"I pitched Summer Lake because I knew it would be a sure thing for my client. I was...going to lose my job." He watched her eyes widen with shock at her own admission. She had never liked being vulnerable, not even when she should already know he was the one person she could be vulnerable with. "My boss hadn't actually said anything to me about my job performance, but I could tell he was watching me. Waiting for me to screw up. After my father died, I couldn't concentrate. Not like I had before."
Calvin had promised himself he wouldn't stop her from going down her list of reasons why not. He'd thought they needed to get everything out there, every bit of pain, every last protest, to make sure there wasn't anything left between them to keep them apart. To keep them from forever. But when he saw her eyes grow glassy with tears, his final hold on his control snapped in two.
*
The minute his arms came around her--warm and steady, comforting and loving--she realized she was all out of objections. All out of protests. He had broken through all her defenses, one after the other, everything from the past to the future.
So then, why was she still so scared? She could feel herself shaking in his arms. She'd always been strong. Had always taken care of herself. But maybe instead of being one hundred percent of something hollow...maybe she could be one half of something whole.
"Sarah. My sweet Sarah." He pulled her closer, stroked her back with his hands, working to calm her. "Everything's going to be all right. I promise."
"How?" Her throat felt like she had swallowed fire. "How can you make that promise?"
"Because I believe in us. In you. In me." He kissed her softly. Gently. "Baby steps. That's what we'll take."
He made it sound so easy, made it sound like there weren't a dozen things that could go wrong along the way.
"Come inside with me tonight. Not because you don't want to go back to your mother's big house, but because you're choosing this. Because you're choosing me. Because you want what's mine to be ours."
And despite all of her vows to herself to be strong--instead of holding firm to her resolution to cut Calvin loose once and for all, for his sake--she took his hand and led him up the dock, across the sand, and through his front door.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Sarah felt shy with Calvin, more than she should have after the past two nights together. It would have been easier if he had reached for her, if he'd kissed her first and eased her into their lovemaking. But just as he'd needed her to make the choice to come inside with him, she knew he needed her to make this choice too.
To make love to him not simply because she couldn't resist...but because he was what she wanted. Past. Present.
And future.
She put her arms around him and buried her face in his neck. He was so strong. So steady. So warm.
She could feel how much he wanted her, but he held himself perfectly still, letting her lead their dance this time. She pressed her lips against his skin, kissing him where his pulse had leaped to life. She moved her hands to his shirt, pulling it free of his jeans, and as she ran her fingers over his rippling abdominal muscles, she could feel his growl of pleasure rumble up from his chest.
She'd thought they'd already started over with one another, but now she knew this was the moment when everything began again. Where they weren't loving each other because of kisses that had spiraled out of control, because their attraction burned hotter than anything ever had. But because they both needed each other in a way they'd never needed anyone else. Needed to talk. Needed to laugh. Needed to love. Needed to be there when everything fell apart and while they were trying to put it back together again.
Tonight was the first time she would let herself say to him, with her body if not yet with words, that she wanted to be with him. Wanted to love him. Even if it wasn't easy. Even if she still wasn't sure it made sense. Even if she couldn't look into a crystal ball and know that it would all work out in the future.
Their clothes were soon gone, leaving them to ride a wave of pure instinct, no thinking, no second-guessing, just a man and a woman who couldn't get enough of each other. She relished every touch, every brush of his lips against hers.
Everything she wanted was right here, right now, in his arms.
Pulling him down with her to the bed, she was so glad to be pinned beneath the hard heat of his body. And then he was filling her until she was bursting with him, with all the emotion she couldn't manage to hold back. She cried out into his mouth as he kissed her, just as they both reached the peak, then fell long and hard.
And when it was over, when she was on the verge of falling asleep in his arms one more time, she heard him say it again.
"I love you."
*
Later that night...
Sarah rode the carousel. It wasn't old or peeling or cracking. The horses were shiny and new, and it was spinning around and around, circus music playing as she rode a big white horse.
Holding on to the gold bar that moved up and down in time with the music, she wondered how the carousel had been fixed up so quickly and why she was out here alone riding it. But the thought wouldn't stay in her head. Not with the music playing, not while she was spinning.
And then a moment later, she was sitting in the sleigh behind the matched pair of horses, holding knitting needles and yarn. The his-and-hers horses shared a tender look as they ran forever in front of their sleigh.
Her heart warmed as she thought about how happy her grandmother must be to have her beloved carousel looking brand new again, to know that children would be able to experience the joy that had been such a big part of her childhood.
And then she looked down and realized her hands were moving. She was knitting something out of yellow yarn, the perfect color to match the markings on the carousel horse directly in front of her. For a moment, her hands looked so much like her grandmother's that she got confused.
Calvin's words floated into her brain. "Seeing you with those needles makes me realize how much you look like your grandmother."
He would never lie to her, she knew that, so maybe it was true. Maybe she was more like her grandmother than she'd ever realized.
As the shock of how quickly, how surely, her hands were moving with the needles and yarn receded, she looked closer at what she was making. Somehow, without needing to think about it, without needing to consult a pattern, she cast off the final stitches.
She had never felt like this, so completely out of her body, almost as if she were floating.
No, that wasn't true. Every time she was in Calvin's arms, every time he loved her, she had no choice but to let go of the thread that connected her to who she thought she was.
Being with him was like flying, floating on a cloud of pure pleasure.
And boundless love.
She looked down and saw that her hands were moving again, draping the tack she'd knitted over the horse's mouth. The bridle was a perfect fit, as was the knitted saddle that magically appeared on the horse's back. When she looked more closely at the carousel, she realized all of the horses were wearing knitted bridles and saddles.
Who had made them? She still barely knew how to knit and was far too slow to have done all of this. Had the women in the knitting group done this to surprise her grandmother?
The carousel suddenly stopped, so suddenly that she had to grip the horse beside her so that she didn't fall down.
A moment later, everything started to fade, the horses disappearing one by one until the carousel was gone completely and she was left standing in the middle of the building site, still holding her needles and yarn and the bridle and saddle, but there was nothing left to put them on.
*
"Sarah, sweetheart, it's just a dream. You're okay now. I've got you."
She woke up to the feeling Calvin's hands stroking her damp hair back from her face. She worked to catch her breath as she came back to reality, naked and warm in his big bed. In his arms.
She pressed her palm against his chest, lett
ing herself be comforted by the strong, steady beat of his heart. She felt so safe. More safe than she'd known it was possible to be.
"Every time you touch me," she whispered, "I forget everything. Everything but how you make me feel."
"Tell me how I make you feel."
His eyes were filled with so much love in the moonlit room that even though she knew better, she had to whisper, "You make me feel pleasure like I've never known before." She closed her eyes, relishing the simple touch of his hands on her skin, the way his thumb had begun to brush lightly across her lower lip. "You make me feel comfort. Warmth. Happiness." She opened her eyes again and met his intense gaze. "And love. So much love."
Suddenly, so suddenly that it took her breath away, she realized that holding back the words didn't make them less true.
"I love you, Calvin."
His chest stilled beneath her hand, even as his heartbeat jumped. "Tell me again so I don't think I'm dreaming it."
Fear hit her like a sledgehammer, but this time, instead of pushing him away, she worked to push the fear away. She placed her hands on either side of his face, her mouth on his, and she kissed him. He was so warm, so real, the most solid man she'd ever had in her life.
"You were right all along." She didn't realize she was crying until he began to kiss away the wetness from her eyes, across her cheeks. "I'm scared. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be a partner." Now that the floodgates had opened, she couldn't stop talking. "You're my best friend, and I'm so afraid of losing you again. Of losing our friendship forever this time. I tried to stop myself, tried to tell myself we could be lovers without ruining everything, but it was the biggest lie I've ever told."
"Just tell me again, sweetheart. Tell me how you feel. Tell me what's inside your heart. That's all you need to do."
She took a shaky breath, the words on the tip of her tongue. But now that she knew for sure just how big were the floodgates of emotion that came with them, renewed terror kept her silent.
"The first time is the hardest," he told her in a gentle voice. "We've got all night for you to get there again."
It was when the hint of a smile slid onto his lips, just visible in the faint moonlight coming through the window, amazing her that it could come when she was almost paralyzed with terror, that she realized he was right. She could do it.
"I love you."
His mouth found hers, stealing what was left of her breath. "I'm never going to get tired of hearing you say that. Tell me again."
It was easier this time, as if she knew how to unlock the keys to the prison the words had been locked up in for so long. "I love you." The three words settled deep into her as shock began to recede.
"Do you know how long I've waited to hear you say that again?"
"Two days?"
His laughter moved across her skin. "Ten years."
And then he was moving his lips across her face, dipping onto her mouth and then down her neck, her shoulders, the tops of her breasts. His mouth closed over the tip of her breast, and "I love you" came out of her mouth again, this time on a gasp of pleasure. His tongue rewarded her admission, and she arched into his mouth, her hands threading through his soft hair. He moved to lave her other breast, and she said it again, amazed by how much easier "I love you" was every time she said it.
And as they came together one more time, as he slid into her and took her breath away just as he always did, when he bent down to kiss her, the "I love you" she whispered against his mouth was all either of them needed to jump off the edge. Together.
She was still scared, still twisted up, still knocked as far off center as she'd ever been, still completely uncertain about how they were going to work out a future together. But at least here, in the private cocoon of his bedroom, the love Calvin gave her overpowered her doubts.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
"Good news," Olive said. "I'm coming home today."
Sarah whooped with joy behind the register, startling a customer into dropping a handful of yarn on the floor. "I'm so glad you're all right, Grandma." Maybe everything was going to be okay after all.
All morning, Sarah had been on pins and needles waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because it couldn't possibly be as easy as two childhood sweethearts falling back in love with each other, could it?
No, she told herself for the hundredth time that day, she was just being silly. Trying to throw up roadblocks on an otherwise smooth track.
All day in the store, Sarah had been preparing for the town hall meeting. Rather, she'd been trying to prepare, with her notes spread out across the counter, her laptop open so she could make last-minute changes. But she'd barely been able to concentrate. And it was that same lack of focus that had her saying, "I had the strangest dream, Grandma, about the carousel, where I was knitting bridles and saddles for the horses."
"You're a genius!" her grandmother exclaimed. "What a perfect way to raise money to move and restore the carousel. We'll have a knitting contest. People will pay a fee to enter."
"You know what?" Sarah had to smile at the excitement in her grandmother's voice--and in her own. "That might actually work."
"Of course it will work," Olive said in a no-nonsense voice. "And I'm glad you've found your reason to knit. I thought maybe falling in love would take you there. But this makes much more sense. Of course, you would have to knit toward a goal. Something tangible, like saving the carousel. Have you started making a saddle yet?"
It was almost as if her grandmother had ESP and knew that Sarah had been looking at different skeins all morning, wondering how they'd knit up for the horses, fighting the urge to pick up a pair of needles. "How could I possibly knit something like that without a pattern?"
"Well, if you don't think you're up to the challenge, I understand."
"You're not much for subtlety, are you, Grandma?"
"I'm too old for subtlety. Speaking of which, how are things going with that boy who's so in love with you?"
She didn't bother to deny it. What was the point when her grandmother obviously saw everything? Even the things Sarah had tried so hard not to see.
"Good. Great, actually." Warmth stole over her as she remembered how sweet--and how sexy--it was to wake up in his arms. But then that same dark premonition she'd been trying to run from all morning settled on her as she added, "Except for the fact that we're going to be facing off against each other tonight at the town hall meeting."
"I sure wish I felt up to attending. I'd like to see the fireworks. Be sure to drop in to the cottage tonight to tell me all about it. And I'll let my friends know about your knitted saddle idea so that we can get started on them right away."
Sarah was still staring at the receiver, wondering how her life had managed to get so crazy in so short a time, when Christie walked in.
"I've been meaning to come by for the past few days, but things have been nonstop at the inn. Ever since the press found out that we hosted Smith Sullivan's wedding, we've been booked solid."
Sarah smiled, or tried to anyway. "Don't worry about it. Things have been nuts with me too." She thought about Calvin, about her dream, about her grandmother knitting a saddle for a carousel horse. "Really nuts."
"It's not your grandmother, is it?"
"No," Sarah said quickly. "She's coming home from the hospital today."
"That's great news." Christie smiled, her expression softening even further as she added, "Rumor has it that I'm a great listener if you ever want to talk."
Sarah had never really had a girlfriend with whom she could talk about dating or guys. Not since she and Catherine were kids, actually. Now, for the first time, she found that she desperately wanted to sit down with another woman and talk about her feelings.
But before she could take Christie up on her offer, the door opened and Catherine walked in. "Here's the schedule for the town hall meeting tonight." She dropped a printout on the counter before turning to Christie with a smile. "Hey there. How are you?"
&n
bsp; "Good. Taking a much needed break."
Jenny walked in next. "Sorry I'm late, Sarah. Blood and kids is all you need to know."
"Are your kids okay?"
"They're fine. Just stupid. Hi, Christie, Catherine."
"I was just going to get a cup of coffee at Moose Cafe," Catherine said to Christie. "Care to join me?"
"I'd love to. Sarah, come with us."
Before she could gracefully decline, Jenny jumped in. "You've been chained to the register all week. All this wool and alpaca can start to make you crazy after a while. I can man the store solo for a while."
Sarah knew when she was cornered. Not only by Jenny gently kicking her out, but also because Christie clearly wanted to try to mend things between her and Catherine. And yet as she followed the other women, she was surprised to realize that she wasn't overcome with relief at getting a chance to escape the store.
The truth was, she liked working there, liked talking with women, liked helping people with something fun that truly got them buzzed. And then there was the yarn itself, which she'd fallen head over heels for too.
The three of them ordered their drinks, then sat at a table by the lakeside window. Looking out at the blue lake, the patchwork quilt of colored leaves spread across the mountains, Sarah said, "It really is beautiful here."
"Which is why you shouldn't bring those condos in and change everything," Catherine said.
As Sarah turned her gaze from the water to her old friend's face, Christie jumped in. "I'm sure she didn't mean it like that, did you, Catherine?"
But Sarah knew she had. "I always admired you so much when we were kids, Catherine. You were never afraid to say what you thought. What you really meant."
Catherine blinked at the unexpected compliment. "Neither were you."
But Sarah was starting to know better than that. "It may have looked like that, but lately I've been wondering if I was just trying to make everyone happy." Her father, of course, but she hadn't stopped there. She'd spent years trying to please every teacher, every boss. When, she suddenly wondered, had she tried to please herself?