Read The Art and Craft of Approaching Your Head of Department to Submit a Request for a Raise Page 4

  you yourself after a respectable interval go back to see him you will of course have to wait in the corridor wait for him while chatting with ms wye circumperambulate the various departments which taken together constitute the whole or part of the firm to which you owe everything wait for the morrow wait for next tuesday taste eggs spit wash out your mouth petition the vatican to make lent and the eating of fish on fridays fully optional wait for the eldest of mr x’s sixteen grandchildren to recover but do not lose patience for there is a strong chance that on your second or third attempt your head of department will understand but all the same don’t go thinking that all the rest will fall off a log for in actual fact what has happened so far let us sum up let us be clear you went to see mr x mr x was in you knocked he raised his eyes and beckoned you to come in he asked you to be seated you laid out a plan which took his fancy he valued the solutions you suggested he took time out to get to the bottom of your proposal and it now seems he has mastered it completely now that’s all well and good but as of the present time you have not put in a single word about your indisputably justifiable claim for higher pay you could just about force yourself to grin to say er um as you wriggle on your seat but if mr x your line manager does not come out and offer you his congratulations how will you manage to tell him what the real problem is now as you surely know mr x is a line manager and a line manager never congratulates a subordinate so mr x never congratulates a subordinate and you are one of mr x’s subordinates so mr x will never congratulate you and if mr x does not congratulate you you will not be able to talk about the raise and as he certainly won’t bring it up himself all you will be able to do is to go back to your desk swearing if somewhat belatedly that you’ll never get caught out like that again and next time you won’t attempt to outsmart the fates but will utter right at the start the word raise and if it doesn’t work so much for that well that’s it you’ve made a wise decision so you go to see mr x your line manager he’s not in his office and for a very good reason he’s checking out the electronic glue dispenser so you circumperambulate the various departments which taken together constitute the whole or part of the vast organisation that is already using your electronic glue dispenser without moreover coming across a single soul that is explained by the fact that almost everybody is busy seeing how the electronic glue dispensing machine works or rather how it ought to work because it doesn’t does it that electronic glue dispensing gizmo so you go to see for yourself how the bloody whatsit is behaving and you bump into your line manager who not only fails to congratulate you but on the contrary bawls at you you allow some weeks to pass allow his ire to subside then you go back to stand at the door of your superior he is not in you take a few steps in the corridor this way and that then go to see if ms wye is at her desk she is but seems disinclined to shoot the breeze because she’s got an issue with her head of department mr wolfgang whom to keep things simple – for we must do our best to keep things simple – we shall obviously call mr w so morose and melancholic you circumperambulate the various departments which taken together constitute the whole or part of the organisation to which you feel proud to belong then go back to the office of mr x who blow me down is in who raises his eyes when you knock and even asks you with a charming smile to come in please take a seat and speak your mind that is

  so uncommon as to surely make you wary but as lucy van pelt says to charlie brown when she asks him to kick an american football that she will whisk out of range just as charlie brown thrusts his best foot forward at full speed thus causing him to fall which hurts more every time from the humiliation it engenders if you can’t trust your bosses then you’ll never get anywhere so you try out a shy smile you tell yourself that in principle mr x has nothing but the best of intentions in your regard and you confess that it is not a T60 issue that brings you that would not be of the slightest interest to him and would oblige you to wander lonely as a cloud in search of AD 4 section that you have not come with any other problem that might or might not be of interest to him and even if it were with a solution that might seem to him either fruitful or barren and even if he wanted to even if he appreciated your contribution he might or might not have the time to consider and even if he had the time to look at it carefully even if he set store by your proposal even if he were interested in the problem you are raising he might or might not understand and even if he understood appreciated took an interest in set store by was enthused by he could easily log your suggestion without thereby granting you the slightest laudatory remark or intent that would allow you to get down to the only topic which from your point of view is worth talking about to wit a substantial upward adjustment of your pecuniary emoluments so point blank looking at the whites of his eyes you boldly state that it is a matter of money ah ah ah says your line manager so you’ve come to see me about a raise say yes without a second thought first because it is the truth and you must always tell the truth second because if you say no your boss will have no trouble at all in asking you what the hell you are doing in his office at this hour instead of being in yours and at work in the service of the greater glory and good of the vast firm whose numerous departments that you circumperambulate with winsome fondness when your line manager is not in his office and ms wye is having a bad hair day constitute all or part you would have to hop it and god alone knows how kanga would ever find another opportunity to address him afresh face to face in his office your head of department’s that is first of all he would have to be in it he would have to answer when you knocked at his door he would have to agree to see you right then or if he makes an appointment for the afternoon no culinary incident would have to impact on his bonhomie none of his daughters or grandchildren would have to be heading for a bout of measles so it’s better to tell him the truth and to indicate to him that having been taken on at the age of sixteen years and three months as provisional assistant errand boy with a wage of 5,375 old francs and 50 old centimes a month you rose up the ranks step by step to your present position of assistant technical staff category 3 step 11 with a cost of living index rating of 247 which is to say real take-home pay after social security and other deductions in favour of the appropriate bodies of 691 new francs and 00 new centimes if your line manager is crafty and he is or else he would not be your line manager he will observe that you are certainly not working ten times as much as at the time of your first hiring and yet you are earning ten times more and he can’t see what you are grumbling about i’m not asking for myself you will say sir but for my poor children my four wee girls who have just caught measles this last piece of information may perhaps not constitute a real argument in favour of your nonetheless quite justifiable claim all things considered it would be better to leave it out next time all the more so because next time your four wee girls not to mention you yourself will surely have got over it thanks to antibiotics and sulpha series medications to be found in great abundance among the range of pharmaceuticals available in france which are moreover refundable by the national health insurance scheme for which you pay regular premiums so once you are out of the sickbay you weigh the pros and cons you go to see mr x let us suppose to keep things simple – for we must do our best to keep things simple – that it all goes swimmingly let me check for the record that a fully favourable conduct of the campaign requires the beneficent and therefore inherently unlikely concordance of a heap of items variously located in the animal vegetable and mineral domains among them we will mention only – because we really do want to keep our demonstration as short as possible and not burden it with matters that would in the end be considered otiose – so among them we will mention i repeat only the good mood of ms wye the freshness of eggs the line manager’s oesophagal unobstruction the absence of measles these conditions being met we can more easily grant that your head of department may see you and not have a priori reasons for dismissing out of hand your request for a raise does he not himself spend his time trying to get one from mr z all the same it’s a well-known fact that no line manager ever g
rants a raise or even considers such a matter with even an iota of seriousness without having first gone right through the claimant’s own view of the admissibility of said wish now obviously if you had a good idea which would allow the business that has always placed its trust in you

  to cut its wage base by 40% while increasing its profits by the same amount that would perhaps count in your favour but i seem to remember we have proven scientifically that you cannot have any ideas of the sort because either you have T60 ideas that are of no interest to anybody or else you think you have an idea but either your line manager could not give a damn or does give a damn but finds it too stupid or does give a damn and does not find it too stupid but doesn’t have the time to think about it your idea i mean or does give a damn does not find it too stupid does have the time to think about it but can’t make head or tail of it or else does give a damn does find it brilliant finds the time to take it on board and understands it from head to tail your idea that is but forgets meanwhile that you had come to see him about a raise so it is far better not to have an idea the part you played in a major project carried out by your firm with great brilliance could give significant support to your request for pecuniary enhancement you will be asked frankly answer in like manner if you have recently been involved in a successful project say yes if you have not been involved in a major project say no if you have recently been involved in a major cock-up say nothing about it and if you were involved long long ago in a very minor project which though not exactly a disaster could not be counted a real success say nothing about that either obviously it could be the case that your company has pulled off a number of major coups but that those were the ones in which you were not involved or worse still that it inexplicably bungled all the projects in which you played a major or minor part do not draw hasty conclusions and in any case to keep things simple – for we must do our best to keep things simple – we will not take such eventualities into account but let us suppose for this is indeed the most likely situation that you have not been involved in a recent major successful project which can be accounted for by the fact that your firm hasn’t carried off a major coup for nearly four years now not for lack of wanting but its attempts to establish a shipyard in chartres a rail link from dunkirk to tamanrasset or to build a medical centre in the paris region all turned out to be unviable so you answer that you have not recently been involved in a major successful project do not add there is no point that you did all you could your line manager knows that and that is the very reason he holds you in such esteem moreover do not think all is lost all is not yet lost if you keep on good terms with your engineer that could stand in your favour and so your line manager solely in order to help you will ask if you are on good terms with your engineer answer as honestly as you can if you are on good terms with your engineer say yes if you are not on good terms with your engineer say er let us suppose that you are not on good terms with your engineer such things do happen you have nothing against him personally but he gets on your nerves and what’s more he spends his time getting at you for not being at your desk or for getting in late he keeps on asking where you’ve been after all it’s not your fault if mr x is never at his desk when you go to see him after having weighed the pros and cons and girded up your loins to ask for a raise of course it is not necessary to inform mr x of all the bones you have to pick with your engineer because mr x for strictly professional reasons discipline being the solid foundation of all firms be they in the national nationalised or private sector could take your engineer’s side so restrain yourself from uttering more than er or perhaps um sigh if you have to hold down your tears pull out a few of your hairs strike your breast but above all do not attempt to tell a real whopper that would not be any use because mr x will in any case take advisement from said engineer and that will be worse tell yourself that even engineers do not live for ever that he may yield to the temptations of the brain drain that he may choke on a fish bone or get food poisoning from an egg that is off or succumb to complications arising from late-onset measles you do not even have to give fate a helping hand or if you do get it done without any witnesses around leave no clues and cook up a cast-iron alibi so we shall suppose to keep things simple – for we must do our best to keep things simple – either that fate has been extremely kind to you or that you did not get caught in short here you are with a new engineer get on with him for instance by pretending to get on with the job or why not by actually doing the job for a few weeks you’ll see it can be quite interesting anyway it’s no bad thing for you to give up the habit of going to see mr x every five minutes at least for a while mr x is beginning to get a bad impression when after a few weeks or a few months the air has been cleared you are getting on with your new engineer like a house on fire the criminal investigation department has given up on the case charges against mr x have been dismissed the company got a major government subsidy that saved it from going broke you turn up once again to see mr x he’s not in no matter you pace up and down in the corridor while you wait then since he seems to be a long time coming you go to see if you can have a schmooze with ms wye but ms wye is not in her office and it doesn’t seem she’s in a good mood either so you circumperambulate the various departments which taken together constitute the whole or part of the organisation which has given you everything and if you bump into your engineer grace him with your most gracious smile but don’t forget that next time you should be equipped with some file or other to justify your being in the vicinity of a department you have nothing to do with in theory nor does your engineer by the way but pointing that out to him won’t get you very far some days later go back to see mr x he is still not in you wait in the corridor then you go to see ms wye but ms wye though appearing to be in the very best of moods is not in her office and so you gear yourself up to circumperambulate the various departments which taken together constitute the whole or part of the huge organisation in whose bosom you are bored stiff for forty-five hours a week when you see mr x appear at the end of the corridor so five minutes after you go and knock on his door but naturally he doesn’t even answer and you return downcast but not really disheartened for it takes more than that to knock you down to your desk you do not try your luck anew the next day because the morrow is thursday and if mr x were to put you off to the day after the morrow that morrow would be a friday and mr x might scratch himself on a fish bone or get indigestion from none-too-fresh-laid eggs and in the situation that is now yours with two years and three months still to go before retirement it has become dangerous to take unnecessary risks you wait until the following tuesday which proves to be a happy day since you find ms wye at her desk at your first attempt and delighted to have a chitchat on the other hand you don’t see a sign of mr x and as your conversation peters out after three hours and fifteen minutes ms wye having lost all her good humour throws you out and asks you not to come back tomorrow wednesday you quite pointlessly circumperambulate forty-five times in a row the various departments which taken together constitute the whole or part of the vast organisation where you eat your heart out the next day thursday you avoid meeting mr x altogether but in the ardent wish to stack all the odds in your favour you produce a weighty tome of paperwork for your engineer who deigns to say thank you the following day friday you clumsily knock the contents to wit a seafood salad and a portion of baked alaska off your cafeteria tray thereby soiling the freshly-pressed suit of your line manager mr x out of caution you allow two weeks to pass before making any new attempt then you go to see mr x but mr x is not in so you wait for him in the corridor then as ms wye seems to be still in a foul mood you circumperambulate the various departments which taken together constitute the whole or part of one of france’s most powerful concerns then you go to see mr x he is in he raises his eyes when you knock he tells you to come in and even asks you to be seated despite having lots of little red spots on his face but as you’ve been taught that you must only ask your line manager if one of his daughters has measles if he fails to offer you a
seat you do not ask him about his health or the health of his loved ones you try to relax and to lay out your problem well let’s see says mr x is this a T60 issue no you say does this involve another project no you say is this about a raise yeeees you blurt now let’s see your line manager then says have you recently been involved in a major successful company project not really you say ah ah says mr x are you on good terms with your engineer yeees you blurt in triumph well and good says mr x and what can we do for you you see it’s all gone swimmingly no major incident has inflected the straight path of your two hundred and fifty-fifth bid could it be at long last that after so many years devoted persistently to this sole project you are at long last nearing your goal i really don’t think so myself but that’s not a reason for you to disbelieve in clear and intelligible speech smiling through your tears restraining the emotions that well up from your heart you explain that you earn 691 francs a month and would like to er um earn er perhaps not 6, 910 or even 6, 190 or even 1, 960 or even 1, 690 but er 961 or 900 well 850 er 800 ok 791 take it or leave it all right i’ll come down to er 700 fine says your line manager do not make the naive mistake of thinking that your line manager will answer with a yes or with a no rest assured you will not get the raise you want i mean you will not get it in the here and now just like that on the nail you will not leave the office of mr x richer by 9 francs a month you have to grasp that in a company such as the one you work for one of the largest major companies in france a raise raises very complex issues not only with respect to accountancy but with respect to all aspects of the socio-economic policies for the short medium and long term of said company moreover it is obvious that mr x does not have the power to give you a raise just like that by clicking his fingers the most he could do is write a letter of support to the head of human resources who after consulting the appropriate authorities could propose as a part of an overall recalibration of the wages component of the company’s outgoings a recalibration intimated moreover in the fifth national economic plan to put forward your name to an upcoming meeting or one of the subsequent meetings of the board of directors to sum up mr x though unable to meet your request on the spot can either give you to understand that your initiative not only does not surprise him but makes him wonder why you have taken so long to come up with it because he has always been in favour of such a step and encourages you to cherish the hope of promotion in a not excessively distant future time or tell you more or less straight out that he finds your demands unjustifiable cynical base and mean and that he never imagined you supposedly a model employee capable of such skulduggery in short either he gives you grounds for hope or he does not let us suppose he does not you now have several options for instance you could allow yourself to be seduced by pastures new and apply for a job with a rival firm but don’t forget that with eighteen months to go before retirement you won’t get many stellar offers alternatively you could go in for kidnapping blackmail or falsifying accounts but don’t forget that these three avocations apart from requiring considerable skill are severely punished by local courts you could also sell the closely guarded manufacturing secrets that your firm keeps in a safe under lock and key to the highest bidder but to do that you would have to know what they are you could also bet on the horses but you already do bet on horses in short the best thing in my view is still to let it ride for another six months then go back to see your line manager we shall suppose to keep things simple – for we must do our best to keep things simple even at this stage of the game – that this fresh approach will not take any more time than any of your previous approaches it could perhaps take even take less time if with all the wisdom you have gleaned from experience you learn to stack all the odds in your favour you must not be an out-and-out pessimist you mustn’t always look only on the dark side mr is x is not a bad sort the powerful firm you work for is not intent on giving you only grief your engineer has no reason not to get on with you bone-free fish also exist eggs are not always off if it is caught in time measles is not a serious illness and nothing prompts us to believe that the next time you are seated face to face with mr x and telling him all the ins and outs in a now slightly quavery from advancing years voice of your difficult existence and existential difficulties he will not listen with attentiveness sympathy nay real emotion and not allow you to glimpse the possibility of a not too distant raise you really shouldn’t hold it against him if the raise doesn’t arrive in the days immediately following we explained at some length that it was a complicated issue wait for six months then when six months later your hopes have been fully dashed go back to see mr x if he is there if he raises his eyes when you knock if he asks you in straight off if he asks you to be seated and agrees to hear you out try to persuade him just one more time.