Read The Best of Archy and Mehitabel Page 4

  what in hell have i done to deserve all these kittens

  archy she said to me

  yesterday

  the life of a female

  artist is continually

  hampered what in hell

  have i done to deserve

  all these kittens

  i look back on my life

  and it seems to me to be

  just one damned kitten

  after another

  i am a dancer archy

  and my only prayer

  is to be allowed

  to give my best to my art

  but just as i feel

  that i am succeeding

  in my life work

  along comes another batch

  of these damned kittens

  it is not archy

  that i am shy on mother love

  god knows i care for

  the sweet little things

  curse them

  but am i never to be allowed

  to live my own life

  i have purposely avoided

  matrimony in the interests

  of the higher life

  but i might just

  as well have been a domestic

  slave for all the freedom

  i have gained

  i hope none of them

  gets run over by

  an automobile

  my heart would bleed

  if anything happened

  to them and i found it out

  but it isn t fair archy

  it isn t fair

  these damned tom cats have all

  the fun and freedom

  if i was like some of these

  green eyed feline vamps i know

  i would simply walk out on the

  bunch of them and

  let them shift for themselves

  but i am not that kind

  archy i am full of mother love

  my kindness has always

  been my curse

  a tender heart is the cross i bear

  self sacrifice always and forever

  is my motto damn them

  i will make a home

  for the sweet innocent

  little things

  unless of course providence

  in his wisdom should remove

  them they are living

  just now in an abandoned

  garbage can just behind

  a made over stable in greenwich

  village and if it rained

  into the can before i could

  get back and rescue them

  i am afraid the little

  dears might drown

  it makes me shudder just

  to think of it

  of course if i were a family cat

  they would probably

  be drowned anyhow

  sometimes i think

  the kinder thing would be

  for me to carry the

  sweet little things

  over to the river

  and drop them in myself

  but a mother s love archy

  is so unreasonable

  something always prevents me

  these terrible

  conflicts are always

  presenting themselves

  to the artist

  the eternal struggle

  between art and life archy

  is something fierce

  yes something fierce

  my what a dramatic

  life i have lived

  one moment up the next

  moment down again

  but always gay archy always gay

  and always the lady too

  in spite of hell

  well boss it will

  be interesting to note

  just how mehitabel

  works out her present problem

  a dark mystery still broods

  over the manner

  in which the former

  family of three kittens

  disappeared

  one day she was talking to me

  of the kittens

  and the next day when i asked

  her about them

  she said innocently

  what kittens

  interrogation point

  and that was all

  i could ever get out

  of her on the subject

  we had a heavy rain

  right after she spoke to me

  but probably that garbage can

  leaks and so the kittens

  have not yet

  been drowned

  archy

  we had a heavy rain

  cheerio, my deario

  well boss i met

  mehitabel the cat

  trying to dig a

  frozen lamb chop

  out of a snow

  drift the other day

  a heluva comedown

  that is for me archy

  she says a few

  brief centuries

  ago one of old

  king

  tut

  ankh

  amen s favorite

  queens and today

  the village scavenger

  but wotthehell

  archy wotthehell

  it s cheerio

  my deario that

  pulls a lady through

  see here mehitabel

  i said i thought

  you told me that

  it was cleopatra

  you used to be

  before you

  transmigrated into

  the carcase of a cat

  where do you get

  this tut

  ankh

  amen stuff

  question mark

  i was several

  ladies my little

  insect says she

  being cleopatra was

  only an incident

  in my career

  and i was always getting

  the rough end of it

  always being

  misunderstood by some

  strait laced

  prune faced bunch

  of prissy mouthed

  sisters of uncharity

  the things that

  have been said

  about me archy

  exclamation point

  and all simply

  because i was a

  live dame

  the palaces i have

  been kicked out of

  in my time

  exclamation point

  but wotthehell

  little archy wot

  thehell

  it s cheerio

  my deario

  that pulls a

  lady through

  exclamation point

  framed archy always

  framed that is the

  story of all my lives

  no chance for a dame

  with the anvil chorus

  if she shows a little

  motion it seems to

  me only yesterday

  that the luxor local

  number one of

  the ladies axe

  association got me in

  dutch with king tut and

  he slipped me the

  sarcophagus always my

  luck yesterday an empress

  and today too

  emaciated to interest

  a vivisectionist but

  toujours gai archy

  toujours gai and always

  a lady in spite of hell

  and transmigration

  once a queen

  always a queen

  archy

  period

  one of her

  feet was frozen

  but on the other three

  she began to caper and

  dance singing it s

  cheerio my deario

  that pulls a lady

  through her morals may

  have been mislaid somewhere

  in the
centuries boss but

  i admire her spirit

  archy

  the lesson of the moth

  i was talking to a moth

  the other evening

  he was trying to break into

  an electric light bulb

  and fry himself on the wires

  why do you fellows

  pull this stunt i asked him

  because it is the conventional

  thing for moths or why

  if that had been an uncovered

  candle instead of an electric

  light bulb you would

  now be a small unsightly cinder

  have you no sense

  plenty of it he answered

  but at times we get tired

  of using it

  we get bored with the routine

  and crave beauty

  and excitement

  fire is beautiful

  and we know that if we get

  too close it will kill us

  but what does that matter

  it is better to be happy

  for a moment

  and be burned up with beauty

  than to live a long time

  and be bored all the while

  so we wad all our life up

  into one little roll

  and then we shoot the roll

  that is what life is for

  it is better to be a part of beauty

  for one instant and then cease to

  exist than to exist forever

  and never be a part of beauty

  our attitude toward life

  is come easy go easy

  we are like human beings

  used to be before they became

  too civilized to enjoy themselves

  and before i could argue him

  out of his philosophy

  he went and immolated himself

  on a patent cigar lighter

  i do not agree with him

  myself i would rather have

  half the happiness and twice

  the longevity

  but at the same time i wish

  there was something i wanted

  as badly as he wanted to fry himself

  archy

  pete the parrot and shakespeare

  i got acquainted with

  a parrot named pete recently

  who is an interesting bird

  pete says he used

  to belong to the fellow

  that ran the mermaid tavern

  in london then i said

  you must have known

  shakespeare know him said pete

  poor mutt i knew him well

  he called me pete and i called him

  bill but why do you say poor mutt

  well said pete bill was a

  disappointed man and was always

  boring his friends about what

  he might have been and done

  if he only had a fair break

  two or three pints of sack

  and sherris and the tears

  would trickle down into his

  beard and his beard would get

  soppy and wilt his collar

  i remember one night when

  bill and ben jonson and

  frankie beaumont

  were sopping it up

  here i am ben says bill

  nothing but a lousy playwright

  and with anything like luck

  in the breaks i might have been

  a fairly decent sonnet writer

  i might have been a poet

  if i had kept away from the theatre

  yes says ben i ve often

  thought of that bill

  but one consolation is

  you are making pretty good money

  out of the theatre

  money money says bill what the hell

  is money what i want is to be

  a poet not a business man

  these damned cheap shows

  i turn out to keep the

  theatre running break my heart

  slap stick comedies and

  blood and thunder tragedies

  and melodramas say i wonder

  if that boy heard you order

  another bottle frankie

  the only compensation is that i get

  a chance now and then

  to stick in a little poetry

  when nobody is looking

  but hells bells that isn t

  what i want to do

  i want to write sonnets and

  songs and spenserian stanzas

  and i might have done it too

  if i hadn t got

  into this frightful show game

  business business business

  grind grind grind

  what a life for a man

  that might have been a poet

  well says frankie beaumont

  why don t you cut it bill

  i can t says bill

  i need the money i ve got

  a family to support down in

  the country well says frankie

  anyhow you write pretty good

  plays bill any mutt can write

  plays for this london public

  says bill if he puts enough

  murder in them what they want

  is kings talking like kings

  never had sense enough to talk

  and stabbings and stranglings

  and fat men making love

  and clowns basting each

  other with clubs and cheap puns

  and off color allusions to all

  the smut of the day oh i know

  what the low brows want

  and i give it to them

  well says ben jonson

  don t blubber into the drink

  brace up like a man

  and quit the rotten business

  i can t i can t says bill

  i ve been at it too long i ve got to

  the place now where i can t

  write anything else

  but this cheap stuff

  i m ashamed to look an honest

  young sonneteer in the face

  i live a hell of a life i do

  the manager hands me some mouldy old

  manuscript and says

  bill here s a plot for you

  this is the third of the month

  by the tenth i want a good

  script out of this that we

  can start rehearsals on

  not too big a cast

  and not too much of your

  damned poetry either

  you know your old

  familiar line of hokum

  they eat up that falstaff stuff

  of yours ring him in again

  and give them a good ghost

  or two and remember we gotta

  have something dick burbage can get

  his teeth into and be sure

  and stick in a speech

  somewhere the queen will take

  for a personal compliment and if

  you get in a line or two somewhere

  about the honest english yeoman

  it s always good stuff

  and it s a pretty good stunt

  bill to have the heavy villain

  a moor or a dago or a jew

  or something like that and say

  i want another

  comic welshman in this

  but i don t need to tell

  you bill you know this game

  just some of your ordinary

  hokum and maybe you could

  kill a little kid or two a prince

  or something they like

  a little pathos along with

  the dirt now you better see burbage

  tonight and see what he wants

  in that part oh says bill

  to think i am

  debasing my talents with junk

  like that oh god what i wanted

  was to be
a poet

  and write sonnet serials

  like a gentleman should

  well says i pete

  bill s plays are highly

  esteemed to this day

  is that so says pete

  poor mutt little he would

  care what poor bill wanted

  was to be a poet

  archy

  archy confesses

  coarse

  jocosity

  catches the crowd

  shakespeare

  and i

  are often

  low browed

  the fish wife

  curse

  and the laugh

  of the horse

  shakespeare

  and i

  are frequently

  coarse

  aesthetic

  excuses

  in bill s behalf

  are adduced

  to refine

  big bill s

  coarse laugh

  but bill

  he would chuckle

  to hear such guff

  he pulled

  rough stuff

  and he liked

  rough stuff

  hoping you

  are the same

  archy

  horse shakespeare and i

  the old trouper

  i ran onto mehitabel again

  last evening

  she is inhabiting

  a decayed trunk

  which lies in an alley

  in greenwich village

  in company with the

  most villainous tom cat

  i have ever seen

  but there is nothing

  wrong about the association

  archy she told me

  it is merely a plutonic

  attachment

  and the thing can be

  believed for the tom

  looks like one of pluto s demons

  it is a theatre trunk

  archy mehitabel told me

  and tom is an old theatre cat

  he has given his life

  to the theatre

  he claims that richard

  mansfield once

  kicked him out of the way

  and then cried because

  he had done it and

  petted him

  and at another time

  he says in a case

  of emergency

  he played a bloodhound

  in a production of

  uncle tom s cabin

  the stage is not what it

  used to be tom says

  he puts his front paw

  on his breast and says

  they don t have it any more

  they don t have it here

  the old troupers are gone

  there s nobody can troupe

  any more

  they are all amateurs nowadays

  they haven t got it

  here

  there are only

  five or six of us oldtime

  troupers left

  this generation does not know

  what stage presence is

  personality is what they lack