Read The Annotated Archy and Mehitabel Page 23

  lady i am as sorry as

  sorry can be

  but you must realize

  that in our business we are

  bound to make mistakes

  sometimes he just looked like

  mister bill billups lying there

  in the chair all

  lathered up

  yes said the widow

  it was a terrible mistake

  but i can see that in your

  line of work you are bound

  to make mistakes

  we are said the krew krux krank

  but i cannot tell you

  how bad i feel about this madam

  you must not take it to heart

  so much said the widow

  anybody is likely

  to make mistakes

  but i do said the krew krux krank

  i offer you a thousand

  apologies i never

  made a faux pas

  like that before in all

  my experience

  oh well said the widow

  do not take on so over it

  i am sure that

  it was quite unintentional

  i look to the motive

  behind it rather than

  to the deed itself

  but madam he began

  do not be tiresome she

  said interrupting him i quite

  understand how it occurred

  you are what i call

  a sensible woman said the krew

  krux krank

  thank you said she

  smiling and dimpling prettily

  at the compliment come

  little precious she said to her

  child let us go home and see

  if papa left any life

  insurance policies around

  anywhere

  well said the krew krux krank

  to the barber

  i wish that everybody

  would take the same

  enlightened view of our

  activities and realize

  that in our great

  patriotic work accidents

  are bound to occur

  it takes all sorts of people

  to make a world

  said the barber

  which when you think of it

  is just what a barber

  always says about things

  well boss this is one

  tragic story with a cheerful

  and happy ending

  personally however i think

  that the krew

  krux kranks

  should be prosecuted

  under the law

  which forbids using

  the american flag

  for trade purposes

  there ought to be somebody

  like the armenians in this

  country the turks kill

  the armenians and the

  armenians are used to it

  and nothing comes of it

  but in this country people

  who want to kill people

  have no one like the armenians

  to pick on

  and trouble and unrest follow

  their killings

  why not have a million

  people volunteer to be armenians

  so the krew krux kranks

  would not get into trouble

  i do not pretend to be

  a statesman but it is plain

  to me that something should be

  done about it that by

  the way is what the barber said

  also he looked in a puzzled

  way at the remnants

  of mister pete perkins

  and he said i think

  something should be done

  OCTOBER 14

  Cursed Fly Swatters1

  i have just been reading

  an advertisement of a certain

  roach exterminator

  the human race little knows

  all the sadness it

  causes in the insect world

  i remember some weeks ago

  meeting a middle aged spider

  she was weeping

  what is the trouble i asked

  her it is these cursed

  fly swatters she replied

  they kill off all the flies

  and my family and i are starving

  to death it struck me as

  so pathetic that i made

  a little song about it

  as follows to wit

  twas an elderly mother spider

  grown gaunt and fierce and gray

  with her little ones crouched beside her

  who wept as she sang this lay

  curses on these here swatters

  what kills off all the flies

  for me and my little daughters

  unless we eats we dies

  swattin and swattin and swattin

  tis little else you hear

  and we ll soon be dead and forgotten

  with the cost of living so dear

  my husband he up and left me

  lured off by a centipede

  and he says as he bereft me

  tis wrong but i ll get a feed

  and me a working and working

  scouring the streets for food

  faithful and never shirking

  doing the best i could

  curses on these here swatters

  what kills off all the flies

  me and my poor little daughters

  unless we eats we dies

  only a withered spider

  feeble and worn and old

  and this is what

  you do when you swat

  you swatters cruel and cold

  i will admit that some

  of the insects do not lead

  noble lives but is every

  man s hand to be against them

  yours for less justice

  and more charity

  1922

  MARCH 14

  The Cheerful Oyster

  well boss here

  we are on the job again

  you simply cannot

  keep a good bug down

  as a cockroach friend

  of mine once

  remarked to a fat man

  who had

  inadvertently

  swallowed him along

  with a portion

  of hungarian goulasch

  although the remark

  i understand

  originated with jonah

  well the main

  thing is to keep

  cheerful in spite

  of the ups and

  downs as i

  heard an oyster

  remark to his mate

  last evening

  only six weeks till

  may says he

  and if we go that long

  without being eaten

  we will get through

  till september and

  maybe by that time

  nobody will want to

  eat us no such

  luck for us says

  she nonsense says

  he be more optimistic

  i have noticed

  every year that if

  i get through

  march i always

  get through the rest

  of the year

  and just at that

  moment a waiter

  put the melancholy

  oyster on a plate to

  be served and eaten

  and rejected the

  cheerful oyster

  there is a great

  moral lesson

  in this i pick

  up a great many

  little sermons of this

  sort in my capacity as a

  roach about town

  APRIL 14

  Talking to a Moth

  i was talking to a moth

  the other evening

  he was trying to
break into

  an electric light bulb

  and fry himself on the wires

  why do you fellows

  pull this stunt i asked him

  because it is the conventional

  thing for moths or why

  if that had been an uncovered

  candle instead of an electric

  light bulb you would

  now be a small unsightly cinder

  have you no sense

  plenty of it he answered

  but at times we get tired

  of using it

  we get bored with the routine

  and crave beauty

  and excitement

  fire is beautiful

  and we know that if we get

  too close it will kill us

  but what does that matter

  it is better to be happy

  for a moment

  and be burned up with beauty

  than to live a long time

  and be bored all the while

  so we wad all our life up

  into one little roll

  and then we shoot the roll

  that is what life is for

  it is better to be a part of beauty

  for one instant and then cease to

  exist than to exist forever

  and never be a part of beauty

  our attitude toward life

  is come easy go easy

  we are like human beings

  used to be before they became

  too civilized to enjoy themselves

  and before i could argue him

  out of his philosophy

  he went and immolated himself

  on a patent cigar lighter

  i do not agree with him

  myself i would rather have

  half the happiness and twice

  the longevity

  but at the same time i wish

  there was something i wanted

  as badly as he wanted to fry himself

  APRIL 19

  Ground for Optimism

  there is always

  something to be thankful

  for you would not

  think that a cockroach

  had much ground

  for optimism

  but as the fishing season

  opens up i grow

  more and more

  cheerful at the thought

  that nobody ever got

  the notion of using

  cockroaches for bait

  APRIL 22

  Waiting for a Vacant Body

  you want to know

  whether i believe in ghosts

  of course i do not believe in them

  if you had known

  as many of them as i have

  you would not

  believe in them either

  perhaps i have been

  unfortunate in my acquaintance

  but the ones i have known

  have been a bad lot

  no one could believe in them

  after being acquainted with them

  a short time

  it is true that i have met

  them under peculiar

  circumstances

  that is while they

  were migrating into the

  bodies of what human beings

  consider a lower order

  of creatures

  before i became a cockroach

  i was a free verse poet

  one of the pioneers of the artless art

  and my punishment for that

  was to have my soul

  enter the body of a cockroach

  the ghosts i have known

  were the ghosts of persons

  who were waiting for a vacant

  body to get into

  they knew they were going

  to transmigrate into the bodies of

  lizards lice bats snakes

  worms beetles mice alley cats

  turtles snails tadpoles

  etcetera

  and while they were waiting

  they were as cross as all get out

  i remember talking to one of them

  who had just worked his way

  upward again he had been in the

  body of a flea and he was going

  into a cat fish

  you would think he might be

  grateful for the promotion

  but not he

  i do not call this much of an advance

  he said why could i not

  be a humming bird or something

  kid i told him it will

  take you a million years to work your

  way up to a humming bird

  when i remember he said

  that i used to be a hat check boy

  in a hotel i could

  spend a million years weeping

  to think that i should come to this

  we have all seen better days i said

  we have all come down in the world

  you have not come down as far

  as some of us

  if i ever get to be a hat check boy

  again he said i will sting

  somebody for what i have had to suffer

  that remark will probably cost you

  another million years among

  the lower creatures i told him

  transmigration is a great thing

  if you do not weaken

  personally my ambition is to get

  my time as a cockroach shortened for

  good behavior and be promoted

  to a revenue officer

  it is not much of a step up but

  i am humble

  i never ran across any of this

  ectoplasm that sir arthur

  conan doyle tells of but it sounds

  as if it might be wonderful

  stuff to mend broken furniture with1

  APRIL 26

  Interviewed the Mummy1

  boss i went

  and interviewed the mummy

  of the egyptian pharaoh

  in the metropolitan museum

  as you bade me to do

  what ho

  my regal leatherface

  says i

  greetings

  little scatter footed

  scarab

  says he

  kingly has been

  says i

  what was your ambition

  when you had any

  insignificant

  and journalistic insect

  says the royal crackling

  in my tender prime

  i was too dignified

  to have anything as vulgar

  as ambition

  the ra ra boys

  in the seti set2

  were too haughty

  to be ambitious

  we used to spend our time

  feeding the ibises

  and ordering

  pyramids sent home to try on

  but if i had my life

  to live over again

  i would give dignity

  the regal razz

  and hire myself out

  to work in a brewery

  old tan and tarry

  says i

  i detect in your speech

  the overtones

  of melancholy

  yes i am sad

  says the majestic mackerel

  i am as sad

  as the song

  of a soudanese jackal

  who is wailing for the blood red

  moon he cannot reach and rip

  on what are you brooding

  with such a wistful

  wishfulness

  there in the silences

  confide in me

  my imperial pretzel

  says i

  i brood on beer

  my scampering whiffle snoot

  on beer says he

  my sympathies

  are with your royal

  dryness says
i

  my little pest

  says he

  you must be respectful

  in the presence

  of a mighty desolation

  little archy

  forty centuries of thirst

  look down upon you

  oh by isis

  and by osiris3

  says the princely raisin

  and by pish and phthush and phthah4

  by the sacred book perembru

  and all the gods

  that rule from the upper

  cataract of the nile

  to the delta of the duodenum

  i am dry

  i am as dry

  as the next morning mouth

  of a dissipated desert

  as dry as the hoofs

  of the camels of timbuctoo

  little fussy face

  i am as dry as the heart

  of a sand storm

  at high noon in hell

  i have been lying here

  and there

  for four thousand years

  with silicon in my esophagus

  and gravel in my gizzard

  thinking

  thinking

  thinking

  of beer

  divine drouth

  says i

  imperial fritter

  continue to think

  there is no law against

  that in this country

  old salt codfish

  if you keep quiet about it

  not yet

  what country is this

  asks the poor prune

  my reverend juicelessness

  this is a beerless country

  says i

  well well said the royal

  desiccation

  my political opponents back home

  always maintained

  that i would wind up in hell

  and it seems they had the right dope

  and with these hopeless words

  the unfortunate residuum

  gave a great cough of despair

  and turned to dust and debris

  right in my face

  MAY 1

  Archy to the Radio Fans1

  JUNE 21

  Once Every Seventeen Years

  every time

  i get to feeling

  bad because

  i am a cockroach

  i think how

  much worse it would be