This life--breakfast around the table together, with the view out over the water, and the whole town on their side--could have been hers. But she'd turned her back on it completely.
Trying to think of something, anything to say, she asked, "How's the knitting going?" She was surprised by Jordan's crooked smile. What a smart, pretty girl she was and so lucky to have such a great brother.
"It's going okay."
Calvin's face lit up with pride. "She's almost finished a scarf."
"Wow," Sarah said casually, not wanting to make too big a deal out of it, but wanting Jordan to know how impressed she was. "That's awesome. I'd love to see it when you're done." And then she took a bite of her pancake. "Oh my God. This is amazing." She licked her lips again, closed her eyes as she took another bite. Her mouth was half full as she said, "I've never had pancakes this good."
Calvin was smiling at her when she opened her eyes, but his eyes were full of heat.
And the love he'd professed less than an hour before.
Jordan finished her last bite, slid off her seat, put her plate into the dishwasher, then walked out of the kitchen, leaving them alone. Wanting to look anywhere but at Calvin, Sarah swept her glance around what she could see of his kitchen, living room, and dining room.
His home was classic Adirondack with two stories, a large screened-in front porch, and a shingled front. The windows were framed in red, and the rails of the stairs and the porch were glossy logs.
"You have a beautiful house."
It was the perfect home in the perfect setting--one she could have been living in all this time if she'd only stayed.
"I dreamed about building this place for a long time. William Sullivan, and Jean and Henry Kane--they all helped me make it a reality."
Calvin had always said he was going to build his own house one day. He'd done it, creating a real home for himself and his sister--so different from the cramped, dingy trailer he had grown up in.
She lifted her gaze to tell him this, and that's when she realized he hadn't taken his eyes off her for one single second. The edge of darkness, the throb of heat--and love--in his gaze, ran little bolts of electricity down her spine. At which point Sarah's heartbeat kicked up so hard and fast she dropped her fork, the tines clanging on the edge of her plate.
*
"Whatever you're thinking, whatever you're feeling," Calvin said in a gentle voice, "it's going to be okay. I promise it will."
He could see that she was on the verge of running from him again, trying to recover the distance they'd erased in his bed with the sunrise shining in on them. Which she confirmed by saying, "You were amazing last night. Thank you for being there. Not just for me, but for my mother and grandmother too."
"You don't have to thank me for anything, sweetheart. Not one single thing."
He saw the flare of pleasure in her eyes at the endearment, along with the way it quickly morphed into panic. "What happened this morning--" She paused. "It was incredible, but--"
He put a finger over her lips. "Don't overthink it."
She laid her hand over his, resting it there for a moment before moving it away so that she could speak. "We have to think about it. About what we're doing. About the fact that it can't possibly work."
Watching her pull away from him again, feeling it in her every word, every panicked glance--someone else might have seen proof of everything he'd thought was true. That nothing had really changed from when they were kids. That she wasn't going to stick through the hard stuff this time either.
But Calvin knew better. Knew that there was one big difference this time around: He wasn't going to make the mistake he'd made ten years ago. Because the second time around, he simply refused to lose faith in her.
His life had never been easy. Hell, in those early days, weeks, years after losing his parents, he hadn't known how things were going to work out. All he'd known was that if he lost faith in his ability to take care of his sister and himself, then he would have been lost altogether.
Now, he had to believe he and Sarah would work things out too. Had to believe that together they'd find their way back to love. To a bigger, better, stronger love than they'd had before.
Because not believing it--and having to let her go again--would destroy him.
That was why he was going to believe--and let himself love her the way he always had, fully, completely, body, heart, and soul--every single second, from here forward.
"Let's take it hour by hour, sweetheart. Day by day."
Hope flared in her eyes again before she tamped down on it. "But everything that happened between us--"
"Is all in the past now. We don't have to go back there again."
From their blowup in the bar, to the words they'd hurled at each other in the boathouse, and then that moment he'd pulled her into his arms on the carousel, when she'd sobbed out her pain against his chest and they'd both honestly apologized to each other--at long last, they were finished with having to go back to eighteen. Back to a place where neither of them had been anywhere near mature enough to know how to love the other person right.
"But I thought we agreed that you have wide-open skies and I have flashing city lights? That isn't changing, Calvin."
"I may have the open spaces of this town, but I also have an empty space inside of me that no amount of blue sky could ever fill. Only you can do that." He put his hand on her cheek. "When I'm with you, I don't feel empty anymore."
"And you make me feel warm again," she whispered. Then her eyes opened wide with alarm, as if she had only just realized what she'd said.
Yanking herself back from his touch, she said, "It's still a mistake. No matter how much I wish it weren't." Her blue eyes were sad, resigned. "Being with you again was beautiful. And even though I should, I can't make myself wish it didn't happen." She slid off her stool, picked up her plate, and held it up like a shield between them. "But none of that changes the fact that making love is still a mistake we can never repeat."
CHAPTER TWENTY
Dorothy and Helen were sitting on the porch of Lakeside Stitch & Knit when Calvin dropped Sarah off on the way to Jordan's school.
Sarah thought she saw Dorothy's eyes widen a bit, but fortunately she was far more interested in how Olive was doing than the state of Sarah's love life. Inviting them inside the store, Sarah worked to get ready for customers as she filled them in on her grandmother's situation.
That first day she'd had to take charge of the store, she'd been so lost, had been in so far over her head. A week later, she was pleased to realize that she would be well able to take on another day here, start to finish.
The only problem was, she couldn't concentrate. Could barely think about anything but the slow slide of Calvin's hands and mouth across her body. Could barely focus on anything but that sweet emotion in his eyes as they finally came back together. And she couldn't stop remembering how many times this morning she'd called their lovemaking a mistake.
As if saying it over and over could somehow make it true.
"You're a good girl, taking over the store for your mother and grandmother."
Sarah looked up from a box of unspun alpaca hanks that she was unloading onto the shelves. She needed to shake off her morning with Calvin if she was going to get through the day. But it wasn't like shaking off a bad business deal so she could make another pitch to another client. This was her life--her heart--she was trying to shake off.
"I'm sorry?"
Dorothy put a hand on her arm. "I know how exhausted you must be. I was just saying I know how pleased Olive and Denise both are, knowing you're here keeping the ship afloat."
The warmth of the woman's touch helped melt the ice that Sarah had forced herself to swallow down in Calvin's kitchen. "It's not exactly a hardship, you know, hanging out with knitters all day."
Her grandmother's friend laughed. "My, how things have changed. And how quickly. You should have seen your face at that first Monday night knitting group."
; Sarah was surprised by her own grin, but then Helen said, "Tell us about Calvin," and Sarah felt a telltale flush move across her cheeks.
"He was great last night."
She flushed as she realized just how many obvious shades there were to last night--things that went beyond a trip to the hospital in an ambulance and a friend's couch to sleep on. And she knew better than to hope that these women would let it go. They were knitters. They could execute complicated stitches that made Sarah's head spin just to look at the pattern. And they could read a blush like a book.
As expected, they both leaned in. "Do tell."
"He stayed with us in the hospital and took care of me and Mom."
Both women smiled knowing smiles. "I always wondered what he was waiting for," Dorothy said. "Why he wasn't married yet."
Helen nodded. "Now we know."
Sarah's mouth fell open. "No. He--I--We--" She forced herself to shut her mouth before she made even more of a fool of herself.
"You've had a difficult night. We shouldn't be teasing you." Dorothy and Helen each put a hand over hers. "Give your grandmother our love when you visit her tonight."
Before Sarah could find her feet again--even though the truth was that she hadn't been steady on them from the first moment she had set foot back in Summer Lake a week ago--the door opened. For the next hour, Sarah reassured her grandmother's friends. And when customers from out of town came in, Olive's friends were right there helping them to find yarn and needles, helping to explain confusing patterns, sharing their experience with new knitters.
Calvin had been there for her last night. Today, it seemed everyone in town was joining in.
The stack of get-well cards she had to deliver kept growing, becoming tall enough that she needed to co-opt one of the store's shopping baskets for them. Through it all, Sarah was amazed at the outpouring of love.
Jenny, a pretty, middle-aged woman who worked ten hours a week in the store and had the quickest fingers with needles and yarn that Sarah had ever seen, came in carrying an enormous vase of flowers. "I ran into the delivery guy outside."
She put them on the counter, and after giving Jenny the update on her grandmother, Sarah remembered to ask, "How did your son do on the math test he was so worried about?"
"He got a ninety percent. And Susie got the lead in the school musical."
"They're great kids." Sarah had met Jenny's son and daughter the previous week when they'd dropped by the store for a few minutes after getting milk shakes at the diner.
"Susie wants to have a formal knitting lesson with you soon, by the way. She keeps asking me if I've talked to you about setting it up."
"But you're a much better knitter than I am."
"I'm also her mother. Trust me, she's better off learning from you."
Sarah couldn't hide her pleasure at the request. "Tell her I'd be thrilled to teach her what I know."
"You're great with kids, you know. You have the same touch Denise and Olive do. All of you are effortless teachers."
Surprised yet again by the positive comparison to the women in her family, Sarah replied, "I'm just trying to keep from running all of my mother and grandmother's customers away while they're gone." Especially given that her grandmother's doctor had made it perfectly clear that she would not be able to resume her regular hours at the store. Her days of running Lakeside Stitch & Knit were over.
"Actually, Jenny," Sarah said, "I really need to find someone to manage the store. Are you interested?"
"Part time is pretty much all I've got right now," Jenny said with obvious regret. "But what about you? I thought maybe you were--" Sarah knew her expression must have been pretty bad, because Jenny stopped abruptly. "Sorry. I know you've got a big job in the city. I was just hoping that you'd started to think about sticking around. Especially with you and Calvin being together."
"Calvin and I aren't--" She cut herself off before the lie could drop completely. "Are people talking about us?"
"You've been spotted around town together. At the bar. In his car." Jenny shrugged as if it was no big deal. "Look, if people are talking, who cares?"
Sarah opened her mouth to explain all the reasons she cared, but nothing came out.
"Calvin's an amazing guy," Jenny pressed on. "You're a wonderful woman. If anything, people are going to be thrilled to find out that the two of you are a couple."
Until she left him high and dry. Again. Then she'd be the villain. Local girl gone bad. It was just what she'd wanted to avoid, part of the reason she had tried so hard to resist him. In a town like Summer Lake, gossip was as much a part of the local infrastructure as the historic buildings.
Wanting desperately to steer the conversation away from her and Calvin, she said, "Well, if you think of anyone who would be a great manager, could you let me know?"
"Sure. I'll help out any way I can. You know that. But for the record, I still think you're the best choice. No pressure, of course."
Considering that pressure was her middle name lately, Sarah had to force a laugh she didn't really feel. She felt guilty about leaving her family's store in a stranger's hands by going back to her job in the city. She felt guilty leaving her company in the lurch by being here in her family's store. She had been pulled in so many directions since returning to town--by Calvin, by her family, by the store, by her job, by her new friends--she felt dizzy with it.
"How about you let me take over for a few minutes while you get out of here and find something to eat and drink?" Jenny offered.
Sarah nodded gratefully. Her throat felt raw from the constant talking all morning, the tears the night before, and the in-between when she'd been unable to hold back her sounds of pleasure at how sweet it was to be back in Calvin's arms.
She bent over to pick up her bag, and a folder slid out. Her heart stilled. How could she have forgotten for even a second the entire reason she'd come back to town?
In order to make the architectural review deadline for the month and be a part of the town hall meeting this Thursday, she needed to file the papers today. She looked up at the clock in horror.
The town clerk's office closed in ten minutes.
The taste of betrayal filled her mouth. This morning, she'd been in Calvin's bed. And even if she'd made it perfectly clear to him that it couldn't happen again, it didn't make filing the papers to get the condos under way just hours later feel any less wrong.
He would think she was using the condos to lash out at him, to push him away. He wouldn't understand that the condos had nothing to do with what she felt for him, that it was all her own deal. He wouldn't understand that she'd worked too hard to fail now, that she couldn't stand the thought of waking up and seeing that everything she'd given up for her career might all have been for nothing.
"You dropped this," Jenny said, handing her the thick folder.
Sarah stared at her project plans for a long moment before she took it.
*
The town clerk's office was on the other side of Main Street. Every step she took was heavier than the one before it. And still she continued on, past the grocery store, past the art gallery, past the ice cream shop, past the building that Rosa Bouchard had made her new headquarters for her project to fight online bullying.
Sarah came to a stop at the mayor's office and looked up at his window. Never more than at that moment did she wish that they weren't on opposite sides of her project. They'd had to overcome so much from their past just to get to where they were now.
A few seconds later, she pushed open the heavy front door to the town clerk's office and practically walked straight into Catherine.
"Sarah, I'm glad to see you."
Sarah wasn't at all sure she managed to mask her surprise in time. Where was Catherine's cold glare from knitting night when they had been going at each other in the back room of the store?
"I've been wanting to come by the store all morning to ask about Olive. Calvin told me she was awake and wanting to knit this morning, thank God. Any
other updates?"
"She's still on oxygen, but the nurse let her talk to me for a minute." Sarah had to smile at what her grandmother had said. "She wanted to make sure I could handle the store on my own."
"Sounds like the Olive we all know and love."
As they stood together on the sidewalk chatting, Sarah could almost think they were friends again. But then Catherine looked down and saw the folder in her hands, the KLEIN GROUP PROJECT tab facing out in bold, black letters.
Catherine's smile fell. It was perfectly clear just how disappointed she was. "You're still going through with your plans?"
Sarah took a deep breath. "I am."
"Everyone in town is going to be at the town hall meeting, you know. And they aren't going to care that you grew up here." Catherine didn't look angry anymore, not the way she had last night at the knitting group, but she obviously wasn't thrilled in the least with what Sarah was doing. "It isn't going to make them any less honest about what they think."
Sarah had loved town hall meetings as a little girl, the way the adults would often laugh with each other--and also yell at each other--for what seemed like absolutely no reason in either case. But she'd never thought she'd be one of those adults.
What other choice did she have? If she didn't file the papers, she'd lose her job. And the truth was, Sarah still believed the condos could be good for Summer Lake. Just as she'd told Calvin that first night at the Tavern, she would make sure they were.
Finally, Sarah said, "I'm sorry you're so upset with me."
Catherine's gaze didn't waver. "I am too."
As she walked away, Sarah had to put her hand over her breastbone. It felt like something sharp was digging into her chest, piercing her skin, trying to get all the way into her blood and guts.
Ten minutes later, she was back out on the sidewalk, holding an empty folder.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Calvin and Jordan walked into the store as Sarah was ringing up her last customer of the day. Jordan showed her brother all the yarns she liked while Sarah closed up. It should only have taken her five minutes to clear out the register and put away the order forms she'd been filling out, but the collage of images of her and Calvin together in his bed, then in his kitchen, and all the words they'd said--I love you and it's still a mistake and you are so beautiful and please, Calvin, now--made her slow and clumsy and confused with the money and papers.