“I’m…in love with you, Sean,” she said quietly from behind him.
He made a low, disbelieving sound as he turned to face her. His eyes were gentle, but one look told her he’d closed himself to her. Nothing she said now would make any difference.
“Have you ever been in love before, Hil?”
“Yes. Once, in my freshman year. I’m not completely inexperienced, if that’s troubling you.”
He gave a short, humorless laugh. “You’re very sweet and much too honest to lie effectively. If we hadn’t been interrupted just now, do you have any idea what would have happened?”
“Of course I do,” she answered indignantly. “We would have made love, which is exactly what I hoped would happen.”
His eyes grew dark and intense, as though the thought troubled him. “It would have been a mistake.”
“I refuse to believe that. Loving you isn’t a mistake…you’ll never convince me of that. I know you’re this macho guy, and it’s probably much harder for you to admit your feelings for me, but—”
“Hil, listen,” he said, breaking into her tirade. His voice was calm and reasonable and left little room for argument. “Do you have any idea what would have happened afterward? We’d go on making love, entwining our lives more and more.”
“Is that so wrong?”
“Yes, for you it is, and for me, too.”
“But why?” She was becoming agitated now and more desperate.
“You’re on your own for the first time. We wouldn’t be able to go back. It’s inevitable that we’d become more and more involved. Before we could prevent it, neither one of us would have a life of our own.”
Hilary didn’t know what to say.
“I’ve spent the last ten years of my life in the army,” Sean continued, “and I’m not looking to make another commitment. That’s not what you want, either. If we share anything, Hil, it’s that we’re both completely on our own for the first time in our lives. We can’t trust what we’re feeling. It’s much too soon to know if it’s real.”
Part of what he said made sense. This was her first time away from her mother, the first time she was completely self-sufficient, the first time she’d held a real job. She’d set out to prove something to herself and, more important, to her mother. She’d done that. Or, at least, she wanted to believe she had.
As for what he said about her not being able to trust her love for him, she did so implicitly. Perhaps she was more naive than she realized, because she did love Sean, without question, without a single second thought. It was true she hadn’t planned on falling in love so soon, but it had happened, and she was thrilled even if he wasn’t.
If Sean wanted to debate with her, then she had a long list of arguments why their being together was right. But she couldn’t speak for Sean. If he loved her, the way she believed, then he’d discover that on his own. If he wanted her in his life, then he’d ask. She’d done everything she knew how to do. She wouldn’t make the mistake of pressuring him, or manipulating him the way her mother had tried with her. She’d been on the receiving end of such treatment and had rebelled. If she was going to win Sean’s love, then there was little she could say or do until he was ready.
“All right,” she said, slowly, thoughtfully, fighting back her doubts. For the first time she could appreciate how difficult it had been for her mother to let her go, to release her.
“Where do you suggest we go from here?” she asked when she could.
“Nowhere,” he said flatly.
His words took her by surprise. They made no sense, and she wasn’t sure his suggestion was emotionally healthy, either. “In other words, you’re suggesting we forget what’s between us.”
“Forget it?” he repeated with an abrupt laugh. “I wish I could. No, I say we ignore it, we pretend it doesn’t exist and go about our lives as best we can until the situation resolves itself.” He stalked away from her and down the hallway and into his bedroom. Hilary followed and stood in the doorway as he opened his closet and peeled off his shirt. He was going out. “In two weeks I’ll be out of here,” he announced flatly.
“Then what?” How hard it was to disguise her dismay.
“Then we can both go back to living our lives.”
“I see,” Hilary said softly.
In two weeks’ time Sean would be gone. Out of the apartment and, from the sounds of it, out of her life, as well.
* * *
Hilary sat in the darkened living room watching the hands on the wall clock slowly circle the dial. Sean had been furious with her for staying out late, for worrying him, but he felt no such concern himself. He’d left without a word and been gone for nearly eight hours.
Hilary had phoned her mother earlier in the evening and they’d shared an enjoyable conversation. It was the first time she could remember talking to her mother without finding something to be upset about. Louise had always seemed so confident she knew what was best for Hilary. Now it was Hilary who felt equally certain she knew what was right for her and Sean and their relationship.
Louise had known there was something wrong almost immediately, but to Hilary’s surprise she hadn’t pressured her. Hilary was grateful, and when the conversation ended, she felt rejuvenated and pleased she’d called.
Sitting alone in the dark now, hours later, gave Hilary plenty of time to sort through her thoughts. It took her several hours, but she’d realized that what was concerning Sean most had been left unsaid between them: her name and her money.
Hilary was aware of it, because she’d faced it before. At age eighteen, with William Donahue. Sean had asked her if she’d ever been in love before, but he hadn’t wanted to know any of the details. Hilary wished now that she’d told him.
She’d been eighteen and fallen head over heels for a young man in her English literature class. She’d spent long hours with William discussing the rich layers of meaning in classic literature. William had been Hilary’s first love, and she had given him her heart. It wasn’t until later, when he started asking for small loans, that she realized he wasn’t attracted to her, but to the large trust account that would someday be hers. What had been so difficult was that her mother had never liked William and had done her best to end the relationship. Hilary had stood up to her and argued that William wasn’t any of the things Louise had claimed, even when it was obvious her mother was right. In the end, she’d been forced to admit her folly.
It had been a painful and bitter lesson for Hilary, and she’d avoided men and relationships ever since. Money and position had stood between her and the man she loved before. This wasn’t a new experience.
William had wanted her for what she could do for him, for her wealth and her name.
Sean didn’t want her, for the identical reasons.
A flash of light signaled that Sean was home. His headlights were extinguished, and a few moments later the front door opened. He didn’t bother to turn on the living room lights, but walked through the darkened room.
He paused at the hallway before he slowly turned around. “Hil? What are you doing up?”
“Thinking,” she whispered.
“It’s nearly two in the morning.”
“I know.”
He came to her then and knelt down in front of her. The scent of roses and sweet perfume hit her like an openhanded slap across the face. Hilary closed her eyes to the sudden sharp pain and waited for the hurting to subside.
“How’s Carla?” she asked evenly, refusing to allow any of her pain to bleed into her voice.
“How’d you know I was with her?”
“I can smell her perfume.”
Sean frowned and gently cupped her face between his hands. “I didn’t touch her, Hilary. I swear to you I didn’t go from your arms to hers.”
“You don’t have to tell me that. I already know.”
Deep, disbelieving grooves bracketed his mouth. “How?”
“Because,” she said softly, confidently, “you couldn’t. You wa
nted to, though, didn’t you? You wanted to prove something to yourself and failed.” She waited for him to confirm or deny her words, but he did neither.
“You shouldn’t have waited up,” he said, easing away from her, his voice stiffening. “You’ve got a long day ahead of you.”
“Please,” she said softly, “answer me.”
He didn’t. Instead he turned and walked away from her, just as he intended to do the minute the Greers returned.
CHAPTER NINE
“You’re sure you’ll be able to pull this off?” Sean felt obliged to ask Hilary the following Friday afternoon. Her mother was scheduled to land early Saturday morning. He’d packed up his belongings and made the necessary arrangements to vacate the apartment for the weekend.
“Of course I’m sure,” Hilary said with a warm smile. He dragged his gaze away, amazed at how easily she could sucker him in with a mere smile.
“I have the sinking suspicion that you’re going to tell her about me, and that would be foolish in the extreme.” He knew he was frowning as he spoke, but he couldn’t help himself. He seemed to be doing a lot of that lately. He loved Hilary so damn much it frightened him, and therein was the problem. If she were a passing amusement, he would have had her in his bed the first week. Make that the second week. Those first seven days he’d been more inclined to strangle her scrawny neck. But once they were past that initial hurdle, he’d found himself fighting an upstream battle. Because he loved her, he refused to rush her into anything that had the potential of hurting Hilary.
For that matter, Sean wasn’t convinced he could trust her feelings for him. Hilary was too inexperienced to recognize love. He didn’t doubt she was fascinated with him; they were as different as any two people could be. He feared that her interest in him would fade once he was out of her life. Then, and only then, would she adequately be able to judge her feelings.
Hilary had nearly made it impossible for him not to touch her. She was never blatant about what she wanted, never overt, but she didn’t have to be in order for him to read her mind.
She wanted him. What made it so damn difficult was that he loved and wanted her, too. He would have given in to what they both desired if he didn’t believe her feelings would ultimately change. Within a few weeks she’d completely forget about him.
“Mom’ll never guess you’re living here.”
Sean studied her once more. “You aren’t going to say anything?”
“No.”
He eyed her carefully. “Give me your word, Hilary.”
She laughed softly. “I hereby solemnly vow I won’t tell my mother the two of us are living together.”
Still Sean hesitated. Hilary and her mother were an unknown element. There was friction and there was a deep abiding love, too.
“Don’t look so worried,” she chided gently. “I can’t say anything to Mom. It’ll prove everything she’s been afraid would happen the moment I moved away from home. In her eyes, the world is unsafe for her precious daughter.”
“She’s right,” Sean flared.
“Oh, Sean, not you, too.” Hilary released a deep sigh. “If anything, I’ve been safer because you’ve been here with me. Now stop worrying. Mom and I are going to have a wonderful weekend together.” Her eyes took on an intense look. “We’re going to clear the air…I doubt we’ll have enough time to delve into my relationship with you.”
Sean couldn’t keep from scowling. He’d been through each room of the apartment at least three times, removing every shred of evidence of his presence in the apartment. But he couldn’t help thinking he’d forgotten something.
“Are you going to miss me?” Hilary asked softly, her wide eyes staring up at him.
Sean didn’t answer, because it was all too obvious he would. The Greers would be back in one more week, and not a moment too soon. He’d intended to search for an apartment that weekend. He had only one criterion. For his own peace of mind, he needed to be within ten minutes’ driving distance from Hilary. The closer the better. Damn, but he’d grown accustomed to having her in his life. To finding her in his kitchen every morning and spending the evenings in her company. It was the kind of life he’d always imagined for himself…someday.
“I’m going to miss you something dreadful,” she responded when he didn’t.
Although she prompted, he didn’t answer.
She followed him out to his car, her movements sluggish and reluctant. “Would it be too much to ask you to kiss me for luck?”
He’d almost forgotten her first performance with the symphony would be on Mother’s Day. It was the reason for Louise Wadsworth’s visit.
Heaven help him, he couldn’t resist her. Drawing her into his arms, his heart raced at the eager way she nestled in his embrace, turning her face to his. He felt a groan working its way forward from the back of his throat even before their lips met. Her own soft cry of pleasure mingled with his. If the kiss they shared was for luck, one of them was sure to win the lottery.
They broke apart, eyes closed, chests heaving, shaking with reaction.
It demanded every ounce of strength Sean possessed to ease her from his arms. “I’ll be back Sunday night,” he said, weakening.
She nodded, her eyes round and sad.
Hell if he knew if he could wait that long to hold her again.
* * *
Hilary held a small bouquet of pink rosebuds and waited at the end of the jetway for her mother to walk off the plane.
She’d held true to her word about keeping her living arrangement with Sean a secret, but for none of the reasons he’d asked.
“Mom.” Her eyes lit up as Louise stepped off the plane.
“Hilary, darling.”
Before another moment passed, mother and daughter were hugging each other tightly. It felt good, better than she had thought it would.
It didn’t take long for them to collect Louise’s suitcase. They chatted about nonsensical things like the weather and old friends as Hilary drove to the apartment. Her mother frowned as they approached her neighborhood, but Hilary was prepared for an argument if her mother offered one. This was her home, her life, and she wouldn’t idly sit by and have her mother attack it.
“This is my apartment,” Hilary said, once they were in her living room. She held on to her mother’s suitcase with both hands. “But it’s my home and I love it,” she added a bit defensively.
Her mother smiled softly and glanced around. “It’s very nice.”
“I’m happy, Mom, and isn’t that what really matters? I know this apartment is smaller than some of your closets, but it’s mine.”
Louise Wadsworth nodded. “I know. Your voice tells me how very well you’ve adjusted away from me.”
“Isn’t that the point, Mom?” Hilary hadn’t intended they have their discussion quite so soon, but it seemed to be for the best. “A child, any child, must eventually make a life of their own away from their family.”
Her mother’s lips thinned as she turned and walked into the kitchen. “You didn’t have to move to Portland,” she said, turning to face Hilary once more, rubbing her palms together.
“But I did,” Hilary protested. “For a number of very good reasons. First off, this was where I found employment. Second, it was away from you.”
“Hilary!”
“I’m not saying this to be cruel. I never appreciated you, Mom. My attitude, I’m ashamed to tell you, was so critical of you. I was convinced if I stayed in San Francisco another minute you were going to suffocate me with your love. I had to get away and I’m glad I did. You should be glad, too.”
Hilary noted her mother’s hands were trembling.
“In the last few weeks, I’ve discovered so many things about myself that I never would have if I’d been living in the Bay Area.”
“I’ve discovered a few matters myself,” Louise whispered, holding her hand out to Hilary. “Mostly I’ve discovered how very proud I am of you for having the courage to stand up to me. I don’t alway
s know what’s right…I just think I do.”
Tears glittered in their eyes as they laughed and hugged again, this time with a much deeper appreciation of one another.
When they’d composed themselves, Hilary led her mother to Sean’s bedroom. “You’ll be sleeping in here.”
Her mother looked around the cheery room and frowned. Then she started sniffing, her nose making small telltale movements.
“Is something wrong?” Hilary asked.
“No…it’s just that I thought I detected a whiff of spicy aftershave in here.”
“The former tenant was a man.” It was on the tip of her tongue to mention Sean, but it was too soon to shock her mother with the news she was in love.
Louise nodded, seeming to accept her explanation.
“Would you like a latte?” Hilary asked.
“That sounds delightful,” her mother answered; and followed her into the compact kitchen. While Hilary brewed the espresso, her mother opened the refrigerator and removed a carton of milk. She set it on the counter and hesitated.
“Did you know you had a six-pack of beer in here?”
“Beer?” Hilary repeated, clenching her teeth. It’d been there for weeks, a leftover from Sean’s poker party. She’d forgotten about it, and apparently so had he. “Ah…yes, I remember now. I bought it for a friend and forgot all about it.”
“A friend,” her mother repeated slowly. “Someone from the symphony?”
“No.” She kept her back to her mother and squeezed her eyes closed, seeking wisdom. Louise had only been in the house fifteen minutes. It would have been so easy to casually mention Sean. If their living arrangement were different she’d do so immediately.
“Which friend is this, dear?”
Hilary wasn’t any good at lying, and the only way out was the truth.
“It belongs to Sean.”
“Ah, yes,” her mother said, “your neighbor. You mentioned him once before. I’m hoping I’ll get a chance to meet this young man who keeps beer in my daughter’s refrigerator.”
“He’s away for the weekend,” Hilary said quickly, and immediately regretted it.