“What is this?” I asked, holding it away from me and inspecting it.
“A dress,” Sarah said with a half-smile as she looked back at me. She herself held something similar, but in a red color.
“A dress?” I questioned as I held the folds up, looking through what must have been the top of it. “It looks more like a small tent.”
Sarah chuckled. “Here, let me help you.”
Despite my protests, Sarah soon had me undressed and into the light green dress. I felt half-naked. While it was long enough to cover even my ankles, the thin straps at the top of it felt like they would barely hold the dress on my frame. The front of it plunged far lower than felt appropriate, exposing what even I felt embarrassed to see.
“This is ridiculous,” I said again as Sarah worked on my hair, twisting and pulling at it. But despite my protests, a small smile played on the edge of my lips.
“It’s part of being human, of being a woman. Or at least it used to be. We’re all clinging to anything we can. Trying not to forget what it used to be like.”
We were quiet for a while as her fingers continued their swift work. I wondered if the fact that it had never been a part of my existence had crossed Sarah’s mind.
“You have a birthmark on the back of your head,” she said quietly, her fingers rubbing at a place on the back of my scalp. “Did you know that?”
I shook my head, not really thinking about what she was saying.
“Avian’s been strange lately,” I said, recalling the cold way he had left earlier. “He’s been avoiding me.”
Sarah paused for a moment. She gave the slightest of sighs before resuming. “He saw you and West the other night. He saw your shadows through the tent.”
“He was watching?”
“He went to talk to you, to make sure you were alright. He was worried because you hadn’t come out all day,” her voice grew quiet, sad. “That’s when he saw you and West kissing.”
A knot formed in my chest. I wanted to explain, to talk to Avian. But what was there to say? West had kissed me, but I had kissed him back. More than that, I had liked it. I had felt something.
But why did I feel so guilty?
“You deserve to be happy, Eve,” Sarah said with another sigh, her hands falling into her lap. “As much as anyone else here, maybe more after all you’ve been through and done for us. But just be careful. He has feelings for you, even if he won’t be obvious about them.”
My stomach felt empty, but not in the way of being hungry. That hollow feeling was pulling at me again.
I closed my eyes and hugged my arms into my chest. Life was getting too complicated.
“You’ve got feelings for both of them,” Sarah said softly. Even though I wasn’t looking at her I detected the small smile that was in the corner of her lips. “Love’s a complex emotion, isn’t it?”
“Love?” I said, my brow furrowing as I looked up at her. “There is no place for love in this world anymore. The luxury of love died with the rest of the world.”
“If love dies, that’s when we’ve all truly died. That’s when the Bane will have won.”
I didn’t know what to say for a while, contemplating everything she had said.
“Thank you, Sarah,” I said with a half-smile, trying to distract myself. “For all of this,” I said as I indicated the hair and the dress.
“You look beautiful,” Sarah said with a smile. “Now come on, let’s go!”
We went back to the party and sat down at the table, surrounded by Morgan, Eli, Bill, and Wix. Piles of food had been placed on the table, a good chunk of our left over stores from the previous fall’s harvest were put out. The elk I had killed earlier had been prepared in every way I could think possible. Gabriel sat at the head of the long table, his wife Leah next to him. I had never seen him look so happy. He deserved it.
I glanced down the table as I ate. Avian sat near Gabriel. He still wouldn’t look at me. West was seated at the middle of the table, next to Graye. He on the other hand kept glancing down at me, the barest hint of a smile ever present on his face. The smile of a secret.
“I’d like to make a toast,” Avian said halfway through the meal, standing up and holding his glass. “To Gabriel. To the man who has always kept us safe. The man who has willingly led us, for not having to be asked to do so. To the man who has built this place we call home. To Gabriel.”
“To Gabriel,” we echoed.
As the meal came to a close, an unfamiliar sound came from the head of the table. Wix and a few other people stood in a semi-circle, holding a mixture of instruments.
“What are those?” I asked Sarah as I observed them.
“Teresa is playing a guitar,” Sarah said quietly to me. “Thereon is playing a drum. And Wix is playing his violin. He was something of a child protégé when he was young, before the Evolution. He got to play at all these world-class venues and with famous symphonies.”
I watched them as they played. The sounds were beautiful, but so foreign and strange to me. I knew nothing of music but something told me these instruments were not normally played together. Still, it was the most beautiful thing I had heard.
When everyone was finished eating, the tables were cleared away and a bonfire was built in the middle of the clearing. People started dancing to the music.
I stood to the side along the tree line, watching how they moved. At first it had looked so strange, silly. But as I observed the way they moved in time with the music I understood why they did it. There was something about the music that spoke to a place inside of me. Dancing was a way to let the body and the music combine.
“You look beautiful tonight,” a voice said from behind me. I turned to see Gabriel come to my side.
“Thank you,” I said as my eyes dropped to my bare feet. “I feel so exposed.”
Gabriel chuckled, his lips disappearing into the mass of his beard as they pressed together. “Not exactly what you’re used to.”
“I’ve never worn a dress before.”
“It’s good for you. A reminder of what you really are.” When I didn’t say anything in response Gabriel filled it in. “Human.”
“Thank you, Gabriel,” I said quietly as I looked back down at my feet. “Happy birthday.”
He sighed but smiled. “I feel so old.”
“That’s a good thing,” I reminded him. “Not too many get to feel old anymore.”
Footsteps approached us and we both looked up to see West. He joined us, his hands stuffed in his pockets.
“Happy birthday, Gabriel,” he said.
“Thank you. Well, I’d better get back to my party,” Gabriel said with a grin that got lost in his beard again. He winked at me once and then wandered back into the crowd.
West and I stood there for a few moments, staring at the scene before us. The fire, the people dressed up, the music, and the laughter. It was almost as if the Evolution had never happened.
But in that case, we would probably be inside a building, not under the stars. There would be a heater warming the room, not a billowing fire that licked out at the night air.
I think I preferred it this way.
“You look beautiful,” West finally broke the silence.
“Thank you,” I said, feeling heat rush to my cheeks, both from his compliment and from the way our shoulders brushed. West slipped his hand out of his pocket and his fingers intertwined with mine. For a fraction of a second, the world died black. And then it was all back.
“Would you dance with me, Eve?” he said quietly as we both continued to watch the people move before us. I blinked once, my vision back to normal.
I shook my head. “I don’t know how. I’ll look ridiculous.”
He took a step toward the woods, pulling me behind him.
We didn’t go far, just through the trees enough that no one would see us. There was an old trailer rusting away at the water’s edge that we stepped around. I was careful not to snag Sarah’s dress on it. We stopped where
the trees met the water’s sandy edge.
“No one has to see you dance,” he said quietly as we stood face to face. I could still faintly hear the music coming through the trees. West took one of my hands in his, wrapping his other hand around my waist. I placed my other hand on his shoulder since that seemed like the right place to put it. West pulled me closer and I let my head settle on his chest as we just rocked side to side in a small circle.
The sound of West’s heart beating matched the slow rhythm of the music.
“So have you thought about what I said?” he asked quietly into my ear, his cheek resting on the top of my head. “I know you feel things. You’ve evolved past the blockers, I know it.”
“I’ve never felt things like this before. It’s overwhelming,” I said quietly into the soft cloth of his shirt.
“Is it bad though?”
I considered that for half a moment and then shook my head. “No,” I whispered. I didn’t tell him how it terrified me more than anything else had terrified me though. I’d been through a lot in my life and developing feelings was the scariest thing I had ever faced.
West slowed to a stop and brought his hand to my chin. Slowly he tipped my face up to his, his eyes staring down at mine with intensity. In that moment, I thought I almost remembered them looking at me through a window, younger and more innocent.
Almost.
“I’m glad you don’t remember,” he said in a low voice, his eyes turning darker. “Even if that means you don’t remember me.”
He tipped his head down and his lips met mine, brushing them so softly they tingled with anticipation as if they’d never touched at all.
“What was that?” I hissed as I whipped my head toward the tree line. I stepped away from West and into a stance ready to spring. My ears strained, listening for the sound of a branch breaking again. I smelled at the air, searching for signs of life that shouldn’t be there.
I took a few steps into the trees, West following quietly behind me. “I didn’t hear anything besides the party.”
“Shh,” I hissed at him, my eyes straining to see through the dark. A figure stepped back into the clearing at the same time someone else stepped toward us.
“Eve?” Sarah’s voice called through the dark. “Is that you?”
I sighed as I glanced back at West who had a very annoying smile on his face.
“A little paranoid?” he said quietly.
“Shut up,” I said as I rolled my eyes and walked toward Sarah.
“Eve!” Sarah called excitedly as she saw me walking through the trees. “The guys are setting up a knife throwing contest. The prize is Terrif’s old hunting blade. They were all hoping you’d stay gone so they’d have a chance at winning.”
I stepped back into the clearing and saw the target set up across from where everyone was gathered. As soon as Bill and Graye saw me they groaned and threw up their hands in surrender.
“Come on, Sarah!” Graye moaned. “Why’d you have to go and tell her? We might as well not play!”
“Settle down, boys,” I said with a smile as I shook my head. “Go ahead. I’ll just watch.”
Cheers erupted and the energy turned to teasing Wix for taking up a blade to enter. He kept up with the banter though, pretending to be the toughest of them all.
“I’ll be back in a minute,” West whispered into my ear. He then started walking in the direction of his tent.
Sarah caught my eye, flashing a knowing smile.
It was pretty comical, watching Wix try and keep up with our best scouts in Eden. I had to respect him for trying though. The kid wouldn’t be bullied.
I looked up from my place by the food tent and searched for Sarah. I found her talking to Morgan. Her skin was covered in a glaze of sweat, flushed in a not-good way. She glanced over at me and as she did I felt my insides hollow out. Her eyes were suddenly glazed-over, her face blank. I bolted up from my seat and was across the clearing in five bounding steps. I caught her just as she collapsed.
Sarah’s right arm flailed wildly as I carefully lowered her to the ground. Her eyes stared blankly up at the night sky, her body thrashing violently.
Everyone had been told of Sarah’s newfound condition. It had been necessary should she be with someone and have a seizure, they needed to know how to help her. But everyone still gathered around her, watching in horror and sadness.
“Where’s Avian?” I asked to no one in particular as Sarah’s arm batted against my right shoulder.
“He went back to his tent a while ago,” Morgan said as she crouched down next to us, Sarah’s form starting to still.
“Stay with her,” I instructed. Morgan sat next to me and pulled Sarah’s head into her lap. “I’ll go get him.”
I jogged towards Avian’s tent with silent feet. A sense of dread filled me as I approached. I pulled the flap back, finding him reading on his cot.
His eyes met mine, and for a second I forgot my reason for being there. The look in his eyes screamed pain. I’d never seen that look on Avian’s face before, and now that it was directed at me I never wanted to see it again.
“Sarah had another seizure,” I finally said, my voice almost too quiet.
He marked his place in the book and rose to his feet. He couldn’t even look at me as he walked out of the tent without saying a word.
I took a few steps away from his tent before stopping to watch him walk away, back toward the clearing.
“Hey.” West’s voice surprised me from the side. His hand slipped into mine. “You want to go back to the party?”
I took a quick step away, slipping out of his hand. “I think I’m going to go to bed now,” I said. I didn’t even glance back as I walked swiftly toward my tent.
I wanted to turn everything inside of me off.
Not feeling was easier.
FOURTEEN
I deposited my pack in my tent, always a nearly painful thing to do, and made my way to the east side of the lake. The trees hung over the water in this section, providing a lot of privacy. I slipped out of my sticky clothes, washed them quickly, then hung them out to dry. Summer had finally arrived in full force. I jumped in the water, the cool water hitting my skin with a sharp slap. I gave a sigh as my head surfaced, pushing my hair out of my face. The sun was nearly blinding as it danced on the surface of the water.
I set out for the west side of the lake.
It took everything I had in me to not think about everything. To not think about West, to not think about Avian, not think about Sarah’s illness or the truth about what I really was. But my stomach turned to knots every time I thought about any of it.
I reached the western shore of the lake and turned back.
I was nearly back to where my clothes hung to dry when I felt something splash against me, waves not created by my strokes. I pulled up short, my head popping out of the water at the same time Avian’s did.
“Avian!” I gasped as my hands automatically clamped around my chest. “What are you doing here?!”
“Swimming!” he said in a shocked tone. “What are you doing here?”
“Swimming!” I answered, turning my back to him. The water was dark because of the shadowing of the trees, for which I was immensely grateful. But we were still nearly ten yards away from the shore. I noticed Avian’s clothes hanging about twenty feet away from mine, dripping wet, just as mine were.
“Well, turn around,” I commanded as I started swimming for the shore again. Avian did as I asked.
I debated what to pull on. Everything was still soaking. My cheeks flushed as I pulled on only my underthings. It was uncomfortable wearing wet clothes with the temperatures so warm. I turned my back as Avian came to shore and pulled on his pants.
We stood there, both unsure of what to say, not quite looking at each other. There was so much tension rolling off of Avian. I hated the way it made me feel inside.
“I don’t want things to be like this between us,” I finally said, looking up into his face. “
I can’t stand this. You mean more to me than anyone here in Eden.”
“Don’t say something you don’t mean,” he said, his voice tight.
I took a few steps toward him, stopping just a foot away from him. “What is that supposed to mean?”
Avian finally looked into my eyes, his blue ones filled with emotions I was starting to understand. “You mean everything to me, Eve. I know I haven’t exactly come right out and said it yet, but you do. But if you have feelings for West, I…” he trailed off as his eyes again fell to the rough sand underneath our feet.
I bit my lower lip, my own eyes falling from his face. They settled onto the two birds tattooed on his chest. “Something is happening to me, Avian. There is something inside of me that is waking up and I don’t know how to handle it. I’m feeling things I’ve never felt before. Things I don’t understand. I’m terrified, Avian.”
His eyes met mine again, soft and sad looking at the same time. I wanted him to do something, to say something. Avian always had the answers for me, always sorted things out when I couldn’t understand. “Is…” his voice faded as he tried to make himself vocalize what was on his mind. “Is there any way you could someday feel the same way that I feel about you?”
I held his eyes for a long time, not answering. Something inside of me felt like it grew, making my heart beat erratically.
It suddenly seemed like I was looking at a whole new Avian.
Everything instantly changed between us.
“Yes,” I said.
A small smile spread on his face. But it didn’t reach his eyes and there was pain in it. He closed his eyes for a moment. “Then you need to realize that you can’t have both, Eve. It just doesn’t work that way.”
I felt like I was going to get swallowed up by myself again. Something inside of me reached out to Avian, wanting to pull him closer and never have to let go.
He reached up, taking in his hand the stone wings he had carved, his eyes studying its surface. “No matter what you choose, I’ll still be here. Just don’t expect me to not get hurt.”
My lips were against his before I even allowed myself to consider what I was doing. My arms wrapped behind his neck at the same time that his wrapped around my waist. My insides surged in ways I didn’t understand, and a feeling of what I could describe as nothing other than belonging settled into every corner of my being. Everything about his scent, his body, his presence brought on a flood of memories, sizzling with newness and anticipation.