Annada-babu could not bring himself to be courteous with Ramesh. He found it difficult to even look at him. On his part, Ramesh sat in silence all the while, paying his respects to Annada-babu once more before leaving.
57
Kshemankari told Kamala, ‘I have invited Hem and her father to eat with us tomorrow, Ma. What kind of preparations should we make? We have to serve a meal which will assure Hem’s father that his daughter will eat well here. But then, considering how well you cook, I am sure it will be a feast. My son has never commented on the food before but last night he couldn’t stop praising you. You look sickly today, Ma, aren’t you well?’
Summoning a smile to her face, Kamala said, ‘I am fine, Ma.’
Kshemankari shook her head. ‘No, you’re probably missing your family. And well you might, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. I consider you my own daughter, if something here doesn’t suit you, or if you want to meet someone from your family, you must tell me.’
‘No, Ma, I want nothing more than to serve you,’ said Kamala ardently.
Paying no attention, Kshemankari said, ‘Why don’t you spend a few days at your uncle’s house? You can come back when you want to.’
Kamala protested, saying, ‘As long as I’m with you, I don’t worry about anyone in the world, Ma. If I do something wrong, punish me, but don’t send me away even for a day.’
Touching Kamala’s cheek, Kshemankari said, ‘That’s why I say you were my mother in a previous life. Now go to bed, Ma, you don’t get a moment’s rest all day.’
Going to her bedroom, Kamala shut the door, put out the lamp, and sat on the floor. After a long time spent in thought, she told herself, ‘How is it possible to stand guard over what I have lost because of ill fate? I must prepare myself to give up everything; I will only guard with all my life the opportunity to be of service. May God let me do it with a smile, without asking for more. If I cannot accept with joy what I have received despite my suffering, if I am despondent, I shall lose everything.’
She resolved with determination, ‘Let me not allow any sadness from tomorrow, let me not be unhappy even for a moment, let there be no desire for what I cannot hope to get. I shall serve, as long as I am alive I shall only serve, I shall ask for nothing more, nothing more, nothing more.’
Kamala went to bed, tossing and turning for a long time before finally falling asleep. She woke up several times and each time she told herself like an incantation, ‘I shall ask for nothing, ask for nothing, ask for nothing.’ At dawn, she joined her palms together as soon as she awoke, saying with all her heart, ‘I shall serve you till death, I shall ask for nothing, for nothing, for nothing.’
Quickly she washed, discarded her overnight clothes, and entered Nalinaksha’s tiny meditation room. She cleaned the room with the end of her sari and put the mat in its proper place before rushing off for a dip in the Ganga. On Nalinaksha’s heartfelt request, Kshemankari had given up her pre-dawn bath. So Umesh had to accompany Kamala on this freezing cold morning.
Returning from the river, Kamala went to meet Kshemankari cheerfully. About to leave for her own bath, she said, ‘Why did you go so early? You could have come with me.’
‘There’s so much to do today, Ma,’ said Kamala. ‘I’ll slice the vegetables that were bought yesterday, Umesh will get the rest of the things we need.’
‘How clever of you,’ said Kshemankari. ‘The meal will be ready as soon as they arrive.’
Nalinaksha came in, whereupon Kamala quickly drew the end of her sari over her wet hair and darted away. Nalinaksha said, ‘You’re off to the river as soon as you’ve recovered? It’s only been a day since you’ve been well.’
Kshemankari said, ‘Stop being a doctor, Nalin. Even with my dip in the Ganga I won’t be immortal. Are you going out? Come back early today.’
‘Why?’ asked Nalinaksha.
‘I forgot to tell you yesterday, Annada-babu will be here for the blessings ceremony.’
‘Bless me? Why is he suddenly favourably disposed towards me? I meet him every day, after all.’
‘I did it with a pair of bangles for Hemnalini yesterday, now he has to reciprocate too. Anyway, don’t be late, they are eating with us.’
Kshemankari went off to the Ganga. Nalinaksha walked along the road, his head bowed in thought.
58
Fleeing from Ramesh, Hemnalini locked her bedroom door and sat down on the bed. Once she had overcome her emotions, she was assailed by shame. ‘Why could I not have met Ramesh-babu with ease? Why do the qualities I do not want to see in myself always show themselves? I have no faith, none. I cannot waver like this any more.’
She forced herself to open the door and go out. ‘I shall not run away,’ she told herself, ‘I shall conquer.’ She set off again to meet Ramesh. But first she took out the bangles that Kshemankari had given her from the drawer and put them on. The she went determinedly to the garden, as though dressed for battle.
‘Where are you going, Hem?’ Annada-babu asked.
Hemnalini asked, ‘Isn’t Ramesh-babu here? Or Dada?’
‘No, they’ve left.’
Hemnalini was relieved at having escaped her imminent test.
Annada-babu said, ‘Then shall we…’
‘Yes, Baba,’ said Hemnalini. ‘I’ll have a bath and get dressed. It won’t take me long, you can send for a carriage.’
Hemnalini expressed an uncharacteristic enthusiasm for their luncheon invitation. Annada-babu was not taken in by her effusiveness, however. Instead, his anxiety mounted.
Hemnalini returned soon, bathed and dressed. ‘Is the carriage here, Baba?’ she asked.
‘Not yet,’ answered Annada-babu.
Hemnalini paced up and down in the garden while she waited.
Annada-babu remained sitting in the veranda, stroking his head with his fingertips.
When they reached Nalinaksha’s house it was no later than ten-thirty in the morning. Nalinaksha was not back home yet. So it was Kshemankari who had to take on the task of welcoming Annada-babu.
She asked various questions regarding his health and household, throwing occasional glances at Hemnalini. Why was Hem not showing any interest? She was not glowing from the happy event coming up in her life. On the contrary, her distracted eyes betrayed the darkness of despair.
Kshemankari was prone to becoming upset quickly. She was dismayed at Hemnalini’s despondence. ‘Marrying Nalin would be a matter of good fortune for anyone, but is this girl so proud of her education that she does not consider my Nalin worthy of her! What are all this worries and doubts for? The mistake is mine. Even at this ripe old age I have not learnt to be patient. I acted on an impulse. I have fixed Nalin’s marriage with a grown-up woman, but I have not even tried to get to know her. And now there is no time, for the commands have come – I must complete all I have to do.’
These were the thoughts that ran through Kshemankari’s mind as she conversed with Annada-babu. Finding it difficult to continue, she told Annada-babu, ‘Let us not hurry the wedding. Both of them are grown up, they must take their own decisions, it is not right for us to rush them. Not that I know Hem’s mind, but speaking for Nalin, I can tell you that he has not yet made up his mind.’
Kshemankari said this especially for Hemnalini’s benefit. She did not want the other side to assume that while the bride was not well-disposed towards the wedding, her son was ecstatic at the prospect.
Hemnalini had tried her utmost to don a garb of enthusiasm, but her efforts had the opposite effect. Her momentary excitement subsided into deep fatigue. As she entered Kshemankari’s house she was assailed by an anxiety – the new life that she was preparing to step into suddenly appeared to her like a dim, remote mountain trail that she could not negotiate.
Throughout the conversation, Hemnalini’s own lack of faith in herself began to sadden her.
In this situation, with Kshemankari practically withdrawing the marriage proposal, Hemnalini was confronted with contradictory feeling
s in her heart. She wanted to give herself to marriage in order to secure a quick release from her own vacillation and vulnerability, but at the same time she also felt a certain comfort on observing that the plan was about to be buried.
Kshemankari threw a sharp glance at Hemnalini. She felt as though a peaceful tranquillity had finally descended on Hemnalini’s face. Her heart grew hostile towards Hem at once. She told herself, ‘I was about to give away my Nalin rather cheaply.’ She was pleased that he was late getting back. Turning to Hemnalini, she said, ‘Nalinaksha has no sense. He knows you are coming here today, but still there’s no sign of him. He could have worked a little less hard today. Considering how he stops working to stay at home the moment I fall ill, surely it is no great financial loss for him.’
Kshemankari excused herself for a while on the pretext of checking on the preparations for the meal. Her plan was to foist Hemnalini on Kamala while she talked to the innocent old man herself.
She found Kamala lost in thought in a corner of the kitchen, while the rice, already cooked, was on a low fire. Kamala was startled at Kshemankari’s sudden arrival. The next moment she was on her feet, smiling in embarrassment. ‘Oh, and here I was thinking you’re very busy with the cooking,’ said Kshemankari.
‘The food is ready, Ma,’ said Kamala.
‘Then why are you sitting here by yourself, Ma?’ said Kshemankari. ‘Annada-babu is too old for you to be embarrassed about appearing in his presence. Hem is here, why don’t you take her to your room and talk with her? Why should I make her suffer by forcing her to sit with me?’
Rebuffed by Hemnalini, Kshemankari found her affection for Kamala doubling.
Shrinking back, Kamala said, ‘What shall I talk to her about, Ma? She’s so well-educated and I know nothing at all.’
Kshemankari said, ‘What do you mean? You’re no less than any of them, Ma! No matter how highly someone thinks of herself for being educated, who is more worthy of being loved than you? Anyone can be learned by reading books, but can everyone be as perfect as you? Come with me, Ma. But not dressed this way. Today I shall dress you as you deserve to be dressed.’
Kshemankari was intent on proving Hemnalini’s inferiority in every possible way. She wanted her to appear second-best to this barely educated girl even when it came to appearance. Kamala had no opportunity to object. Kshemankari dressed her up expertly, after her own heart, draping her in a turquoise silk sari and doing her hair in the latest fashion. Then she kissed Kamala’s cheeks, charmed, and said, ‘Such a beautiful girl would be suitable only for a king.’
‘They’re waiting, Ma, we’re getting late,’ Kamala interjected from time to time.
‘Let them,’ said Kshemankari. ‘I shall not go till I have dressed you properly.’
When she was done, she said, ‘Come along, Ma, don’t be shy. Even college-going girls with qualifications will be embarrassed when they see you. You can hold your head higher than any of them.’
Kshemankari forced Kamala into the room where Annada-babu and Hemnalini were seated. There they found Nalinaksha in conversation with them. Kamala made to go back, but Kshemankari clung to her. ‘There’s nothing to be embarrassed of, Ma, these are all our people.’
Kshemankari experienced a sense of pride at Kamala’s beauty and attire; she wanted everyone to be dumbstruck by Kamala. Imagining Hemnalini’s contempt for Nalinaksha, the son-obsessed Kshemankari was agitated today. She would be happy to demean Hemnalini in Nalinaksha’s eyes too.
Everyone marvelled at Kamala. The first day that Hemnalini had made her acquaintance, Kamala had not been formally dressed; she had sat forlorn in one corner and not for a long time. Hemnalini had not noticed her properly that day. Today she was amazed for a moment, after which she stood up and drew the embarrassed Kamala down to a seat at her side.
Kshemankari realized she had won. Everyone present in the room had acknowledged that such beauty was possible only by divine grace. She told Kamala, ‘Why don’t you take Hem to your room, Ma? I’ll make arrangements for the food to be served.’
Kamala felt a tremor in her heart. ‘I wonder what Hemnalini will think of me,’ she asked herself.
Hemnalini would enter this house one day as a bride, as the future housewife – Kamala could not afford not to be in her good books. She did not even want to recollect that the position was hers by right – she would not allow envy into her heart. She had no demands. And so her legs began to tremble as she accompanied Hemnalini.
‘I’ve heard all about you from Ma,’ Hemnalini told Kamala softly. ‘It made me sad. Think of me as your sister. Do you have one of your own?’
Kamala was reassured by Hemnalini’s compassionate, affectionate voice. ‘I have no sister of my own, though I have a cousin.’
‘I have no sisters,’ said Hemnalini. ‘My mother died when I was very young. During my joys and sorrows as a child I often wished for a sister if I could not have my mother. I had to keep my feelings to myself, and it became such a habit that I can no longer open my heart to anyone. People think I’m vain, but you mustn’t think that way. My heart has become mute.’
All hesitation was dispelled from Kamala’s mind. She said, ‘But do you think you’ll like me, Didi? You know how ignorant I am.’
With a smile Hemnalini said, ‘Once you come to know me well, you’ll see I’m thoroughly ignorant too. All I have done is to memorize several books, I know nothing else. And so I’m telling you, if I do become part of this family, you must never leave me. It terrifies me to think of taking responsibility for the household all by myself.’
‘You can pass the entire responsibility on to me,’ Kamala told her with the artlessness of a child. ‘I have been managing households from childhood, I have no fear of responsibilities. You and I will run the household like sisters, you will keep him happy, I will serve both of you.’
‘You didn’t see your husband properly; do you recollect him?’ asked Hemnalini.
Instead of answering directly, Kamala said, ‘I didn’t know one has to remember one’s husband, Didi. It was when I went to live with my uncle that I met my cousin Shaila-didi for the first time. Only when I saw how she looks after her husband did my eyes open. I do not know how I could be so devoted to a husband whom I had never even seen properly. God has rewarded me for my devotion, for my husband appears clearly in my mind’s eye. He may not accept me, but he is mine.’
Kamala’s devout confession melted Hemnalini’s heart. After a brief pause she said, ‘I understand. This is indeed the way to make someone yours. All other methods are born of greed, they do not last.’
It was not clear whether Kamala understood all this. She looked at Hemnalini for some time before saying, ‘What you are saying must be true, Didi. I do not allow myself to feel sad, I am happy enough. Whatever little I have got is enough.’
Taking Kamala’s hand in her own, Hemnalini said, ‘My teacher tells me that real gain comes only when it’s merged with sacrifice. Truly, my sister, I will be fulfilled if I can achieve what you have by giving yourself up heart and soul.’
‘But you will get everything, Didi,’ said Kamala in surprise. ‘You will lack for nothing.’
Hemnalini said, ‘May I be happy by getting what is worth getting; anything more I get is a great burden, a source of deep suffering. You will be astonished to hear me say all this, I feel astonished myself, but God has made me think of all this. You don’t know what a weight I was carrying in my heart today – you have made my heart lighter, you have given me strength, which is why I can talk now. How did you do it?’
59
On her return from Kshemankari’s house, Hemnalini discovered a large, thick letter on the table in the drawing room. The handwriting on the envelope told her at once that it was from Ramesh. With a beating heart, she locked herself in her bedroom and began to read it.
Ramesh had written in detail about everything connected with Kamala. In conclusion he had said:
The world has severed the bond between us tha
t God had created. You have now given your heart to someone else – for which I cannot blame you, but you must not blame me either. Although I did not treat Kamala as my wife for even a single day, it is my duty to admit her attraction to me. I am not certain of the state of my heart now. I could have taken shelter with you had you not forsaken me. It was on this assurance that I went to you, grief stricken. But when I saw clearly that you are now ill-disposed towards me, when I heard that you have acquiesced to marrying someone else, I was swayed again. I realized I had not yet been able to forget Kamala entirely. But whether I have forgotten her or not will cause no harm to anyone in the world except me. And what harm can it do me either! I cannot possibly forget the two women whom I have made room for in my heart – being able to recollect them all my life will be my greatest gain. My brief glimpse of you this morning was like being struck by lightning. I could only tell myself how unfortunate I am. But I shall not admit this to anyone any more. I seek to bid you farewell with a strong heart and with happiness – I shall leave you with my heart fulfilled. May your blessings and the Almighty’s benediction prevent me from experiencing the slightest infirmity at my moment of departure. May you be happy, may good come to you. Do not hate me, there is no reason for you to hate me.
Annada-babu was reading. He was startled to see Hemnalini all of a sudden. ‘Are you unwell, Hem?’ he asked.
‘I am not unwell,’ answered Hemnalini. ‘I have received a letter from Ramesh-babu, Baba. Here it is, give it back to me when you’ve read it.’
Hemnalini handed him the letter and left. Putting on his glasses, Annada-babu read the letter through twice and then began to reflect on it after sending it back to his daughter. Eventually, he decided that this was for the best. Nalinaksha was much more desirable as a groom than Ramesh. It was convenient that Ramesh had left on his own.