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“What happened?” I ask Mel bluntly. Blunt works best with her. “I need to know. When you showed up last night and Sean opened the door, what’d he do? Did you guys do anything?” My voice catches on the last word. The thought makes my stomach sour. What if they kissed? What if they…did what me and Henry did. I don’t think I could bear it, but I ask. I have to know.
Mel works her jaw and stares at Marty with eyes that are too big for her head. Marty remains perched on his stool and doesn’t look back. “Is she deaf? She didn’t just ask me that, did she?”
Marty turns. His brows flick and he glances at me out of the corner of his eye before grabbing a towel from the closet. “She did and she’s on the edge, Mel. Push her off and I’ll bust your ass. ”
Mel’s head jerks as her jaw drops open. “Are you threatening me, Princess?”
“Damn right, I am. ” Marty’s voice is too deep, too stern. His gaze narrows as he stares Mel down. “She’s been through enough shit to last a lifetime. Ask her where I picked her up last night. That’ll tell you everything. ” Marty looks over at me like he wants to say something, but he doesn’t. Instead he disappears into the bathroom and the shower turns on. My gaze follows after him. How did he know? I never told him where I grew up, but he seems to realize the devastation that brought me to my knees last night. Going to the old house didn’t help.
Mel takes Marty’s seat at the counter. She looks at me. I’m sitting on the edge of the bed. “Where’d you go last night?”
I shrug. “It doesn’t matter. ”
She jabs her thumb toward the bathroom and says, “He thinks it does. Where were you?”
I look up. Mel is severe, but there’s worry in her eyes. “What’d you do with Sean?”
She stiffens. We stare each other down for a moment. Mel finally rolls her eyes and the tension in her back gives way. “Fine. I’ll go first. When I showed up at his door, he asked if you were okay. He didn’t put it together until I told him that Black sent me, that I was there because he ordered a call girl. He stared at me and asked me in. I can’t tell him no, and I didn’t think he’d do anything. He’s too wrapped up in you. ” She shakes her head and looks up, smiling at me. “First thing he says is, ‘what do you want to eat?’ He orders me a pizza and goes back to work. I watched a couple of movies while he pulled his hair out trying to get some techno-nerd thing to work out on paper. The arrangement was that he’d tell Black that I was phenomenal and I wasn’t supposed to tell you anything. But you got there early and the shit hit the fan. ”
“He didn’t kiss you?”
She smirks. “He didn’t touch me. Not even a handshake. ” My gaze falls to the floor. I don’t know what to think. Mel’s voice snaps me back to reality. “Now you, where’d you go last night?”
I shove my hands into my hair and rub my scalp with my fingertips. When I look up at her, I say it. I just spit it out because Marty tattled. “Home. I went by the house, okay. ”
Mel’s larger than life expression falters. It’s gone in a flash. She’s off the stool and next to me, but I don’t want her pity. I can’t stand it when people act like I’m falling apart. It’s already happened. I wish they’d just accept me the way I am, because I’m all fucked up and no amount of sympathy is going to change that.
“And. . . ”
I’m off the bed, standing, pacing. I move too much when I’m stressed and I have more anxiety than I can manage. “And nothing. Marty picked me up out front. ” I don’t tell her the memories that flooded my mind. I don’t tell her about the train station or the walk down those streets. There are no words. Mel cut her family off. Mine was ripped away from me.
The bathroom door opens and Marty walks out. He’s wearing dark jeans with a ripped knee and a form fitting tee shirt the same color as his eyes. His golden hair is tousled, like he just rubbed it with a towel. I stare at him. I wonder if he slept next to me, but I’m afraid to ask, afraid of what’s happening to us.
Mel glares at him. “You knew about this—you knew she went to her old house and didn’t call me?” she snaps at Marty.
Marty is looking at me with those big brown eyes. There’s an unreadable expression on his face. It’s like he just figured out how incredibly messed up I am. “I didn’t realize it was her childhood home. ”
She pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs. Mel ignores Marty and turns back to me. “So, what are you going to do now? You can’t handle this guy, Avery. ”
“I can’t handle this life, Mel. I’m up to my neck in bills. ” I round on her. I’m sick of people thinking they know what it’s like to be in my shoes. They don’t. Even Mel has no idea. The muscles in my neck are so tense that my voice sounds strangled. “Do you know what I dream about? Do you know what I see when I close my eyes at night? Water. It’s everywhere and I can’t swim anymore. It’s exhausting. I stop swimming as the sea creeps up my shoulders, and then my neck until the top of my head goes under. Every fucking night, it’s the same dream. I drown in black water. ”
Mel is quiet for a moment. “Did going home help? Did you have the dream last night?”
I think about it. I’m not sure. “I didn’t dream anything last night. ”
I wonder why. I always have nightmares. Some are worse than others, but it’s a normal part of my life. They started when my parents died and never went away. There are two dreams. In one I’m alone and drowning in an unending ocean. In the other, I’m screaming, telling my parents not to go, but they can’t hear me. It rips my heart out of my chest every time, making all the scars ache like the accident just happened.
I feel Marty’s gaze on the side of my face. I turn and look at him. “What?” I wish he’d say whatever it is that he’s been thinking. I’m too brain dead to figure it out.
He smiles at me and looks away. “Nothing. ”
Mel watches the two of us. Her gaze flicks between me and Marty, like she’s trying to figure out a puzzle. She shakes her head and says, “Come on. It’s pancake time. Get this girl some clothes and let’s get going. ” Mel claps her hands together and rubs. Marty grabs a pair of sweat pants from his closet and tosses them to me.
I decide to eat first and shower later. Maybe some fresh air and food will clear my head.
CHAPTER 5
I manage to go to a few of my classes, but I’m so tired. When I walk back to the dorm, I’m thinking about Sean. I wish he was here. I wish my life made sense. Nothing is stable. It feels like everything is shifting beneath my feet. Every time I think I figured things out, the world gets tipped on its side again. I can’t stand it. I’m clinging, hanging on but it doesn’t make a difference. It doesn’t matter how much I try, nothing changes for the better.
As I walk through the parking lot, I glance over at my car. Sean is sitting on the hood. His jacket is zipped up to his neck. It’s freezing outside. He slips off the hood and rushes over. I stop and stare at him, like he’s an apparition.
“Hey. ”
“Hey,” I say back, still shocked to see him. My mood is so fragile. I know what I need to say, I just don’t want to. “Sean, this isn’t working out—”
“I know. I just wanted to check on you. Last night was…” he lets out a jagged breath and runs his hands through his hair.
“Intense. ” The wind blows hard. I fold my arms around my middle and shiver. I still don’t have a winter coat. “There’s no way we can do this, Sean. I’m not allowed to have relationships and I don’t think you really want one. If you did, you wouldn’t be calling Black. ”
Sean presses his lips together and looks away. A dusting of dark stubble lines his rosy cheeks. “You’re right. So what now?” He looks up at me from under his lashes. He’s so beautiful and so completely messed up.
I stand there, my mouth hanging open for a moment, just staring at him and basking in the absurdity of the situation. I’m the hooker he can’t get over. He’s beautiful and I’m a train w
reck. We’re both beyond repair. Maybe there’s no hope for either of us.
Sean watches me too closely for someone who doesn’t care. His sapphire eyes finally flick up to my face. “Do you want me around? I think that’s the question at the most basic level. I’m not worth keeping. I know that, but I need to hear it from you. ”
“Don’t do self-deprecation, Sean. ” I look away. There are students walking across the parking lot. Marty and Mel will flip out if they see him here. “Where’s your car?”
Sean jabs his thumb behind him. “I’m on the chrome monster you liked. ”
“Let me grab my jacket and helmet so we can go somewhere and talk. ” I go to turn away, and then look back at him and add, “If you think it’s worth the bother. ”
“You are definitely worth the bother. I’ll wait for you. ” Sean looks at me in a way that makes my stomach dip. It feels ominous, like he’s really saying that he’ll wait for me, forever.
I return to the parking lot a few moments later, wearing the gear he gave me with a clingy black sweater. As I zip the jacket, I feel Sean’s eyes slip over me. “Ready. ” I throw my leg over the back of the bike and we’re off.
Sean jumps on the Parkway and when we stop, we’re at Sunken Meadow. It’s a state park on the north shore. The beach is rocky, but there’s a boardwalk and a little place to grab a snack. Sean fastens our helmets to the bike. We go to the little snack shop and order coffee. Sean hands me my steaming cup.
We go back outside and stroll down the boardwalk. It’s fairly empty, because it’s too cold for sane people to be strolling along the beach. The air smells like it’s going to snow. It has the sharp crisp scent. I breathe it in deeply.