‘Oh that. That’s simply a convention. It doesn’t touch us at all.’
‘It does touch us,’ I said. I felt its touch.
‘Is that all you meant?’
I hesitated. ‘Yes.’ There was much that I would have some day to lay before her. But not today.
‘It’s not—’
‘Oh Julian, you don’t know me, you don’t know me—’
‘It’s not Christian?’
‘What? Christian? God no!’
‘Thank heaven. You know, Bradley, when I heard my father talking about bringing you and Christian together I felt such a pang – and that was before – perhaps that began to make me realize how I really felt about you – ’
‘Like Emma and Mr Knightley.’
‘Yes, exactly. You see, ever since I’ve known you you’ve always been alone, just sort of absolutely there, like solitary people are.’
‘A pillar in the desert.’
‘And I was worrying about Christian last night too—’
‘No, no, Chris is a nice person and I don’t even hate her any more, but she’s nothing to me. You have let me out of so many cages. I’ll tell you – later — in the time – that we’ve got.’
‘Well, if it’s not that, the age business doesn’t matter a pin, lots of girls prefer older men. So everything’s quite clear and plain. I didn’t say anything to my parents last night or this morning, as I wanted to be sure you hadn’t changed. But I’ll tell them today – ’
‘Wait a minute! What’ll you say to them?’
‘That I love you and want to marry you.’
‘Julian! It’s impossible! Julian, I’m older than you think – ’
‘Older than the rocks among which you sit. Yes, yes, we know that!’
‘It’s impossible.’
‘Bradley, you aren’t making any sense. Why do you look like that? You do really love me, don’t you? You don’t just want a love affair and then good – bye?’
‘Not – I really love you – ’
‘Isn’t that something for ever?’
‘Yes. Real love is about for ever – and this is real love – but – ’
‘But what?’
‘You said we’d move slowly and get to know each other slowly – all this has happened so fast – I’m sure you shouldn’tin any way commit yourself—’
‘I don’t mind committing myself. That won’t stop us being slow and patient and all that. Anyway, we already know each other, I’ve known you all my life, you’re my Mr Knightley, and the age gap there—’
‘Julian, I think we must keep this thing secret for a while.’
‘Why?’
‘Because you may change your mind.’
‘Or because you may?’
‘I won’t. But you don’t know me, you can’t. And I’m more than old enough to be your father.’
‘Do you think I care—?’
‘No, but society does and you will one day. You’ll see me getting older—’
‘Bradley, that’s soft.’
‘I’d very much rather you didn’t tell your parents at present.’
‘All right,’ she said, after a pause, drawing apart from me, kneeling there, her face suddenly childish with doubt.
The shadow between us was unbearable to me. If I was embarked upon this thing let me be embarked. I would have to trust myself completely to her sense of truth, even to her naïvety, even to her inexperience, even to her foolishness. I said, ‘My perfect darling, you must do whatever you feel is right to do. I leave it entirely to you. I love you absolutely and I trust you absolutely and what will be will be.’
‘You think the parents won’t like it?’
‘They’ll hate it.’
After that we talked a bit more about Christian and about my marriage and about Priscilla. We talked about Julian’s childhood and the times when we had been together. We talked about when I might have started to love her, and about when she might have started to love me. We did not talk about the future. We continued to sit upon the floor like shy animals, like children, stroking each other’s hands and each other’s hair. We kissed, not often. I sent her away about midday. I felt we should not exhaust each other. We needed to brood and to recover. Of course there was no question of going to bed.
‘You don’t quite understand,’ I said. ‘I am not proposing to go away.’
Rachel and Arnold were occupying the two armchairs in my sitting – room. I was sitting on Julian’s chair beside the window. There was a murky cloudy light and I had just turned the lamps on. It was the same day, late afternoon.
‘What do you propose to do then?’ said Arnold.
He had telephoned. Then he and Rachel had arrived. They had, there is no other word for it, marched in. Their presence was like that of an occupying army. To confront familiar people who are suddenly unsmiling and tense with anger and shock is very frightening. I felt frightened. I knew they would ‘hate it’. But I had not expected this big united hostile will. Their sheer incredulity, feigned or otherwise, silenced me, put me to flight. I could explain nothing and felt that I was creating some entirely false impression. Also I knew that I was not only seeming but also feeling appallingly guilty.
‘To stay here,’ I said, ‘see a bit of the girl I suppose – ’
‘You mean lead her on?’ said Rachel.
‘To act naturally, get to know her better – After all we – love each other it appears – and – ’
‘Bradley, get back to reality,’ said Arnold. ‘Stop blithering. You’re in some sort of dream world at the moment. You’re nearly sixty. Julian is twenty. She said at the start that you’d tcld her your age and that she didn’t mind, but you can’t mean to take advantage of a sentimental schoolgirl who is flattered by your attentions—’
‘She’s not a schoolgirl,’ I said.
‘She’s very immature,’ said Rachel, ‘and very easily taken in, and—’
‘I am not taking her in! I’ve told her that the age difference makes this thing practically impossible—’
‘It makes it entirely impossible,’ said Arnold.
‘She said the most extraordinary things this afternoon,’ said Rachel. ‘I can’t think what you can have been saying to her.’
‘I didn’t want her to tell you.’
‘So you suggested that she should deceive her parents?’
‘No, no, not like that – ’
‘I can’t make out what has happened,’ said Rachel. ‘Did you suddenly feel this – urge or whatever it was – and then go and tell her that you found her attractive, and then make a pass at her, or what? What has happened exactly? This must be fairly new?’
‘It is new,’ I said. ‘But it’s very serious. I didn’t foresee it or will it, it happened. And then when it turned out that she felt the same—’
‘Bradley,’ said Arnold, ‘what you are saying describes nothing which could possibly have happened in the real world. All right, you suddenly felt that she was an attractive girl. London’s full of attractive girls. And it’s nearly mid – summer and you are, perhaps, reaching the age when men make asses of themselves. I’ve known several people who started sowing some rather unsavoury wild oats at sixty, it’s not unusual. But given that you felt randy about my daughter, why the hell didn’t you keep quiet about it instead of annoying and upsetting her and confusing her—’
‘She’s not annoyed or upset – ’
‘She was this afternoon,’ said Rachel.
‘Well, you annoyed and upset her—’
‘Why couldn’t you act like a gentleman – ’
‘And she’s a good deal less confused than I am. I’m sorry, but your words simply don’t describe anything here. There are huge cosmic forces at work here. Maybe you just don’t know about them. Now I come to think of it, Arnold, you’ve never in any of your books really described what it’s like to be in love—’
Rachel said, ‘You talk as if you were fifteen. Of course everyone knows about being in lo
ve. That’s not the point. The details of what you so suddenly imagine that you feel are your affair. They’re just as uninteresting as someone telling their dreams. Julian is certainly not “in love”, whatever you suppose that to mean here, with you. She’s a very unsophisticated child who thinks it very exciting and amusing that an elderly friend of her father’s should pay this sort of attention to her. If you could have seen her this afternoon, telling us all about it and laughing, laughing. She was just like a child with a toy.’
‘But you said she was upset – ’
‘We told her it was a bad joke.’
I thought, my darling, I trust you, I trust you, and I know. I will keep faith with your faith. But at the same time I felt pain and fright. Could I, after what had happened, now doubt it all? She was so very young. And it was indeed, as they said, something very new in the world. When I thought how new I was amazed at the degree of my certainty. But there, above the doubt, was the certainty.
‘I can see that you are listening to us at last,’ said Arnold. ‘Bradley, you are a decent rational man and a moral being. You can’t seriously propose to settle down and explore this emotional mess with Julian? I call it an emotional mess, but thank God it hasn’t had time to develop into one. Nor will it do so. I shall stop it.’
‘I don’t know what we shall do,’ I said. ‘I agree that the whole thing is fantastic. It’s almost too good to be true that Julian should love me. It may even not be true. It has surprised me very much indeed. But I am certainly not going now to let the matter drop. I am not going to go quietly away as you suggested earlier, I am not going to stop seeing Julian, I can’t. I must find out whether she really loves me or not. Though what follows if she does I don’t know at all, perhaps nothing. All this is extremely unusual and may turn out to be very painful, especially to me. I don’t want to cause her pain. I don’t think I can do her harm. But at this particular point we can’t either of us stop. That’s all.’
‘She can stop and she will,’ said Arnold. ‘Even if I have to lock her in her bedroom.’
‘Of course you can stop,’ said Rachel. ‘Try to be honest! And do stop saying “we”. You can’t answer for Julian. You haven’t been to bed with her, have you?’
‘Oh Christ, Christ,’ said Arnold, of course he hasn’t, he’s not a criminal.’
‘No, I haven’t.’
‘And you won’t.’
‘Rachel, I don’t know! Please realize that you are talking to a mad person.’
‘So you actually admit to being irrational and irresponsible and dangerous!’
‘Arnold, please don’t get so angry. You are both frightening me and confusing me and that does no good. When I said mad I didn’t mean irresponsible – I feel as responsible as if – I’d been given something – I don’t know – the bloody grail – I swear I won’t press her or bother her – I’ll leave her quite free – she is quite free—’
‘You know this is nonsense,’ said Arnold, ‘and anyway you’re contradicting yourself. If you pester her now you’ll make her emotional about you, you’ll make a situation between you. Naturally that’s what you want. Of course she doesn’t feel anything serious about you, even you seem to realize that it’s all in your mind. Just think what a child she is! And please, understand this, I will not have any “situation” coming into being between you and my daughter. There will be no meetings, no interesting discussions, no exploration of feelings, nothing. See this. please. See that I regard you in this context as if you were some filthy lustful old man who was following her in the street. I will be ruthless about this, Bradley. And it’s the kindest thing to be. You will leave Julian alone. I will protect her from you by imprisoning her, by taking her out of the country, if necessary by lawyers and by police and by physical force. Do not imagine that you can even write to her, she will be completely defended against you. You will never reach her, I am not going to let this thing start. My God, just put yourself in my place! Make up your mind to that now and do the decent and sensible thing and leave London at once. You were going to go anyway. Please go. Of course it will all blow over. I’m not suggesting that you never see her or us again, of course not. But I recognize that you’re in a stupid state of mind at present and I am not going to have my daughter involved in any way, however superficially or histrionically or inconclusively, with an elderly man. The idea sickens me and I will not permit it.’
There was a moment’s silence after this speech. I stared at Arnold. He had been sitting very still, speaking quietly but with a spitting staccato emphasis and with that sort of ‘edge’ to the voice which is intended to terrify. His face under his pale hair was flushed bright pink like a girl’s. I tried to check my fear with anger, but could not. I said in a small voice, ‘Your eloquence suggests to me that Julian did after all convince you both that she was in love.’
‘She doesn’t know what she feels—’
‘This isn’t the eighteenth century – ’
‘Come!’ Arnold got up, and motioned with his head to Rachel who rose too. ‘We’ve said what we came to say. We’ll leave you to – digest it – see there’s only one course for you to – adopt – ’
I opened the sitting – room door. I said, ‘Arnold, please don’t be so angry with me. I haven’t done anything wrong.’
‘Yes, you have,’ said Rachel. ‘You spoke to her about your feelings.’
‘All right. I shouldn’t have. But to love somebody isn’t a sin, there’s good in this, we’ll find a way to make it – all good – I won’t bother her – if you like I won’t see her for a week – let her think things over – ’
‘It won’t do,’ said Arnold, more gently. ‘Any sort of half – measures will only make things worse. You must see that, Bradley. Christ, you don’t want a mess any more than we do. You must go away. If you see her you’ll just make more drama. Best thing for all is stop, absolutely, now. Do see it. Sorry.’
Arnold went out of the sitting – room and opened the door of the flat.
Rachel passed me and as she did so she shrank from me and her mouth gave a little wince of disgust. She said tonelessly, ‘I want you to know, Bradley, that Arnold and I are entirely united in this matter.’
‘Forgive me, Rachel.’
She went on out of the flat, turning her back on me.
Arnold came back. He said, ‘There’s no need just now to act on the letter I sent you. Could I have it back?’
‘I’ve destroyed it.’
He stood a moment. ‘All right. I’m sorry I shouted at you. Will you please give me your word that you won’t try to see Julian until I permit it?’
‘No.’
‘Well. I will not allow any harm to my daughter. Be sure of that. Be – warned.’
He went out, closing the front door softly. I was panting with emotion. I ran to the telephone and dialled the Ealing number. There was a pause and then the high buzz of ‘number unobtainable’. I dialled several times, with the same result. I felt as if I had been cut off by an axe at the knees. I held my head in a violent grip, trying to compose myself and think. The urgency of the need to see Julian seethed all round me, blotting out my vision. I was being blinded and stung to death by bees. I was suffocating. I ran out into the court and began to walk at random along Charlotte Street, then along Windmill Street, then along Tottenham Court Road. After a while it began to seem probable that if I did not take some violent and decisive action soon I would collapse. I hailed a taxi and told the man to drive to Ealing.
I stood under the copper beech at the corner of the road. I put my hand on the close – grained trunk of the tree and it felt absurdly there, complacent with indifferent reality. It was evening now, twilight time, the evening of that same lengthy fantastic eventful day.
The evening was overcast, the dour thick light turning a little purple, the air warm and motionless. I could smell dust, as if the quiet tedious streets all around me had dissolved into endless dunes of dust. I thought about this morning and how we had seemed to h
ave all the time in the world. And now there seemed to be no more time. I also thought that if only I had had the wit to take that taxi at once I might have arrived here before Arnold and Rachel. What was happening? I crossed the road and began to walk slowly down on the other side.
At the Baffins’ house lights were on down below, shining from the curtained dining – room window and through the oval stained glass of the front door. There was one lighted window above, also curtained, that of Arnold’s study. Julian’s room was at the back, next to the room where I had seen Rachel lying with the sheet over her face, and where, God forgive me, I had lain too, keeping my shirt on. One day I would tell all this to Julian. One day she would be the just judge who understands and forgives. I did not fear her. And even in those seconds, and even as I wondered with anguish whether I would ever see her again, I lived with her in some angelic timeless world of quiet communication and absolute understanding.
I stood now upon the opposite pavement and regarded the house and wondered what to do. I considered the idea of hanging around until three o’clock in the morning and then penetrating into the garden and using one of Arnold’s ladders to climb up to Julian’s window. But I did not want to become a nightmare figure to her, a night intruder, a secret man. The greatness of this morning had been its lucid openness. This morning I had felt like a cave – dweller emerging into the sun. She was the truth of my life. I would not become a sort of burglar or pickpocket in hers. Besides. There were so many unknown things. What was she thinking now ?
As I stood there in that thick oppressive urban dusk breathing the breath of fear, smelling the dunes of dust, I became aware of being looked at by a figure standing in the long unlighted landing window of the house I was studying. I could see the figure framed in the window and the pallor of the face regarding me. It was Rachel. We looked at each other in an awful immobility of quietness for about a minute. Then I turned away, like an animal from a human stare, and began to pace the pavement, to and fro, to and fro, waiting. The street lamps came on.
After about five minutes Arnold came out. I recognized his figure though I could not see his face. I began to walk back up the road towards the copper beech and he followed, then walked beside me in silence. A close – by lamp post was illuminating one side of the tree, making the leaves a transparent glowing winey purple, and separating them out with clear shadows, each from each. We stepped into the rich gathered darkness underneath the tree, trying to see each other’s faces.