lives?"
"There are always alternatives, and every one is better than suicide."
"Well, what about Jesus? Didn't he commit suicide? He knew he'd be killed, he coulda avoided it, but he allowed himself to be crucified ta save the whole world."
He smiled in a kind manner. She was amazed by how he could maintain his gentle temper even when she challenged his most cherished beliefs. In fact, he often treated it as an opportunity for a lesson.
"There is a difference between giving up your life to help others, and doing so to avoid killing."
"What kinda difference?"
"One is an act of love, the other of selfishness. Selfishness is the worst of sins, because it is the one from which all others flow."
"How is it selfish to wanna save lives?"
"When the concern is not for others but for one's self. If I understand what you're saying, you wish you had killed yourself to save you from the guilt of killing, not to save your future victims. The concern was for your own wellbeing, not that of others. In essence, you wanted to escape from your problem rather than conquer it. Suicide is just another form of running away."
"That sorta makes it worse, doesn't it? I'm not just a monster, but a selfish monster."
He gripped her hand. "No, because you didn't act on your wish, but chose to fight instead."
"But that's just it, I didn't. I was planning on leaving Denver, ta get as far away as I could."
"Why?"
"So I wouldn't kill Sunny."
"Exactly."
"Huh?" She shook her head, feeling frustrated. "Yer losing me, John."
"Would leaving Denver have prevented you from attacking other people?"
"No, of course not."
"So you weren't thinking of trying not to kill."
"Yeah, so?"
"But you were thinking of protecting Sunny."
"Yeah, so?"
"So, you weren't running away to save yourself, but her. Your reason wasn't born of selfishness, but love."
She felt confused. "You sound like yer splitting some awfully fine hairs there."
He smiled. "Moral distinctions are seldom clear, and making decisions based on them is seldom easy. What matters is motive: why we do what we do, not the outcome."
"Isn't the road ta hell paved with good intentions?"
"No, Eile, God is smarter than that, and more merciful. He will not condemn those whose motives are good and just, simply because human failings or bad luck lead to disaster. If that was the case, we'd all be doomed, but His gift of Grace, brought about by the sacrifice of His own Son, demonstrates otherwise."
She struggled with her guilt to understand. "So yer saying, my leaving Denver was a sacrifice and not an attempt to avoid my problem. And that makes it a good thing."
"Just so."
"But how is running away fighting, whatever the reason?"
"Fighting can take many forms, and sometimes the best way to fight is to know when to avoid a confrontation."
"I don't understand."
"If your opponent is too powerful for you to defeat, would it make sense to directly confront him, so that he can destroy you?"
"No, of course not."
"Then defeating him can sometimes be as simple as just staying free and alive. What would have happened if you had killed Sunny?"
"I'd've lost my chance to become Human again. I'd've been a Vampire forever, assumed Mayv didn't tear me apart."
He nodded. "Your opponent, in this case the parasites, would have won. But by running away, you would have saved Sunny, preserved your chance, and thereby confounded your opponent. So long as Sunny lived, there would have been hope that you could be cured, for her sake if no other."
"So yer saying that fighting is not giving in, it's opposing yer enemy however you can."
"Precisely."
"You know, Sunny and I watched Gandhi the other night for the first time. He said much the same thing."
"He was the wisest, gentlest, most devout man I ever knew. I met him once."
"Really?"
"The British had imprisoned him for speaking out against the war. Some concerns had been raised about his treatment, and the British high command invited the Americans and Soviets along with the Red Cross to send representatives to interview him. Eisenhower asked me to go along. We sat on the floor of his room as he spun yarn, and listened to him talk about the future of India, non-violence, the brotherhood of Man, and unity under God. I found it all very profound. I particularly liked his belief that, as we are all sinners, we should leave punishment to God."
"Didn't Jesus say something like that?"
He nodded. "'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.' But you know, they both meant self-punishment as well."
"Is that what you think I've been doing?"
"Only you can truly answer that, but when you call yourself a monster, I have to wonder."
He was right, but she already knew it. Sunny had told her much the same thing only a couple of days before. It was that which had prompted her to ask him over for a talk. Not that she doubted Sunny's intuition, but she wanted a second opinion from someone who was more of an expert.
"I guess that's the real question, then: will God punish me?"
"You're afraid God will send you to Hell for what you've done."
"Yeah. I've told you I don't believe in an afterlife, but that's not strictly true. I don't think it's real, but I don't know for sure. I guess I'm afraid I'll find out that there's no heaven but there is a hell."
"Do you actually believe God is that cruel?"
She felt anger boil up inside her, not at him or his question, but at her own ignorance, doubt, and frustration. "I don't know! Nobody really does. I mean, be honest, John, can you sit there and tell me you know for sure?"
"Of course not, Eile." He wore a soft smile and spoke in a gentle tone. It helped to ease her anxiety. "As God explained to Job, we are not the Creator, but His Creations. There are many things we cannot know, not until we are finally reunited with Him in Paradise. But I have faith, and that's stronger than knowledge. My faith tells me that God is Love, and if that's true, then it stands to reason that if there is a Hell, there must also be a Heaven, for if there are wicked who need to be punished, there are also righteous who should be rewarded. It would be part of the natural order."
"But how can any of us know where we'll end up?"
"None of us can 'know', not on our own, but Christ taught us the way we can be certain. It requires faith, but if we trust in Him, in His mercy and His gift of Grace, we can rest assured that our mansion is reserved for us in His Father's house."
She shook her head. "That's easy for you, but I can't feel it. He's gotta forgive me first, isn't that right?"
"True, but he will."
"How?"
"Do you want Him to forgive you?"
Her reply almost exploded from her. "Yes!"
"Then ask Him."
At first surprised, she felt skepticism creep through her mind. "That simple?"
He smiled. "Why not?"
She hesitated; she had no answer. "Why would he, though?"
"He knows you're not at fault."
"But wouldn't he want something in return?"
"Like what?"
"Penance."
He grinned. "God is neither a blackmailer nor a pawnbroker. Redemption cannot be bought and He does not use it to coerce good behavior. It is a gift, freely given; you need only ask for it."
"Then what good is it? If anyone can be forgiven for anything with no consequences, where's personal responsibility?"
"Ah, you have just hit the nail on the head, my dear. Let me offer an analogy, a parable if you will. Would you forgive anything Sunny did, no matter how bad?"
That question caught her be surprise, but she knew what he was driving at. "It would depend on what she did."
"Would you agree it would have to be something pretty reprehensible for you to deny forgiveness?"
She grinned.
"Okay, then, yeah, short of somethin' like that, I'd forgive her no matter what."
"But you would still expect her to take responsibility for her actions, right?"
She chuckled. "Okay, I get ya. God'll forgive us, but he expects us ta make good."
"True, but it goes deeper than that. As Children of God, it is our responsibility to love one another as we love ourselves, and to treat others as we would want to be treated. He doesn't withhold forgiveness if we don't, because in the end we are only punishing ourselves. Yes, there are people who will take advantage of God and beg forgiveness for sins they will commit again or will not make restitution for, but whatever punishment awaits them in the Hereafter will be their own doing. When Christ described the Final Judgment, He cast out those who did not give aid or comfort to their brethren. Since that was the central lesson of His message, if there is an unforgivable sin it is that."
"Then why grant forgiveness at all, except at the end?"
"Because God wants us to live as His Son taught us to live, and it is His hope that one day we will understand this and come to do so of our own free will."
"I guess it all comes back ta selfishness, doesn't it?"
"Exactly. Now, why don't you tell me what's really troubling you."
"What? I don't understand."
"It's not God's wrath you fear, or His forgiveness you actually seek, but your own."
"Why wouldn't I forgive myself?"
"There's an old story, about a man who dreamed he went up to Heaven to be tried for his sins. As he watched those go before him, he saw that if they asked forgiveness, the judge granted it, but some went into another room, and when he asked about it, he was told that was where a higher judge sat. When it came to be his turn, he asked forgiveness and it was granted, but he felt it wasn't enough, so he went into the other room. When he saw the judge, he poured out a