However, and this is just another way of putting my whole dilemma, the grandiose thinker of the above thoughts had to coexist in me with a timid conscientious person full of sensitive moral scruples and conventional fears. Arnold was someone to be reckoned with. If it should come to it, had I the nerve to provoke and to face Arnold’s just anger? Christian was also someone to be reckoned with. I had not even begun to settle the matter of Christian in my mind. She prowled in my consciousness. I wanted to see her again. I even felt about her bright new friendship with Arnold an emotion which strongly resembled jealousy. Her vital prying faintly wrinkled face appeared in my dreams. Was Rachel strong enough to protect me from such a menace? Perhaps this was what it was all about, my search for a protector.
I was much struck in retrospect by Rachel’s cry about her husband: he is our slave. What an extraordinary thing to say and how much I had felt at the time that I understood it. Yet what did it mean? And could it be true without other awful things being true as well? Ought I not to decide that everything here was trivial? Was this very brooding not itself a sin? A ‘feeling of destiny’ can lead too into the most idiotic of servitudes. A dramatic sense of oneself is probably something which one ought never to have and which saints are entirely without. However not being a saint I could not effectively follow up that line of thought very far. The best I could do by way of penance was to try to think more carefully about Arnold: and even that induced a certain histrionic pleasure. I decided I must see Arnold soon and (but how?) talk frankly with him. Was he not the key figure? What did I really feel about him? The question was interesting. I decided, and the decision brought some peace, that I must talk at length with Arnold before seeing Rachel again.
So I reflected, attempting to achieve calm. But by about five o‘clock of that same day I was in a frenzy again, an obscure frenzy. What was this, love, sex, art? I felt that strong urge to do something, to act, which often afflicts people in unanalysable dilemmas. If one can only act, depart, return, send a letter, one can ease the anxiety which is really fear of the future in the form of fear of the darkness of one’s present desires: ‘dread’, such as philosophers speak of, which is not so much really an experience of void as the appalling sense that one is in the grip of some very strong but as yet undeclared motive. Under the influence of this feeling I put my review of Arnold’s book into an envelope and posted it off to him. But first of all I read it carefully through.
Arnold Baffin’s new book will delight his many admirers. It is, what readers often and innocently want, ‘the mixture as before’. It tells of a stockbroker who, at the age of fifty, decides to become a monk. His course is thwarted by the sister of his abbot – to – be, an intense lady returned from the east, who attempts to convert the hero to Buddhism. These two indulge in very long discussions of religion. The climax comes when the abbot (a Christ figure he) is killed by an immense bronze crucifix which accidentally (or is it accidentally?) falls upon him while he is celebrating mass.
Such a novel is typical of Arnold Baffin’s work. The blurb says: ‘Baffin’s new book succeeds in being both serious and funny. It is a profound study of comparative religion which is also as gripping as a thriller.’ Is it ungenerous to carp? What the blurb claims is at least partly true. The book is quite serious and quite funny. (Most novels are.) It contains a vague and casual and I thought rather boring study of comparative religion. One misses the bite and savour of real thought, and there is not even the pretence of scholarship. (The author confuses Mahayana and Theravada and seems to imagine that Sufism is a form of Buddhism!) The story, when one can get at it, is certainly melodramatic, though I would be inclined to describe it as being ‘a thriller’ rather than as being ‘like a thriller’. The sequence where the heroine, who has put herself into a trance to overcome the pain of a broken ankle, is nearly drowned by an overflowing reservoir is pure ‘Cowboys and Indians’. Naturally the film rights have already been sold. However one must ask not just, is it amusing, is it exciting, but is it a work of art? And the answer to this question in this case, and I fear in the case of the rest of Mr Baffin’s œuvre, is alas no.
Mr Baffin is a fluent writer. He is a prolific writer. It may indeed be this facility which is his worst enemy. It is a quality which can be mistaken for imagination. And if the artist himself so mistakes it he is doomed. The writer who is facile needs, to become a writer of any merit, one quality above all; and that is courage: the courage to destroy, the courage to wait. Mr Baffin, judging by his output, is incapable of either destroying or waiting. Only genius can afford ‘never to blot a line’, and Mr Baffin is no genius. The power of imagination only condescends to lesser men if they are prepared to work, and work consists very often of simply refusing all formulations which have not achieved the density, the special state of fusion, which is the unmistakable mark of art ...
And so on for another two thousand words. When I had folded this up and posted it I felt a solid, but still rather mysterious, sense of satisfaction. My action would at least precipitate a new phase in our relationship, too long stagnant. I even thought it possible that this careful assessment of his work might actually do Arnold good.
That evening Priscilla seemed to be a little bit better. She slept all the afternoon and woke up saying she was hungry. However she took only a little of the clear soup and chicken which Francis had prepared. Francis, my view of whom was undergoing modification, had taken over the kitchen. He came back with no change from my pound, but with a fairly plausible account of how he had spent it. He had also fetched a sleeping bag from his digs and said he would sleep in the sitting – room. He seemed humble and grateful. I was busy stifling my misgiving about the risk of so ‘engaging’ him. For I had decided, though I had not yet told Priscilla, that I would shortly depart for Patara leaving Francis in charge. That much of the future I had settled. How Rachel would fit in was yet unclear. I imagined myself writing her long emotional letters. I had also had a long and reassuring conversation with my doctor on the telephone. (About myself.)
For the moment, however, behold me sitting with Priscilla and Francis. A domestic interior. It is about ten o’clock in the evening and the curtains are drawn.
Priscilla was again wearing my pyjamas, the cuffs liberally turned back. She was drinking some hot chocolate which Francis had made for her. Francis and I were drinking sherry.
Francis was saying, ‘Of course one’s memories of childhood are so odd. Mine look all dark.’
‘How funny,’ said Priscilla, ‘so do mine. It’s as if it’s always a rainy afternoon, that sort of light.’
I said, ‘I suppose we think of the past as a tunnel. The present is lighted. Farther back it gets more shadowy.’
‘Yet,’ said Francis, ‘we often recall the remote past with greater clarity. I can remember going to the synagogue with Christian – ’
‘To the synagogue?’ I said.
Francis was sitting cross – legged in a small armchair, filling it completely, looking like an image in a niche. His floppy wide – legged trousers were stiff with dirt and grease near to the turn – ups. The strained knees thereof were threadbare and shiny and hinted at pink flesh beyond the veil. His hands, podgy and also very dirty, were folded in his lap in a complacent position which looked faintly oriental. He was smiling his red – lipped apologetic smile.
‘Why, yes. We’re Jewish. At least we’re partly Jewish.’
‘I don’t mind your being Jewish. Only oddly enough no one ever told me!’
‘Christian is sort of, well, not exactly ashamed of it – or she was. Our maternal grandparents were Jewish. The other grandparents were goy.’
‘Rather funny about Christian’s name, isn’t it?’
‘Yes. Our mother was a Christian convert. At least, she was the slave of our father, an awful bully. You never met our parents, did you? He wouldn’t have anything to do with our Jewish background. He made our mother break off relations. Calling Christian “Christian” was part of the campaign.’
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‘Yet you went to the synagogue?’
‘Only once, we were quite small. Dad was ill and we stayed with the grandpops. They were very keen for us to go. At least for me to go. They didn’t care what Christian did, she was a girl. And her name disgusted them, though they did call her by her other one.’
‘zoé. Yes. I remember her getting her initials C.Z.P. put on a rather expensive suitcase – God.’
‘He killed my mother, I think.’
‘Who did?’
‘My father. She was supposed to have died after falling downstairs. He was a very violent man. He beat me horribly.’
‘Why did I never know – Ah well – The things that happen in marriage – murdering your wife, not knowing she’s Jewish – ’
‘Christian got to know a lot of Jews in America, I think that made a difference – ’
I stared at Francis. When you find out that somebody is Jewish they look different. I had only after many years of knowing him discovered that Hartbourne was a Jew. He immediately began to look much cleverer.
Priscilla was restive at being left out of the conversation. Her hands moved ceaselessly, creasing the sheet up into little fan – like shapes. Her face was thickly patchily powdered. She had combed her hair. Every now and then she sighed, making a woo – woo – woo sound with a palpitating lower lip.
‘Do you remember hiding in the shop?’ she said to me. ‘We used to lie on the shelves under the counter and we’d think the counter was a boat and we were in our bunks and the boat was sailing? And when Mummy called us we’d just lie there ever so quietly – it was – oh it was exciting – ’
‘And the door with the curtain on it and we’d stand behind the curtain and when someone opened the door we’d move quietly back underneath the curtain.’
‘And the things on the upper shelves that had been there for years. Big old dried – up inkpots and bits of china that had got chipped.’
‘I often dream about the shop.’
‘So do I. About once a week.’
‘Isn’t that odd. I always feel frightened, it’s always a nightmare.’
‘When I dream about it,’ said Priscilla, ‘it’s always empty, huge and empty, a wooden shell, counter and shelves and boxes, all empty.’
‘You know what the shop means, of course,’ said Francis. ‘The womb.’
‘The empty womb,’ said Priscilla. She made her woo – woo – woo sound and began to cry, hiding her eyes behind the large pendant sleeve of my pyjama jacket.
‘Oh bosh,’ I said.
‘No, not empty. You’re in it. You’re remembering your life in the womb.’
‘Rubbish! How could you remember that! And how could anyone ever prove it anyway? Now, Priscilla, do stop, it’s time you went to sleep.’
‘I’ve slept all day – I can’t sleep now – ’
‘You will,’ said Francis. ‘There was a sleeping pill in your chocolate.’
‘You’re drugging me. Roger tried to poison me – ’
I motioned Francis away and he left the room murmuring, ‘Sorry, sorry, sorry.’
‘Oh, whatever shall I do – ’
‘Go to sleep.’
‘Bradley, you won’t let them certify me, will you? Roger said once I was mad and he’d have me certified and shut up.’
‘He ought to be certified and shut up.’
‘Bradley, whatever will happen to me? I’ll have to kill myself, there’s nothing else to do. I can’t go back to Roger, he was killing my mind, he was making me mad. He’d break things and say I’d done it and couldn’t remember.’
‘He’s a very bad man.’
‘No, I’m bad, so bad, I said such cruel things to him. I’m sure he went with girls. I found a handkerchief once. And I only use Kleenex.’
‘Settle down, Priscilla. I’ll do your pillows.’
‘Hold my hand, Bradley.’
‘I’m holding it!’
‘Is wanting to kill yourself a sign of going mad?’
‘No. Anyway, you don’t want to kill yourself. You’re just a bit depressed.’
‘“Depressed”! Oh if you knew what it’s like to be me. I feel as if I were made of old rags, a corpse made of old rags. Oh Bradley, don’t leave me, I shall go mad in the night.’
‘Do you remember when we were very small we used to tell Mummy to stay awake all night and look after us? And she’d say she would, and we’d be asleep the next moment and she’d creep away.’
‘And the night – light. Bradley, do you think I could have a night – light ?’
‘I haven’t got one and it’s too late. I’ll get one tomorrow. The lamp is just beside you, you can turn it on.’
‘At Christian’s there was a fanlight over the door and the light shone in from the corridor.’
‘I’ll leave the door ajar, you’ll see the landing light.’
‘I think I’d die of terror in the dark, my thoughts would kill me.’
‘Look, Priscilla, I’m going into the country the day after tomorrow for a while to work. You’ll be all right here with Francis – ’
‘No, no, no, Bradley, you mustn’t leave me, Roger might come – ’
‘He won’t come, I know he won’t – ’
‘I’d die of shame and fear if Roger came – Oh my life is so awful, it’s just so awful to be me, you don’t know what it’s like waking every morning and finding the whole horror of being yourself still there. Bradley, you won’t go away, will you, I haven’t anybody but you.’
‘All right, all right – ’
‘You promise you won’t go, you promise – ?’
‘I won’t go – not yet – ’
‘Say “promise”, say it, say the word – ’
‘ “Promise”.’
‘My mind’s all hazy.’
‘That’s sleep. Good night, there’s a good girl. I’ll leave the door ajar a little. Francis and I will be quite near.’
She protested still, but I left her and returned to the sitting – room. Only one lamp was lit and the room was ruddy and dusky. There were murmurs from the bedroom, then silence. I felt exhausted. It had been a long day.
‘What’s that vile smell ?’
‘It’s the gas, Brad. I couldn’t find the matches.’
Francis was sitting on the floor beside the glowing gas fire with the bottle of sherry. The level in the bottle had dropped considerably.
‘Of course you can’t remember being in the womb,’ I told him. ‘It’s impossible.’
‘It isn’t impossible. You can.’
‘Nonsense.’
‘We can remember what it was like when we were in the womb and our parents had sex.’
‘If you can believe that you can believe anything.’
‘I’m sorry I upset Priscilla.’
‘She keeps talking about suicide. They say if people talk about suicide they don’t do it.’
‘That’s not so. I think she could.’
‘Would you stay with her if I went away?’
‘Of course, I’d only want board and lodging and a bit – ’
‘I can’t go though. Oh God.’ I leaned back against one of the armchairs and closed my eyes. The calm image of Rachel rose before me like a tropical moon. I wanted to talk to Francis about myself, but I could only talk in riddles. I said, ‘Priscilla’s husband is in love with a young girl. They’ve been lovers for ages. He’s so happy now he’s got rid of Priscilla. He’s going to marry the girl. I haven’t told Priscilla, of course. Isn’t falling in love odd? It can happen to anyone at any time.’
‘So,’ said Francis. ‘Priscilla is in hell. Well, we all are. Life is torture, consciousness is torture. All our little devices are just morphia to stop us from screaming.’
‘No, no,’ I said, ‘good things can happen. Like, well, like falling in love.’
‘We’re each of us screaming away in our own private padded cell.’
‘Not at all. When one really loves somebody – ’
‘
So you’re in love,’ said Francis.
‘Certainly not!’
‘With who? Well, I know actually and can tell you.’
‘What you saw this morning – ’
‘Oh, I don’t mean her.’
‘Who then?’
‘Arnold Baffin.’
‘You mean I’m in love with – ? What perfectly obscene nonsense!’
‘And he’s in love with you. Why has he taken up with Christian, why have you taken up with Rachel?’
‘I haven’t – ’
‘Just to make the other one jealous. You’re both unconsciously trying to bring about a new phase in your relationship. Why do you have nightmares about empty shops, why are you obsessed with the Post Office Tower, why do you keep worrying about smells – ’
‘It’s Priscilla who dreams about empty shops, my shops are crammed – ’
‘Well, there you are!’
‘And every man in London is obsessed with the Post Office Tower, and – ’
‘Have you never realized that you’re a repressed homosexual ?’
‘Look,’ I said, ‘I’m grateful to you for your help with Priscilla. And don’t misunderstand me, I am a completely tolerant man. I have no objection to homosexuality. Let others do as they please. But I just happen to be a completely normal heterosexual – ’
‘One must accept one’s body, one must learn to relax. Your thing about smells is a guilt complex because of your repressed tendencies, you won’t accept your body, it’s a well – known neurosis – ’
‘I am not a neurotic!’
‘You’re trembling with nerves and sensibility – ’
‘Of course I am, I’m an artist!’
‘You have to pretend to be an artist because of Arnold, you identify with him – ’
‘I discovered him!’ I shouted. ‘I was writing long before him, I was well known when he was in the cradle!’
‘Sssh, you’ll wake Priscilla. The emotion rubs off on the women, but the source of the emotion is you and Arnold, you’re crazy about each other – ’