Arianna lived on the other side of a graveyard behind the school. While Arianna chatted with Julian in the front seat, I watched the tombstones passing by the window. Before I could stop the thought, I wondered if Hunter was sleeping in the earth right as that very moment. Was he covered up like a grave, or had he found a home to wait out the day? I felt like I would never know the answer to that question. And it was only one of many things I’d never know the answer to.
Julian got out of the car and walked Arianna to her front door. It was so sweet it made my jaw ache. I shifted around to the front seat while the lovebirds smooched on her porch. Believing they’d never separate without assistance, I tapped the horn. When Julian looked back at me, I told him, “I only have so much time, Julie.”
He heard me loud and clear through the windshield, and reluctantly said goodbye to Arianna. She lifted her hand to me in a wave as Julian jogged back to the driver’s side. Sensing his sadness, I told him, “Cheer up. You know you’re going to call her the minute you get home, and now, because of me, you have more time to talk to her.” He smirked at me, but his mood lifted as we left Arianna’s driveway.
From there, Julian drove me to Salt Lake City Public Library. Besides Arianna’s house, Trey’s house, and our house, the library was the only other place we could drive to without special permission. And besides the ranch, the library was my favorite spot in all the world. It was also the most painful spot in all the world. It was where Hunter and I had first officially met. It was where he had died.
As Julian drove, both hands studiously holding the wheel at ten and two, I contemplated why I kept going back. In the end, I think it was plain pig-headedness that made me return. I’d loved this place before Hunter had entered my life, and I didn’t want my ex to taint something I loved. And maybe if I kept coming back, it would hurt a little less each time. That hadn’t happened yet, but I was hopeful.
“You okay?” Julian asked.
“Yeah,” I murmured.
The feeling always passed…eventually. Julian knew that, so he didn’t question my answer. Instead, he said, “I’m glad you’re going to go to prom. I think you’ll have fun, even with everything…” He sighed and stopped talking, guilt filling him.
Forcing a smile, I told him, “It will be fun hanging out with you guys.”
He grinned, then bit his lip as nerves cropped up inside him. “So…I’m going to ask Arianna to go out with me at prom. Like, officially go out with me. It’s been a few months now, and I think she’ll say yes. God, I hope she says yes…”
I wasn’t too surprised by his comment; I figured they were heading that way, but I was a little surprised by the fear and anxiety he was feeling; he was genuinely worried that she’d turn him down. And if she did…would they still date? Sending encouraging feelings his way, I told him, “She’s crazy about you. I think she’ll say yes, too.”
He looked over at me with a dopey smile on his face. “You think so?”
I Indicated the road, so he’d look where he was supposed to. “Yeah…I do.” I hoped. If they stopped dating, Halina would wipe Arianna’s mind. She wouldn’t remember what we were, and I’d have to lie to her again. And I really liked being open and honest with her, even if it was painful sometimes.
Julian’s mood shifted once again, from hope to discomfort. Twisting in the seat to face him, I studied my suddenly uncomfortable brother. “What?” I asked, not sure if I wanted to know the answer.
Reluctance oozed from him in waves that made my skin pebble. He let out a weary sigh, then embarrassment flooded him. I furrowed my brow in confusion. Sometimes it would be a lot easier if our emotions had maps we could follow.
“Ah,” he began, “It’s just…if Arianna says yes, and we start getting serious…you and I…well, we should talk about…”
His emotions twisted from embarrassment to mortification, like he wanted to crawl inside a very deep hole. But there was an edge of determination about him too. Whatever it was he wanted to say, he really wanted to say it. His courage slowly built up, but it was laced with dread, and he was nervous when he pulled the car over in front of the library.
Concerned for my brother, I told him, “Just tell me whatever it is you’re dying to tell me…because your anxiety is giving me heartburn.”
A small, nervous laugh escaped him. “Sorry, this is just…weird to talk about…especially with you.”
I started to say, “What is?” when I suddenly understood what he might be so nervous about. “You’re thinking about having sex with her.”
Julian sank his head to the steering wheel, and I knew without a doubt I was right. His emotions tumbled from horror to embarrassment to excitement to fear. He wanted this, but he was nervous about it. And now I was too. Julian couldn’t experience sex without me experiencing sex, emotionally at least. That wasn’t something I wanted to feel. Ever.
“Julian, you can’t. You guys are…too young.”
Julian peeked up at me, and a flash of amusement washed through him. “Really? That’s the objection you’re going with?”
My gut churned, and now I was the one letting out a nervous laugh. “No, not really, it’s just…I don’t want to feel that. Feeling you make out with her is bad enough.”
Julian sighed and twisted to face me. “I know, and I don’t want you to feel it either.” He cringed, and the look on his face matched the feeling in my stomach. “I’m not saying it’s happening now, but maybe in a couple of months? Or maybe in several months, I don’t know. But I think…I think I’m falling in love with her, Nick, and I want to…one day…” With a sigh, he looked down. “It’s just something we need to talk about, that’s all.”
Panic filled me—this might be happening much sooner than I’d expected. “Are you sure you’ll be ready in a few months? Why don’t you wait a year or two? Or ten?”
Julian smiled at me, his embarrassment easing now that the topic had been broached. “Not ten, Nick. Maybe one, but definitely not ten.”
Closing my eyes, I nodded. Asking Julian and Arianna to wait a decade wasn’t reasonable, I knew that, but I wasn’t ready. I didn’t think I’d ever be ready. With a sigh, I opened my door and got out of the car. Julian waved goodbye, then sped off toward home so he could talk to his soon-to-be girlfriend. And soon-to-be lover. How were we going to get through this?
Putting aside the question I didn’t have an answer for, I turned and trudged toward the library. It truly was a spectacular building, a sight that every person visiting town should make a point of seeing. Fountains and parks ringed the building while a curving path sloped up to a garden on the roof. The library itself was a stunning mix of glass and mortar, allowing for plenty of natural light. Hunter and I had spent countless hours talking and holding hands while we sat at a table near the wall of windows that overlooked the city. It had been idyllic. I loved it, I hated it.
As I did most times I came here, I went to the self-help section and found the book on abandonment that Hunter had first introduced me to. I’d never checked it out again, but I read it whenever it was here. I must have read the book about a dozen times by now. I could probably recite it word for word. In an odd way, it was helpful, therapeutic. Hunter hadn’t abandoned me, but the feeling of loss was similar. Or maybe he had abandoned me. It was hard to say.
Just as I was reading about how to be comfortable with being alone, something I could never truly experience, since I was never truly alone, I felt my mother and father approaching. With a sigh, I returned the book and left my sanctuary. Voices, rustles, and whispers hit my ear as I emerged from the quiet of the library. Once outside, the sound of splashing water joined the cacophony of noise. Looking past a flowing staircase of water, I saw my dad’s Prius. Mom waved at me out the window, and I gave the library one last glance before heading toward them.
So many memories resided here; it always took me a minute or two to disengage from them. I didn’t speak much as we left, but my parents were used to that by now. I think this pl
ace was hard for them to be at too. They’d almost watched their children get killed here. That had to hurt. Once we were clear of the plaza, Dad picked up Mom’s hand and kissed the back of it. She gave him a soft smile, then looked back at me. “Everything okay today?”
Her question was all encompassing, open to any sort of problem I might be struggling with. Not wanting to talk about my past, I instead focused on my future. “Yes, no…I don’t know.”
Dad’s eyes focused on mine in the rearview mirror. “What do you mean? What happened?”
An edge of worry laced his voice and I made myself smile; I didn’t want him to worry about me anymore. I was perfectly fine. Well, perfectly safe anyway. “Arianna talked me into going to the prom with Trey.”
Both Mom and Dad relaxed. Dad kissed Mom’s hand again, as she told me, “I think that’s great. It will be nice for you to go out and have some fun with your friends.”
I nodded as I imagined how the night might go. “Yeah, I think so too.” Resting my head against the window, I watched the world flash by. At least it would be fun to go dancing with everyone. And not a whole lot in my life had been fun recently.
Once we got home, I headed upstairs to put my bag on my bed. Julian was on the phone with Arianna. He was pacing his room as he talked, his face and mood joyous. They were discussing the dance, but I did my best not to listen. Downstairs, Mom and Dad were starting to make pizza from scratch. I was on my way to join them when Julian suddenly told Arianna, “Hey, can I call you back in a minute? Nika just got home, and I want to talk to her.”
I locked eyes with Julian, and, after saying goodbye, he tossed the phone on his pristine bed. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he walked through our shared bathroom and into my bedroom. “Hey,” he said, his mood content, but concerned.
Julian’s eyes drifted to the floor, to where our parents were jokingly telling each other that they should hide some veggies in the pizza crust so we’d eat more. “About what we talked about earlier…are you okay?”
Forcing back the embarrassment, I told him, “Yeah…I’m fine.” And I was fine, or I would be at any rate. Julian and Arianna were my best friends, and there was no way I’d selfishly stand in the way of their happiness. If this was what they both wanted…then when the time came, I’d deal with it.
Julian’s smile was soft and hopeful. “Yeah?”
Walking over to him, I smiled. “Yeah. This won’t be easy for us…but we’ll figure it out. Together.”
“Thank you,” he said, searching my face. “I know you’re not excited about all this, but I am, so…thank you.”
Letting out a morbid laugh, I told him, “Just keep in mind that when it does happen, you’ll owe me big time.”
Running his hand down his face, he shook his head. “Oh, I know. Believe me, I know.” He peeked up at me. “And I know I’ll have to return the favor one day, when you’re ready. And we’ll get through that too. Together.”
I nodded, swallowed, and looked away. Julian had nothing to worry about there. The day when I was ready to have sex with someone wasn’t happening for me. Not for a really long time.
I’D DONE IT. I’d started the hard, awkward conversation with my sister—the dreaded sex talk. Usually, that was a parent/child thing, but with the emotional bond Nika and I shared, discussing it beforehand was vital. And embarrassing. But it needed to happen, because soon, I was going to ask Arianna to be mine. Officially. And after that...
I knew Nika wasn’t ready for Arianna and me to take the next steps in our relationship, but I sure was. We’d been dating for about four months now. Four wonderful, blissful months. And every day that went by, I felt so much closer to her. We laughed, talked, opened up to each other in ways I’d never done with a girl outside my family. I felt like Arianna got me. I felt whole around her. Complete.
Being with her made every feeling I’d once felt for Raquel seem two-dimensional in comparison. My infatuation with my former crush had never gone as deep as my feelings for Arianna; I’d barely scratched the surface with Raquel. But Arianna… Like I’d told Nika, I was steadfastly falling in love with her, more so every moment I was around her, or thinking about her, or wondering if she was thinking about me. It was an incredible feeling, one I wanted to expand on, when the time was right. And I couldn’t wait for it to be right. But for now, I was satisfied with asking her to be my girl. At prom. It was going to be perfect.
As I hopped out of bed, I thought about different ways I might ask Arianna to be mine at the dance. During her favorite song? With flowers? Inside a piece of chocolate? Everything seemed hokey, but I wanted to do something hokey for her. Something she’d love, something she’d always remember. I wanted every moment with her to be special. Maybe I could ask Nika for advice. From the lack of emotions coming from her room, I could tell she was still sleeping; that was really the only time we were unaware of each other. I felt guilty asking Nika about much of anything lately though. And talking about Arianna with her was hard, and not just because of the sex stuff. I just felt…bad, like I was doing something wrong by being in a good mood. Like I was reminding her of everything she’d lost with Hunter.
I didn’t want to feel bad, and I didn’t want Nika to feel bad. I just wanted everyone to be happy, but right now, that wasn’t possible.
With a sigh, I stepped into the bathroom and turned on the shower. The water was colder than expected, and I immediately turned up the temperature. I hated being cold. That was the one thing from my childhood abduction that I really remembered…being cold. And alone. In a tight space. I hated all three of those things now. I hadn’t had a panic attack since Arianna and I had started dating. She grounded me, gave me strength. And the ordeal we’d gone through with Hunter and his dad had given me strength. I’d definitely been tested during the battle, and I’d come out of it stronger, surer of myself. And with a potential girlfriend who I didn’t have to hide anything from, who I…loved. If Nika were happier, and Hunter’s father wasn’t still out there somewhere, hating all of us, I’d say life was kind of…perfect.
After my shower, I dressed and headed downstairs to get some breakfast. Nika was awake now, and melancholy blanketed her as she ambled around her room. As I walked, I contemplated if my sister would ever be like she’d been at the beginning of the year. Sure, she was a lot better now than she’d been immediately after Hunter had…said goodbye to her…but she still wasn’t the Nika I knew her to be. She was darker, not as hopeful. It saddened me that she was different now, but I understood her pain, her sorrow. I was trying to be supportive and help her through it, but sometimes that was difficult, sometimes I lost my patience. I regretted it whenever I did; Nika needed me.
Mom and Dad were in the kitchen when I got there. Dad was dressed for work in a blue button-up and khaki slacks, and was pouring blood from a steaming carafe into two mugs. “Good morning, Julian. Want some?” He lifted an eyebrow to top off his question.
I eagerly nodded. There was nothing quite like a little plasma jolt to start the day off right. Dad poured me a small glass while Mom came up to my side. Wrapping a cool arm around me, she asked, “Are you excited about the dance next weekend?”
Trying to play it cool, I shrugged. “Yeah, it should be fun.” Possibly life changing. I hoped Arianna said yes. It was entirely possible that she might not believe I was over Raquel, that she might turn me down. God, I didn’t even want to think about that outcome.
Dad handed me my glass of blood and glanced up at Mom. Some secret conversation passed between them as I took a sip. My fangs automatically released as the tangy refreshment hit my tongue. So good. Dad handed Mom her mug, then turned back to me. “About the dance…I think you should know…your mom and I are going to chaperone.”
Setting down my glass, I gaped at them. “You can’t go to the dance. You’re not technically our parents.”
Dad nodded. “We know. That’s why we had Starla clear it with the PTA. They were short volunteers, so we’re helping out.”
/> Confused, I could only stare at them. “Why would you want to chaperone a high school dance?”
Mom gave me a care-free smile. “What? It will be fun. We’ll get to watch you and Nika clowning around with your friends, listen to some music.” She peeked up at Dad. “Maybe dance a little ourselves.”
I knew that wasn’t it. Not entirely. Something else was going on here. “Dad?” I asked, looking his way. “Is something going on?”
Dad bit his lip, then sighed. He exchanged a glance with Mom before answering me. “Okay, the truth is, while things have been quiet around here for a while now, Hunter’s father is still out there. He knows what we are, and he knows where we live. We need to be cautious… Your mom and I just feel like it would be safer for all of us if we accompanied you to the dance.”
It made sense, but still…it was weird. My parents were going to watch me bumping and grinding with my girlfriend. Or at least, I hoped she’d be my girlfriend by the end of the night.
Feeling weird about the whole thing, I sat down at the table to finish my liquid breakfast.
Done with his drink, Dad rinsed out his cup and put it in the dishwasher. Turning to Mom, he asked, “Ready?”
Sighing as she rinsed out her glass, Mom mumbled, “Do we really have to sit through a seminar on sexual harassment today?”
A playful smile crossed Dad’s face. “It will be fun, and informative. And I think you could use the reminder.”
Mom scowled at Dad. “Me?”
Dad nodded, his expression serious. “I’m your boss. You shouldn’t hit on me nearly as often as you do. It’s unprofessional.”
Mom gave him a blank expression, then reached out and smacked his bottom. “Is that unprofessional? Jackass.”
Laughing, Dad grabbed her waist and pulled her into his body. His fangs dropped down as he growled, “Careful. That may get you fired…or promoted.”