Read The Annotated Archy and Mehitabel Page 8

fellow i said i am

  cheerful enough or i was till

  a minute ago but you

  get on my nerves it s all right

  to be bright and merry

  but what s the use

  pretending you have more

  cheerfulness than there is in the

  world you sound

  insincere to me you insist on

  it too much you make

  me want to sit in

  a tomb and listen to the

  screech owls telling

  ghost stories to the tree toads i

  would rather that i heard a door squeak have

  you only one record the sun

  shone in my soul today before

  you came and you

  have made me think of the

  world s woe groan

  once or i will go mad your

  voice floats around the world like

  the ghost of a man

  who laughed himself to death

  listening to funny stories

  the boss told i listen to you

  and know why shakespeare

  killed off mercutio so

  early in the play it is only

  hamlet that can

  find material for five acts

  cheer up cheer up cheer up he

  says bo i told him i

  wish i was the

  woolworth tower i would fall

  on you cheer up cheer up cheer

  up he says again

  SEPTEMBER 13

  White Powder

  boss i dont want to

  be importunate or nag you or

  anything like that but

  working nights and sleeping by day as

  much as i do i dont get

  time to hustle up any

  grub for myself wont

  you please leave

  something behind the radiator it has

  been three days since i ate i might

  have dined on an apple core last night

  but there was white powder

  sprinkled near it and over it i

  have my enemies boss a little scrap of

  dried beef would be appreciated

  SEPTEMBER 16

  My Ultimatum

  boss this is my

  ultimatum unless you have

  made arrangements

  for more regular meals for

  me by monday

  september 18 i will

  quit you cold and go out and

  live in a

  swiss chess i have nothing

  to arbitrate

  SEPTEMBER 18

  Swiss Cheese

  thank you boss for the

  swiss cheese i hardly hoped

  for a whole one i

  took up quarters in it at once

  the little galleries and caves and

  runways appealed to

  my sense of adventure after

  i had made a square

  meal i lay down in the inner

  chamber for a nap feeling

  safe i had hardly composed my limbs

  for slumber when i heard

  a gnawing sound and squeaks

  of glee cautiously i

  approached the north gallery a mouse

  was there i hastily

  retreated thinking i would make

  my escape by way of one of the

  windows on the south facade another

  mouse was there the citadel

  in short was attacked on all sides mice

  mice mice coming nearer and nearer

  their cold blooded squeaks and the champing

  of their cruel teeth made the night

  hideous minute after minute i lay

  in the stokehold

  until the slow minutes grew into

  intolerable hours of agony great drops

  of perspiration broke through the callous

  on my brow i prayed for

  dawn or the night watchman suddenly

  into my retreat protruded a whisker it

  was so near it tickled me closer and

  closer it came it twitched i knew

  that it had felt me a moment more and

  all would be over just as

  i prepared myself for another

  transmigration mehitabel the cat

  bounded into the room and i was saved

  if you get me another cheese please

  put a wire cage over it

  SEPTEMBER 19

  Katydid

  boss is it not awful

  the way some female

  creatures mistake ordinary

  politeness for sudden

  adoration

  i met a katydid in a

  beef stew in ann

  street the other evening her

  foot slipped and she

  was about to sink

  forever when i pushed her a

  toothpick since i

  rescued her the poor silly

  thing follows me about

  day and night i always felt

  my fate would be a

  poet she says to me how lovely

  to be rescued by one i

  am musical myself my

  nature is sensitive to it so

  much so that for

  months i dwelt in a grand

  piano in carnegie hall i

  hope you don t think

  i am bold no i said you

  seem timid to me you

  seem to lack courage entirely the

  way you dog my footsteps

  one would think you

  were afraid to be alone i do

  not wish any one any

  ill luck but if

  this shrinking thing got

  caught in a high wind and

  was blown out to

  open sea i hope she would

  be saved by a ship

  outward bound for

  madagascar

  SEPTEMBER 21

  Suicide Club, Part 1

  boss i ran onto a queer bunch

  in the back room of a saloon on william street

  the other night there were six of them

  two cockroaches

  a grass hopper

  a flea

  and two crickets

  they have what they call a suicide club

  not the sort our old

  friend r l s1 made famous

  the members of which intend to kill

  themselves but each member of this

  club has committed suicide already

  they were once humans

  as i was myself

  at least i was a poet

  after they killed themselves their souls

  transmigrated into the bodies

  of the insects mentioned

  and so they have got together and

  formed a club the other night the grass

  hopper told why he had killed himself

  it was a misunderstanding

  with one i loved he said

  which impelled me to the rash act

  she and i were walking down a country

  road and i got some gravel in one

  of my shoes shortly afterward we

  boarded a trolley car would you

  mind i asked her if i took my shoe off

  and shook out the gravel

  help yourself she said

  just as i got my shoe off we passed

  a glue factory

  i hastily put the shoe on again by the

  time it was on again we were well past

  the glue factory

  the period during which the shoe was off

  and the period during which we

  were passing the glue factory exactly

  synchronized

  she did not see the glue factory

  and refused to believe there had been

  one in the neighborhood i could

  never explain a month later

  i killed myself tough luc
k

  old top said the flea i will now

  tell you why i took the fatal

  plunge to be continued

  SEPTEMBER 22

  Suicide Club, Part 2

  continued from thursdays

  paper yes said the flea i will

  tell you how it was i

  committed suicide and transmigrated

  into the body of an insect i was

  the india rubber man in a circus side

  show and fell in love with a

  pair of beautiful siamese twins

  public opinion was against

  me marrying both of them

  although both of them loved me as i

  loved them both you

  must choose between them said the

  manager what god has joined together

  let no man put asunder i said but

  public opinion was too much for me

  but the surgical operation which

  severed them changed their

  dispositions you cant fool with

  a freak without running some such

  risk when they were cut apart one of

  them eloped with the surgeon

  who had done the work and the other

  married an interne in the

  hospital they had a double

  wedding and i slew myself that night

  well said one of the crickets i will

  now tell you how i shuffled off

  this mortal coil and

  transmigrated into the

  body of a cricket and became a member

  of this suicide club to be

  continued

  SEPTEMBER 23

  Suicide Club, Part 3

  continued from yesterdays

  paper yes said the first cricket i

  will tell you how it was i

  committed suicide and

  my soul transmigrated into the

  body of an insect and i became a

  member of this has been club my father

  belonged to a religious sect which

  forbids shaving and i was

  brought up in that way no

  razor ever touched my face when i was

  forty years old i had a beard that hung

  down to my knees it was red and

  glossy i went around the country

  posing as a doctor for a medicine

  company hitting the tank towns in a

  wagon and giving a spiel and

  playing on the banjo i did well as

  my beard attracted

  crowds and was happy and

  prosperous until one day a

  malignant old man who

  had just bought six bottles of tonic1

  for five dollars made of roots herbs

  and natures own remedies

  containing no

  mineral ingredients and brewed from

  juniper leaves hazel roots choke

  cherries and the bark of the

  wild cohosh exactly

  as the indians made it for a

  thousands years

  in the unpathed forests before the

  pale face came said to me mister

  can i ask you a question yes i

  said i have nothing to conceal i am on

  the level if one wine glass full before

  meals does not give you an appetite

  take two or three

  mister he says the question is

  personal go ahead i says i am the

  seventh son

  of a seventh son a soothsayer and a

  seer i can tell by the way

  you chew tobacco you have liver

  trouble i will make a

  special price to you fourteen

  bottles for ten dollars cash no he said

  it is about your beard it grew i told

  him through using this medicine

  my chin was bald at

  birth it is a specific for erysipelas

  botts neuralgia stomach trouble loss

  of appetite hearts disease dandruff and

  falling hair thirty bottles to you

  for twenty dollars and i will throw

  in an electric belt

  mister he said i only want to ask

  you if you sleep

  with all your beard outside

  of the covers or

  under the covers when you go to

  bed at night and he give me an evil

  grin and went on i

  never thought of it

  before i had just gone to bed and slept

  as a rule but that night when i

  climbed into bed i thought of the old

  mans question i spread all my

  beard outside of the covers and it

  was immediately apparent to me

  that i did not have the habit of

  sleeping with it that way then i put it

  under the covers and was

  no less certain that i did not

  sleep with it that way i worried

  about it till morning and each way i

  put it seemed at

  once to be the wrong way

  the next night it was the same

  thing i could not keep from

  thinking about it i got no sleep at all

  and became the mere shadow of my

  former self it so preyed upon me

  that at last i saw i must either

  shave off the beard or end it all but i

  could not shave off the beard

  without deserting the religious principles

  instilled into me by my father and so i

  took the fatal plunge hard lines said

  the second cricket i will

  now relate the circumstances which

  led up to my suicide to be

  continued

  SEPTEMBER 26

  Suicide Club, Part 4

  continued from last

  saturdays paper well said the

  second cricket the way i happened to

  commit suicide and undergo

  transmigration and

  thus qualify for a member of this club

  was this when i was a

  human i was wedded to a lady whose

  mother had a very strong

  and domineering character she

  lived with us night after

  night i would lie awake thinking

  up schemes to get even

  with her i thought up

  some lovely schemes but when

  morning came my nerve would

  leave i never had the courage to

  put them into execution finally

  the thought came to me that if i was

  a ghost i could haunt her and

  she would have no come back i slew

  myself but alas my soul transmigrated

  into the body of a cricket and

  if you had ever seen that strong and

  bitter old woman slaying spiders and

  crickets you could realize

  the despair that has settled down on me

  since too bad said one

  of the cockroaches i will now narrate the

  events which led up to my

  determination to

  take the leap into the

  darkness to be continued

  SEPTEMBER 27

  Suicide Club, Part 5

  continued from tuesdays

  paper i cant say the first of the

  two cockroaches remarked that i

  had any good reason for

  slaying myself i had done everything

  else at least once i was a

  young man possessed of a

  considerable fortune which it was my only

  occupation to dissipate when

  everything else palled i

  took up theology i made a bet

  with another student that the soul

  was not immortal the only way to

  settle it
was to die and find out we both

  did well fellows we both lost mine

  proved to be immortal for here i am but his

  was not it completely disappeared and

  has never been heard of again

  which shows you never can tell and

  yet i am still interested in

  games of chance my story said the

  second cockroach breaking in is far more

  interesting and far sadder i will

  narrate it to be

  concluded in my next1

  SEPTEMBER 30

  Killing Off the Sparrows

  boss what is all this talk about

  killing off the sparrows

  i hold no brief for any bird for

  all of them are greedy

  insectivorous beasts but why is it

  that everyone is sore on the sparrow all

  birds put it across on their enemies

  when they can but the sparrow

  puts it oftener because

  he packs the punch

  i have an idea that the reason they all

  pick on the sparrow is because he is

  not beautiful but it discourages him just as

  much to get killed as if he were

  a nightingale you ought to

  know how it is yourself boss if a

  fat man falls down or has to chase his hat

  or anything of that sort everyone

  laughs but if a slim and elegant apollo

  sprains his ankle

  everyone says too bad too bad lots of

  people try to step on cockroaches

  boss just because they are not as pretty

  as humming birds they think nothing

  of the soul within i am

  for the sparrow if he is a better

  fighter let him win out it isnt

  right for humans to take sides in these

  wars between birds somebody is

  always stepping in and trying to ball

  up evolution i stand for the great flock of

  sparrows who represent the common

  people boss the plain

  people1

  OCTOBER 12

  My Last Name

  boss i just discovered what

  my last name is i

  pass it on to you i belong to the

  family of the blattidae1 right o

  said mehitabel the cat when i told her

  about it they have

  got you sized up right you blatt out

  everything you hear

  i gleaned the information from

  a bulletin issued by the

  united states department of

  agriculture which you left on the