Chapter 9. The End
As our children grew up, our lifestyle changed somewhat. No longer a taxi service on twenty four hour duty, David and I waved our children off to university and their own independent lives with a sigh of relief mingled with sadness. It seemed no time at all before our daughters married and started having children of their own. They even came to us for advice, which was a flattering experience and one we were happy to fulfill.
How to Grow up to be a Man
One of the basic requirements for manhood is a refusal to shop. This can be started as early as three or four months of age. Tolerate the supermarket - after all, those bananas have to come from somewhere – but leave no illusions as to your objections if your mother should dare to take you into any other kinds of shop. Use every weapon at your disposal; crying – poor little thing, is he hungry?
Screaming – poor little thing, is he hurt?
Whimpering pathetically – are you mistreating him? and if that does not work fall back on the extensive range of bodily functions at your command. No mother feels at her best when her front is adorned with regurgitated milk, and developing the capacity for releasing appalling smells will further increase her discomfort.
As you grow, other weapons can be added to your range.
As a toddler, demand to go to the toilet instantly – preferably in very exclusive shops with floor coverings that don’t wash easily. Never walk but run, and if you can knock over expensive items and damage or break them so much the better.
Learn to vomit at will and practice this technique when the word shop is mentioned. Soon you will be able to control the duration and direction of every car journey with a few judiciously timed retches.
Asthma attacks are a guaranteed weapon in the fight against being taken shopping.
With a little training you should be able to develop an allergy to almost anything – carpets, counters, shelving and particularly any form of textiles.
As a young child it is inevitable that despite your best intentions you will be taken shopping by your parents. Now you bring a new range of tactics into use. Develop a high pitched irritating whine. Demand the most expensive item in the shop and keep demanding it loudly. When given it lose interest in it immediately and demand something else.
Wait until a suitable moment to regale interested spectators with intimate details of your parents’ life, particularly overheard conversations and events which they are unaware you know about. Asking penetrating questions about reproduction is always a good crowd puller at this point.
Never shop for clothes. As a youth, get into the habit of putting on each day the clothes you took off the night before. Never learn how to colour co-ordinate and refuse to have anything to do with fashion. If you can, insist that you will only wear one type of garment and no other, preferably one that was made by a factory in Eketahuna that went bankrupt in the 1950’s.
Do not develop a colour sense and learn to be totally indifferent about what you or others are wearing.
In particular never notice what a female is wearing, regardless of her pleas for attention.
Don’t remember birthdays, anniversaries or other special occasions.
Affect deafness when broad hints about money are dropped.
If possible beg sisters to do these chores for you which in a fit of misplaced sympathy they can often be relied upon to do.
As an adult, never carry money – this gives you the perfect excuse to never enter a shop. Develop the skill of consuming what other people purchase without the desire to know its origin.
An exception can be made here for going to exciting adult ‘male only’ places such as timber yards and electronic shops. Here you will be warmly welcomed and will be able to spend many happy hours in the company of other men without actually being expected to purchase something. Insist that these are the only retail outlets you will go to.
Ultimately , look for a woman to share your life with. She will not only do all the shopping for you but will even enjoy doing it.
Quite suddenly we discovered that being grandparents took all our time and attention and we no longer had the energy to spare for our farm helpers. The cabin was requisitioned by our younger daughter and her husband as they spent their first years of married life there and our son-in-law began to work for us on the farm, making the need for farm helpers superfluous. We regretfully decided to withdraw from the farm helper scheme but continue to correspond with a number of the friends we have made from all over the world. Not only has it broadened our family’s understanding of other cultures, it has also been a whole heap of fun.
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