Reaching for her day planner, she opened it with trembling hands, turning back the pages one by one. Two months and four days to the day of the rape. She kept going until she found the small notation two weeks before that. Clutching the planner on her lap, she stared at the date. “I guess I’d better go see the doctor.”
Janet came back and sat down beside her. She took Dynah’s hand between her own. “It’ll be okay,” she said, sounding less than convinced. “I’m sure if you are pregnant, which you probably aren’t . . . I mean, you’ve been through so much; of course, you’d skip. That’s probably what’s happened. They can give you something to get you back to normal again.”
Normal? Oh, God, will I ever be normal again?
Janet’s hand tightened on hers. “Even if you were pregnant, they’d take care of it for you. You wouldn’t have to worry about it. Nobody would even have to know. This early, it wouldn’t be anything anyway, and it’s not like it was your fault. So it’ll be okay. Whatever happens, it’ll be okay. Hang on to that, Dynah. It’ll be okay.”
Only it wasn’t. It wasn’t okay.
I’m never going to be the same, am I, Lord? Never again.
Dr. Kennon pulled off his gloves and dropped them into a metal waste receptacle while a nurse helped Dynah sit up on the end of the examination table. The doctor glanced at the nurse and gave her a nod. She quietly left the room. Turning his back on Dynah, he turned on the water and began washing his hands while she adjusted the hospital gown to cover herself completely. Her heart thumped heavily as she awaited his verdict.
He pushed the faucet handle down with the back of his hand and yanked two paper towels from the holder. “You should’ve taken the estrogen therapy, Miss Carey.”
Her heart sank into the pit of her stomach. He might as well have punched her the way he said the words. The implication was clear enough. She had been a fool. Her skin went clammy; yellow spots danced before her eyes.
Drying his hands, he looked at her grimly. He dropped the towels into the waste receptacle. She closed her eyes, feeling the wave of shock crest and recede, leaving her numb.
“I’m sorry,” he said flatly. Assessing her face, he took her wrist lightly, checking her pulse. “Lie down for a few minutes.”
“No, thank you,” she said. She wanted to sit up and die.
He put her hand on her thigh and stepped back. “I’ll schedule a suction curettage for later this afternoon.” He took up her chart and began making notations on it as he spoke. “It won’t be as easy as the pill would have been, but it won’t be too bad either. The procedure won’t take very long, but expect to be in recovery for about an hour afterward. I don’t expect any complications. It’s just a safety precaution.” He flipped the chart closed and lowered it to his side as he looked at her again. “You’ll need a friend to drive you home. Your fiancé, perhaps?” He had noticed the diamond solitaire she wore.
She didn’t say anything.
“Miss Carey? Do you understand what I am saying to you?”
“Yes, sir,” she said in a choked voice, trembling inside. Was life really so cut and dried?
He looked at her solemnly. “Can you get dressed by yourself, or would you like the nurse to help you?”
“I can manage. Thank you.”
As soon as the door closed behind him, she quickly slipped down from the examination table and reached for her clothing. Dressed, she folded the hospital gown and left it on the examining table.
Dr. Kennon was speaking with a woman at the nurses’ station. He handed the chart over the counter and took another. Seeing Dynah, he turned to her. “The procedure is scheduled for three o’clock. Be here about thirty minutes early.”
She kept her head down as she passed the nurse who had assisted Dr. Kennon. The clerk glanced up. Dynah had already filled out the medical and personal forms. No one said anything as she kept going. The glass doors swished open before her, and she went outside.
She wanted to run. Fear caught her high in the throat, and her mind flashed back to that night in Henderson Park. Gulping in the crisp air, she hurried along the sidewalk toward the parking lot. Unlocking the door, she slid quickly into the front seat and slammed the door, locking it.
Clutching the steering wheel, she leaned forward and pressed her forehead against it. She sat for a long moment, until her heart slowed its crazy beat and she could breathe properly again.
She didn’t feel safe until she drove beneath the arch of New Life College. Pulling into a parking space near the dorm, she sat for a few minutes, trying to think. Her mind was such a jumble, ruled by emotions. She felt like a rabbit being chased by a pack of hounds. She needed a hole in which to hide. A place of safety.
A tap on her window made her jump.
Joe stood looking in at her, his brow furrowed. “You okay?”
Fumbling for her shoulder bag, she opened the car door. She forced a smile and shrugged, hoping she didn’t look the way she felt.
“Don’t forget your keys,” he said.
Blushing, she sat and leaned in to get them. She got out again and closed the car door behind her.
“You should lock it,” he said, opening the door and hitting the switch before closing it again. He turned and looked at her. “You’re shaking,” he said softly. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m pregnant,” she said before she knew she was going to say it aloud. “I’m pregnant, Joe.” The emotions welled up inside her like a volcano until she was sure she was going to explode. “Oh, God. What am I going to do, Joe? What am I going to do?”
Joe put his hand beneath her arm. His hand was warm and strong, offering her support. “Let’s go sit down by the lake and talk about it,” he said quietly, his tone filled with tenderness.
She pulled away. “I can’t. I can’t talk to you about it. I have to talk to Ethan first. I shouldn’t’ve said anything.” She had to calm down. People were going to notice. People were going to talk.
“He’s not due back on campus until this evening.”
“But I have to go back to the hospital this afternoon. I have to be there by two thirty.” As soon as she said it, she wished she hadn’t. Joe knew. She didn’t have to spell out what she was talking about. He understood perfectly. Ashamed, she looked away. “The doctor said—” She looked at him again beseechingly, wanting his understanding if not his approval. “I have to do it.”
Joe touched her cheek tenderly. “Don’t let anyone do your thinking for you, Dynah.”
His words calmed her somehow, easing the turmoil within her. “What else can I do, Joe? I don’t know what to do.”
“Don’t rush into anything.”
“But the doctor said . . .”
“The doctor doesn’t know everything. He doesn’t know you.”
She looked away. “I can’t talk about it right now,” she said, unable to bear his gentleness. It made everything worse, and she knew why.
“Dynah, please. Let’s sit and talk.”
“Why? So you can tell me what to do?”
“I won’t. I promise.”
“Yes, you will. You think you know better than anyone what’s right and wrong, don’t you? Just like Ethan. I got myself into this, didn’t I? I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I should never have walked up Henderson that night. I should have called Janet for a ride. I should’ve pressed the mechanic harder and gotten my car back sooner. I should have called a taxi. I should’ve done anything but what I did. Isn’t that it? No one cares what I feel.”
“Dynah . . .”
Turning away, she hurried toward the dorm. She glanced back as she went inside and saw Joe standing where she had left him.
She didn’t go back to the hospital. She stayed in her room, sitting on her bed, her back against the wall, her knees pulled up against her chest. The telephone rang at four o’clock. She pressed her forehead against her knees, sure it was the doctor wanting to know why she hadn’t shown up to have the procedure.
The answering
machine clicked on, and she heard her mother’s voice. “Dynah, honey? It’s Mom. Call me. Please. I know you’re busy studying, but it’s been weeks since we talked. I miss you, sweetie.”
Dynah leaned her head back against the wall and closed her eyes.
Ethan stared at her, his face white. “Are you joking? There must be some mistake.”
“No,” she said dully, looking down at her clenched hands. “There’s no mistake. I wish there were.”
“I don’t believe it,” he said, raking a hand back through his hair. “I don’t believe this is happening! I didn’t think things could get any worse.”
Raising her gaze, she watched the turmoil in his face. She was afraid of what she saw, afraid of what this might mean to their relationship. Only a few days before, she thought they had reached a place of repose, accepting what had happened and moving on together. Now, she saw that wasn’t so. Nothing was settled. Nothing was certain. “What are we going to do?”
Ethan looked away, a muscle working in his cheek, his eyes narrowed with anger. After a moment, he looked back at her, his expression grim. “What you have to do, I guess.”
“Have the baby?”
“No!” His voice was low, his eyes blazing. “The doctor told you what you have to do.”
“He was talking about abortion.”
He leaned closer, looking around the restaurant to make sure they weren’t overheard. “Don’t you think I know that?”
“But it’s wrong, Ethan. We’ve talked about it. We’ve agreed abortion is wrong.”
“Of course it’s wrong—when girls are using it for birth control or women are doing it because having a baby is an inconvenience or a financial burden or a guy doesn’t want to take responsibility. But under these circumstances? How can it be wrong? Is it your fault you’re pregnant? Am I supposed to be a father to something so despicable?”
She trembled inside. She couldn’t bear to look into Ethan’s eyes and see the revulsion. Had it occurred to him that what she carried was part of her, too?
“Besides,” he said, his voice less harsh, more in control, “do you think that doctor would have suggested anything he didn’t believe was absolutely necessary?”
“Just because it’s legal doesn’t mean it’s right.”
“It doesn’t mean it’s wrong, either. What about your mental health? You were raped!”
“And an abortion will make me feel better?” she said, fighting back the tears. Did he know what he was saying? Hadn’t he been the one to write papers about the procedures employed? Hadn’t he read it all to her, his voice ringing with righteous zeal?
“It would put a finish to what happened. It wasn’t God’s desire that you get pregnant.”
“How do I know what God wanted? Haven’t you been saying God has His hand in everything? That this is all part of His plan for me?” she asked in despair.
“You can’t believe that, Dynah. Do you really think this is His best for us? God wouldn’t do this.”
“I didn’t say He did it. He just didn’t stop it from happening.”
Ethan gripped her hands. “We’ve done everything right, Dynah. We’ve kept our relationship pure. We’re serving Him. This . . . this act upon you was an abomination. It was Satan trying to disrupt my plans for our future.”
“But now there’s a—”
“No.” His hands tightened painfully around hers. “Don’t even say it. Don’t think it. You’ve got to listen to me, Dynah. There’s no way God would expect you to go on with this. No way!” He leaned back, taking his hands from her, his face stony. “No way, Dynah. I don’t believe that God expects it of us. I won’t.”
“I can’t go back there, Ethan. I just can’t.” She covered her face, shaking. “You don’t understand.” The physical examination she had suffered the night of the rape had been traumatic enough. She didn’t think she could stand to go through something worse. She knew what they would do to her body.
“I’ll go with you. It’ll be all right. I swear to you. I won’t let anything happen to you.”
She looked at him, wondering how he could say such a thing in the face of what he was suggesting.
“It won’t take long, and then it’ll all be over. We’ll put it behind us.”
She wrapped her arms around herself. He was in such a hurry to have it over and done with. Would it ever be over? “I’m not ready to do it.”
“What do you mean, you’re not ready?”
“I have to think about it.”
“Think about what? You’re not telling me you want it?”
Her breath caught softly at his accusation. “No, I don’t want it!” Couldn’t he even try to understand what she was going through? He was in such a hurry to make the decision for her, to make sure nothing interfered with his precious plans. Well, their plans had already been disrupted. Her life had been disrupted, shattered, blown to smithereens. And abortion was going to be the quick fix? For whom? The rape had been bad enough. The physical in the hospital had almost been worse. And now, she was supposed to submit to an abortion? A suction curettage. The doctor had said it the same way he might have said she needed a vaccination against some dread disease.
“I don’t want it.” None of it. Not the abortion. Not the child. Not the fear and heartache that were her constant companions since that cold January night.
“Then get rid of it. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to make the decision. The sooner it’s done, the sooner it’ll be over, and we can try to get things sorted out between us.”
What things? she wanted to ask, but she didn’t dare. She shook inside, wondering if he loved her anymore. “Joe said not to rush into anything.”
“Joe?” His head came up. “He knows you’re pregnant?”
She blushed. “I’d just come back from the hospital. I was sitting in my car and he—”
“You told him?”
“You weren’t due back until—”
“You told him before you told me?”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to, Ethan. I was just so upset.”
“But I don’t have the right to be, is that it?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Joe isn’t emotionally involved. He can play the cool head. He can have all the pat answers. He can tell you to wait and think about it.” His face darkened with anger. “What right has he got to say anything?”
“He was trying to help.”
“Yeah? Well, it’s none of his business. It doesn’t ruin his life.”
She could feel the blood draining from her face.
“Who does he think he is? He has no right to speak for me.”
“He didn’t say it to interfere, Ethan. All he said was I should think things through before I make any kind of decision.”
“Because he is against the whole idea of abortion, and you know it!”
“So were you before all this happened.”
“Maybe I have a little more compassion now,” he said, teeth gritted. “Look. You can’t go through with it. Do you want everyone knowing what happened to you?”
He said it with such vehemence . . . and she heard a hint of what lay behind it. She saw it in his eyes as well. She lowered hers, not wanting to see more. “Joe won’t say anything.”
“No, he won’t, but then he won’t have to if you don’t do something soon. Everybody’ll see for themselves and come to their own conclusions. And you know what those will be.”
She froze inside, seeing where his true concern lay. Was he worrying about her reputation or his own? Beyond hurt, anger stirred. “Then maybe we should tell the truth. Isn’t that always the best policy?”
He gave a bleak laugh, toying with his silverware. “People would still come up with their own conclusions. We’re engaged. With the world the way it is, you know what they’d think.”
So there it was, in the open. “Maybe we could blow up pictures from the police files and post them around campus. Then everyone would know you didn’t do a
nything wrong.”
His hand stopped shoving the fork around. “I don’t deserve that remark.”
“And I deserve what you’re suggesting?” Her eyes filled with hot tears. She slid along the seat, meaning to leave the booth, but he caught hold of her wrist.
“We have to settle this,” he said fiercely.
“You mean you want me to do what you’re telling me to do. Well, I’m going to take Joe’s advice and not rush into anything.”
“I know you’re scared, Dynah.”
“I wonder if you know anything. I wonder if you can even guess at what I feel. Let go of me.”
“No way. I’ve got to make you understand. It’ll get worse if you—”
“I didn’t say I wouldn’t do it, did I?”
“Keep your voice down,” he said, his eyes flickering.
“God forbid your reputation might be soiled.”
“I didn’t say that!”
“Didn’t you? Isn’t that what’s really worrying you?”
“You’re not being fair.”
“Fair? Has anything been fair? Is what I’m going through fair?” She glared at him through her tears. “I have a right to think about it. It’s my body, isn’t it? My life. We do live in a free country last I heard. I’m supposed to have a choice.” Jerking her wrist free, she slid from the booth.
Crossing the restaurant quickly, she stepped past a couple entering and went out the door. It was still light outside, the days lengthening now that spring had arrived. Spring with all its promises.
Broken promises.
Broken dreams.
She went into the Jewel-Osco supermarket half a block away, knowing Ethan wouldn’t look for her there. More likely, he would drive along the street heading back for NLC, thinking he could pick her up somewhere along the way. And he’d expect her to apologize for her emotional outburst.
Well, she wouldn’t apologize.
She didn’t want to talk to him anymore this evening. She had enough money in her purse that she could call a cab.
Wandering aimlessly through the aisles of canned goods, produce, dairy products, and meats, she tried to think through her situation. Truth was, she wanted out of it. She didn’t want to be pregnant. She didn’t want to face the months ahead with people staring and asking questions. She didn’t want her life in upheaval. She didn’t want the pain and grief and shame and ultimate sorrow.