These demands will be considered in the final adjustment.
In the meantime, and pending the final adjustment, Archy returns on the basis of a 50 per cent increase in salary.
It is our contention that a 50 per cent increase is a very liberal increase, indeed, and that this temporary settlement should be a permanent settlement.
We admit that the public has been with Archy during the recent troubles. And it was only the pressure of public opinion that influenced us to take him back at all.
But, having decided that we must yield, we determined to come across handsomely.
THE 50 PER CENT INCREASE IN SALARY WAS OUR OWN SUGGESTION.
AND, ON OUR OWN INITIATIVE, WE HAVE MADE THIS INCREASE RETROACTIVE.
That is to say, not only does Archy get the 50 per cent increase during the week before the final adjustment, but we have volunteered to give it to him during the period covered by the strike, and for a term of two weeks prior to the strike.
We print, below, Archy’s own comment upon the temporary settlement:
A COMMUNICATION FROM ARCHY
well boss you see
where you stand now i hope the
public cannot get along
without me
i have won a moral victory
for you have agreed in
principle that i
should have a raise in
salary i will have to
think over it a
long time however before i
will consent to a 50 per cent
raise as a permanent settlement
and will have to take
advice it seems like a very
generous proposition on the
face of it but at the same time
i dont think it is
altogether right the figures look
good but i am puzzled you
see i was not getting any salary at
all when i quit work and if
i got a raise of
50 per cent above that the
question is what do i get
i would much rather have a
little something to eat every
week than all these figures but
at the same time i
must admit that a 50 per cent
raise looks good
on paper especially as you are
willing to make it
retroactive maybe the
retroactive part means that i
will get a little something
to eat at any rate it is easy
to see that i have won a most
important victory i would be willing
to make a permanent
settlement on the basis of
a 25 per cent increase and a half
a piece of pie i never was any good on
figures and maybe i am
getting a lot as it is but i
would rather have less
of a victory and more to eat
We print this communication in full in order to show the public the difficulty we have with Archy. We have yielded in principle, we admit that he has won a victory, and we have given him a 50 per cent raise. It seems to me that we have done even more than could have been expected, but he seems dissatisfied. And yet he must know that he is in the wrong, for even while he talks of a moral victory he reduces his former outrageous demands for food by one half. He has been on the job without any food at all, so far as we know, for four years, and this sudden demand of his for something to eat does not have the ring of sincerity to our ears. What did he eat before he worked for the column? There is a strain of sordid materialism in Archy, we are afraid.
AUGUST 26
Thank You for the Advice
thank you for the
advice to go and get
some of this
government food i do
not want to start all
over again
any controversy that has
been temporarily
settled but may i not
ask how
AUGUST 27
Darned Little Justice
the cockroaches are not
the only insects
that are demanding more
consideration
i met a flea
last evening who
told me that he had come
into contact with
a great deal of unrest
lately and a mosquito remarked
to me only this
morning there is darned
little justice in this world the
way the human beings
run it seldom do i
meet a person who will hold
still long
enough for me to get a meal
AUGUST 28
Archy Gets Restless Again
dear boss after thinking
over the terms of our temporary
settlement i
am forced to admit i
got the short end of the
deal you are a true diplomat and
a modest one at that but i want
you to know that your admission
to your readers in conceding me
a moral victory does not
suffice to fill an empty
stomach and nobody can work
without food so i am forced to
submit as the two chief subjects for
consideration in the final settlement the
necessity not only for deciding the
amount of salary but also a generous
allowance of food and good
food at that because since i
agreed to return to work i
met an old friend who took me to
a place where a lot of
nice people of the community
councils are distributing relief
food and by simply hiding in the
parcels that go out there are
lots of chances to get into all
kinds of fine homes we took a chance
and sneaked into one box of canned
goods and were placed in a fine
automobile that took us
to a swell house on the drive where
they have a pastry cook of their own and
we had the pastry all to our
selves and feasted on delicacies of
all sorts so half a piece of pie is
no longer any treat for me and
i can get acquainted with
some very aristocratic
cockroaches besides just by
attending food sales and i
am cultivating a taste for fancy
eatables that neither pie nor
25 per cent increase will satisfy
It looks as if this Archy were getting ready to ask for more, no matter what we give him.
How human some cockroaches are!
AUGUST 29
A Plum Plan
well boss the time has
arrived for our permanent
settlement i propose
a plum plan
once a week i want a
pint jar of plum preserves
with bread and butter
and all the fixings that
go with them answer at once
i refuse to arbitrate
We yield. We consider ourself lucky that Archy does not demand full ownership and control of the column. We yield while the yielding is still good.
SEPTEMBER 8
Trying to Ruin Me
well boss i notice that
although you have taken me
back to work on my own terms
you are giving me no
work to do you always were jealous
of my popularity there
never has been a time since i made
my first appearance and
carried all before me that you
would not have gotten rid of
me if you had dared but
you have never dared
now you are giving me no work to do
in order to keep me
from my public you are
trying to ruin me why do
you not give me an
assignment now and
then
archy
If Archy cannot think up something to write about he can stay out of the column permanently. We are tired of giving Archy assignments that he can do easily and then having him take the credit for originality. The impression has gone abroad that not only does Archy think up his own themes, but that he also tells us what to write. The exact reverse of this is true. It is time that Archy, and his infatuated followers also, should understand that he is our subordinate, our creature. We admit that he has a certain superficial knack; but all the heavier, more solemn, respectable, and serious humor in the column is our own. His statement that he would like to work is entirely hypocritical. Since he won the strike he has done nothing but eat and sleep; he is gorged with food; between his triumph and his victuals he has become stupid. We knew food would ruin him, and it was in the interests of his literary ability, such as it is, that we kept him starved. Lord Tennyson noticed the same thing about a throstle . . . or maybe it was a blackbird. Anyhow, Lord Tennyson wrote a poem about it. . . . It was a bird that gorged itself and lived easy and ceased to be a poet. We have always thought it an indication of very high purpose and resolution that Lord Tennyson did not succumb himself in a similar manner; but after he became laureate he sang just as well as before. We believe that he was already laureate when he wrote “Come into the Garden, Maud.” Max Beerbohm has a cartoon of Lord Tennyson reading his poems to Queen Victoria in which the laureate looks both well fed and lyrical. We wish that Daisy Ashford’s Mr. Salteena had met a laureate at court and given us additional light upon this subject. But we still insist that in spite of Lord Tennyson’s experience, the rule holds good in the majority of cases; feed a poet and ruin him. The only thing that can save Archy now is a course of voluntary fasting, and we doubt that he has the will power for it. Give a cockroach enough jam and he will tangle his feet.