“If what’s true? Sean, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The machine behind him starts to beep. His heart is racing too fast. I speak quickly, in a soothing voice, realizing that something has him upset, but without access to the rest of the world for a day, I don’t know what happened. “Shhhh, it’s okay. I’m sorry. It’ll be okay.”
The beeping stops and he stares at me. “Bryan didn’t do it. I can’t let him take the blame for it, but they don’t listen and Mother let them think it. Hallie. God, the look on her face… It wasn’t supposed to go that way. It was my fault, my mistake, and he took the hit. Now he’s gone.”
It finally sinks in. I blink once, becoming acutely aware of everything. “Are you saying Bryan’s dead?”
Sean looks up into my face with sorrow and remorse. “It was my fault. The other night when I left you with Trystan, there was a reason. It didn’t play out right. I was trying to help him and I fucked it up, Avery. Everything I touch dies. Everyone around me is poisoned. I can’t stand it. It’s my fault he’s gone too soon. It’s my fault he had my gun and everyone thinks he killed Amanda.
“I could live with it, you know. I had a grasp on my identity even though no one else knew. It was fine—they didn’t have to know me. I shut them all out, every single one, even you. You were right to walk away. It was your only chance. I can’t take you back. I won’t. I love you too much. I can’t do this again, Avery—I can’t.” His voice breaks on the last two words and he covers his face with his arm, hiding the tears on his cheek.
Taking his wrist, I lift his arm slightly and peer at him. Those blue eyes catch mine, and I see so much sorrow that I can barely hold his gaze. “I love you, too, and I’m not leaving. Not now, not ever.”
His arm slips to his side and his voice picks up a pleading tone. “You have to. I won’t marry you, not today, not tomorrow. I can’t fathom the life I’m about to have, and to pull you down with me is cruel. It’s unfair to you, Avery, and I won’t do it. I want you to have the life you dreamed of with the picket fence and the baby playing in the yard. I can see you there. I’ll help you get there, but you’ll have to go without me. I can’t cause you more pain, I couldn’t live with myself.”
Despite the words, the way he says that I need to stay away, I’m drawn to him. His candor is rare and in these moments I feel more connected to him than ever before. Leaning in closer and closer, my heart pounds harder and harder, until we’re lip to lip. Sean stops and I stare into his eyes, certain that I see his soul. He’s afraid, so full of fear that he can’t speak.
Brushing my fingers along his cheek, I wipe away a tear. “Did you say you love me?”
Sean tries to look away, but I don’t let him. Taking his chin in my hand, I pull it back toward me. “Avery, don’t.”
“I know you’re at your breaking point. I see it, my love. Trust me, just a little bit, just for tonight. Say anything, dream anything, and pretend that you have me.”
Sean looks hopeful. “You’ll stay the night?”
I nod. “If you’ll let me.”
“What about Scott?”
Smiling at his jealousy, I say, “I love you. Trystan’s just my friend. He’s not you.” Our eyes lock and something in the moment shifts. I see the walls fall and the relief flood from his heart. Guilt flares inside of me. The thing with Trystan isn’t clear, I can’t tell him that it’s possible we slept together and now isn’t the time. Sean needs someone. It sounds like his awful mother came in, told him he was responsible for his cousin’s death and left.
“Scott said I’d lose you if I wasn’t careful, and then he took you away from me. I thought I’d lost you.”
“You didn’t.” I smile down at him.
“I can’t keep you.” He lifts his hand and gently strokes my cheek. He’s hardly ever touched me that way and it sends a shiver through my body. Need flares and I want to be close to him and lay on his chest, but that’s not possible. He’s bandaged and it would hurt him to press on him there.
“You can, for tonight. I’m yours. I’m your friend, your confidant, maybe even your purchase, if you’d like.” I kid about the last part, but he still looks leery. “Sean, accept my help for once. You don’t have to fight off your past on your own, and God knows I don’t want to be alone either. Let me stay.” I kick off my cheap flip-flops and slip into bed with him. I lie on my side and pull the blanket over my jeans, and then prop my head up with my arm until we’re eye to eye. “Tell me to stay, Mr. Jones.”
The corners of his lips twitch, as if he wants to smile. “I can’t. I want to, but I can’t.”
The IV makes a noise and one of the little bags begins to empty. Sean’s eyelids flutter and I know it’s pumping him full of something that’s going to knock him out. Stroking the side of his face, I whisper it again, commanding him, “Tell me to stay, Sean Ferro. You need me here. Say it.”
“No.” His dark lashes close and then open, his sapphire eyes locking on mine.
“You need me.”
His voice is barely there. “I do.”
“Then, tell me to stay.”
“I won’t.”
“You will.”
Sean smirks at me and his shoulders relax. The meds hit him hard and it seems like he can breathe easier again. “I’ve always loved you. You know that, but we have too many demons.”
“I have a box we can shove them in.” Sean laughs once and then winces. It’s so good to see him smile, but I probably shouldn’t be making him laugh right now. “I’m so sorry. Are you all right?”
“Yeah, but I can’t do that, fuck that hurt.”
Something strange occurs to me and I know what it is. What I just did to him, it’s like the power he feels holding a woman within her fear—it’s a control thing—but it’s more than that. It’s erotic. I feel horrible for even thinking it, but I want to make him laugh again. I want to make him writhe with pleasure or pain. Maybe both. I watch him closely and drag a finger over his chest lightly. “Is this what it’s like? Feeling what you feel? Doing what you do? I could make you say anything right now, do anything.”
He watches me, and I know he’s trying to be careful, but the medicine impairs his judgment. He speaks freely. “It’s raw power, controlling someone like that.”
I hesitate, not certain that I want to cross this line. “It is. Now, tell them that I can stay.”
“I can’t. I want you to, but I love you too much. You need to go. Stay away from us, all of us. Leave Long Island, Avery. Start over. Please, I’m begging you.” And he is, for the first time in a long time, Sean Ferro is begging me to do something, but there’s no way I’m leaving him like this. Not now, not ever.
Leaning down, I press my lips to his ear, kissing him softly. “Tell them that I can stay. It’s a command, Sean. Say it. Now.” I press the call button on the bed and an intercom comes on. Static buzzes.
Sean watches me closely, his eyes silently begging me not to cross the line, but I already have. In my mind, I can see myself doing it. My fingers are already on the bandaged rib. I watch his eyes as I begin to slowly press, causing pain to shoot through him. He stiffens and grits his jaw, but his gaze remains locked on mine.
A female voice asks, “Yes?”
I respond, “Sean wants me to stay for the night. Is that all right?”
“If that’s what Mr. Ferro would like, yes, he can have one guest remain with him. Would you like me to let the staff know that she’s staying with you?”
Sean doesn’t speak, so I press harder. He grimaces, trying not to give in. I whisper in his ear, making sure my lips touch the sensitive spots, feeling horrible and wonderful at the same time. “Tell her, yes. Say it.” I jab hard, once.
Sean’s voice comes out loud and clear, almost an eager yell. “Yes!” I remove my hand from his bandages and watch him, feeling cruel and something else—something that scares me—but it tempts me, too. The nurse says she’ll bring blankets in a little bit and the intercom goes silent.
Sean is watching me closely, his eyes full of pain and lust. “You shouldn’t have done that.”
“You would have.”
He doesn’t deny it. Instead his gaze moves over me slowly, taking me in. “Pain is power and it excites some people.”
“Some people, meaning you?”
He nods. “And possibly you. Check and see.”
I smile awkwardly. “What do you mean?”
“Are you wet, Avery? Did that little display of control turn you on?” I gape at him, not wanting to answer, but even drugged he recognizes my delay. “Show me. Put your fingers in your panties and then touch them to my mouth. Let me see for myself.”
“No.”
“We passed that part. Do it.” He’s stern, but there’s no way he can make me, not like this.
I know what it did, but I don’t want to share this information. Either way, it’s too late. When I fail to move, Sean slips his hand under the hem of my shirt. His sapphire eyes lock on mine as his palm slips over my stomach, then past my waist and lower. My mouth opens and I gasp as he touches me, every bit as sensitive as if I’d been lusting after him for hours. His fingers move and he takes his hand out, bringing his fingers to his lips and licking them one by one.
I laugh. “You’re exaggerating, Mr. Jones.”
“You have no idea what turns you on, Miss Smith. I think you might be a power junkie, because you are way too wet for that whole little display to not have had any effect on you.” He smirks slightly.
“What was that? You think this is funny?” I lean in closer to his face, careful not to lean on him. God, he’s beautiful. His scent fills my head and I love moments like this, when he says whatever he’s thinking and doesn’t hold back. I don’t deserve this chance. Last time he put his confidence in me, I pushed him away. I feel bad for a second, like I’m taking advantage of him. He could be pissed about this come morning, but I can’t pull away from him. I’m greedy and I’ll take what I can get. Life is too short not to.
“No,” his voice is light and he smiles at me. “I’m just glad our relationship being in shambles isn’t all my fault. Part of it is, I’m certain, but not all of it. You can’t be that wet, that turned on by a two second display of pain if it’s not hardwired into you.”
“That’s not true. I was just messing around.”
“No, you weren’t. And that’s what did it, right? It was intentional and there’s something wrong with it, right? Baby, I know all about it. You can tell me. You don’t have to be afraid of it.” His hand strokes my cheek as he pulls me close and kisses me lightly.
His words scare me, but something flutters in my stomach and it’s freeing. “It was cruel.” Shame flushes my face and I go to push off the bed, but he grabs me.
“I said you could stay, so stay. Use me, if that’s what you want. Make me scream out in pain. They’ll just give me more meds, and then you can do it again.” His eyes sparkle with delight, like he wants me to do it.
But I shy away. “I’m never doing anything like that again. I’ve hurt you enough to last a lifetime.” I pull away, but the words he seeded in my mind make my stomach twist and parts of me tingle even though they shouldn’t.
“If we stay together, it’ll happen again—to you, to me. You can’t hide that forever, Avery. It’ll tear you apart inside.” Sean’s eyes flutter and I know he’s not able to stay awake. “I’ve made mistakes that I can’t fix and it kills me. Every time I look at you, I see me a few years before Amanda died and took the baby with her. It was my fault, that’s why I let them blame me. I died that day and you’ve been living with that man’s ghost.”
“There are days that I can’t look in the mirror. I’ve caused so many people such horrible heartache. They never forgave me, and they shouldn’t. I can’t forgive me either. I should have gone home that day. I should have noticed, but I didn’t. That’s what happens to me—everything I touch turns to ash. I’ve tried so hard not to turn into my father that I never saw I was becoming my mother. She’s dead inside. When she came to visit earlier, her idea of a greeting was to kick the bed and ask me if I was still alive. She sounded disappointed when I replied.”
Sean blinks slowly at me. “The day that you jumped on the back of my bike, my world was tipped on its side. I’ve never seen anyone fight for life the way you do. I wish I could be the guy who takes you in his arms and lets you rest. I wish I could ease your pain and make your struggles lessen, but life is pain and by now I know better. I can’t go back to who I was, what I was. If I was a little lighter and you were a little darker, maybe we could meet in the middle and have a real chance, but you’re the sun and I’m the moon. We chase each other in the sky, but never meet for long. It’s not meant to be, no matter how much I love you. I have to let you go. I’m sorry.”
His words break the dam that I’ve been hiding behind and tears flow freely from my eyes. He doesn’t notice and keeps talking, jabbing each word deeper into the open wounds. He understands me more than I knew, and he feels so much more than I thought. Sean isn’t made of ice like Constance. They’re not the same, no matter what he thinks.
“I’m sorry, too—for everything.” Sitting next to him on the bed, I stroke his dark hair as he falls asleep. I doubt he’ll remember any of this in the morning, but I’ll have this memory forever. It’s the confession of a man broken to pieces with demons tearing at his soul night and day. There’s no peace, no release from the pain that haunts him. He’s pushing me away because he doesn’t want me to become him.
The thing is, it’s too late, because I already am.
Chapter 7
Sean stirs in the early morning, coherent and swearing. He stops, suddenly still. “Avery?”
I’m groggy from lying awake all night, pouring my soul out to him. He’d smile and drift off, happy I was there, but I doubt he recalls a word or any of the gentle kisses we shared. “Good morning, Sean.” Pushing up on my elbow, I sit up on the side of the bed. “That four o’clock nurse was mean.”
He’s on autopilot and his voice sounds cautious. “You’re just saying that because she tried to throw you out.”
I go from sleepily rubbing my eyes to sitting straight up and gaping at him. How does he remember that? The entire night should be a blur. I try to hide my fear and cover it with a stretch. Sean doesn’t notice, or at least I don’t think he does. I laugh it off. “Lucky guess. Everyone is going to try to throw me out once the shift changes, so I better go. Besides, I don’t want to overstay my welcome.”
He’s lucid with his jaw clenched and his shoulders held tightly in place, but his deep blue eyes are unreadable. “Avery, you need to steer clear of me for a while. They shouldn’t have let you in last night.”
“It figures you remember that part.” Folding my arms over my chest, I look down at him. “What else do you remember, Mr. Jones?”
“Only that I said things I shouldn’t have. This isn’t truth serum.” His hackles are rising as he points at the IV bags. Something he said has him worried. Or maybe he has no idea what he said at all.
“I won’t tell your secrets.”
“I don’t want you to know everything.”
“What? Where’d that come from? Coherent Sean is saying something forthright?” I laugh, trying to lighten the mood, but he doesn’t bite.
“I mean it. There are things you shouldn’t know. Ignorance protects you. Some people were made to walk alone. I’m one of them.”
That’s it. I’ve had it with his wall and I won’t be pushed away again. “Bullshit. Last night you said you loved me.” Sean looks away, his eyes searching desperately, avoiding my gaze. “You told me a lot of things and I told you a lot of things. I have no idea what you heard either. That’s what this is about, right? That you don’t know what you said? Well, the facts are that I don’t know what you remember and I said things that I normally wouldn’t have said to you, so we’re even.”
Sean’s hand grips the switch and he presses the call button. The intercom clicks on, ?
??Yes?”
“I’d like to be alone. Please escort this woman out and don’t let her come back up. I need to rest.” Sean says the words flatly, watching me.
My mind flashes to last night, to the pain I caused him and I wonder if this is part of that.
“Certainly, Mr. Ferro. Someone will be there in a moment.” The static clicks off and I know no one is listening.
Leaning in close to his face, I bite my lips and try not to explode with anger. “That was a nasty thing to do.”
“I’m a nasty person.” He owns the words when they fall from his lips.
“So am I.” My lips brush his on the last word and then I do it—I lean on him enough to make him scream. As his lips part, I dart my tongue inside his mouth, kissing him hard.
The door opens and I hear a nurse yell. “Don’t lean on him! What’s wrong with you?” She yanks me off.
Sean’s eyes are crystal blue and vivid with pain, excitement, and something more. I watch him for a second as I wipe the taste of him off my mouth. “So, I guess you want me to take that job after all? It’s okay. I get it, Sean. If you need me, you know who to call.” It’s a bluff, but I can’t walk away with him thinking that I’m hurt. Using Miss Black is low, but I have no other cards to play.
The nurse is scolding me, but Sean speaks over her. “Avery, don’t.” That’s all he says, two words.
I turn around right before leaving the room, and smile. “What do you care?”
“I said no.” He growls at me from across the room. The nurse looks from Sean to me, like we’ve become a tennis match.
My gaze is locked on his, utterly defiant. “Since when do I listen to what you say? Actually, you said I should stay away from you. It seems like a good plan to me. It’s not like I can apply to grad school since I missed that whole graduation thing.”
His face goes slack. “You missed it?”
“Graduation is next week. There’s no way in Hell I passed anything. I missed the entire semester, so I won’t get my credits and without them, no diploma. No grad school. No point to my entire fucking existence, so why not take that job offer? After everything is said and done, life comes down to pain and money. I have plenty of pain, so it’s time to do something about the latter.”