“I can’t do that to you.” Sean tenses when I touch him, but he doesn’t push me away. Instead he holds me tighter, dipping his hands lower, past my waist.
“Do you have any idea what it does to me when you stop this thing? Every thought in my head is telling me that I’m going to die if we don’t move, but I’m shoving past it because I know I’m safe with you, Sean.” My hands are splayed on his chest and I can feel the rapid beating of his heart. Sean’s passion runs deep, and his worries are real. I can’t deny that, but we can’t stay like this forever. “I know the world is unkind. I know what it means to be alone, and I’m not leaving here without you realizing that. A life without you is so much worse than anything someone might do to me.”
Reaching around his waist, I pull at his shirt, freeing it from his waistband. Sean tenses, his spine straightening, as I move my hands up under the hem of his shirt and trail my fingers over his hard stomach. He’s facing me. It’s the way I dream of being with him, of touching him, but Sean doesn’t typically allow it. In this moment, the world is dumped on its head. If I can tolerate being trapped in a warm box with no light or air, then he can bear my touch, and he does.
Sean is quiet for a moment and I can feel the tension in his taut muscles. He’s so still, except for the slow, deliberate breaths that fill his lungs. People breathe like that when they’re afraid. I know because I’m doing the same thing.
“It’s not a question of if, but when.” His voice shudders as I trail my palms across his body, tracing the lines of his torso. His skin is so hot. If I wasn’t wearing a dress, if I could press my naked body to his, I’d die. For a second I understand his sexual draw to fear and how it mingles with lust, because it’s there and incredibly difficult to ignore.
Sean’s voice is a whisper. “I can’t knowingly do something that will hurt you. I can’t let them—” He shivers and presses his hips to mine, showing me exactly how he feels. When he pulls away, I’m breathless. “Avery, you know what you do to me, and how I feel about you. If you weren’t wearing panties, I’d have that dress hiked up and take you right here and now.”
Leaning in close, my lips brush against his ear as I whisper, “Then, I’m afraid I’ll have to hold you to your word, right after you ask me something I really want to hear.”
Sean makes a noise at the back of his throat before dipping his hands lower, cupping my butt and feeling for verification of my statement. His words come out in a raspy breath. “This isn’t fair. You know my weakness—that it’s a fantasy to have you like this, here.”
I’m playing with fire, tempting fate, and being utterly reckless. Sean’s concerns are valid, but I can’t help feeling like I should have some say in what happens to us. “You should let me decide whether or not I can handle sharing your life.”
CHAPTER 12
He’s torn, I can hear it in his heavy breaths. Sean could pull away and start the elevator, but I know how turned on he is, how much he wants me. I didn’t do it on purpose and he’s the one who stopped the thing, but I have to push him. He can’t act like he’s protecting me when his actions are killing me inside.
Sean slams his hands on the wall behind my head and pulls away. “We can’t! You can barely handle your own life. Damn it, Avery. I can hardly hold it together anymore, and you’re the living proof that I’ve lost my fucking mind. I can’t have the life you want. It’s not mine to offer you. I’m sorry.”
“Sean—” I grasp at him, not wanting him to pull further away from me, but he does. A rush of cold air fills the space where he stood.
“Tell me. Tell me, if you know. If you can see how to get there from here, to that place where you and I could have what my brother, Pete, has. If you can see the path, I’ll ask you. If you can tell me how we crawl out of this hell, I’ll do it. I’d do anything for you, be anything for you, but I can’t figure it out.” He’s back in front of me, so close, but he doesn’t reach for me.
“Sean, you don’t have to do it alone. Sometimes it takes two people to fix things. And sometimes, you have to trust blindly and jump.” Panic is rising up my throat and it feels like there’s a massive pile of bricks on my chest, but I manage to hold back the scream, and the tears.
Claustrophobia wasn’t much of an issue until my parents died, and then it got worse. I hate elevators and tiny spaces. They freak me out, and while I might be standing with a pleasant expression on my face, I’m really praying to God that we don’t get stuck. Now that I am stuck, it takes every ounce of sanity within me to control the fear, but it doesn’t want to be tamed. It’s snarling and animalistic, ready to claw out of here. Still, I push it down and keep the terror in check. I don’t let my emotions overtake me.
Instead, I reach for Sean, pulling at his belt until he crushes me into the wall with his body. I hold him to me, feeling the smooth skin on his back and those hot muscles, before reaching for his pants. Sean’s voice is gone. He’s all hot breath and powerful hands. He realizes what I’m doing and can’t hold back. As I free him from his slacks, he hikes up the hem of my dress pushing it up past my hips.
Sean’s lips come crashing down on mine, hot and perfect. His kiss is wild, demanding and devouring. As his lips slip to my neck, he dips his hand between my legs, pressing between my thighs. My body is in emotional overload. The faster I breathe, the hotter it gets. The warmer I am, the more afraid I become. The room shrinks with each gasp, but I want him. It’s a strange sensation, caught between lust and fear, and I can’t control myself. Tears streak my face, but there’s a smile on my lips. I’m insane. That’s got to be what’s wrong with me, because I almost like this. It’s intense, and all consuming.
Sean lifts me and presses my back against the wall. His strong hands grip my upper thighs as I wrap my legs around his hips. Sweat drips down my temples as Sean slowly pushes into me and my head slams back into the wall. There’s no air, no light. My mind tells me I’m dying, but my body is climbing higher and higher, tingling with that insatiable feeling that’s delicious torture. Sean’s thrusts start out slow and rhythmic. He doesn’t speak and I wonder if I’m going to pass out. It’s so hot and the air is so still. My mind is screaming like there’s a pillow obstructing my face, but the delicious pulsing between my legs keeps me sane. Sean slams into me harder and faster, rocking us higher and higher. I hear myself sob and don’t know why. I don’t understand the tears or the terror that’s coursing through me, but when I feel him between my legs, when Sean loses it and shoves into me that final time before he stills, I feel perfect, and my body responds and shatters. My nails bite into his skin as I cry out and feel the release.
The high from this is different, and I don’t know what to think. I can’t think. My body doesn’t know what I’m doing, or how it should react. I’m not sad, even though I shudder in his arms and tears streak my cheeks. My heart is pounding at the aftershocks and I can barely breathe, but it’s hard to tell if it’s from fear or euphoria.
I stay there like that, pressed to the wall with him still inside of me. Sean’s hands grip my thighs and his thumbs rub little circles on my skin. Neither of us says anything for a moment. I don’t want to move, but I can’t hold my legs around him any longer. They start shaking, so Sean pulls out and puts me down. My knees nearly buckle and my entire body is trembling, but I manage to pull the hem of my dress back down.
I hear Sean moving, redressing himself, before the lights come back on. They flicker, making me blink several times. As soon as his eyes adjust, he turns to look at me. Sean is pristine in his suit without a wrinkle on him. Meanwhile, I look and feel like a total mess. I’m covered in sweat and can barely stand.
For a moment we just watch each other. Then Sean finally says, “I can’t believe you did that for me.”
I lean back against the wall, and clutch the bar so I don’t fall over. I don’t trust myself to speak. Sean smiles at me and nods, before turning to the control panel again. I’m afraid he’s going to stop it and I can’t manage to be in here for another second. As it is,
I’m going to need therapy after this, so I lunge for him. “No, please. I can’t.”
But Sean’s already done what he wanted. He pressed every button for every floor and then turns to me, smiling wide. “I needed more time, because I have something I need to tell you.” Sean tucks his chin and steps over to me, with his hands in his pockets. It’s such a boyish gesture, and so was pressing all the buttons, that I have no idea what he wants to do. The doors open and fresh air hits my face, calming me.
An irritated hotel employee is standing there with a crowd of people behind him. He’s saying something, but Sean ignores him. I take a deep breath before the doors slip shut again.
“Avery, I’m selfish. I’ve always been that way and what you just did was so completely…” he sucks in air and shakes his head. “There are no words. You give everything you have. You don’t hold back, and by God, if I could be like you for even a moment, if I could have your strength, your courage, your conviction—I can’t even fathom it.” The elevator is stopping floor by floor as he speaks. Sean doesn’t pause. He doesn’t look at the people waiting outside in the hallway, people who don’t want to get onto the broken elevator with the monologuing man.
The doors close and the pattern repeats until a little old lady gets on with us. She looks at me and then Sean, and smiles at his words. She’s wearing a pink paisley dress, with a matching pink satin bowling jacket that says RONKONKOMA SEXY DEVILS across the back, with an evening bag under her arm.
She reaches into it and hands me a tissue. “I think he’s going to ask you something, dear.” The old woman smiles, like this is the highlight of her night.
I take the tissue and dab my eyes. “Thank you, but you’re mistaken.” I don’t look at either of them and try to keep my gaze on the floor.
That’s when Sean drops to one knee and holds up a ring to me. “She’s not mistaken, and neither were you. I should have asked you. I should have said it sooner, and I wish I could say it better. Avery Stanz, will you marry me? Will you be my wife and share my life? Will you let me love you in sickness and in health? Will you let me stand beside you for the rest of my life? Because, if you say yes, I will love you with all my heart. I won’t withhold myself from you, like I’ve done for so long. I will protect you and give you everything I have. Will you share my bed, my soul, and my life?”
The doors ding open on another floor and the people smile at the sight. Me with a shocked face, the old lady is grinning and close to clapping, and Sean on his knee holding up a ring. As the doors slip shut, they groan since they won’t hear my answer.
It’s then that I realize I’m taking too long. My heart is pounding and I’m lost in limbo, caught between reality and dreamland. But I’m awake, and Sean’s looking up at me, blinking those bright blue eyes, completely and totally vulnerable.
I find my voice. “You jumped.” I sound shocked.
He nods. “I’d do anything for you, Avery. I’ll be anything you want, anything you need, no matter what you say, but I hope you say yes.” He smiles hard and those dimples flash and disappear.
“Yes. Yes, to all those things.” My lips quiver and I start sobbing as I hold out my hand. It’s shaking so much that Sean has to take it in his to slide the ring on my finger. When the cold metal touches my hot skin a shiver races over me, and I gasp.
When Sean stands, he takes me in his arms and holds me. The old woman claps and rides the elevator up to our floor with us, chattering excitedly, and wishing us well.
For a second, a bitter thought crosses my mind. “You’d wish those things for us even if he were Sean Ferro?” Sean tenses in my arms. It’s reckless, because in this moment his guard is down, and so is mine. If the old woman reacts the way the woman did earlier, I’ll cry. I don’t know why I said it. Something within me urged me to ask, so I did.
The elderly lady smiles, and touches my arm. “I’d wish every happiness on the two of you, especially if he were Sean Ferro. That man has had more pain in his life than one person could reasonably tolerate, and he’s bore it with grace. Everyone deserves a little ray of happiness after so much rain.”
CHAPTER 13
Sean presses his lips to the side of my face, covering me in little kisses. I giggle, I can’t help it. It feels like I’m floating, as if nothing could ruin this moment. The ring catches my eye, sparkling in the dim light of the elevator. I want to look at it, but I don’t want to pull away from Sean. I don’t want this moment to end. Something changed today. The walls that Sean erected came crashing down and he finally let me in. There’s nothing between us now and I can’t wait to snuggle against him once we get back to the room. It’s so hard not to jump up and down. I want to tell everyone and show them the ring. I want to tell them that I was right, that Sean wasn’t going to be the one to destroy me. I trusted my gut and I was right. It feels so good. The last few months have tossed me around so much that I didn’t know which way was up, but tonight, my feet are on the ground, right where they should be—between Sean Ferro and a crazy old lady who looks like she wants to celebrate with me.
She pulls out her phone and deflates when she can’t get a signal. “All my friends are going to be so jealous! I got to see the sweetest proposal I’ve ever witnessed and they’re all sitting in the room.” She chortles and holds her phone up, tilting it to the side like that’ll help it get some bars. “They’re going to blow a gasket when they find out it was Sean Ferro. And you... You are so sweet. I’m going to call you Sweetie.”
Sean holds me to his chest, hugging me hard and laughs. “She is sweet, and thoughtful, and completely perfect.” He kisses the top of my head and I feel my face flame red, which makes the old lady laugh more.
When the doors open on our floor, we both step out. The old woman stays behind. “Congratulations, you two! I’m going to go tell the girls!” She presses the button for her floor, the doors close, and she disappears.
There’s a fairytale smile plastered across my face. I used to wonder how princesses could look like that for so long. It had to be because of the prince. I’m talking about cartoon princesses, of course. When someone draws the perfect man, there’s a lot to smile about. Sean is by no means perfect, but he’s perfect for me.
Before we take another step, the squawk of a police CB shatters the hallway’s stuffy silence. Sean’s eyes narrow as his gaze shoots to the end of the hall. They’re standing in front of our room.
Instinct takes over and I grab Sean’s arm and try to pull him to the stairwell. It’s right next to me, but Sean shakes his head. They haven’t seen us yet. He shakes his head, and makes a snap decision. Leaning in close, he kisses my cheek, and shoves me into the stairwell as he does it. “Stay out of sight.”
Without a word, Sean walks toward the room. I glance through the little rectangle of glass, but I can’t see him. I can’t leave the hotel without setting off my bracelet, and I can’t hang out in the stairwell either. My stomach lurches as I consider why the police are here—what it means. Mel was in the room. Something bad could have happened to her, or worse. Someone reported us, which means someone knows we were here with Sean and what we are.
If the cops are looking for call girls, I look the part. Part of me wants to ignore Sean and walk down the hall. But, I’m not that stupid, so I rush down the flight of stairs and grab the elevator to the lobby. As I pass a large marble table with an oversized floral arrangement, I grab a newspaper and head to one of the posh seats. There are tons of reporters right outside the front doors. Flashes keep going off. I feel so sick. Should I crush the bead on my bracelet? Does this count as danger? Black could be exposed if they find me, but they must have found Mel.
I sit down on a blue velvet arm chair and slouch back like I’m not freaking out. As I ponder whether or not to break the bead, I hear three hotel employees speaking in hushed whispers. “I can’t believe it’s him, I mean first his wife and now this.”
“I know. At least he can’t get away with it twice.”
The third voice ch
imes in, “I don’t know, people don’t have a lot of sympathy for hookers.”
My spine goes straight. I can’t turn and look at them. The buzzing in my head has grown so loud that I can no longer hear their words. It sounds like they think Sean killed a hooker. That means that the cops were in his room because… Mel’s dead?
She can’t be. I just saw her. She was fine, but they just said… Oh my God. I can’t stand it. I turn around and look at them, unable to hide the emotions as they crawl out of my stomach. My jaw drops. I want to ask them what happened, but if I speak, they’ll connect the dots. People saw me and Mel walk in together and my clothes say everything. Even so, I don’t want to leave Sean and Mel up there. She has to be fine. It’s suddenly so hot inside that I feel like I’m going to hurl.
The air in here is too hot, too stuffy. I can’t breathe. My skin is numb and it feels like I’m walking in a bubble of cold mist. I try to exit through the bar, but it’s packed and there are people guarding the door, keeping the press out. Worry pinches my brow and I decide to head to the ladies room to give myself time to think. Sean said to leave. I need to leave, but I have to do it without being seen. Too bad everyone and their goddamn dog notices me in this dress! I’m about to push through the bathroom door, when a hand rests on my shoulder.
My elbow flies back and jabs the guy in the gut.
CHAPTER 14
I hear an oof sound and spin on my heel. “Leave me—oh God! Gabe.”
The old guy makes a face and coughs. “Nice move. Let’s get you out of here without being noticed.”
“What happened? Where’s Mel?”
“Later. First things first. Black sent this. Change, and walk straight out the front door. The car is at the curb.” He hands me a little designer overnight bag.
Taking it, I nod and push into the bathroom. I don’t question him. I can’t think. The memory of the CB chirping and the sound of static rings in my ears. I see the open door and horror grips my throat hard. I change quickly and think about calling Mel, but I can’t. If she’s in trouble, it’ll make it worse. Maybe she’s fine and they just found out that Sean hired hookers. That means that they might be looking for me.