No more regrets. “All right, one night.”
CHAPTER 2
The phrase, This is weird, keeps replaying through my head like a witch’s chant. Marty is asleep next to me and it’s the middle of the night. The clock on the nightstand blinks as another minute passes and the number changes. My heart is racing, like I’m scared about something. I wish I knew what it was. So much stuff has happened that it feels like I’m standing in the center of a vortex, getting my freakin’ brains sucked out. I’m pretty sure they’re all gone, because why am I here? Better yet, why does it offend me to sleep—literally sleep—with Marty, but I’m okay with sleeping with a stranger?
Stuffing the pillow under my head, I try to get comfortable, but I can’t. I’m a liar. I lie to myself and everyone I know. My life has been torn to shreds and I’m the one who did it. Before Black, I was dirt poor—as in dirt for dinner was too expensive—but now friendships are too expensive. I’ve lost everyone who matters. Since the time I walked in on Sean and Mel, things with her have been weird, then Marty’s confession threw me for a loop, and now Sean is gone.
I’m alone. It hits me like a boulder crashing down from space. I guess that’s an asteroid, right? Oh God, it’s so late and I’m so tired, but sleep won’t come.
I roll the other way and see Marty’s peaceful face. The first thing I think is, He’s not Sean, and that’s the problem. I like Marty, I can admit that. That little tug at the center of my chest when I see him is attraction. I’m not brain dead, it’s just that someone else overshadows that little flirtation and Marty is eclipsed. Completely.
So, in the morning when I wake up, I can tell him that I like him—that he was right—but nothing good will come from it. Sometimes knowledge isn’t freeing and those words will just trap him. Marty won’t move on if I say those things. Lying to his face is going to suck, but I have to do it. Regret lines my mouth and tastes as awesome as burnt coffee grinds. I sucked this up. Maybe we both did.
My mind wanders to Mel and her advice to chase down Sean and propose. She’s so insane. Well, it’s not that the idea is insane, it’s more that it’s emotional suicide. If he said no, I think I’d walk right up to the top of the Empire State Building and throw myself off. Okay, that’s too dramatic, but I’m so fried. After he says no, then what?
What if he doesn’t say no? a little voice chirps inside my mind. What if he says yes?
And that’s the issue—what if? The ‘what ifs’ suck. They wedge themselves into the corners of my mind and fuck up my life. What if I proposed? What if he said yes? What if we were happy and had two fat babies, a dog, and a little house with a white picket fence? What if I got everything I ever wanted? What if I wasn’t a coward lying in bed next to a guy that I’m attracted to, but not in love with? Where would I be?
The reality of that answer makes me close my eyes and roll onto my back. Draping my arm over my face, I breathe in and out. If I wasn’t with Marty right now, I’d be with a stranger. I’d be a hollow shell of a woman, selling my body so I don’t have to eat freeze-dried noodles every night. It’s not that simple, but in some ways it is. Grabbing a pillow, I pull it over my face and hold it there so I’m in a vice of fluffiness.
“Do you always try to suffocate yourself while you sleep?”
I toss the pillow on the floor and turn my head toward him. My eyes aren’t filled with sleep like his. They’re strained, tense, and tired. Words are bursting inside my mind and I haven’t said a single thought out loud for hours. I have a plan. Lie to him, trick Black into thinking we did it, and hope I don’t get my ass kicked when she finds out I’m lying.
Sighing, I fiddle with the black bead on my bracelet. “Nah, normally I try to jump out the window, but these are bolted shut.” He gives me a concerned look. “Kidding, Marty. I wouldn’t be wrapped up in this crap with Black if I didn’t want to survive.”
“So, you’re going to keep doing that?” He’s on his side looking at me.
My eyes are downturned as my fingers play with the blankets. “I don’t know… It pays well enough. Hey, I have a rude question for you—how’d you afford all this? I mean, Black isn’t cheap, and requesting a specific girl jacks up the price.”
He gives me a crooked smile. “I have some money—correction, I had some money, and credit cards. I used the rest of my student loans for the semester too. I’m going to write this off as an education expense and take a tax deduction.”
I chuckle a little. “An educational experience?”
“Sure, why not. I think I learned more about human nature tonight than I did the entire time I’ve been in college.”
“And what’s that?”
“Don’t buy friends that are hookers—they don’t like it.”
I smack him with my other pillow, before tucking it back under my head. “Hooking and friendship doesn’t mix.”
“Hooking and pancakes don’t mix either. I’m never going to have the same thoughts about iHOP ever again, thanks to Mel.”
That gets another light laugh, and my tired brain launches words out of my mouth. Before I have a second to think, I blurt it out. Maybe I suck, or maybe I don’t—I don’t know anymore. I just want to do something right and not make things messier, but I have a feeling that I should shut my mouth. Nothing good ever comes after 2am, and it’s nearly an hour and a half later. “I don’t want to lie anymore—not to you—and not to me. The truth is, I think you’re great, but my brain didn’t realize how great because you were under the gay guise—the mask of Gay-o.”
“Was that a Zorro reference?”
“I don’t know what it was, but the truth is I hate how messed up things are between us. I hate that I lost you. I hate that I like you. I hate that you’re not who I thought you were, because there’s some affection between us. I know it’s there…” Marty’s lips get this soft dreamy smile, which makes me feel horrible. Oh God, I shouldn’t have said anything. Plowing through, I finish, “But—”
The grin vanishes. “Ah, the but…”
“But it’s overshadowed by someone else. Marty, I—”
“You don’t need to say more. I get it.” He rolls onto his back and takes a deep breath, like I just kicked him in the ‘nads.
I feel horrible, not better. Confession is good for the soul, my ass. “What would you have me do? Should we fake date? Should you be my rebound guy? Should we wing it and see what happens? Those are crappy choices, because in every single one of them, you’re second. You don’t deserve to be the runner-up, Marty. You deserve better than me.”
“There is no one better than you.”
“Then we’re both screwed, because I suck.” I nudge his elbow with mine, but he doesn’t return the gesture. “Tell me what you want.”
“I want you to get Sean out of your system. Either be with him or forget about him. This in the middle shit is driving me insane. I swear to God, being friends with you is beyond exhausting.”
“I know, and I’m sorry.” Sighing, I drape my arm over my eyes and say, “So, what are we? Is friendship off the table?”
He pushes up onto one elbow, lifts my wrist, and looks me in the eye. “What kind of an asshole do you think I am? Oh wait, don’t answer that.” He smiles down at me. “Yeah, we can be friends, maybe even friends that kiss?”
Laughing softly, I shake my head. “No kissing.”
Marty considers it, like he’s bargaining with some old lady at the flea market. “Okay, okay. I’ll settle for friends with benefits.” He winks at me.
“The only benefits you’ll be getting are rides in my awesome car.”
“Is that a euphemism?”
I laugh. “For what?”
“I have no idea. Your car sucks monkeys, like literally. It must have plowed down an entire gaggle of the hairy little suckers at some point. I mean, the smell alone…” I shove his arm and he laughs. Running his hands over his face, he groans, “Oh God, Avery. It’s like we both signed up to be miserable. You don’t like me enough to do anythi
ng about it, and Sean ditched you.”
I nod slowly, like something should become clear, and hope that a big fat unicorn will jump out of a rainbow that formed in the dark clouds that hang over my head. “We deserve a unicorn.”
“I know what you mean, and I’m not even gay.”
“You’re brain damaged, like me.”
“Fucking unicorns.” He glances at me and we both start laughing. It’s that sleepy giggly laugh that is difficult to stop. When we do, we’re both on our own pillows, staring up at the ceiling. “So, are you going to make yourself more miserable, like me?”
“Probably, but I need you to be more specific.”
“Are you going after him?”
I’m quiet for a moment, even though I already know the answer. Saying out loud that I’m going after Sean makes it real, admitting it to someone sets the concept in stone. I’m stepping into a pair of cement shoes and jumping off a bridge, willingly.
“Yeah, I have to see this through. I’ll get down on one knee, hold up a ring, and shut my mouth until he answers me.” I laugh, “You know, I don’t think I can take any more stress. It feels like my life is held together with cobweb string. If things don’t go well, I don’t know how I’ll get over it.”
“Mel and me are here, Avery. We always will be, and if I ever run into Henry Thomas on the street, he better run the other way. Ditto for Mel. She described what she’d do to that bastard and it’s not pretty. That woman is scary.”
CHAPTER 3
Isolation is a weird thing. I’m not sure how it happened. It kind of snuck up on me after I lost my parents. My childhood friends faded to acquaintances and then fell into the shadows of my past. I have no desire to bring them back, either. People that are only there during the good times suck. I’ve had enough leeches in my life, and I’m grateful for the friends I have now. It hasn’t escaped my notice that the people that I like the most are the kind that have been beaten by this life and didn’t lie down, face first, in the dust. We gravitate toward one another. Maybe no one has an ordinary life, but since that’s what I’m striving for, I’d rather not think about it. Chasing something that doesn’t exist would completely suck.
I can imagine bringing Mel home to meet my Mom. First off, no one ever forgets meeting Mel. She’s all personality in a mocha-skinned body with killer curves. It’s hard not to notice how striking she is when the woman is standing in front of you. I think Mom would have liked her. Mel fights for what she wants and encourages me to do the same.
Right now we’re standing in a jewelry store and I have a goofy smile on my face with bags under my eyes.
“He better appreciate this shit.” Mel is crouched over a ring case, her eyes scanning diamonds, gold, and platinum for something that has an antique feel.
“I should probably just get a plain band. He’s going to say no anyway.”
Her gaze flicks up and her caramel eyes give me the you-crazy once over. “What are you going to do if he says yes?” She folds her arms across her chest and leans her hip into the case.
I start to open my mouth when a sales girl walks over. She’s wearing a perfectly pale pink suit and is cute as a button. Mel’s going to eat her—uh, like a lion, not a hooker. Perky chick says, “My name is Tiffany and I—”
Mel tilts her head to the side like she’s annoyed and doesn’t even look at the woman. “Listen, Stepford Psycho, we aren’t going to take any crap, or hard sales, or whatever you have planned up there in your little plastic head, so walk away and if we find something to buy, I’ll snap my fingers and you will pounce over like a good little bitch because you work on commission.”
The sales girl’s face falls, her mouth gaping open in horror. She’s momentarily stunned, so Mel snaps her fingers. “Hear that?” The girl nods. “Good, now go over there until I call you. Go on. Scat. That’s a good girl.”
Tiffany’s super pink pouty lips repress a sneer as she walks away. I glance at Mel. “Do you have to be so mean?”
“She’s a bitch. Fake people deserve to be treated like they’re made of tin—or plastic. I recycle, it’s okay. Besides, you know how I feel about robots.” She cringes and shakes her head. The expression on her face is reminiscent of the second before a woman realizes there’s a spider crawling across her lips and into her mouth.
Strumming my fingers across the top of the glass case, I say, “Yes, I know you hate robots—”
“The fuckers are everywhere. If there’s going to be an apocalypse, it’s going to be from that bitch inside my phone—”
My fingers press to my temples and stare at her. “Oh my God, Mel. Not now. And I don’t think the sales girl deserved to be verbally castrated because she likes pink.”
Mel glances up at Tiffany. “Nah, I did it because she interrupted me. What was I saying?”
“What if he says yes…”
Mel nods, which makes her thick gold hoops sway back and forth. She seems to have an endless supply of huge-ass earrings. “Yeah, about that—you don’t want him to have an ugly-ass ring for the rest of your life, do you?”
“No, but none of these are quite right.” I glance over at her. Every scenario I can picture fades to black before I can even get the words out of my mouth. It’s like the black hole of horror. My mind stops there and can’t see beyond it. “Why do you think he’ll say yes?”
“Because he thinks with his dick and we’re gonna make it commandeer his brain.”
I smirk at her. “Seriously, Mel. I need to know why.”
She gives me a long hard look and exhales. “Because of the way he acted before he left. Something about it screamed overprotective, which could mean he’s an asshole that planned on ruling your life, or he actually loves you. Since, he let you keep working for Black and skipped town, I’m guessing it’s the latter. The boy may be scary as hell, but deep down he’s a coward. He wouldn’t have run off if he didn’t care about you. Besides, that whole theory lines up with what his brother told you. Sean Ferro has the hots for you.”
Her words are what I want to hear. No, they’re better than that. They give me hope and I can’t hide the stupid look that crosses my face. “So, what do I say?”
“You tackle him to the ground like a linebacker and shove the ring over his cock. Then you say, marry me. Easy peasy.” Mel sees something in the case and snaps her fingers over and over again until Tiffany bounces over. Mel and Tiff exchange deadly smiles. Mel points to a ring. “I’d like to see that one.”
Tiffany has one of those I’m-better-than-you-smiles on her face. “I’m sorry, but we only take jewelry out of the case for customers who intend to make a purchase.”
Oh shit. I glance at Mel, almost afraid to see how she took it. Mel’s face is perfectly smooth with the prettiest smile I’ve ever seen. She’s at DEFCON 1 and ready to nuke the place. Just as Mel opens her mouth, I grab her arm and cut her off, “I’m hungry. Let’s go to Friendly’s and then keep shopping. And you—“ I glare at the idiot sales girl. “I just saved your life. Remember to kiss my ass the next time you see me.”
I pull Mel out of the store before she goes into a full rant. By the time she’s onto heavy nostril breathing and death ray vision, we’re seated at a little table. The truth is Friendly’s is one of my favorite places to eat because my parents took me here when I was a kid. It was the special place that I could choose to go to whenever something awesome happened. Basically, it’s a small diner that sells sundaes and milkshakes.
Mel’s nostrils flare and she slams her hands on the table. “I’m going back there. She can’t talk to me like that!”
“So, show her that she’s a dumbass on the way out.”
Mel smashes her lips together and grunts, “I will.”
“Good.” I open the menu even though I already know what I want. My eyes skim over the plastic pages, avoiding Mel’s freaky pissed off gaze.
“I mean it.” Her jaw is locked tight.
Laughing, I say, “I know.”
I order for both of
us and eat in silence as Mel stews across from me. She dabs a fry in ketchup over and over again with a vacant look in her eye. It’s not a good look for her. It means she’s thinking, no, plotting, and nothing good ever comes from that.
After a little bit, Mel stuffs her face as fast as she can and then taps her fingers on the tabletop while she waits for me to finish my sundae. It has peanut butter sauce and fudge, which means that I’m not hurrying.
“Oh. My. God. Hurry up, Avery. You’re killing me.”
I lick the fudge off the back of my spoon without thinking. The nerves that have been twisting my stomach into knots are finally fading. I think I might be able to find Sean and ask him without puking on him. Screw wine, chocolate does wonders for the nerves. “Done.” I put my spoon down and Mel bounces out of her seat.
“I’ll pay my half to you after you find me. See you in a second, okay?”
“Mel, where are you going?”
She flashes a wicked smile my way. “Back to the jewelry store, where else?” Before I can tell her that an assault charge will interfere with her life, she’s gone.
I sit in the booth for a second and my phone chirps. I pull it out of my purse and thumb the screen to life. There’s a text message from a number that I don’t recognize. The area code isn’t from around here.
Hey…
I type back, Who’s this?
Someone who misses you.
My stomach swirls as I type in his name. Sean?
Yeah, baby. Do you miss me?
What I type doesn’t convey how much. Yes.
I miss you too… I grin like a dork for a few seconds until his next message appears. So, what are you earring? Pause. I blink at the screen trying to figure that one out when it chimes again. Ducking autocorrect.
That makes me laugh. Ikr? Damn dicks… And I press send before I see the typo. I swear, smart phones were made to make people look stupid. Ducks, ducks! I type quickly and hit send.