Chapter 7
Karina was still shaken by Larry’s outburst when she and Ella left the hospital at the end of their shift. Neither spoke of what happened until they had changed clothes and headed for the harbour “You really saved Diane’s butt by admitting him Karina. I wouldn’t worry about it, he’ll be fine.”
“I know, but he’s never been that erratic before. I think maybe there is something that we’ve missed the whole time we’ve known him.”
“You think you could have stopped him hurting himself? Karina, you can’t save someone who doesn’t want saving. Larry just wants a bed for the night and will do anything to get it. Yes, he needs help but he’s the one who needs to decide that.”
Karina threw her arms up in frustration “That’s where the system is flawed, how can someone ask for help when they are so far gone? Without medication they don’t know they even have a problem, they escape so far into their head that the world around them seems fine?” Anger churned in her stomach.
“I know what you’re saying. We have had this conversation over and over but unless you have the ability to change the law then there is nothing we can do.”
“We took an oath Ella, first do no harm.”
Ella started to sound exhausted “Karina, I know you are passionate about this but I’m on your side remember?”
“Sorry.”
“It’s ok. Any sign of Xavier?” Ella asked as she stretched her arms above her head and scanned the harbour.
Karina looked around, happy for the distraction. The only people there were the rowers in the harbour. Not even the usual dog walkers were there today, after half an hour Karina gave up hope “Let’s go home.”
“Have you told your parents about Ian?” Ella asked. Karina didn’t want to dwell too much on Xavier.
“No, I’ll see them on Sunday for lunch.”
“Do you know what you’re going to tell them?”
Karina threw her head back in despair “Urgh, no!”
“Have you heard from Ian?”
She shook her head “I’ll go and pack my things tomorrow before he gets back from his trip. Then I’ll start looking for my own place.”
“You know you’re welcome to stay with me as long as you like?”
Karina put her arm around Ella’s shoulder “I know, thanks,” and she kissed her on the forehead.
The house felt cold and empty when Karina stepped inside the home she shared with Ian. There was no warmth there, no love. It wasn’t always that way, she thought to herself. The day they got the keys for their new ‘love nest’, as Ian had called it, he swept her off her feet and carried her across the threshold. They made love in every room on the first night and settled with second hand furniture until they could afford to replace it with their own. Everything here was done together with Ian, there were no his or hers, it was all theirs. Karina ran her hand across the mahogany dining table they bought from their neighbour. An elderly lady who had recently become widowed, she had to move in with her daughter and family. She had no need for furniture, especially not heavy bulky items. ‘The table was a wedding gift from my parents 53 years ago’ she had told them, the old ladies fingers twisting the simple gold band on her ring finger as she reminisced on better times. Her tears welled ‘It has many fond memories, I’m sure you two will make your own memories with it now’. Karina had felt teary at the idea of taking the old ladies table that had meant so much to her. She had visioned the elderly lady having Sunday dinners with the entire family surrounding this large table. Embroidered table clothes with matching napkins, children sitting at one end and the man of the house at the other. He would carve the meal, and then lead the blessing before they would eat, talk and laugh without a care in the world. Karina promised she would look after the table. Out of all the possessions that filled this home, the table was the only one Karina cared for.
The front door clicked open, bringing Karina back to the present moment. Ian stood in the doorway, suitcase in hand. “Hi,” he said surprised as he stepped inside closing the door behind him.
Karina smiled politely “I didn’t think you’d be back until tomorrow.” Her heart skipped a beat at the sight of Ian.
“The meeting ended sooner than I expected so I came back a day early.” He looked tired and weary, like he hadn’t slept in days. His clothes were wrinkled and the lines around his eyes seemed more prevalent. Tension filled the room.
“I’ll come back later then and pack the rest of my things.” Karina said as she headed for the door.
Ian grabbed her hand “Wait!” his voice had urgency she had not heard before, desperation and longing. “The last few days all I could think about was us. Things were so good between us, I want that back. I want you back. I won’t give up on us, on you.” He locked eyes with Karina and she saw the old Ian again, the one she met at university and had fallen in love with. That hopelessly determined man who was so passionate about what he believed in that he would stop at nothing to achieve it. “Please give me another chance. I know we can make it work. I’ll do anything,” his hand moved up Karina’s arm and he nervously stepped forward, closer to Karina their noses almost touching. Ian’s fingers caressed Karina’s face. She felt her breath as he kissed her softly on the cheek. Thoughts of Xavier flooded Karina’s mind, of his body against hers, how he had kissed and had made her ache inside for him. Karina wanted him to pay for leaving without as much as a goodbye. For making her feel cheap and dirty. She kissed Ian but the intensity wasn’t there, his kiss was different, more urgent like he was out to prove something. She felt Ian’s hands on her waist slowly moving up her back. Karina loosened Ian’s tie and tore open his shirt letting the buttons spill to the floor in a series of tap, tap, taps, and pulled him to her. Ian lay her back on the antique table that Karina loved so much; it felt wrong but that made it all the more right. She wanted to feel bad as though she was doing something she shouldn’t. She knew she was using Ian at this moment but didn’t care. Ian moaned his desires for her, his love for her, as he kissed her tenderly, but it was not enough. Karina bit Ian playfully on the lip and scratched her nails along the skin of his back. Ian’s face lit up with yearning and he moaned loudly. Sweat beaded his brow and trickled along his back as he found a new vigour and he and Karina moved as one falling into each other.
“I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.” Ian whispered as he held Karina to him, his voice came in panting bursts. He finally looked at her and there was recognition and relief in Ian’s eyes she had not seen before, like he had come to a conclusion about something that Karina should have already known.
Karina shifted uneasily “Ian...I’m only here to pack my things. You were the one who wanted time to clear your head remember?” She felt uneasy saying those words and guilt was tearing away inside her for what she had just done, using Ian as a pawn for her vengeance against Xavier.
Ian’s eyes were pained as the recognition slowly faded away, giving way to confusion and sadness but he didn’t let it show on the rest of his face. “You’re not coming back?” his voice was almost disappointed as it came out in a raspy whisper.
She slowly shook her head, her eyebrows knitted with sadness “I’m saying that we shouldn’t jump back into this,” she indicated the two of them “If you want me, you’ll have to work for me.” Karina said as she pulled Ian forward by his tie, which was the only article of clothing that hung from his body, and kissed him. More passionately than she ever had in the hope that some final inkling of a spark would reignite and Ian would fight for what he wanted. She felt she owed him at least that much. Then ashamedly Karina dressed and walked out the door.