Holler if you been there.
Math Guys and Math Girls of the world, we feel each other’s pain. It’s tough asking people to put more money in and sometimes we just reach into our own wallets to get the job done. Twenties are broken, coins are counted, and there is constant checking and rechecking that it all adds up right.
Yes, if you’re picking up what I’m putting down, then you know that moment of quiet satisfaction when you finally close that sticky, sauce-smeared billfold over a stack of crumpled bills and sliding coins.
Because at that exact moment the shackles of Math Guy are finally busted.
And we’re all free.
AWESOME!
A perfect squeegee job at the gas station
Drive that steaming rust bucket up to the pumps and let’s get down to business.
Folks, you know it and I know it: Perfect squeegee jobs are hard work. You’re a pro wiper if you master these top five tricks:1. Lift-ups. Not everyone has the moxy to wipe under the windshield wipers, but that’s where you’ll find dried leaves and lots of highway grime. Don’t be afraid to get in there.
2. Just enough drips. Okay, if you’re pulling the squeegee out of that dirty blue liquid and slapping it on your rear window in one swift move, then you’re probably overdripping. There’s no need to get your shoes wet, so do like the pros and tap off before you tap on.
3. Say no to streaks. Quick wiping is sloppy wiping. Avoid streaks at all costs by using two hands, leaning your head in, and applying just enough even pressure to keep the squeegee running straight. If you get a streak by accident, it’s time to do it again. If you start to compromise, you’ll just hate yourself later. Be strong.
4. Bug off. Pros don’t let smeared bug guts get in their way. No, they’ll hammer those out with some furrowed brows and furious back-and-forth swiping. Pay tribute to the ladybug’s tiny, beautiful life by disposing of its remains at the station instead of driving them back and forth to work for a few weeks.
5. Side Mirror Superstar. Everyone thinks they can do the side mirrors, but the truth is they’re nearly impossible. Sure, it’s a nice idea at first, but then you realize the squeegee doesn’t fit well on there and you’ll get inconsistent smudge streaks and a black scribbly cloud above your head. Streakfree side mirrors require years of training. Work your way up to them and expect to make lots of mistakes.
Yes, when you nail the perfect squeegee job you’re loving it lots. Mom fills up, dad grabs beef jerky, and your kid brother runs for the graffiti-covered bathroom that smells like urinal pucks. But you stumble out that van door, stretch your legs, and just casually eye that squeegee stick.
Then you look at your bug-splattered windshield, nod a little nod, and smile a little smile.
Because you know what has to be done.
And you know how to do it.
AWESOME!
Fitting every last thing in the dishwasher
Wedge those macaroni-and-cheese-covered plates, buttersmeared knives, and sticky glasses in there sideways. Stuff in the really, really old Tupperware and double-stacked sandwich containers and then balance a crusty casserole dish on top.
Now, if you think you’re done, you’re not even close.
No, now it’s time for the mad dash around the house grabbing leftover glasses from the bathrooms and greasy popcorn bowls from the basement. Then you have to come back and rearrange the clinking, clanging mess like a complex 3D jigsaw puzzle. As you whistle the theme song to Tetris, your brain flashes back to the sixth-grade geometry class that prepared you for this day.
Don’t stop until everything’s jammed, rammed, and crammed.
And then stuff a few wooden spoons in the sides.
And a couple more forks.
And the can opener.
AWESOME!
When the guy at the deli counter gives you a free taste
Walk into a grocery store and you’re surrounded by freshly misted lettuce, bubbling lobster tanks, and hot croissants rolling out of the oven. With your pupils dilated and mouth watering, there’s nothing finer than rolling your crookedywheel cart by the deli counter and making some subtle eye contact with the deli man.
We both know that when you’re surrounded by fresh food in all directions you suddenly start jonesing for a fix. So you press your hands on the curved glass and gaze longingly at the giant hunks of pink and salty goodness shining at you under the bright lights.
You know what to do: Place your order, reach your hands out, and get ready for those thinly shaved slices to touch your tongue and send you on a salty trip far, far away.
Also applies to sample cookies at the bakery.
AWESOME!
When you went to the gym yesterday
Because now you can take a break today.
AWESOME!
Riding on someone’s shoulders when you were a kid
Blast off.
Getting a six-foot liftoff when you’re two feet tall shoots you straight into the stratosphere. Suddenly you’re riding your own personal human in a bumpy living room safari in the clouds. Your diaper-padded butt bounces safely on sturdy shoulders as you giggle and grab fistfuls of hair and glasses while gazing down at the tiny toy-covered world you thought you knew.
Yes, your baby brain zooms out and gives a sneak peek of the big world you’re about to discover: riding wobbly bikes and skinning your knees at distant playgrounds, cruising around after curfew with fresh driver’s licenses, and staring out tiny airplane windows at distant crisscrossed patches of your hometown.
Look back on those blurry shoulder rides in those jungle backyards and remember the rushing feeling of going way up, staring way down, and opening your eyes ...
AWESOME!
That clicking sound of winding anything up
Mmmm, girl.
You know it and I know it: That zip-zippery sound of winding anything up is a slow-building crescendo of anticipation. You crank the plastic walking toy, spin the garden hose wheel, or twist the egg timer tightly until everything locks and loads. Don’t matter whether you’re reeling in a fish, charging a manual flashlight, or preparing a set of chattering teeth to walk across the kitchen table, it all feels great.
It’s the sound of important work about to start. It’s the sound of important work about to finish. It’s the sound of progress, movement, and clicky little baby steps toward a bigger goal. Soon the fish jumps out of the water, the flashlight lights up the campsite, or the toy teeters across the cold basement floor.
That wind-up clicking scratches a tiny little itch deep in your brain and gives a smirky sense of satisfaction when you’ve twisted till you can’t twist no more.
When you build energy up inside whatever you’re winding you sure crank yourself up too.
AWESOME!
Picking up something that turns out to be a lot lighter than you expected
It’s the grocery bag of paper towels, the suitcase of socks, or the moving box of mittens.
AWESOME!
The last couple hours before the weekend
This is known as The Funrise.
Chatty buzz fills office cubicles, laughs echo down high school halls, and the clock ticks a little bit faster as we all smile and get ready for a couple big days of
AWESOME!
Correctly guessing the actor voicing the animated movie character
Everybody loves cartoons.
Ain’t it fun cuddling under the blanket or plopping down on the plushy seats and getting sucked into tall tales about lost clown fish, tough-talking sharks, or toys that come to life?
Now, after the movie starts rolling you quickly fall into the cartoon fantasy and there’s always that moment where a new character enters the story and starts stealing the scene. And everyone recognizes the voice and everyone knows the voice, but without a visual it’s tough guessing which bigname star is sweating in the studio holding crumpled sheets of paper and wearing giant Princess Leia headphones.
That’s why it’s great when t
he electrons suddenly go boom in someone’s brain and they jump up and scream out a name. Then everyone smiles and laughs and breathes a big sigh of recognition relaxation. Oh sure, sometimes there’s online fact-checking or the occasional wait-till-the-credits confirmation , but how sweet is it when someone just shouts it out and totally nails it?
Pretty sure we all know the answer to that.
AWESOME!
Dropping a glass and then sticking your foot out so it hits your foot and doesn’t break on the ground
Hey, now instead of a sharp, dangerous mess on your kitchen tiles, you’ve got a couple bruised toes, a complete drink set, and a giant, swelling feeling of
AWESOME!
Running for the bus or train and actually catching it
I’m no runner.
Strap a pair of flashy sneakers on me and snap on an elastic sweatband and I generally have no idea what to do next.
But when the bus is coming around the corner or the train is pulling into the station, watch out man, because I am off. Yes, no matter what I’m wearing, no matter what I’m doing, no matter who I’m talking to, if I see the faint possibility of catching that bus at the last second, then I’m gunning it.
We all know that Just missing the bus is something you’d find over in The Book of Annoying, that nonexistent netherlist that also features: Finding out your shirt is inside out partway through the day, When the public bathroom only has one slow lukewarm hand dryer, and When the cashier needs to replace the receipt tape in the middle of your transaction.
But when you run and actually catch it, that’s a beautiful moment.
First off, it means you managed to wait the absolute least amount of time possible. You didn’t check your watch four times and constantly stare up the street for the bus to appear on the horizon. No, you put your head down and bolted and ended up hanging around the curb for 0.0 seconds. Not bad!
Secondly, you score a little Mini Workout High. Who cares if your cheeks are glowing, your neck’s glistening, and you almost twisted your ankle on the sidewalk? You don’t, because you just got some cardio in. Now you can crumble into your plastic orange seat satisfied your arteries shook off some fat chunks from the plate of danishes you ate earlier.
Lastly, you give everyone else on the train some entertainment through the Horse Race Bettor effect. See, everyone else sees you walk onto the platform, bug your eyes out, and bolt into Super Businessman as you start your race. It’s an adrenaline rush as they cheer you on. Will Dress and Running Shoes Lady squeeze between the newspaper boxes? Will Stroller Mom get her two-year-old up the escalator past Teenage Cell-Phone Mob? There is drama, there is tears, and there is cheering.
People, when you frantically wave at the driver from fifty feet away, leap across the platform, or jump through those slowly closing doors, you made it. Stare up at your fellow passengers, take in a few deep breaths, and smile big with your sweaty face.
You just won a gold medal in being
AWESOME!
When you drive from a rough road onto a smooth one
Cruising onto a fresh black road when you’ve been scraping on top of a rough one is a mighty fine feeling. When you get off that chopped-up construction meat or swerve out of Pothole Alley, your tires are loving you lots. And it’s not just that:1. Shhhh. When you slip onto fresh road the background noise fades away and everyone realizes they can chat in a normal voice again. It’s a nice, relaxing feeling, and it sort of makes your car feel more expensive, like you tossed down a fistful of bills at the dealership for some primo soundproofing upgrades.
2. Gimme a break. When you start cruising smooth it’s like driving becomes a lot easier. You’re no longer swerving past giant dirtholes on the way out of the cottage or being careful not to slip off the pebbly gravel edge beside the ditch. Thinking of giving both your arms a rest simultaneously? Now’s a good time.
3. Mechanic on duty. I don’t know about you, but sometimes when I’m on a rough stretch of road and my tires start to make that rawrrawrrawr sound, I convince myself that something’s wrong with my car. I know, I know, I’m a real hypocardriac (hey-ohhhhhh!). But seriously, folks, doesn’t it feel good when you drive onto a smooth road, perk your ears up, and realize nothing’s wrong with your hunk of junk?
Driving from a rough road onto a smooth one is a tiny gift to the road-weary. You don’t know when it’s coming, you don’t know how long it’ll last, but for a few fleeting moments you smile and relax in a quiet little meditation on wheels.
AWESOME!
Reuniting a sock from the Sock Orphanage Drawer with its freshly washed once-lost brother or sister
We don’t know where you’ve been. We don’t know how you got home. But come here and give us a hug, old friend.
We thought we lost you.
AWESOME!
When your roommate goes away for the weekend
Channel surf in your underwear, crank your embarrassing dance music, and let the crumb-covered dishes pile up without guilt. Because when you’re splitting the bills, the thermostat, and a few hundred square feet, sometimes you just need some space.
AWESOME!
When your laptop or cell phone is just about to die but you manage to run and plug it in before it completely shuts off
Warning beeps and flashing battery icons try hard to get your attention.
To me they’re like death row prisoners being escorted down a dim hallway with green ceramic tiles and cinder block walls. They’re in baggy orange jumpsuits and shackles, hands behind their back, guards on both sides, just screaming for help before they’re strapped to the chair.
“I want to live!!! Stop the insanity!!!”
Your heart aches but sometimes there’s nothing you can do. You’re in a bus on a long ride home or out at a restaurant for a birthday dinner. You forgot to plug them in before you left, so you stare helplessly as the juice zaps their veins, the lightbulb dims, and they go quiet and disappear into blackness. You sigh and toss them in your backpack or just hold their heavy, lifeless body in your hands, say some quiet words, and wipe away tears.
Other times you’re the pricey, hard-nosed attorney, filing a last-minute appeal and rushing down to prison with courtsigned paperwork before someone flips the switch. You run into your apartment and plug it into the wall or borrow a friend’s car adapter at the last second. At moments like this, there is a celebration as the charge icon flashes on, flashes strong, and breathes in new life.
AWESOME!
Puppy breath
Their tiny fresh breath has been scientifically designed to melt your heart.
AWESOME!
Carrying all the grocery bags in from the car in one giant trip
It’s been a long afternoon.
Making a list, checking it twice, heading to the store for milk, bread, and rice.
Brother, let’s face facts: When you finally wheel onto your slippery leaf-covered driveway with a trunk full of wet celery, rolling apples, and melting ice cream, all you wanna do is finish the job quick.
It’s time to put her in park and start yanking bag after bag from the trunk and holding them with every possible bagholding body part you got.
First grab the heavy bags of milk and potatoes with one hand and the orange juice and frozen lasagnas with the other. Then pile on the fruits, veggies, yogurts, and be careful with those eggs, careful with those eggs there. Now, while teetering awkwardly with eight plastic bags digging into your forearms, just grit your teeth and grab the final bag of bread and cold cuts with your left pinky while squeezing a giant bulk pack of toilet paper under your right armpit.
Now shut the trunk and lock the door using only your elbow, chin, and teeth.
Annnnnnnd ... you’re good!
Oh sure, it’s not very majestic, but it’ll have to do because there is no way you’re coming back out here again. No, you did your job and now it’s time for your spouse and kids to fill the fridge and pantry—so just run in the door, toss the bags on the floor, and scream,
“I’m back from the store!”
AWESOME!
When you fold a piece of paper so it fits in the envelope perfectly
Lick and load, people.
Yeah, yeah, sure, we ain’t sending out letters much these days but we both know there’s the odd time you’re forced to fold n’ crease a piece of paper and snug it tightly into an envelope for some smoooooooth mailing.
Now, if you don’t nail it properly you get a fat wedge sticking out the top of the envelope and are left with two horrible choices:1. The Creasy Jungle. This is where you unfold and refold your crinkly masterpiece. It’s not ideal because there’s no hiding your terrible folding skills and you end up with a messy envelope.
2. The Fat Flabby Fold-Down. This one’s the postage equivalent of attempting an awkward twelvepoint turn when your parallel parking job ends up three feet from the curb. When you’re rocking the fat flabby, you’re bending that top crease backwards really tightly. This gives you a thick n’ chunky wedge that barely squeezes in.
Friend, let’s be clear: There are issues.
But that’s why it’s great when you manage to fold that paper tightly and fold that paper rightly so your letter slip n’ slides into the waiting envelope’s mouth. When you nail it your eyes twinkle a tiny bit, your smile curls at the lip, and your swagger shakes at the hip, baby.
AWESOME!
When you’re washing the car and it’s hose time
Soapy sponging coats your clunker in a thick sheet of bubbly foam. When your brow is sweating and the sloshy pail is dripping all over the driveway, it’s time to grab the hose and rinse the job away.