remember his mother ever acting like this.
“I don’t care. Just go.”