CHAPTER 29
“Today is different...I don't look at you the same. I don't look at you and say to myself 'I wish he'd love me' because this morning when I woke up it just clicked…just like that. I realized that you can never love me…you won't let yourself. But that's all on you, not me; it was your decision, not mine. So when you're thinking 'I wish she'd love me' remember that day when you told me that we'd never be anything more than friends.” Anonymous
It was different going to school on Monday after being released from the hospital. Her mother had not harassed her or criticized her. In fact, she actually mentioned being thankful that Jack was such a good friend to Elizabeth. In a small way, it was her way of saying she did actually care, she just had a weird way of showing it. The week flew by, but Elizabeth barely saw Jack except in class.
Elizabeth was stressed out. There was only a month before graduation and about four months before she would be leaving for Duke. Everything was ending too quickly. At the beginning of the year she was hoping that senior year would just end so she could move on. Now, more than anything she wanted to slow down time. It was Friday. She grabbed her purple blackberry out of her cup holder, flipped for his name through her phone book and hit send. The phone rang several times before he finally answered.
“Jack,” she said enthusiastically. “It’s Elizabeth.”
“Hey,” he said sounding excited. “What’s good?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“I didn’t mean that. I meant that I’m feeling a little stressed and I was thinking that maybe if you’re not busy I could borrow The Hangover from you. You said it was really funny and it would make me laugh.”
“Absolutely,” he said. “Hold on one second.”
“Ok,” she said. She was hoping they would watch the movie together. It had been a while since they had actually sat down together with the exception of the other night in the hospital.
“Sorry about that,” he said. “So, I’ll stop by with the movie tomorrow. Is that cool?”
“Tomorrow?” she asked disappointed. “Yeah, of course. Tomorrow is great.”
“Cool. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Elizabeth hung up the phone dissatisfied. She was starting to worry that the events of last weekend had really taken a toll on her friendship with Jack. She wasn’t even sure why she did it. It had been so long since she had done anything to harm herself. But Jack had taken her to the hospital instead of calling an ambulance which was a good sign that he cared. And, he stayed with her all night to comfort her when he could have gone home and forgotten about the entire event.
Elizabeth got a sandwich at Subway before going home. She no longer felt like being sociable, instead, she preferred to eat her dinner and watch television alone. She fell asleep watching The Little Mermaid, her favorite Disney Movie. Eventually, she woke up to go to the bathroom and wandered upstairs to her bedroom to sleep. She saw Jack getting out of someone’s car and looked at the clock. It was after two-thirty in the morning. Elizabeth closed her blinds and climbed in bed. She didn’t recognize the car and wondered if it was Alicia’s. It didn’t matter, tomorrow, she would hang out with Jack, watch a movie, and talk to him just like she used to. It would be a great day.
Elizabeth woke up early the next morning. She could barely contain her excitement. She was finally going to spend time with Jack. Elizabeth went for a two mile walk. Her leg throbbed the entire time but she pushed past the pain. The sunshine glowing off her face and arms felt exhilarating. She got home before ten, showered and ate two bowls of Cheerios for breakfast.
After turning on her MacBook, Elizabeth glanced out her bedroom window. Jack’s Wrangler was parked in front of his house. She sat on down on her bed and started copying and pasting quotes into a document. When she found a sufficient amount, she grabbed her colored pens and the quote book she was starting for Jack and went outside to sit on the front porch with her backpack. If he came out she would be able to hide it easily between her school books.
At one, Elizabeth went inside and made her favorite peanut and jelly sandwich with Reduced Fat Jiff and Smuckers Grape Jelly on wheat bread. She sat in front of the television slowly eating her sandwich with a glass of milk.
At two, she watched a movie on the Lifetime Movie Network. It was about a girl who was terrified to leave home and go to college, so she became anorexic to deal with her stress. Elizabeth checked her phone every twenty minutes. There was no call or text from Jack.
At four, Elizabeth walked outside to smoke a cigarette. She was growing impatient every minute that went by. It was an impatience that came with a gut feeling that Jack wasn’t coming over. Jack wasn’t going to bring her the movie and he wasn’t going to watch it with her. She wasn’t going to see him and she wasn’t going to spend time with him. Her impatience came with sadness.
She picked up her cell phone to text him but decided against it. When you love someone you dream about them coming to you. The last thing she wanted to do was feel as though she had to chase him. Ever since Elizabeth discovered that she liked Jack, she felt as though every action was on display and she couldn’t mess up or she would lose him. It’s just a vulnerability she felt when her feelings for him changed.
At five, Elizabeth went to her room to read a book. She found herself thinking about Jack and reading the same pages over and over again because she couldn’t concentrate. There was still a long way to go until the end of the night. Maybe when he said he would stop by tomorrow he meant in the evening?
At six, Elizabeth finally gave up on the book and went outside to sit on the front porch hoping that Jack would see her and remember his promise. However, when she opened the front door, she came to another disappointing realization; Jack’s Jeep was gone from the front of his house. Elizabeth pulled her phone out of her pocket. There were no calls or texts from Jack. She sank to the wood porch. How could he do this to her? The rejection hurt. It was something she was never prepared to experience, not from Jack. She felt forgotten and worst of all, abandoned. She held her knees to her chest, staring at his empty parking spot in the street.
By seven, Elizabeth was enraged. The rejection was something she didn’t want to handle. At first, she was angry at Jack. She went up to her room and started tearing pages out of the quote book she was making him. She shredded every single page until little confetti pieces were scattered around her room. Suddenly, the anger turned on herself. What if she wasn’t good enough to be friends with him after all? What if the events of last weekend were more than he could handle? If he was really her friend, he could have told her that his plans changed. Elizabeth realized at that moment that she had been living a delusion. Jack had no respect for her.
She finally turned off her cell phone at nine, trying to fall asleep. Instead, she tossed and turned all night silently wishing that she had never become friends with Jack Bennett. How could he be the boy that took care of her when she was in need and the boy that ignored his promises to her? Elizabeth woke up several times during the night. Each and every time she got a glass of water or went to the bathroom she looked out her bedroom window to see if he had come home yet. There was no sign of Jack’s car. The blinds in his room were still up. She knew he wasn’t coming home.
In the morning, she quickly turned on her phone first thing. There were several missed text messages from Bob and one from Kate. Just as she feared, there was nothing from Jack. Elizabeth showered, packed up her school books and headed out to the library. It would be less distracting to study at the public library than in her room where the temptation to look out her window every five minutes would frustrate her.
Elizabeth walked around the library until she found a desk in the back, away from most of the study tables where other high school students had gathered. She put on her headphones, played her “Depressed” playlist on iT
unes and buried her head in her Government book. An hour later, Bob set his books down at the adjacent desk. She looked up at him, not sure if she was happy or mad he was there.
“I tried to reach you last night,” he said sitting down.
“Sorry, I was…ahhh…really tired and I turned off my phone.”
He reached over and held her left hand in his. “You know, you make this whole me liking you kind of complicated.”
“Yeah,” she agreed. “You’re right. I…I’ve just been so focused on school that I’m not sure where all the time goes.”
“Look, I really like you. You’re smart, funny, and you have goals, which I love. It’s just that I can’t shake this feeling that I don’t mean as much to you as you mean to me.” He was finally starting to understand! “I’m practically chasing you down all the time just to talk to you. I don’t think I should have to do that. So, if you like someone else just spare me the embarrassment and tell me.”
Bob was sitting there actually giving her a way out after all these months. Elizabeth thought for a second about accepting his offer but then realized she would only be doing it because of her feeling for Jack, which were completely unreciprocated. Was it better to be alone pining after someone that didn’t like her? Or be with someone that liked her but she didn’t really like. Bob didn’t seem to care that she was dysfunctional.
“I guess I could maybe try,” she blurted out.
“Good, because I really like you, Elizabeth.”
She forced a smile. It was almost impossible to say the same thing back. By four, Jack still hadn’t tried to call or text Elizabeth. She opened a new document on her MacBook and started typing the first thing that came to her mind.
“What are you doing?” Bob asked.
“English,” she muttered.
“Do you want to grab dinner tonight?”
“Yeah, that sounds good,” she said turning her computer so he couldn’t see what she was typing. “I’m just going to finish up and then head home.”
“I’m going now,” he said zipping up his backpack. “I’ll pick you up at six.” He leaned in to kiss her. She kissed him briefly and then pulled back.
“Sounds good,” she answered not paying any attention to Bob. What she had to say to Jack was more important right now.
Dear J,
You know those moments when you totally don't want to cry, but...you're not quite sure what else to do? That’s how I feel right now. I can't talk to you like I used to, there's just some things that are impossible to say. I developed this bizarre gravitational pull towards you the night we watched the shooting stars and I even warned you, I told you if you didn’t stop that you were going to make me fall in love with you. This past year, I’ve been on this…crazy journey...and suddenly it was like a shade going up in a dark room and light suddenly pouring in. I felt like you understood me in a way that no one ever did or could. And then, recently, the room got dark again.
I promised you I would be your friend. I promised you I could prove that I could be your friend without any hidden agendas or ulterior motives. I didn’t lie. I failed. And, I’m sorry I failed. I wanted it not to be true. I really, really did. It's, like, even when I tried to deny it boom…floodgates. As much as I can’t take my own advice it’s like it feels like if I don’t say anything I'll be spending the rest of my life in my own personal prison. The last few weeks I’ve spent every day thinking about you and dreaming about you and every time I talked to you I lost myself. Do you know what that feels like to have the person you like not have the same feelings back? Jack, I think it’s time that I let you go. And it’s really hard for me to do because I know
that there’s a part of me that will care about you for the rest of my life.
You’re going to change the world someday, Jack Alexander Bennett. “You gotta believe.” I'll always believe in you.
xoxo E
Elizabeth picked up her cell phone and texted Angela and Kate. “Crisis. Meet me at Starbucks.”
By the time Elizabeth got to Starbucks, her friends were already waiting on a couch near the fireplace in the corner. Elizabeth sank into the couch and pulled out her MacBook.
“What’s the crisis?” asked Kate.
She pulled up her sent e-mail and showed it to her friends without saying a word. She watched intently as they started reading the e-mail she had sent to Jack. Their eyes got wider the more they read.
“Why now?” asked Angela.
Elizabeth explained about the movie and how stupid she felt for being rejected over such a small thing. She told her friends that she had been keeping it a secret for way too long and that maybe it was time for her to let go because her feelings for him changed and it was hard to be friends with him. Within minutes Elizabeth was in tears. “What was I thinking? I messed up everything?”
“No, you didn’t ruin anything,” encouraged Angela. “Did he read it?”
“I don’t know, he hasn’t said anything.”
Kate put her hand around her friend. “Well, it’s not something that he’s probably just going to write back immediately. You just made a huge confession and you kind of wrote a lot.” You guys sit here, I’m going to get us some coffee and we’ll talk about it.
“I’m proud of you,” smiled Angela.
“You are?”
“A few months ago you wouldn’t even admit if you got a pony tail holder stuck in your hair. You’ve come a long way. I don’t know how he’s going to respond but you should be proud of yourself for sending the e-mail.”
“I guess you’re right,” Elizabeth said not entirely convinced. She noticed Kate motioning to duck down and pointing with her eyes to the parking lot. “Holy shit!” exclaimed Elizabeth. “Jack is here! Get down!” Elizabeth and Angela ducked down so Jack couldn’t see them as he walked in the door on the other side of the coffee shop. Kate grabbed the coffee and made it back just in time before he noticed her. “I can’t look,” said Elizabeth.
“I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news,” said Kate, “but he’s here with a gorgeous, I mean gorgeous girl.”
“You realize I just committed social suicide,” moaned Elizabeth.
“It’s not that bad,” said Angela. “He probably hasn’t read the e-mail yet. We should sit up and remain calm. When he does read the e-mail maybe he’ll ignore it and things will go back to normal.”
Elizabeth and Kate looked at each other and shook their heads. “Then I need to be cool. I need to prove to him that I can still be cool.”
“Why do you want to be cool?” asked Angela. “He broke a promise to you yesterday.”
“Yeah, but I just wrote a huge e-mail that I want to take back and I can’t. I need to be cool. Kate, go buy him a piece of cake and have the barista deliver it to his table.”
The girls sat up. Their backs were facing the table where Jack and his pretty date were sitting. Kate got up and went to the counter; she came back a few minutes later. “This should be interesting.”
The girls tried not to watch as the barista brought a piece of chocolate cake to Jack’s table. Elizabeth’s stomach was doing back flips. She wanted to run out of Starbucks but her friends sat on either side of her trying to make small talk. After a half hour, Jack and his friend came over and stood next to the girls.
“Thanks for the cake,” he said looking at Elizabeth. “It was delicious.”
“No problem,” she answered.
“This is Trina,” he said introducing his beautiful girl. “And, this is Elizabeth.”
“Oh,” said Elizabeth relieved. “It’s your sister!”
Trina smiled and extended her hand. “Nice to meet you.”
“Well, thanks again,” he said. “We’re gonna sit back down.”
&nb
sp; Elizabeth watched him sit down with his sister. “She’s gorgeous.”
“That was really awkward,” said Angela. “You need to face reality. He read the e-mail.”
Kate shook her head in agreement. “Playing it cool worked. At least he talked to you. He’s probably telling his sister everything your e-mail said and pretending he has no idea where it’s coming from and now he can’t be your friend because you turned out to be another one of those crazy stalker types.”
“Kate!” snapped Angela. “Or, maybe he hasn’t read it yet. Get your phone Elizabeth, it keeps vibrating.”
Elizabeth reached in her pocket for her phone. “He has a Blackberry. We have the same phone. His e-mail is synced. Of course he read it.” She had four missed calls from Bob. “Oh crap! It’s almost seven! Bob was supposed to pick me up at my house at six for dinner.”
“What are you doing?” both girls asked unison.
Angela was shocked. “How can you make plans with Bob for dinner, confess your feeling for Jack, try to fix things with Jack and leave Bob hanging?”
Angela was right. Elizabeth was so confused and hurt that she was sending mixed messages in an attempt to figure out what she wanted for her life. “You’re right. I have no idea what I’m doing. All I know is I should have never sent that e-mail. I have forever changed my friendship with Jack for the worst.” The three girls all turned around to look at him. He was whispering to his sister and he did not look happy.
“You need to fix this, and fast,” said Kate.
Elizabeth woke up late for school, on purpose. It was fourth period by the time she got to school. Most of her classes that she had with Jack were already over. She stopped at the office to pick up her tardy pass and turn in the note from her mom before heading to her Spanish class.
“Hola Elizabetta.”
“Hola,” she mumbled slinking into her desk. Spanish was the only class where they had assigned seating according to their first names, which meant she actually got to sit in the back of class. She pulled out her book and tried to concentrate but her mind was an ocean of confusion. She wasn’t sure why Jack blew her off two days ago, or why he had been acting to distant lately, but every time she thought back to the e-mail she sent him she felt nauseous.
Elizabeth didn’t know what type of response to expect from Jack. In many ways, she feared that no matter what the friendship would be lost as evidenced by the way their relationship was rapidly changing in a negative way. The words echoed in her head from the night Jack confessed he liked another girl. She wrote them down in her notebook and read them over and over again.
“It would be like if I told you right now that I liked you and you would walk away and never talk to me again.”
“We would sit down and talk about it. You’re my friend. I’d never lose you over something like that. We would work it out. I promise you.”
Elizabeth ran to her car after school, careful to avoid everyone and everything including her locker. She was feeling so self-conscious that she feared the conversation that might come if she unintentionally saw Jack Bennett. She was in line waiting to get out of the school parking lot when her car door opened. Bob Olsen got in her passenger seat. Elizabeth got out of line and parked her car.
“I’m sorry about…”
“What excuse is it this time, Elizabeth?”
“I’m not making an excuse,” she said. “It was a simple mistake. I was distracted with Kate and Angela and I lost track of time and forgot. I meant to call you last night when I remembered but it was late and…” Elizabeth looked up just in time to see Jack staring at her as he drove by. His reaction to her wasn’t one of happiness. “What are you doing now?” she asked Bob.
“Just going home,” he answered.
Elizabeth was stuck. There was no doubt in her mind that Jack Bennett was the boy she wanted. He was her dream, her life, and her goals all rolled into one. Elizabeth couldn’t stop thinking about him. She wanted more than anything to take back the e-mail and just spend time with him alone. Every thought of the future contained a piece of him. She could see herself being happy forever with him. Elizabeth wanted to wake up every morning next to him. She wanted to have children with him. She wanted to be his world. Her heart-ached thinking about him. There was no way to rationally explain how she was feeling. It was too much to describe.
“Do you want to come over?” asked Bob.
Any feelings she had for Bob were never in her heart. She was in love with someone else and didn’t feel the least bit guilty about it. Bob had brought her a sense of importance. He made her feel beautiful but in a way she never wanted to feel. Bob meant nothing to her. His compliments meant nothing to her.
“I do, I just like have some homework to do so…”
“My parents are going out to my Grandparents tonight. They usually stay out until like ten or so. Come over when you’re done with your homework.”
Elizabeth wanted to decline but she felt so alone. Jack’s car disappeared out of sight. How long could she survive being ignored? “Yeah, okay,” she finally mumbled.
Elizabeth drove Bob to his car and then sped out of the parking lot. The traffic had cleared by the time she left. On the way home she was already having doubts about going over to Bob’s. Leaving her house meant that she might miss an opportunity to talk to Jack. Jack may be confused or nervous about the e-mail she sent but she really believed that he wouldn’t let her down. Jack was an honest man. She knew that they would talk about it and work it out and everything would turn out okay. Things would go back to normal. She was confident.
Elizabeth dumped her books on her floor on her bed and turned on her computer. Jack couldn’t have beaten her home by more than fifteen minutes, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to concentrate on her homework if she didn’t check her e-mail first. Her BlackBerry was an unreliable way to receive e-mail as it fluctuated with her phone service. She signed in to her e-mail and sure enough there was an e-mail from Jack waiting in her inbox, titled “What’s up?” She stared at the title for several minutes wondering why he would have written such a casual title. She had written practically a four page e-mail telling him exactly how she felt and he responded with “What’s up?” Finally, gaining the courage to read the e-mail, she clicked on the title.
It was good seeing you last night. Thanks for cake. It was tasty. My BB was stolen over the weekend. I just got another one so I'm back on.
I read your email and I really don't know what to say. You are a great friend and I would hope that things won't change but they probably will. I just wanted to say thank you and that you are appreciated. Give me your number. I’m starting all over. Be well.
It was good seeing her last night? Was he drunk when he wrote the e-mail? Elizabeth’s head started spinning. Was his cell phone being stolen and excuse or an apology for blowing her off on Saturday? Elizabeth was so confused about the first paragraph that she hadn’t thought about the second one yet. She paced around her room pulling at her hair trying to dissect exactly what Jack meant. She finally came to the realization that he didn’t mean anything. He was just trying to be polite without being too nice. She sat down at the computer again.
“I read your email and I really don’t know what to say.” Elizabeth’s entire body went numb. “You are a great friend and I would hope that things won’t change but they probably will. I just wanted to say thank you and that you are appreciated.” Elizabeth screamed. How did “We would sit down and talk about it. You’re my friend. I’d never lose you over something like that. We would work it out. I promise you.” translate into him reading the e-mail and not knowing what to say? What happened to talking about it? What happened to their friendship and him promising never to lose the friendship over her feelings for him changing?
Eli
zabeth knew in her heart that people are not capable of predicting how they would act in any given future situation. They can pretend they would do things one way but when it came down to it, they might react differently. It was simple mathematics. Nobody was supposed to do that to a good friend. Why didn’t he even have the courage to tell her he didn’t feel the same way about her? Was it really that hard for him to say something? Anything?
Elizabeth felt the answer swell deep inside her. It travelled from the pit of her stomach upwards, slowing down to grasp at her heart reminding her that the pain was real, and it was hers to bear alone. The rage finally filled her lungs and before she knew it she screamed as loud as she could, “I HATE YOU!”