Read The Annotated Archy and Mehitabel Page 5

  Archy, our cockroach into whose body has migrated the soul of a poet, is thoroughly in sympathy with the efforts of the Simplified Spelling Board.1 As he has to jump on the keys of the typewriter headfirst every time he makes a letter, the fewer the letters the less toll for Archy. He tells us he was a rhymester too before he took to vers libre; and we find on our machine to-day the following expression of his sentiments:

  the simplified speling bords stand

  4 the shorter and uglier word

  they want the old fashund stuf cand

  joshbilingsgate2 stuf is preferd

  and i in the noshun rejoic

  it shud hav bin dun long b4

  4 my ego in finding a voic

  is making my cranium sor

  i find it a heluva strain

  2 butt3 in2 yor colum by hek

  and i think in the end that my brain

  wil telescope in2 my nek

  in the small of my bak theres a kink

  and the rapid sukseshin of shocks

  is putting my chin on the blink

  and merging my nees with my hocks

  but the thing that most hurts me i swear

  is more than a fizical wo

  tis the fact that the forid i wear

  is becuming uncomonly lo4

  i wunc had a brow that was hi

  with the thots in it lofty and wide

  but now it sags over my eye

  and theres nothing important in side

  heres luk 2 the simplified bord

  may they finish the work theyve begun

  my hart with that harts in akord

  my mind and thare minds r as 1

  APRIL 26

  Hell

  listen to me i have

  been mobbed almost

  theres an old simp1 cockroach

  here who thinks he has

  been to hell and all

  the young cockroaches make a

  hero out of him and admire

  him he sits and runs his front

  feet through his long white

  beard and tells the story one

  day he says he crawled into a yawning

  cavern and suddenly came on a

  vast abyss full of whirling

  smoke there was a light

  at the bottom billows

  and billows of yellow smoke

  swirled up at him and

  through the horrid gloom he

  saw things with wings flying

  and dropping and dying they veered

  and fluttered like damned

  spirits through that sulphurous mist

  listen i says to him

  old man youve never been to hell

  at all there isn t any hell

  transmigration is the game i

  used to be a human vers libre

  poet and i died and went

  into a cockroach s body if

  there was a hell id know

  it wouldn t i you re

  irreligious says the old simp

  combing his whiskers excitedly

  ancient one i says to him

  while all those other

  cockroaches gathered into a

  ring around us what you

  beheld was not hell all that

  was natural some one was fumigating

  a room and you blundered

  into it through a crack

  in the wall atheist he cries

  and all those young

  cockroaches cried atheist

  and made for me if it

  had not been for freddy

  the rat i would now be

  on my way once more i mean

  killed as a cockroach and transmigrating

  into something else well

  that old whitebearded devil is

  laying for me with his

  gang he is jealous

  because i took his glory away

  from him dont ever tell me

  insects are any more liberal

  than humans

  Archy the cockroach has struck for a raise in salary—he says he wants his stuff printed in minion or brevier, after this, instead of in nonpareil type. We don’t believe in encouraging rebellion. One more murmur out of Archy and he goes into agate.2

  MAY 10

  Freddy Is No More

  listen to me there have

  been some doings here since last

  i wrote there has been a battle

  behind that rusty typewriter cover

  in the corner

  you remember freddy the rat well

  freddy is no more but

  he died game the other

  day a stranger with a lot of

  legs came into our

  little circle a tough looking kid

  he was with a bad eye

  who are you said a thousand legs

  if i bite you once

  said the stranger you won t ask

  again he he little poison tongue said

  the thousand legs who gave you hydrophobia

  i got it by biting myself said

  the stranger i m bad keep away

  from me where i step a weed dies

  if i was to walk on your forehead it would

  raise measles and if

  you give me any lip i ll do it

  they mixed it then

  and the thousand legs succumbed

  well we found out this fellow

  was a tarantula he had come up from

  south america in a bunch of bananas

  for days he bossed us life

  was not worth living he would stand in

  the middle of the floor and taunt

  us ha ha he would say where i

  step a weed dies do

  you want any of my game i was

  raised on red pepper and blood i am

  so hot if you scratch me i will light

  like a match you better

  dodge me when i m feeling mean and

  i don t feel any other way i was nursed

  on a tabasco bottle if i was to slap

  your wrist in kindness you

  would boil over like job and heaven

  help you if i get angry give me

  room i feel a wicked spell coming on

  last night he made a break at freddy

  the rat keep your distance

  little one said freddy i m not

  feeling well myself somebody poisoned some

  cheese for me im as full of

  death as a drug store i

  feel that i am going to die anyhow

  come on little torpedo come on don t stop

  to visit and search then they

  went at it and both are no more please

  throw a late edition on the floor i want to

  keep up with china we dropped freddy

  off the fire escape into the alley with

  military honors

  MAY 11

  Up or Down the Scale1

  there is a good deal

  of metaphysical discussion going on

  amongst my own little group here

  i said freddy the rat was no

  more he expired at the moment he

  slew that tarantula well he had

  once been a human and had

  transmigrated into a rat just

  as i had transmigrated into a

  cockroach the question now

  is where will freddy turn up next will

  he go up or down the scale and

  that has led to the further question as

  to what is up and what is down

  producing considerable dissension all the

  spiders claim they are higher in

  the scale than the cockroaches and that

  lazy cat mehitabel2 looks on superciliously

  as if confident that she has it on

  all of us spiritually speaking

  well all i have to say is that in

  my case a soul got out of a ve
rs libre

  bard into a cockroach but i have

  known cases which are exactly the

  reverse if you get what i mean

  not that i would name any names

  MAY 23

  Raise in Salary

  well this goes into

  brevier instead of nonpareil

  if you keep your promise thank

  you for the raise in salary boss

  but i find i have not

  anything of great moment

  to say1 how often that

  happens when a man becomes

  conspicuous he has used all

  his best stuff winning fame in

  small type or some other

  inconspicuous way and in

  poverty and obscurity has put his

  soul into his work suddenly fame

  and success come and he gets promoted

  to big type on account of his

  merits and lo and behold his

  great thoughts desert him thank you

  for the raise i hope the common fate

  will not overtake me boss i will

  strive to deserve the raise

  hereafter

  MAY 29

  An Easy Mark

  listen to me that

  fellow who was in to see

  you the other day bulling you

  about your stuff

  is no true friend you got

  so proud of yourself on

  account of what he

  said you gave him a copy

  of your book and

  autographed it for him i thought

  he was a shine so

  i hopped into the

  cuff of his trousers and

  went out with him

  he sold that book for

  ten cents at a second

  hand place and

  treated himself to a

  drink on the river front

  he cursed because if

  you had not written your name

  in the book he might

  have got fifteen cents for

  it he said you are an

  easy mark

  MAY 30

  Grind Down the Laboring Man

  well i note you

  put me back into nonpareil

  again monday after raising me

  to brevier all right boss

  all right grind down

  the laboring man there will come

  a day of reckoning i don’t have

  to do this you know as far

  as the food is concerned that

  you have been giving me i lived before

  i ever got into your column must close now

  as mehitabel the cat is

  scratching her claws against

  the desk in a meaning sort of way

  yours hastily

  JUNE 8

  Just for This, You Go in Agate, Archy

  see here boss i am no kicker nor

  growler nor do i want more than is coming

  to me but after raising me to brevier one

  day you slammed me back into nonpareil

  again what i want to know is this if you

  think the stuff is rotten why do you

  use it at all and if you think it is o k

  why not give it a show here i am

  trying to build up a public for

  myself and you too and look at the

  appreciation i get all right boss all right

  but i warn you that you are queering your

  own game i dont ask for brevier this time

  but you might at least give me minion if

  i make good in minion then raise me think

  it over boss think it over i am making no

  threats of quitting but you think it over

  JUNE 17

  Desk All Cleaned Up

  well boss now youve got

  your desk all cleaned up for the

  first time since ive known you what

  am i going to do for

  a safe retreat in times of dire

  need formerly i could crawl under a

  bushel of poems and mehitabel the

  cat could not find me this

  room is as bare as the inside of

  a drum you might at

  least have left me a tobacco can i

  feel as visible as a hyphen and not

  half so sure of myself

  JUNE 19

  Capitals

  I THOUGHT THAT SOME HISTORIC DAY

  SHIFT KEYS WOULD LOCK IN SUCH A WAY

  THAT MY POETIC FEET WOULD FALL

  UPON EACH CLICKING CAPITAL

  AND NOW FROM KEY TO KEY I CLIMB

  TO WRITE MY GRATITUDE IN RHYME

  YOU LITTLE KNOW WITH WHAT DELIGHT

  THROUGHOUT THE LONG AND LONELY NIGHT

  I’VE KICKED AND BUTTED (FOOT AND BEAN)

  AGAINST THE KEYS OF YOUR MACHINE

  TO TELL THE MOVING TALE OF ALL

  THAT TO A COCKROACH MAY BEFALL

  INDEED IF I COULD NOT HAVE HAD

  SUCH OCCUPATION I’D BE MAD

  AH FOR A SOUL LIKE MINE TO DWELL

  WITHIN A COCKROACH THAT IS HELL

  TO SCURRY FROM THE PLAYFUL CAT

  TO DODGE THE INSECT EATING RAT

  THE HUNGRY SPIDER TO EVADE

  THE MOUSE THAT %)?)) ” ” ” $$$ ( (gee boss

  what a jolt that cat mehitabel made

  a jump for me

  i got away but she unlocked the shift key

  it kicked me right into the

  mechanism where she

  couldn t reach me it

  was nearly the death of little

  archy that kick spurned me right

  out of parnassus1 back into

  the vers libre slums i lay

  in behind the wires for an hour after

  she left before i dared to get

  out and finish i hate

  cats say boss please lock the shift

  key tight some night

  i would like to tell the story of

  my life all in capital

  letters

  JUNE 28

  Why Not Commit Suicide

  well boss from time

  to time i just simply

  get bored with having

  to be a cockroach my

  soul my real ego if

  you get what i mean is

  tired of being shut

  up in an insects body the

  best you can say for it is that it

  is unusual and you could

  say as much for mumps so

  while feeling gloomy the

  other night the thought came

  to me why not

  go on to the next stage as

  soon as possible why not

  commit suicide1 and

  maybe be reincarnated in

  some higher form of life why

  not be the captain of my

  soul the master of my fate and

  the more i pondered over it the

  more i was attracted to

  the notion well boss you would

  be surprised to find

  out how hard it is for a

  cockroach to commit suicide unless

  you have been one

  and tried it of course i

  could let mehitabel the

  cat damage me and die that

  way but all my finer sensibilities

  revolt at the idea i jumped out

  the fourth story window and

  a wind caught me and blew

  me into the eighth story i

  tried to hang myself with a

  thread and i am so light i

  just swung back and forth and

  didnt even choke myself shooting

  is out of the question and poison

  is not within

  my reach i might drown myself

  in the ink well but if

  you ever got a mouthful of it you
r />   would know it was a

  thing no refined person could go

  on with boss i am going to

  end it all before long and i

  want to go easy have you

  any suggestion yours

  for transmigration

  JULY 12

  Writing All By Itself

  whoever owns the typewriter

  that this is sticking in will confer

  a favor by mailing it to

  mister marquis

  well boss i am somewhere in long

  island and i know now how

  it got its name i

  started out to find the

  place you are commuting from and

  after considerable trouble and being for some

  days on the way i have lost myself but

  at twilight last evening i

  happened to glance towards a lighted

  window in a house near the railway and

  i saw a young woman writing on a typewriter i

  waited until the light was out and crawled

  up the side of the house and through a

  hole in the screen fortunately there was a

  piece of paper in the machine it was my only

  chance to communicate with you and ask

  you to hurry a relief party when

  the house got quiet i began to write

  the foregoing a moment ago i was

  interrupted by a woman s voice what

  was that noise she said nothing at all

  said a man s voice you are always

  hearing things at night but it

  sounded as if my typewriter were clicking she

  insisted go to sleep said he then

  i clicked it some more henry get up she said

  there s some one in the house a moment

  later the light was turned on and

  they both stood in the doorway of the room now

  are you satisfied he said you

  see there is no one in here at

  all i was hiding in the shadow under the

  keys they went back into

  their bed room and i began to write

  the foregoing lines

  henry henry she said do you hear that

  i do he says it is nothing but the

  house cooling off it always cracks that way

  cooling off nothing she said not a