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I slap his arm. “I’m a complicated person, what can I say?”
The man next to us clears his throat. He’s thin, with leathery looking skin and silver hair. A green ball cap sits on his head. He’s wearing a flannel jacket. With his tray in his hand, he stands and says to me, “Be careful with that one. ” His eyes flick to Sean as he passes us, like the old guy doesn’t like him.
The smile fades off of Sean’s lips, but I call after the guy. “Actually it’s the other way around. ”
The old guy gives me a look when he dumps the trash off his tray. He walks out without another word.
“So, random men warn you away from me and that’s your response?” Sean looks at me oddly. I can’t tell if he’s playing with me or really wants to know.
“Random men say lots of things to me. One guy was like, that guy stole your car! He was really sexy. Turns out that he’s a bit of a sex fiend. ” I laugh lightly and smile at him. Sean’s eyes hold mine and I feel my stomach sink. I said the wrong thing.
But Sean glazes over it. “I was kind of shocked. Most girls would scream and call the cops if they got carjacked. ”
I point a fry at him and say, “I’m not most girls. I flashed half of Long Island that night jumping on and off your bike. ”
Sean watches me. I can tell he’s going to say something terrible. I don’t want to hear it. I try to talk over him, but he puts his hand over mine and cuts me off. “You know that things can’t stay like this, don’t you? I’m not this guy. ”
I don’t understand what he means. How can he not be himself? But, suddenly his words snap into place. There’s a darker version of Sean. This lighter one isn’t real. It’s an illusion. I pull my hand away and pick at my food. “That’s fine. I’m not this girl. ”
“Avery,” he snaps, with a be serious tone.
“Sean,” I mimic him back, using the same voice. “Don’t tell me what I do or don’t see. I know you’re a fucked up mess, okay. So am I. I’m okay with it. ”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about. ” His voice is cold, warning. The rest of the meal passes in tense silence. I don’t know what to say to him. After everything that happened today, I feel closer to him and this feels like he’s pushing me away. I don’t understand why. Every time things seem okay, he acts like this. It’s driving me crazy.
Sean’s gaze doesn’t meet mine while he finishes eating. It’s like he’s stuck somewhere in the back of his mind. I wonder if he can’t come out of that darkness or if he doesn’t want to. The entire time I’m with him, I notice something. We’re very alike in how we dealt with the lot we were given, but there’s a cynical sharpness to Sean that I don’t have. He seems to guard it, carefully wielding it when someone gets too close. That smile on his face, the one he wore that night at the steakhouse, is fake. His entire façade is a house of cards. I can’t blame him for doing anything he needs to do to hold himself together. I don’t pretend to know how he feels about his loss. It’s almost like he blames himself, that it was more than misfortune that stole his wife. I glance at his beautiful face and wonder about his child. I can’t imagine Sean giving the baby away, not if that child is the last piece he has of his wife. But Sean doesn’t mention the baby.
My throat tightens thinking about it. Sean’s lived through hell and hides every last bit of it. Watching him at the cemetery was the first glimpse I got of who he really is, and every time that I think I know Sean, I find out that I don’t know him at all.
After lunch, Sean drives me back to campus. The silence continues, until he turns onto the main road. “Do I need to pretend that I don’t know where you live? Or would you like me to drop you by your dorm?”
I glance at him. How does he know which dorm I’m in? I wonder if I should be concerned, but I’m not. Not looking at him, I say, “Wherever is fine. ” My emotions feel brittle like an old leaf. I’m afraid I’m going to lose myself and never crawl out of the grief that’s drowning me.
Sean pulls up in front of my dorm. I get out and see my car parked at the end of the lot. Before I shut the door, I turn back. “Thank you. ” My voice is wrong. It sounds like I’m saying something else, something I should never say to him. I love you. I hold his gaze for a moment and try to swallow, but I can’t.
Sean nods. “Thank you. I’ll remember today for a very long time. ”
My throat tightens. Why does it feel like we’re saying good-bye? I push back the feelings, and nod at him. I close the door and walk away, thinking that I’ll see him in a few hours. I think I know what’s in store for me that evening, but I was wrong.
CHAPTER 8
As I walk toward my room, I run into Mel. She darts out of her room when she sees me walk by. I don’t feel like talking and I need to change.
Mel doesn’t seem to care though, and yanks me by the elbow. “Whoa! Where do you think you’re going?” I whirl around and catch my balance before I fall over. Sand falls out of my pant leg onto the dingy gray carpet. Mel glances at the sand and back up at me. She crosses her arms over her ample chest and throws out her hip. Her head sways as she scolds me. “Have you lost your mind? I saw you with that guy on the beach. You can’t date anyone. Get your ass in here. ” When I don’t move and flick my eyes longingly down the hallway, she snaps her fingers. “Now. ”
I sigh. “Fine. Whatever. ” I follow her into her room. Her roommate is out. Mel has at least nine books open with pages marked with little sticky notes. She’s working on her research project.
“Don’t give me that shit, Avery. I saw you and if I saw you, Black could have. ” She shuts the door. After moving a book, she extends her hand to the chair I usually take when I visit her room. “Sit, and tell me what the hell you’re thinking. Black won’t pay you a cent if you violate your contract, which—by the way—you did by making out with some guy on the beach. ”
My eyes feel tired, strained. I glance up at her. “How’d you find me?”
She cocks her head to the side and makes a face. “Do you think I’m stupid?” Tapping her finger to her lips, she says, “Let’s see, what are the three places Avery runs off to when she’s psychotically upset?” Mel ticks them off on her finger as she lists my three places. “One, that shitty old church out in timbuckfuckingtoo, which is a hell of a drive to make when you’re not already out there. Two, your parent’s grave. And three, Jones Beach, Field five. Seriously, what the hell is going through your head?” She folds her arms over her chest and taps her foot. Mel is still standing in front of me. I know she’s scolding me because she knows what’s at stake—everything, my whole life.
I don’t look at her when I speak. “I didn’t realize you knew all those places. ”
“A girl can’t have a brain? Since your parents died, I know exactly where to find you when you go into that super funk, but Avery—after everything you went through to get that job and you already did the nasty with a client—why are you throwing it away?” Her arms fall to her sides and her voice softens a little.
“I’m not,” I say, feeling emotionally barren. “The guy on the beach was Sean. I ran out to the cemetery. You’re right about that. ” She nods like damn straight I’m right. I glance up at her. “Please sit. Today’s been hard and I really don’t need you towering over me like you’re going to strangle me. ”
Mel grumbles and then plops down on her bed. “Go on. ”
“Sean was there. I didn’t see him at first. ” I feel the story stick in my throat. I don’t want to talk about it, but I need to. I tell her about the paper that fell out of his coat, his wife’s name, about what I thought. “But I was wrong. She died and I don’t know what happened to the baby, he doesn’t talk about it. He’s hollow, like me. ” I’m staring into nothing as I speak. My voice echoes in my ears. I feel like I’m not even here anymore.
“Bullshit. ” Mel rushes toward me, which shocks the hell out of me. Grabbing me by the shoulders, she pins me back
in the chair. She shakes me hard, yelling in my face as she does it. “Wake the fuck up!” Mel releases me. I blink rapidly and look at her like she’s nuts. “You think this is a game? You don’t have the luxury to have that spaced out look on your face. One mistake Avery, just one goddamned mistake will send you into cardboard-box-land and you’ll never come back.
“This was a mistake. You’re falling for him. That’s a bigger mistake. There’s nothing there for you. The guy is fucked up beyond repair. He hired a call girl so he wouldn’t have to deal with whatever shit happened to him. It’s none of your business. He’s not yours. He never will be, so stop thinking about him like that.
“This will ruin you, Avery. Maybe you don’t see it yet, but I sure as hell do. And you’re not like him. I know you think you are, I see it on your pasty face, but you’re not. He has no soul. That guy is dead inside. You aren’t. You’re still fighting back. Don’t give up, girl. As your best friend, as a girl who’s had her share of shit, don’t surrender. You and me, we’re survivors. You’re going to get through this. You’re going to finish college, get your master’s degree, and get the hell out of here. I know you will. ”
Mel’s passion is contagious. I feel incredibly stupid for moping around, for attaching myself to someone who doesn’t want me. Swallowing hard, I ask, “How do you know? I mean, Sean seems—”
Mel leans toward me and places her hand on my shoulder. “Listen. I’m going to tell you how I know, and don’t think that I’m mean. I’m just telling you what’s real, okay?” I nod slowly. Fear pulses through my body. I can already tell that I’m not going to like what she has to say. “That boy don’t love you. He’s not even into you. He came to Black and asked for a virgin. That was it, Avery. You were the only one, so he took you. I was there when he called. He wanted a curvy blonde. Black said all we had was you. You’re not his type. You’re a warm pussy to fuck and nothing more. Avery, do your job and get the hell away from him. ” She tightens her grip on my shoulder.