‘Oh, David,’ Essie says, standing up and hugging me.
‘It just sort of hit me, all at once,’ I say between gasps, my speech all jerky. ‘That things aren’t going to magically fix themselves. They’re only going to get worse, way worse.’
‘Not necessarily,’ Felix says. ‘You don’t know what’s going to happen.’
‘Yes I do. I’m a disgusting mutant who is only going to get more disgusting and more mutant-like. Did you know I’m a size nine shoe now?’
‘Kate Winslet is a size nine,’ Felix says quickly.
‘How the hell do you know that?’ Essie asks him.
‘I don’t know, I just do. Paris Hilton’s feet are even bigger apparently.’
‘You’re making me feel weird now,’ Essie says.
Their bickering sort of helps me calm down.
‘I just feel so … lonely,’ I say.
‘Don’t say that. You’ve got us,’ Essie says, tugging on my tie. And she’s right, I do. But they’ve also got each other.
That lunch time I meet Leo in the library. Although talking to Essie and Felix helped a bit, I’m still feeling weird and empty from my monumentally rubbish weekend, like a bit of me might be missing or broken. I’m certainly not in the mood for trigonometry. Beside me Leo is waiting patiently for me to complete the next problem. He seems more relaxed. I wonder why.
‘How was the party on Saturday?’ I ask.
‘What party?’ Leo asks slowly, keeping his eyes on the page.
‘Becky Somerville’s. Didn’t you go? I thought the whole of Year 11 was there.’
‘Oh that party. It was all right,’ he says with a shrug,
‘nothing special.’
‘Oh,’ I say, doodling a star on my page. ‘That’s funny.’
‘How so?’
‘It’s just that I heard it was really amazing.’
I watch his face carefully, alert for clues, certain he’s not giving me the full story.
‘David?’
‘Yes?’
‘The hypotenuse?’
‘Sorry?’
‘Which side of the triangle is the hypotenuse?’ he asks, prodding at the page with the end of his pen.
‘Er, that one,’ I say, pointing aimlessly.
‘No, that’s the adjacent side. C’mon, you know this stuff, David.’
‘Clearly I don’t,’ I say, frustration building in my belly.
Leo sighs.
‘Look at it again.’
I try to look at the page but I can’t concentrate properly. The more I try to focus the more the page blurs, the words and shapes beginning to dance in front of my eyes. I can’t help it, I’m mad at him, even though he technically hasn’t done anything wrong, which somehow seems worse.
‘Which one is the hypotenuse?’ Leo repeats.
‘I don’t know,’ I say, horrified to discover a film of tears forming in front of my eyes.
‘Yes you do. You’re not trying. Just relax and concentrate.’
But I can’t. I’m too blinded by aimless frustration to focus my thoughts.
‘C’mon, David. This is easy.’
‘I said I don’t know,’ I yell, throwing down my pen. ‘I don’t know, OK?’
I expect Leo to flinch, but he stays perfectly still, his face unreadable.
‘David,’ he says wearily, like I’m some toddler throwing a tantrum.
I stand up, grabbing my books and shoving them into my backpack.
‘David, stop being an idiot and sit down.’
‘Why should I? I clearly am an idiot. You said as much.’
‘No I didn’t. Look, let’s try again. We can start at the beginning.’
‘I’m not in the mood, OK. Let’s just call it a day.’
I throw a five-pound note down on the table and stalk out of the library.
Leo doesn’t come after me.
24
The rest of October passes in a blur. Despite David storming out of our maths session, we continue to meet. We clear the air but he seems different – quieter and more preoccupied. Sometimes I feel bad taking his money in return for my help, but it’s clear he can afford it. Besides it means I have the cash to treat Alicia right.
My detention finally comes to an end. At the same time, all the drama round me hitting Harry seems to have died down. Harry still snarls at me in the corridor, but only when there’s a crowd around. For once in my life, things actually seem calm. I seem calm.
It’s the Friday before Halloween, and Alicia is having dinner with her family. I roam around the house, restless and impatient, counting down the minutes until I see her tomorrow.
‘Will you stop pacing up and down like that, Leo?’ Amber demands. ‘You’re like a caged animal or something.’
‘Sorry,’ I mutter, lying down on my bunk.
I still can’t keep still though; even lying down, and after a moment Amber’s head appears upside down, her hair brushing the bunk-bed frame.
‘What’s your deal, Leo?’ she asks. ‘You’ve been acting well weird lately.’
‘I don’t have a deal,’ I lie, swatting at her ponytail.
My phone beeps.
‘Who’s that?’ she asks.
‘None of your business,’ I reply.
Amber narrows her eyes but returns to her bunk.
I turn on to my side so I can get my phone out of my back pocket. It’s a text from Alicia:
Missing you xoxo
I roll onto my back and break into this goofy grin, thankful Amber can’t see me. Because it’s the sort of grin that would give me away in seconds. Cos she’s right, I am behaving differently. I can’t help it.
I’ve told Amber I’m tutoring David on the nights I see Alicia so I don’t have to spill the beans. I don’t know why, but talking out loud about her to anyone feels wrong, like it might jinx things. I want to keep Alicia and me in a precious bubble, safe from the outside world, for now at least. But despite this, I can’t ignore this niggling feeling of guilt. Most of the time I can keep it buried, but every so often Alicia will smile at me, or tell me some cute little secret, and the guilt creeps up and slices me in two, so sharply it almost takes my breath away. I know I’m skating on thin ice, but at the same time I just can’t bring myself to stop.
The following night, Saturday, we go to the cinema to watch a Halloween screening of some weird horror film from the 1970s. The whole way through she holds on to my hand really hard, her nails digging into my flesh during the especially gruesome bits. It sort of hurts after a while, but I don’t care.
After the cinema I walk her home, even though it’s pouring down with rain. By the time we reach her front door we’re totally drenched. But it’s like neither of us have even noticed.
‘You know what I was thinking tonight?’ she asks. ‘In between screaming like a five-year-old girl of course.’
Jesus, she looks good wet.
‘No. What?’ I ask.
‘How you are totally unlike any boy I’ve ever dated.’
I stiffen. Although I know Alicia’s been out with other boys, I don’t like to dwell on the fact for more than a few seconds. I have to keep reminding myself that she’s with me, but it’s hard when I’m pretty sure she could have any boy she wanted.
I continue to frown.
‘That’s a positive thing,’ she insists. ‘I like that you’re your own person, that you don’t care about being popular or being hard or showing off. You’re different. And I like different. I like it a lot.’
She rubs her wet nose against mine in an Eskimo kiss. And I get this weird feeling of déjà vu. Then I remember, Mam used to kiss me and Amber like that when she tucked us in at night. I’d completely forgotten about that until now.
‘Do you want to come in?’ Alicia asks, her voice suddenly all husky and grown-up sounding. ‘My family are out.’
I pull away from her and make a big show of looking at the time on my phone.
‘Jesus, I would love to, you have no idea how
much. But it’s getting kind of late. My mum will be off her rocker if I don’t get home soon.’
It’s a lie. Mam is out with Spike tonight, due back God knows when. But Alicia doesn’t know that. She nods, disappointed.
‘You do still fancy me, don’t you?’ she asks, half joking, half serious.
I groan. ‘Course I do. I just want things to be special, you know?’
Alicia pouts a little but nods.
‘You’re right,’ she says. ‘I just really, really like you, Leo.’
‘Tell me about it,’ I reply, grinning.
She blushes and giggles. And I know I’m off the hook.
We kiss once more before saying a final goodnight.
As I walk home, even though I’m still buzzing, the same thought keeps popping up and ruining my mood. How much longer can this go on?
On Thursday I cancel my maths session with David so I have time to go home and change before taking Alicia to the annual Guy Fawkes bonfire and fireworks display in Eden Park. I’ve never been before. Until this year Eden Park was a faraway land I had no real concept of, beyond knowing I didn’t belong there. I have a feeling the Eden Park display will be very different from the unofficial Cloverdale ones where kids run riot across the estate, chucking fireworks at each other, the constant wail of fire engines in the background.
Remember, remember, the fifth of November. The rhyme pops into my head as I near the park. Alicia is already there when I arrive, wearing a red bobble hat that makes her look really cute and waving a sparkler. When she sees me she drops the sparkler and comes running over, throwing her arms around my neck. It still takes me back when she does this; the way she’s so uninhibited about who sees us, like she’s proud to be with me.
As we walk through the gates, although I’m pretty sure no one from Cloverdale will be here, I pull my navy beanie hat down low over my head.
In the centre of the park a huge bonfire is ablaze. Even from here I can feel its warmth on my cheeks. To the left there’s a small funfair and a cluster of food stalls.
‘Let’s go on the big wheel!’ Alicia says, dragging me towards the lights.
She pays for our tickets and we clamber up a set of rickety steps and into the first available seats. A boy not much older than us takes our tickets and pulls a bar down onto our laps. Almost immediately we swing upwards. Alicia lets out a squeal and clutches my arm.
‘Sorry to be such a big kid,’ she says, her eyes shining. ‘But I love all this stuff.’
Our car jerks higher still and the noise below us begins to fade as we creak steadily upwards. I look over the side, at the tops of heads of the people milling around below us. Beside me Alicia gazes down at them, this look of wonder on her face, and in that second I decide I could look at her for days on end and never get bored.
At the top, our car swaying gently as more riders are let on and off down below, Alicia lets out a sigh.
‘It’s so peaceful up here,’ she says. ‘I love it.’
‘I know what you mean,’ I reply. ‘It’s like I can breathe properly up here, if that makes sense.’
‘It makes total sense,’ Alicia says, taking my bare hand and tucking it under her mittened one.
We go round a few more times. But it’s being at the top I like best, where, for a few seconds, I imagine Alicia and I are the only people on the planet.
‘Where’s Cloverdale from here?’ she asks.
I twist round and try to get my bearings.
‘I dunno, er, that way I guess,’ I say, pointing off to the right.
‘Will you take me there some day?’
‘Where? Cloverdale? You don’t want to see Cloverdale, believe me.’
‘But I do,’ she insists, jiggling my arm. ‘I want to see where you live, see your bedroom, meet your sisters, your mum.’
‘Nothing much to see,’ I say casually. ‘And Mam, she works a lot, she’s hardly ever in …’
‘You’re not ashamed of me are you, Leo?’
I make a face. ‘As if.’
‘Then what’s the problem?’
‘There isn’t one.’
I try to imagine Alicia in our cramped front room, perched on the edge of the settee, drinking a cup of tea. Suddenly Mam is invading the picture, swaying about with a fag dangling between her fingers, a can of cider in the other hand. Then Spike is in on the act, wandering in wearing nothing but his cartoon boxer shorts, burping and farting and scratching. Before I know it, Tia’s there too, gazing up at Alicia like she’s one her beloved Disney Princesses and asking a ton of dumb questions. All three of them are like ticking time bombs, liable to ruin everything at any time with no warning. And this is without Amber to factor in.
‘They do know about me, don’t they?’ Alicia asks, leaning away from me.
‘Course they do,’ I lie. ‘I haven’t stopped going on about you!’
She relaxes into a smile and snuggles back up against me.
‘Tell me more about your mum, Leo. You never talk about her.’
I frown and scratch my head, trying to work out how to best describe my disaster zone of a mother.
‘She’s difficult,’ I say eventually.
‘Difficult how?’
‘She’s one of those people whose mood sort of affects the whole house, you know? Like if she’s in a good mood, it’s like we can all relax, but if she’s in a bad one, everyone knows it and feels it.’
‘Why is she like that do you think? I mean, there must be a reason for her acting that way?’
I shrug. ‘I dunno. It’s just how she’s always been. It’s Tia I feel most sorry for, when she’s not driving me up the wall at least. She doesn’t know whether she’s coming or going with Mam blowing hot then cold all the time.’
‘Sounds tough,’ Alicia says, stroking my hand.
‘It’s OK. I mean, it could be worse. It’s not like she beats us or starves us, or anything. She’s just not your typical mother I suppose.’
Understatement of the year. My cheeks feel suddenly hot. I always get nervous when I feel I might have said too much. For a few seconds we sit in silence, the air hazy with smoke from the bonfire.
‘Leo?’ Alicia says, as our car rocks back and forth.
‘Yeah?’
‘After the fireworks tonight, do you want to come back to my house?’
I swallow. ‘Won’t your parents be there?’
Alicia grins triumphantly. ‘Nope. They’re at a charity dinner tonight. Won’t be back until late. And my brother’s staying over at my nana’s so we’ll have the entire place to ourselves.’
She leans in close so her breath tickles my ear lobes. ‘So what do you say?’
Instead of answering properly, I kiss her. And it’s a great kiss, full of longing and lust and emotion and all that. But something else too. Fear.
After the big wheel, we buy hot dogs and pink candy floss on sticks. I hit all the targets at the shooting gallery and win Alicia a giant cuddly canary.
As we’re making our way towards the fire, our mouths and fingers sticky from the candy floss, I hear someone call my name. My first instinct is to freeze up, terrified it’s someone from Cloverdale. But then I connect the voice to its owner. David.
‘Hey,’ I say, as David weaves through the crowds towards us, Essie and Felix behind him. In skinny jeans, fur-lined parka and a rainbow striped scarf trailing on the ground, he looks different from when he’s in school uniform – less awkward.
‘Hi, Leo. Having a good night?’ he asks. He seems nervous.
‘Yeah, thanks. You?’
‘Yeah, good.’
He looks from me to Alicia and back again. I clear my throat.
‘Er, guys, this is Alicia. Alicia, this is David, Essie and Felix.’
Alicia nods enthusiastically.
‘I’ve seen you all around school,’ she says. ‘Nice to meet you properly.’
A silence quickly descends, all the more pronounced by the racket going on around us.
‘We
ll, this is nice and awkward,’ Essie says loudly, reaching forward and swiping a handful of candy floss from my stick. David elbows her.
Alicia turns to me and tugs at the drawstring on my hoodie.
‘We should get moving if we’re going to get a good spot at the front,’ she says.
‘Right,’ I say. ‘Er, see you guys at school, yeah?’
‘Yeah, see you at school,’ the three of them echo.
Alicia links her arm through mine. As we edge towards the crowd, I glance over my shoulder. Essie and Felix have wandered over to the Hook a Duck stall but David is still looking in our direction, a very slight frown on his face. For a second our eyes meet. He smiles tightly before darting over to join them.
At eight o’clock the fireworks begin. I’ve never really been bothered, but I guess I just never looked at them in the right way before, because tonight, listening to Alicia gasp and sigh as they splutter and crackle over our heads, I’m a complete fireworks convert.
It’s almost enough to distract me from the anxiety in my belly that shows no signs of going away.
25
‘You sure they’re not going to be back until late?’ I ask as Alicia unlocks her front door.
‘I promise you. They go to this dinner every year, and every year they get back at stupid o’clock. Dad’s even taken tomorrow off work because of it. Free bar and all that. Seriously, we’ve got hours.’
‘Right,’ I say, following Alicia into the dark hallway, trailing the stuffed canary on the ground behind me.
I almost persuaded Alicia we should head to Nando’s with Ruby and Liam and a few other kids from our year. Not that I particularly wanted to go, but I knew by the time we’d got there and ordered and eaten and argued over the bill, it would probably be too late to go back to Alicia’s. But Alicia had made up her mind, whispering something in Ruby’s ear before dragging me away from the safety of the crowd.
‘You want a drink?’ she asks, taking off her coat.
‘Er, yeah, please. Water’s fine, or Coke if you’ve got some.’
She rolls her eyes. ‘I meant a real drink.’