At this the devil smirked, but being a bit of an inquisitive git himself and thinking that Ron’s plan might provide him a few laughs said: "O.K you're on, but I better warn you, the mood I'm in you're going to have to be pretty convincing to persuade me", and he smiled a sweet sickly smile that brought peace and distilled happiness within the soul.
It was at this point that Ron realized he really did have a big job on!
CHAPTER 4
STILL FEELING HUNGRY!
"Where are we?" asked Satan.
"Back on earth", replied Ronald. "I've brought us to a town called Tremwell in England, the place where I was born. Listen, you stay here and make yourself invisible. I won't be long, I've just got to pop down to the shops to get some stuff."
After about an hour Ronald came back carrying a large bag.
"What's in the bag?" Satan asked.
"Here I'll show you." said Ronald as he pulled out a double barrelled shotgun, "There's this". Then he pulled out a large twelve inch razor sharp knife, "this, and last but not least these", pulling out four tins of baked beans.
"What do you need all of that stuff for?" Satan asked.
"I intend to make geniuses with them, by changing people."
"How?"
"You will see in good time."
"So when do we start?" Satan inquired.
"We may as well start right now. You see that married couple over there, well the wife in her spare time writes books. These books are all love stories that are very badly written with not a drop of imagination in them but I'll soon put a stop to that."
Ronald then made himself visible and carrying the shotgun, knife and beans, went over to the woman's husband. He then brought up both barrels of the shotgun and pressed them against the man's head, who just stood smiling at him. Smiling back at the man he then pulled the trigger and blew the man's brains out. He's wife, who stood and watched the whole event, now began to scream in terror, as her view of the world was turned upside down.
Kneeling down over the dead man's body, Ronald took out the knife and opened up a tin of baked beans and began to cut into the dead man's stomach.
"Why are you doing that?", asked the Devil.
"I'm going to eat his liver with these baked beans. Unfortunately the supermarket didn't sell the right type, but these will have to do", Ronald said with a shrug.
"Where did you get a mad idea like that from?"
"I got told about it by a guy who saw a film in which it happened. Apparently it's the sort of things serial killers do". Ronald gave another shrug as he said this to express that he too did not know the reason.
"That's disgusting", replied Satan.
"Oh come on, you're the Devil. You must have seen a lot worse?"
"True," said the Devil. "I once remember one serial killer who enjoyed inserting large melons..."
"I don't want to know", interrupted Ronald.
In the month that followed the Devil witnessed Ronald commit three
more murders. Each time using his shotgun to blast someone away and then proceeding to eat their liver with a can of baked beans and a nice glass of Brenda's discount wine.
With each murdered victim, Ronald pointed out each of the victim's partners all of whom had an occupation. These included a musician who wrote and sang lots of crappy love songs.
A painter whose pictures were mainly of flowers, doves, babies etc, all of which were painted in horrible bright sickly colours.
And a poet who writes stuff like this:
Oh lovely tree
Please don't fall on me
Instead attract a bee
And make some sweet honey
Tee Hee
CHAPTER 5
DON'T BELIEVE WHAT YOU READ (AND DON'T TELL GABRIEL!)
"Right", said Ronald as he finished the last of the killings "Now we wait the year out and then go back to the victims partners to see what they are up to."
"Have you seen this?", said the Devil. He held up the local Tremwell newspaper to Ronald.
"What about it?" asked Ronald.
"It's full of stories about you committing the murders. Here, I'll read some to you. It says here, a psychopath wielding a shotgun and knife and dressed as an angel."
"What!", interrupted Ronald. "I totally forgot about the wings and halo. Shit you could have reminded me."
"Don't worry," said the Devil "it says below that the wings must have been strapped on and the halo selotaped to your head and supported by a wire."
"Oh hells bells and nig nogs, if this gets out in Heaven I'll become a laughing stock to the rest of the angels, especially bloody Gabriel with all his witty put downs," said Ronald despondently. "Anyway never mind, lets suspend ourselves in time until the months are up."
CHAPTER 6
IN THE BEGINNING WAS THE WORD AND THE WORD WAS "YOMUTHAFUCKER"
After coming out of suspended animation, Ronald proceeded to take Satan around the partners of the victims he had killed and made the Devil compare the work they had done previously in their occupations to the work they were doing now in it.
The Devil was surprised at the results.
The writer was now writing imaginative stories about killers and other stuff, all with a slightly dark edge to it. Even her love stories had quite good plots involving tragic romances and wild sexual adventures.
The musician had started writing songs that delved into people's lives and were quite deep. He also completely scrapped his idea of starting up a boy band.
The painters pictures were now original, that delved into the human psyche, stretching the imagination in ways that would make a normal bloke go “Eh?” As for the poet, well, his stuff was still crap, but that's poets for you! And besides three out of four isn't bad.
"Now do you see", said Ronald. "The changes in these people are for the better, and it's all down to a little bit of evil. Come on admit it, you know I'm right, I bet you if you were to ask God..."
"God," interrupted the Devil. "You've never spoken to God about the meaning of it all have you. I hadn't spoken to him for a million years or so and eventually got to wondering myself about what the great plan was. So I recently went to speak to him about why he had created everything. Well with him being as old as he is now, he's gone quite senile and to be honest I don't think the dozy old git knows himself anymore. Still though Ron, you don't mind if I call you Ron, calling you Ronald all the time makes us sound like a pair of upper class twits. You've given me something to think about. I'm not promising anything yet, so don't count your chickens, but like I say I'll think about it. Anyway I'd better be going back to Hell, I don't know but I might have left the fire on "Ha Ha", see you later young mucka."
And with that the Devil vanished!
Ronald, instead of going back to Heaven straight away, decided to have a walk around the village for old time's sake. He spotted a dark alley which led in the direction of where he'd been born and used to live as a human all those years ago.
Walking down the alley he wondered if he had succeeded in convincing the Devil, or if not, would the world remain the boring shithole that it was at present.
Then, all of a sudden, something was pressed into his back and a voice said "Yomuthafucker, hands up and give me yo money, ya useless feathery backed fuck!"
A smile of triumph slowly spread across the Ark angels face.
THE END
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