I froze, heart thudding against my ribcage. I had to be wrong. But I didn't think I was. All the pieces fit. All of her blushing and the innocence I'd thought had just meant inexperience in non-vanilla areas. She wasn't just acting the part for the scene. She was that innocent.
Or had been, until I'd just...fuck.
What had I done?
Chapter Thirteen
Tanya
The moment he stopped moving, I opened my eyes. The horror on his face told me everything.
He knew.
From my regular check-ups, I knew my hymen had been pretty much broken after a week of horseback riding during a foster kids' retreat when I was seventeen, but there'd still been enough to give me a sharp twinge of pain when Erik had pushed past it.
And he'd figured it out.
“Tanya.” His voice was hoarse. “Please tell me you aren't...I didn't...”
I reached up and put a finger over his mouth. “I want you. I want this.” I shifted my hips, sucking in a breath as he moved a little deeper. “Please, Erik.” I used the line Leia used on Chase. “Make me fly.”
He closed his eyes, his head dropping forward. I could feel the tension in him, see it in every muscle. I used my legs to urge him to move. He was so hard inside me, so full, that I knew he wanted this – needed this – as much as I did.
When his eyes opened, they met mine. “Are you sure?”
I nodded, rocking up so that I took another few centimeters of him inside me. He cursed under his breath and took my mouth, the kiss almost savage even as he began to move slowly, gently. The faint burn of discomfort faded quickly, replaced by a new sort of feeling, different than anything I'd felt before. Different than what it felt like having his finger in me, his mouth on me, and those things had been like nothing I'd ever experienced. Every new sensation Erik created was nearly overwhelming.
I didn't know how he expected me to tell him how to describe any of this. My brain could barely manage to process it, let alone put it into words. Each sense brought its own unique contribution.
The spicy scent of Erik's aftershave. The soft cotton under my back. The salty taste of my own arousal on his tongue. The thick, raw sounds Erik made in the back of his throat when I nipped his bottom lip. The feel of his fingers digging into my hips and ribs as he moved against me.
But it wasn't just the physical.
It was something more. A connection on a level I hadn't known existed. It wasn't because we loved each other, I knew that. We barely knew each other. But there was still a connection, an acknowledgment of how we now had an intimate knowledge of each other's bodies that not everyone else had.
I ran my hands through his hair, moaning as his mouth traveled down my jaw to my throat. He was holding back. I could feel it in his touch, the way he kissed my skin, how careful he was with every stroke he made.
“More,” I begged and tugged his hair until he looked at me. “Don't hold back, Erik.”
“I'm not sure that's–”
“I won’t break.” I leaned forward and bit down on his earlobe.
A shudder ran through him, and he drove into me hard enough to make me gasp.
“Yes!” I arched up against him.
That was all the assurance he needed, apparently, because his thrusts became fast and deep, each one sending a new explosion of sparks through me. I could barely breathe as the pressure inside me built, pushing me toward another orgasm.
He pressed his face against the place where my shoulder and neck met, his mouth working over my skin, the sting of suction and teeth telling me that he was leaving a mark. He reached down, grasping my leg behind the knee and pulling it up as he drove in even deeper than before.
I exploded, crying out as I came even harder than I had the first time. Erik swore as I tightened around him, and then his body stiffened above mine. We clung to each other for a moment longer, and then he moved off of me, rolling onto his back. He made a quick motion, and the accompanying sound told me he'd gotten rid of the condom, but still, neither one of us spoke.
The silence between us quickly became awkward, and I couldn't take lying there naked any longer. I sat up, being careful not to look at him. Not that he didn't have the sort of body I'd enjoy staring at, but because I wasn't sure where we stood now that we'd had sex.
I grabbed my clothes, then made my way into the bathroom, as much to give me a few minutes to think as to clean up. By the time I went back into the room, Erik was dressed and pulling bedding into a pile.
Before I could figure out what I was supposed to say – the after part of sex was new to me too – he beat me to it.
“You should have told me you were a virgin.” His voice was low. “I deserved to know what I was getting into.”
Stung, I took a step back. I understood him being surprised, but that seemed a bit harsh considering I wasn't the one acting weird about it.
He turned now, his eyes cold. “I didn't ask for that responsibility.”
Everything good I'd been feeling disappeared, replaced with anger and hurt for a split second before I shut down everything. I'd had years of practice keeping my thoughts and feelings locked down so they couldn't be used against me, and it seemed like I wasn't done protecting myself.
Good to know.
“Don't flatter yourself,” I said flatly. “I wasn't waiting for someone special. It was just fucking.”
I walked out before he could say anything else.
What the hell had I been thinking? I was finally working in the field I'd always wanted to be in, and I'd managed to get a client with a promising book.
Then I risked everything by giving in to a moment of weakness. I knew better. After Aunt Lolly handed me over to the state, I promised myself that I would do whatever it took to get everything I wanted. So when I decided that I wanted to be an editor, I focused on what I needed to do to accomplish just that. I'd been careful, cautious. I didn't do impulsive things, and the only risks I took were calculated ones. I never took my eyes off what I wanted.
Until I was stupid enough to think that Erik would actually want to be with me. I hadn't been thinking we'd be in a relationship, but I'd expected something...polite, I guess. I figured Erik was the kind of guy who'd be used sex without strings attached, and that he'd be grateful I wasn't acting all clingy. That I could enjoy having a first time that was better than anything I'd heard the other girls in school or in the home gossiping about.
I'd forgotten one of the cardinal rules about being who I was. Hope was futile.
It was only mid-afternoon, but I didn't feel up to going back to work. Unfortunately, that wasn't really my call. I did, however, intend to go home for a quick shower. I'd stay a bit over to make up for the extra time I'd taken for non-work activities. And then I'd do the right thing.
I waited until I got home to write the email. And since I'd stayed two hours over, it was almost eight o'clock by the time I settled down on my couch to re-read what I'd written over dinner.
Mr. Sanders,
Upon further consideration, I have come to the conclusion that I will be unable to fill your needs...
Yeah, that wasn't going to work.
Upon further consideration of your manuscript's needs, I have come to the conclusion that you would be better served if someone with more experience took over. I will be turning over notes and all paperwork to my supervisor, Jai Foxe, first thing in the morning.
I took out a sentence thanking him for placing his trust in me, but not because I thought it was unprofessional. I did it because I couldn't fully trust that he'd chosen me to represent his book because he believed in my capabilities. It was hard, after the way he treated me, to not wonder if Erik had only wanted me taking care of his book until he got me in bed. Now that he knew I didn't have the experience he usually looked for in a sexual partner, he'd probably be grateful I was saving him the trouble of asking to have me removed from the position.
It was the right thing to do.
And it had absol
utely nothing to do with the fact that I didn't want to deal with him anymore.
I sent the email before I could talk myself out of it. Despite what happened between us, a part of me still wanted to be the one working on Heat of the Sun.
Once the email was off, I closed my laptop and set it aside. I knew I should probably do some additional work, but I just didn't have it in me. All I wanted to do right now was take a hot bath and go to bed.
So I did just that, right after indulging in a rare glass of wine from the bottle I'd purchased for my birthday a few weeks back. It helped relax me, which was what I'd been hoping for, but it couldn't keep me from seeing Erik every time I closed my eyes.
I'd only been asleep for an hour or so when someone pounding at my door woke me up. I grabbed my robe and pulled it on as I crossed the short distance to the door. I was just about to look through the spy hole when the person on the other side spoke.
“Open up, Tanya! I'm not accepting this damn resignation, so you might as well let me in so we can talk.”
Chapter Fourteen
Erik
I kept playing it over and over in my head. Her honest surprise that I'd wanted to have sex with her. The way she'd responded to my touch. The taste of her. The sounds she'd made. How she'd felt wrapped around my cock.
And then realizing that I'd been her first.
Logically, I knew that even if I'd stopped right then, it wouldn't have changed what I'd done, and it might have even made things worse. She told me that she wanted me to keep going, and I made sure she came again. As far as first times went, I thought hers hadn't been too bad. A lot of women didn't climax when they first started having sex, and she'd gotten two orgasms.
But that didn't make me feel like any less of an ass for being the one who'd taken her virginity.
That wasn't the only reason I spent most of the afternoon and evening berating myself though. No, most of that had been because I'd not only felt like an asshole, I'd behaved like one. I'd been freaked out, but that hadn't given me the right to talk to her the way I had. As a man, and as a Dom, it was unacceptable to treat a woman that way. Most people thought being a Dominant meant being a jerk, bossing others around, but a good Dom wasn't like that. They were supposed to take care of their Subs, even if they were only together for one scene.
I hadn't taken care of Tanya, no matter how good I'd physically made her feel.
I considered all the possible ways to make amends, but I had no idea what to buy to say that I was sorry I'd been a jerk after sex. It'd never been a problem for me before. I always made sure my partners knew I wasn't looking for a relationship, so if they ended up with unrealistic expectations, that was their own fault, not mine.
I wanted to be angry at her for not having told me, but she hadn't been the one acting weird about it. That'd all been on me.
I was still trying to decide whether flowers or jewelry would be the best thing to give her when my email pinged, telling me I had a message. I pulled it up, read it...and then read it again.
“Oh, hell, no.”
Despite the late hour, I managed to catch a cab to take me to Tanya's place. Fortunately, the traffic was light, so it didn't take us too long to get there. I tossed a couple bills at the driver and headed inside, taking the stairs two at a time. The lack of security I noticed the first time I'd been here bothered me even more now, but I pushed that thought to the back of my mind. We'd deal with her safety after I took care of this joke of a resignation she'd sent me.
I pounded on the door, realized I was probably waking her neighbors, and then decided I didn't care.
“Open up, Tanya! I'm not accepting this damn resignation, so you might as well let me in so we can talk.”
I heard locks sliding, and then the door opened. Her face was blank, her arms crossed, mouth flat. I couldn't read her expression, but I could still feel the anger and pain radiating off her.
“You want to do this here and wake up your neighbors?” The question came out harsher than I'd intended, but she stepped back, so I counted it a win.
I stepped past her, catching a whiff of those damn calla lilies. It had to be shampoo or body wash. And immediately on the heels of that thought came images of her in the shower. Water coursing over those curves. A lather of floral bubbles slipping over her skin. Her hands on her breasts, between her legs...
Fuck.
“Is there something I can help you with, Mr. Sanders? Because I have a busy day tomorrow.”
My eyes narrowed at the words, and I took a step toward her. She stiffened but didn't step back. “A busy day? I'd think with one less book to represent, your day would have freed up considerably.”
She raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything.
I glared down at her. “I don't accept your resignation.” When she opened her mouth to argue, I kept going. “I chose you for my book because you believed in it. As long as you still do, I'm not taking it to Jai.”
Something flickered across her eyes, and it hit me that she thought I'd picked her because I wanted her in my bed. While I couldn't deny my attraction had been from moment one, I wasn't that sort of man, and the idea that she could think that about me hurt. Then I realized that I'd hurt her even worse, and my anger softened.
I lowered my voice. “I didn't choose you because I wanted to sleep with you.” I reached for her, frowning when she tensed. I brushed my hand down the soft cotton of her robe. “I'm sorry about being an ass earlier. I was caught off guard, and I lashed out. It's all on me.”
Something flickered across her expression but vanished before I could name it.
“Apology accepted.” Her voice still held no warmth. “But I don't know if it's a good idea for me to keep working with you.”
I let my fingers brush against her cheek as I tucked some hair behind her ear. It was longer than I'd realized, almost to her waist. “Well, I think it's a good idea because I don't want anyone else representing my work.”
I could see her battling with herself. She wanted it, and I was pretty sure she still wanted me too. Now that I'd gotten over the initial shock, I found her inexperience not only intriguing, but exciting. I'd written a book where a Dom introduced an innocent virgin to his world, and now I was practically living it. And I wanted it. Badly.
“And I don't want anyone else going over scenes with me.” I took another step toward her, closing the distance between us to only a couple inches. “What do you say, sweetheart? We were hot together, and I know you weren't faking how hard I made you come. I promise I won't be a jerk again. We can have some fun, enjoy our time together, and then part ways civilly when we've had enough.” I paused and then added, “But if you don't want anything other than a professional relationship, I'll accept it and won't ask again.”
I hated not being in control of the situation, but I'd never forced a woman into something she didn't want, and I didn't intend to do it now. Still, I wanted to kiss her again, coax her indecisiveness into submission, remind her how good I could make her feel, but she wasn't like any other woman I'd ever been with. She had to make this decision without any persuading from me, or it wouldn't work.
After a pause that seemed to last for hours, she nodded. “Okay.”
“Okay?” I repeated, then shook my head, amused. “That's the best response you could think of?”
She scowled at me, but her eyes were sparkling, so I knew she wasn't mad anymore. “Were you looking for more enthusiasm?”
I shrugged. “Couldn't hurt.”
“Well, too bad,” she countered. “I don't do the whole cheerleader thing.”
Her comment was innocent, but the thought of her putting on an NYU cheerleading outfit – sans panties – sent my blood rushing south. I ran my gaze down her body, realizing for the first time that I'd probably gotten her out of bed.
Which meant that whatever she was wearing under that robe was what she normally slept in.
A hundred possibilities danced through my mind. Tiny shorts and an even tinier s
hirt. A silk nightshirt without anything under it. Daring lingerie.
Nothing.
Fuck.
I had to know.
“I know it's late.” I crossed that last bit of distance between us. “But I'd like to make up for my previous bad behavior.”
Color flooded her cheeks. “Erik...”
Damn, I loved hearing her say my name. “I'm thinking maybe the scene from chapter twelve.”
Her eyes widened, and I knew she remembered which one I was talking about. Now the ball was in her court. Whatever she decided, I'd do without arguing.
Chapter Fifteen
Tanya
Not for the first time since I met Erik, I felt like I had to be dreaming. There was no way, after how he'd treated me, he'd come here to apologize, and then say that he wanted to have sex with me again. Not just once, but until we decided we'd “had enough.” And now he wanted us to go through the scene in chapter twelve.
I knew my expression didn't show any of the anxiety I had knotting inside me, but it didn't make me any less torn. Or embarrassed. Embarrassed because I wanted him again. I'd gone my whole life without sex, and it'd never been an issue. I'd always assumed my sex drive was low enough that I could take or leave sex. But now that I'd had it, I wanted more. Except I didn't think I wanted sex in general. I wanted it with him.
I had no doubt that he could separate feelings and sex, that it would be no problem for him to move on once he got bored.
The real question was, could I? I'd never considered casual sex as an option, but I'd never completely thought it through though. I'd never cared enough to think about it that much.
Erik was standing close enough that I could smell the soap he'd used to clean up, and it made my stomach twist, but not because of nerves.
My brain told me this might be a bad idea, and my heart agreed, but the rest of my body said I should try it out.