IX
A LIKELY STORY
"If I'm any judge, _that's_ no exaggeration." Thus Mr. Staff after amoment's pause which he utilised to look Mr. Iff over with a criticaleye.
Mr. Iff wagged his head. "Believe _me_," said he simply.
Staff fetched a decanter of Scotch and a glass, placing them on thetable by Iff's elbow, then turned away to get a siphon of charged waterfrom the icebox. But by the time he was back a staggering amount ofwhiskey had disappeared from the decanter, a moist but empty glass stoodbeside it, and Mr. Iff was stroking smiling lips with his delicate,claw-like fingers. He discontinued this occupation long enough to wavethe siphon away.
"Not for me," he said tersely. "I've swallowed enough water this nightto last me for the rest of my life--half of the North River, more orless; rather more, if you ask me."
"What were you doing in the North River?"
"Swimming."
This answer was evidently so adequate in Mr. Iff's understanding that hemade no effort to elaborate upon it; so that presently, growingimpatient, Staff felt called upon to ask:
"Well? What were you swimming for?"
"Dear life," said Iff--"life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness: theincontestable birthright of every freeborn American citizen--if you mustknow."
He relapsed into a reverie which seemed hugely diverting from thereminiscent twinkle in the little man's eyes. From this he emerged longenough to remark: "That's prime whiskey, you know.... Thanks very much,I will." And again fell silent, stroking his lips.
"I don't want to seem to pry," said Staff at length, with elaborateirony; "but in view of the fact that you've felt warranted in calling onme via the fire-escape at one A.M., it doesn't seem unreasonable of meto expect some sort of an explanation."
"Oh, very well," returned Iff, with resignation. "What would you like toknow?"
"Why did you disappear this morning--?"
"Yesterday morning," Iff corrected dispassionately.
"--yesterday morning, and how?"
"Because the time seemed ripe for me to do my marvellous vanishingstunt. You see, I had a hunch that the dear captain would turn thingsover in his mind and finally determine not to accept my credentials attheir face value. So I kind of stuck round the wireless room with myears intelligently pricked forward. Sure enough, presently I heard themessage go out, asking what about me and how so."
"You mean you read the operator's sending by ear?"
"Sure; I've got a telegrapher's ear as long as a mule's.... Whereupon,knowing just about what sort of an answer 'd come through, I made up mymind to duck. And did."
"But how--?"
"That'd be telling, and telling would get somebody aboard theAutocratic into terrible bad trouble if it ever leaked out. I crawled inout of the weather--let it go at that. I wish," said Mr. Iff soulfully,"those damn' Pinkerton men had let it go at that. Once or twice I reallythought they had me, or would have me the next minute. And they wouldn'tgive up. That's why I had to take to the water, after dark. My friend,who shall be nameless, lent me the loan of a rope and I shinned downand had a nice little swim before I found a place to crawl ashore. Iassure you that the North River tastes like hell.... O thank you; don'tmind if I do."
"Then," said Staff, watching the little man help himself on his owninvitation--"Then you are Ismay!"
"Wrong again," said Iff drearily. "Honest, it's a real shame, the wayyou can't seem to win any bets at all."
"If you're not Ismay, what made you hide?"
"Ah!" cried Iff admiringly--"shrewd and pertinent question! Now I'lltell you, and you won't believe me. Because--now pay strictattention--because we're near-twins."
"Who are twins?" demanded Staff staring.
"Him and me--Ismay and I-double-F. First cousins we are: his mother wasmy aunt. Worse and more of it: our fathers were brothers. They marriedthe same day; Ismay and I were born in the same month. We look justenough alike to be mistaken for one another when we're not together.That's been a great help to him; he's made me more trouble than I'vetime to tell you. The last time, I was pinched in his place and escapeda penitentiary sentence by the narrowest kind of a shave. That got mymad up, and I served notice on him to quit his foolishness or I'd getafter him. He replied by cooking up a fine little scheme that almostlaid me by the heels again. So I declared war and 've been camping onhis trail ever since."
He paused and twiddled his thumbs, staring reflectively at the ceiling."I'm sure I don't know why I bore myself telling you all this. What'sthe use?"
"Never mind," said Staff in an encouraging manner; he was genuinelydiverted. "At worst it's a worthy and uplifting--ah--fiction. Go on....Then you're not a Secret Service man after all?"
"Nothing like that; I'm doing this thing on my own."
"How about that forged paper you showed the captain?"
"Wasn't forged--genuine."
"Chapter Two," observed Staff, leaning back. "It is a dark and stormynight; we are all seated about the camp-fire. The captain says:'Antonio, go to it.'"
"You are certainly one swell, appreciative audience," commented Iffmorosely. "Let's see if I can't get a laugh with this one: One of thebest little things my dear little cousin does being to pass himself offas me, he got himself hired by the Treasury Department some years agounder the name of William Howard Iff. That helped him a lot in hisparticular line of business. But after a while he felt that it crampedhis style, so he just faded noiselessly away--retaining his credentials.Then--while I was in Paris last week--he thought it would be a grandjoke to send me that document with his compliments and the suggestionthat it might be some help to me in my campaign for his scalp. That'show I happened to have it."
"That's going some," Staff admitted admiringly. "Tell me another one._If_ you're Iff and not Ismay, what brought you over on the Autocratic?"
"Business of keeping an eye on my dearly beloved cousin," said Iffpromptly.
"You mean Ismay was on board, too?"
"'Member that undergrown waster with the red-and-grey Vandyke and thehorn-rimmed _pince nez_, who was always mooning round with a book underhis arm?"
"Yes...."
"That was Cousin Arbuthnot disguised in his own hair."
"If that was so, why didn't you denounce him when you were accused ofstealing the Cadogan collar?"
"Because I knew he hadn't got away with it."
"How did you know?"
"At least I was pretty positive about it. You'll have to be patient--andintelligent--if you want to understand and follow me back to Paris. Thethree of us were there: Ismay, Miss Landis, myself. Miss Landis wasdickering with Cottier's for the necklace, Ismay sticking round and notlosing sight of her much of the time, I was looking after Ismay. MissLandis buys the collar and a ticket for London; Ismay buys a ticket forLondon; I trail. Then Miss Landis makes another purchase--a razor, in ashop near the hotel where I happen to be loafing."
"A razor!"
"That's the way it struck me, too.... Scene Two: Cockspur Street,London. I'm not sure what boat Miss Landis means to take; I've got anotion it's the Autocratic, but I'm stalling till I know. You drift intothe office, I recognise you and recall that you're pretty thick withMiss Landis. Nothing more natural than that you and she should go homeby the same steamer. Similarly--Ismay.... Oh, yes, I understand it waspure coincidence; but I took a chance and filled my hand. After we'dbooked and you'd strutted off, I lingered long enough to see Miss Landisdrive up in a taxi with a whaling big bandbox on top of the cab. Shebooked right under my nose; I made a note of the bandbox....
"Then you came aboard with the identical bandbox and your funny storyabout how you happened to have it. I smelt a rat: Miss Landis hadn'tsent you that bandbox anonymously for no purpose. Then oneafternoon--long toward six o'clock--I see Miss Landis's maid come out ondeck and jerk a little package overboard--package just about big enoughto hold a razor. That night I'm dragged up on the carpet before thecaptain; I hear a pretty fairy tale about the collar disappearing whileJane was taking th
e bandbox back to your steward. The handbag is on thetable, in plain sight; it isn't locked--a blind man can see that; andthe slit in its side has been made by a razor. I add up the bandbox andthe razor and multiply the sum by the fact that the average woman willsmuggle as quick as the average man will take a drink; and I'm JeremiahWise, Esquire."
"That's the best yet," Staff applauded. "But--see here--why didn't youtell what you knew, if you knew so much, when you were accused?"
Iff grimaced sourly. "Get ready to laugh. This is one you won't fallfor--not in a thousand years."
"Shoot," said Staff.
"I like you," said Iff simply. "You're foolish in the head sometimes,but in the main you mean well."
"That's nice of you--but what has it to do with my question?"
"Everything. You're sweet on the girl, and I don't wish to put a crimpin your young romance by showing her up in her true colours.Furthermore, you may be hep to her little scheme; I don't believe it,but I know that, if you are, you won't let me suffer for it. Andfinally, in the senility of my dotage I conned myself into believing Icould bluff it out; at the worst, I could prove my innocence easilyenough. But what I didn't take into consideration was that I was layingmyself open to arrest for impersonating an agent of the Government. WhenI woke up to that fact, the only thing I could see to do was to duck inout of the blizzard."
Staff said sententiously: "_Hmmm._..."
"Pretty thin--what?"
"In spots," Staff agreed. "Still, I've got to admit you've managed tocover the canvas, even if your supply of paint was a bit stingy. Onething still bothers me: how did you find out I knew about the smugglinggame?"
Iff nodded toward the bedroom. "I happened in--casually, as the sayingruns--just as Miss Landis was telling on herself."
Staff frowned.
"How," he pursued presently, "can I feel sure you're not Ismay, and,having guessed as accurately as you did, that you didn't get at thatbandbox aboard the ship and take the necklace?"
"If I were, and had, would I be here?"
"But I can't understand why you are here!"
"It's simple enough; I've any number of reasons for inviting myself tobe your guest. For one, I'm wet and cold and look like a drowned rat; Ican't offer myself to a hotel looking like this--can I? Then I knew youraddress--you'll remember telling me; and there's an adage that runs 'Anyport in a storm.' You're going to be good enough to get my moneychanged--I've nothing but English paper--and buy me a ready-made outfitin the morning. Moreover, I'm after Ismay, and Ismay's after thenecklace; wherever it is, he will be, soon or late. Naturally I presumedyou still had it--and so did he until within the hour."
"You mean you think it was Ismay who broke into these rooms tonight?"
"You saw him, didn't you? Man about my size, wasn't he? Evening clothes?That's his regulation uniform after dark. Beard and glasses--what?"
"I believe you're right!" Staff rose excitedly. "I didn't notice theglasses, but otherwise you've described him!"
"What did I tell you?" Iff helped himself to a cigarette. "By now thedirty dog's probably raising heaven and hell to find out where MissSearle has hidden herself."
Staff began to pace nervously to and fro. "I wish," he cried, "I knewwhere to find her!"
"Please," Iff begged earnestly, "don't let your sense of the obligationsof a host interfere with your amusements; but if you'll stop thatMarathon long enough to find me a blanket, I'll shed these rags and, byyour good leave, curl up cunningly on yon divan."
Staff paused, stared at the little man's bland and guileless face, andshook his head helplessly, laughing.
"There's no resisting your colossal gall," he said, passing into theadjoining room to get bed-clothing for his guest.
"I admit it," said Iff placidly.
As Staff returned, the telephone bell rang. In his surprise he pausedwith his arms full of sheets, blankets and pillows, and staredincredulously at his desk.
"What the deuce now?" he murmured.
"The quickest way to an answer to that," suggested Iff blandly, "isthere." He indicated the telephone with an ample gesture. "Helpyourself."
Dropping his burden on the divan, Staff seated himself at the desk andtook up the receiver.
"Hello?"
He started violently, recognising the voice that answered: "Mr. Staff?"
"Yes--"
"This is Miss Searle."
"I know," he stammered; "I--I knew your voice."
"Really?" The query was perfunctory. "Mr. Staff--I couldn't wait to tellyou--I've just got in from a theatre and supper party with somefriends."
"Yes," he said. "Where are you?"
Disregarding his question, the girl's voice continued quickly: "I wantedto see my hat and opened the bandbox. It wasn't my hat--it's the oneyou described--the one that--"
"I know," he interrupted; "I know all about that now."
"Yes," she went on hurriedly, unheeding his words. "I admired andexamined it. It--there's something else."
"I know," he said again; "the Cadogan collar."
"Oh!" There was an accent of surprise in her voice. "Well, I've ordereda taxi, and I'm going to bring it to you right away. The thing's toovaluable--"
"Miss Searle--"
"I'm afraid to keep it here. I wanted to find out if you were up--that'swhy I called."
"But, Miss Searle--"
"The taxi's waiting now. I'll be at your door in fifteen minutes."
"But--"
"Good-bye."
He heard the click as she hung up the receiver; and nothing more. Withan exclamation of annoyance he swung round from the desk.
"Somebody coming?" enquired Iff brightly.
Staff eyed him with overt distrust. "Yes," he said reluctantly.
"Miss Searle bringing the evanescent collar, eh?"
Staff nodded curtly.
"Plagued nuisance," commented Iff. "And me wanting to go to sleep theworst I ever did."
"Don't let this keep you up," said Staff.
"But," Iff remonstrated, "you can't receive a lady in here with measleep on your divan."
"I don't intend to," Staff told him bluntly. "I'm going to meet the taxiat the door, get into it with her, and take that infernal necklacedirectly to Miss Landis, at her hotel."
"The more I see of you," said Mr. Iff, removing his coat, "the morequalities I discover in you to excite my admiration and liking. As inthis instance when with thoughtfulness for my comfort"--he tore from hisneck the water-soaked rag that had been his collar--"you combine aprudent, not to say sagacious foresight, whereby you plan to place theCadogan collar far beyond my reach in event I should turn out to be agay deceiver."
By way of response, Staff found his hat and placed it handily on thetable, went to his desk and took from one of its drawers a smallrevolver of efficient aspect, unloaded and reloaded it to satisfyhimself it was in good working order--and of a sudden looked roundsuspiciously at Mr. Iff.
The latter, divested of his clothing and swathed in a dressing-gownseveral sizes too large for him, fulfilled his host's expectations bylaughing openly at these warlike preparations.
"I infer," he said, "that you wouldn't be surprised to meet up withCousin Arbuthnot before sunrise."
"I'm taking no chances," Staff announced with dignity.
"Well, if you should meet him, and if you mean what you act like, _and_if that gun's any good, _and_ if you know how to use it," yawned Mr.Iff, "you'll do me a favour and save me a heap of trouble into thebargain. _Good_ night."
He yawned again in a most business-like way, lay down, pulled a blanketup round his ears, turned his back to the light and was presentlybreathing with the sweet and steady regularity of a perfectly sound andsincere sleeper.
To make his rest the more comfortable, Staff turned off all the lightssave that on his desk. Then he filled a pipe and sat down to envy thelittle man. The very name of sleep was music in his hearing, just then.
The minutes lagged on leaden wings. There was a great hush in the oldho
use, and the street itself was quiet. Once or twice Staff caughthimself nodding; then he would straighten up, steel his will and spurhis senses to attention, waiting, listening, straining to catch thesound of an approaching taxi. He seemed to hear every imaginable nightnoise but that: the crash and whine of trolleys, the footsteps of ascattered handful of belated pedestrians, the infrequent windy roar oftrains on the Third Avenue L, empty clapping of horses' hoofs on theasphalt ... the yowl of a sentimental tomcat ... a dull and distantgrumble, vague, formless, like a long, unending roll of thunder down thehorizon ... the swish and sough of waters breaking away from the flanksof the Autocratic ... and then, finally, like a tocsin, the sonorous,musical chiming of the grandfather's clock in the corner.
He found himself on his feet, rubbing his eyes, with a mouth dry aspaper, a thumping heart, and a vague sense of emptiness in his middle.
Had he napped--slept? How long?... He stared, bewildered, gropingblindly after his wandering wits....
The windows, that had been black oblongs in the illuminated walls, werefilled with a cool and shapeless tone of grey. He reeled (rather thanwalked) to one of them and looked out.
The street below was vacant, desolate and uncannily silent, showing aharsh, unlovely countenance like the jaded mask of some sodden reveller,with bleary street-lamps for eyes--all mean and garish in the chillydusk that foreruns dawn.
Hastily Staff consulted his watch.
Four o'clock!
It occurred to him that the watch needed winding, and he stood forseveral seconds twisting the stem-crown between thumb and forefingerwhile stupidly comprehending the fact that he must have been asleepbetween two and three hours.
Abruptly, in a fit of witless agitation, he crossed to the divan, caughtthe sleeper by the shoulder and shook him till he wakened--till herolled over on his back, grunted and opened one eye.
"Look here!" said Staff in a quaver--"I've been asleep!"
"You've got nothing on me, then," retorted Iff with pardonable asperity."All the same--congratulations. Good _night_."
He attempted to turn over again, but was restrained by Staff'simperative hand.
"It's four o'clock, and after!"
"I admit it. You might be good enough to leave a call for me foreleven."
"But--damn it, man!--that cab hasn't come--"
"I can't help that, can I?"
"I'm afraid something has happened to that girl."
"Well, it's too late to prevent it now--if so."
"Good God! Have you no heart, man?" Staff began to stride distractedlyup and down the room. "What am I to do?" he groaned aloud.
"Take unkie's advice and go bye-bye," suggested Iff. "Otherwise I'd beobliged if you'd rehearse that turn in the other room. I'm going tosleep if I have to brain you to get quiet."
Staff stopped as if somebody had slapped him: the telephone bell wasringing again.
He flung himself across the room, dropped heavily into the chair andsnatched up the receiver.
A man's voice stammered drowsily his number.
"Yes," he almost shouted. "Yes--Mr. Staff at the 'phone. Who wants me?"
"Hold the wire."
He heard a buzzing, a click; then silence; a prolonged _brrrrp_ andanother click.
"Hello?" he called. "Hello?"
His heart jumped: the voice was Miss Searle's.
"Mr. Staff?"
It seemed to him that he could detect a tremor in her accents, as if shewere both weary and frightened.
"Yes, Miss Searle. What is it?"
"I wanted to reassure you--I've had a terrible experience, but I'm allright now--safe. I started--"
Her voice ceased to vibrate over the wires as suddenly as if those samewires had been cut.
"Yes?" he cried after an instant. "Yes, Miss Searle? Hello, hello!"
There was no answer. Listening with every faculty at high tension, hefancied that he detected a faint, abrupt sound, like a muffled sob. Onthe heels of it came a click and the connection was broken.
In his anxiety and consternation he swore violently.
"Well, what's the trouble?"
Iff stood at his side, now wide-awake and quick with interest. HastilyStaff explained what had happened.
"Yes," nodded the little man. "Yes, that'd be the way of it. She hadtrouble, but managed to get to the telephone; then somebody grabbedher--"
"Somebody! Who?" Staff demanded unreasonably.
"I don't really know--honest Injun! But there's a smell of garlic aboutit, just the same."
"Smell of garlic! Are you mad?"
"Tush!" said Mr. Iff contemptuously. "I referred poetically to the fineItalian hand of Cousin Arbuthnot Ismay. Now if I were you, I'd agitatethat hook until Central answers, and then ask for the manager and see ifhe can trace that call back to its source. It oughtn't to be difficultat this hour, when the telephone service is at its slackest."
He fancied that he detected a faint, abrupt sound, like amuffled sob
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