CHAPTER 27
“I never knew until that moment, what it was like to lose something I never really had.” The Wonder Years
Elizabeth had just finished reading a chapter in her book when she heard her cell phone vibrate on her nightstand. Rolling over, she reached for her phone and hit the view button.
“Are you up? Come to the window if you are.” The text message from Jack read. Elizabeth walked to her window and opened her blinds.
“Hey,” he said.
“What’s up?”
“Can you come out? I need to talk.”
“Yeah, I’ll be right down,” she answered. Elizabeth hadn’t seen Jack alone since they hooked up the week before. The first few days she dreamed of Jack telling her he loved her. She imagined what it would be like to step in the halls of Charlotte Academy as Jack Bennett’s girlfriend. After three days, she realized that dream was never going to become a reality. Now, she was afraid of losing his friendship.
Elizabeth pulled her brown slipper boots and light blue robe and went to meet Jack outside. He was already sitting on the front porch when she opened the front door. “I don’t think I’ve ever sat on my porch as much as I have since I’ve met you.”
Jack laughed. “Me either.”
“So, what’s up?” she asked cautiously taking a seat next to him.
He paused. “I don’t really know what to do.”
Elizabeth was starting to worry. Jack wasn’t one to beat around the bush. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” he answered. “It’s just have you ever been confused, like really confused and you’re not sure what to do because there’s a lot at risk?”
She swallowed hard. Was their friendship the risk? “I’m confused all the time. What is the risk?”
“Losing a good friend.”
“Oh, well…maybe.” Elizabeth wasn’t prepared to lose Jack as a friend. She had to convince him to stay. “You have to tell me more.”
“Have you ever liked a friend?” If he wasn’t talking about her and she said yes she took the chance that he might figure it out. If she said no and he was talking about her he might give up. “Well, have you?”
“Yes,” she finally mumbled.
Jack locked eyes with Elizabeth. “This girl does things without asking. She’s able to predict my needs without me saying. She’s always there when I need her. It feels like she’s really important to me.”
Elizabeth was sure he was talking about her. She was outside at eleven o’clock on a school night because he asked her to be. Who else could he be talking about? Her stomach fluttered. No just anyone had the ability to give her butterflies but Jack had just managed to make her feel a hundred emotions in the anticipation of what would come next. Would they have sex again? Would they hold hands in school tomorrow?
“Yes,” she said affirmatively.
“Yes, what?”
“Tell her!” she said trying to encourage Jack to confess his feelings for her. “She’d be a fool to turn you down. Don’t be afraid of rejection, Jack. She likes you.”
Jack looked confused. “No, she doesn’t. At least I don’t think so.”
Elizabeth froze. “What…do you mean?”
“I was texting her last night and I wasn’t going to tell her but then I got caught up in the moment and I told her that I had feelings for her.” Elizabeth’s heart shattered into a million pieces. It was the first time she had experienced true heartbreak. She had fallen in love with her best friend knowing that love would never thrive. How could she have been so dumb to think that a ten like Jack Bennett could ever fall for a two like her? “She just stopped texting me. How do you let someone tell you that and then not even respond? I’m not a stranger, I’m her friend? Doesn’t she respect me enough to say something back even if it’s not what I want to hear?”
Elizabeth shook her head. She was in a daze. “I…I…don’t know.”
“What do I do?”
“Geez, Jack, I don’t know,” she said trying her best to hide her disappointment. How could she possibly sit there and give him objective advice knowing she wanted him and he wanted someone else. Elizabeth didn’t even care who the other girl was. All she could think about was how badly she wanted to break down and cry.
“I always tell you things and you always give me good advice. Come on Elizabeth, you’re the only one I can talk to about this.”
“I’m just tired,” she lied.
“You have to give me something,” he pleaded.
She shook her head. She wanted to tell him to forget about the other girl and choose her, but she couldn’t. He was sitting next to her, trusting her, and it was killing everything inside of her. “She was wrong, not to text you back. Maybe she fell asleep or maybe she thinks this is something she wants to talk about in person. I think sometimes when there is a possibility of things getting overwhelming people tend to take a step back.”
“What do you mean?”
She sighed. How could he sit there talking about liking another girl when he was in her bed a week before? “It would be like if I told you right now that I liked you and you would walk away and never talk to me again.”
“No, it wouldn’t,” Jack said offended. “I’d never do that to you. We would sit down and talk about it. You’re my friend. I’d never lose you over something like that. We would work it out. I promise you.”
She scratched her head in confusion. Nobody is ever capable of predicting the future actions they would take in any given situation. “I’m really sorry, Jack, but I’m tired. I should go to bed. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Wait, is that all you have?”
“I’m too tired to think,” she shook her head.
“Does this have anything to do with what happened last weekend?” She stared at him unable to respond. “We’re still
friends, right?” Elizabeth didn’t answer. The words weren’t coming to her. “Oh, shit,” he mumbled. “I’m so sorry. You’re not okay, are you? I said I didn’t want to blur the lines but come on, Elizabeth, I’m a man and I just wanted to see your scars and then I got really turned on and I didn’t think it’d turn in this big deal.”
Big deal? The words stung worse than being attacked by a hive of bees. Suddenly, Elizabeth feared losing her friendship with Jack. If he thought she was making a big deal about having sex he’d never hold her again. He’d never confide in her again. He would slowly walk away and she would be left with nothing. Jack Bennett was used to having sex with lots of girls. Sex wasn’t a big deal to him.
“It’s not…a big deal. I…I’m into someone else,” she choked.
“Good,” said Jack. “I need you as a friend. And, this thing with Alicia is really important to me.”
Elizabeth bit her lower lip. Her eyes were beginning to fill with tears. “Of course,” she said. Alicia Rodriguez, the junior class Brazilian model. It was hard to remember Alicia existed because she missed so much school for modeling. “I’ll think about it.”
Elizabeth walked into Calculus class the following morning just before the bell rang to avoid conversing with Jack before class. She was going on less than three hours of sleep. Her entire body felt numb. He was all she could think about.
“Did you think about it?” he whispered as soon as Mrs. Petrova started talking. She shook her head. Wasn’t he capable of handling this one situation on his own? Be objective, she told herself. She flipped to the back of her notebook and started writing.
Dear J,
Everyone’s afraid of something. When you’re afraid of losing something or someone
that’s when you really realize that you care. Falling for a friend is maddening. You can't help who it is you fall for. People can be best friends, but at one point or another ONE of them will fall for the other. You tol
d me that. It’s the real reason all girls are suspicious of girls that are "just friends." We know the guys we've had that were "just friends" we once thought of as more than a friend. The worst thing you can do when you like someone is to deny it. So, don't be afraid to tell someone that you like them. If you do…she might break your heart, but if you don't…You may be breaking hers.
xoxo E
“Some people say, ‘Never kiss a friend because that friend will be forever lost,’ but what if the one person you are looking for is that friend you’ve never kissed?”
Elizabeth packed her books up, slid the letter on Jack’s desk and ran out of the room towards the office. She had been as objective as her mind and heart would allow her. She had just told him to go after what he wanted and all she could think of was how much she wanted to him.
“Can I help you?” the secretary in the office asked.
“Yeah, can you call my mom and ask her if I can go home? I’m not feeling well.”
“Sure, Elizabeth,” she answered. “Have a seat. I’ll call her.” Elizabeth could hear the tone of the numbers as the secretary dialed. “Leighton Benson? Hi, this is Karen Newman from
the….yes ma’am. Your daughter is in the office…no, she’s not in trouble ma’am…yes, she’s not feeling well. If it’s okay with you, we’ll go on and send her home. Have a good day. Elizabeth, you can go now. We’ll notify your teachers that you were excused. Feel better.”
“You don’t look sick and you don’t have a fever,” her mother said holding her backhand to Elizabeth’s forehead.
“I just feel really worn down, mom.”
“Maybe you have mono. We should go to the doctor and get some tests done.”
“No, mom, I’m fine really. I don’t think I have mono. I’ve just been up late studying and I think I just need to catch up on my sleep.
“Honey, if you have mono and it goes on too long your spleen can rupture.” Elizabeth looked at her mother and shook her head. “Okay, get your butt in bed and if you’re still sick tomorrow I’m taking you to the doctor.”
Elizabeth changed out of her uniform. She put on a pair of cotton grey pants and a dark purple tank top. She opened her window and turned on her fans. It was still January. The smell of winter still lingered outside. On her desk, she read what had become her favorite quote. “To the world you might be just one person. But to one person you might be the world.”
She wrapped her arms around one of her pillows and closed her eyes. In Jack’s world she was just one person. But to her, Jack Bennett had become her world.
Elizabeth woke up to her cell phone going off on the pillow next to her ear. “Hello?” she answered without even checking the caller id.
“Hey, where are you?” asked Jack.
“In my room,” she muttered.
“Did I wake you?”
“Mmhm.”
“Sorry about that. I’ll be quick.”
“It’s fine. I should get up anyway,” she said rubbing her eyes.
“I read your letter.” Oh, the letter, she had almost forgotten about the letter.
“I really appreciate you taking the time to write something that significant. I read it over and over again and when I had it practically memorized I read it a few more times.”
“Oh,” she said not knowing what to say next.
“I just wanted to say that you’re a really good friend and I don’t think that anyone else in my life would have taken the time or effort to care that much about me.”
Elizabeth would do anything for him, even if it meant breaking her heart into pieces. “So, umm, are you going to talk to her?”
“I think if she cared about me she would have said something by now.”
“Well, it hasn’t been that long. You should give her some time.”
“Your letter made me realize that maybe there are other people out there that care about me more and I think it’s probably best if I forget about her. There’s probably a better option that I haven’t considered yet.”
Elizabeth thought she would be happy that Jack was not pursuing his current love interest, instead she was furious. He had provoked emotions from deep inside her, emotions that she didn’t feel strong enough to deal with. She felt exposed and vulnerable. Last night Jack said Alicia was important and now he was dismissing the idea of going after her because of a well written letter. Elizabeth grabbed her blanket in frustration.
“Well,” she said trying not to sound as annoyed as she felt. “I should get some more rest so I can go to school tomorrow.”
“Elizabeth?” he asked.
“Yeah,” she said holding the receiver further from her mouth so he wouldn’t hear the confusion and sadness in her voice.
“Thank you for always being such a great friend to me.”
A single tear fell down her cheek. “I’m not always such a good friend.”
“Yeah, you are. I’ll see you at school tomorrow.”
Elizabeth hung up her cell phone and threw it across her bedroom. How could she be a good friend to him when all she wanted was to be his girlfriend? Elizabeth wanted to be Jack’s first thought in the morning and last thought at the end of the night. When he held her in his arms she wanted to be the only girl he thought about. She wanted to make him as nervous as she was now feeling just thinking about him. Elizabeth didn’t want him out there searching for other options; she wanted him to love her. She wanted him to feel for her everything she felt for him. Why did it have to be so hard?
She glanced at the spot in the carpet under the leg of her wood desk that contained a small razor blade. For a split second, she thought about going back to the dark place that used to consume her. Elizabeth shook her head and turned the other way.