Or maybe you don’t recognize them for a while simply because they’re out of context. It’s your phys ed teacher squeezing melons at the grocery store, your barber jogging in a jumpsuit at the park, or the office assistant from your old job sweating buckets on the treadmill.
Sometimes it seems like they’re looking at you the exact same way too. You wonder if their little brain men are combing through databases or if they recognize you but just aren’t saying anything. You wonder and wonder and think and think and stare and stare until!
It clicks.
And that’s a beautiful moment of sweet relief. The little brain men slam filing cabinets and cheer, one of them pulls the steam whistle and smoke flies out your ears, and a slow and satisfied smile curls onto your face as you finally place the mystery person.
Then maybe you say hi or something.
AWESOME!
When the houseguest leaves
You’re here!!!
Come in, come in, come in, make yourself at home, make yourself at home. Here, let me get your coat and I’ll throw your bag upstairs. Go ahead, grab a drink, have a seat, I’ll be right back.
Okay, so! How are you! It’s so good to see you! Relax, sit down ... what can I get you? Are you hungry, thirsty? Do you want a Coke, orange juice, water? Just water? Alright, with or without ice? Are you sure you’re not hungry? Want like a grilled cheese or something? Oh, wait! I’ve got leftover lasagna from last night. Do you want some? No, no, I can’t eat it all anyway. Don’t worry about it. I’ll just heat up a piece, no problem. It’ll just be a second. Have a seat! Sit down, sit down, relax, you drove a long way. Relax!
So ... what time do you usually get up? Me, I’m around 8:30. Oh ... no, no, no, that’s fine. I’ll just get up a bit earlier so you can jump in right after me. No, it’s no problem. I left some towels on your bed and there’s a hair dryer under the sink. Do you need an alarm clock? Oh, what do you like for breakfast? Yeah, yeah, I’ve got cereal. Actually, you know what, we need milk. I’m just going to pop to the corner and grab some real quick so we’re good for morning. No, it’s no problem! You can use my computer if you want to check your email before going to bed. I know you’re tired. Good night! Sleep tight!
Morning!!! Did you sleep well? Oh ... sorry, I should have told you there were extra blankets in the closet. No, don’t worry about making the bed, I’ll wash the sheets tonight when I get home. I’m so glad you came over, honestly. It was great catching up. It’s been forever.
Alright, have a great day. Take care, let’s talk soon. Thanks again for coming over!
Bye!!!!!!!!!!
AWESOME!
Placing the last piece of the puzzle
I don’t have the patience for puzzles.
If someone walks into the room shaking a big 500-piece box with a photo of a gray boulder balanced on a gray cliff, then I’m not having it.
Okay, I might help you find the corner pieces or start the first edge, but that’s it. After it gets into the no-man’s-land of middle pieces, and people start making stack-piles of colors, passing around the box top and squinting, and silently trying to clip piece after piece after piece together, well, I just can’t take it anymore.
When everybody crowds around the coffee table, I start sulking and retreat to the couch where I occupy myself with productive jobs such as piling all the coasters, finger-dragging the crumbs out the side of the cushions, or trying to eat a potato chip without chewing it, which is actually much more difficult than it sounds.
This is why it’s so great when someone finally places the last piece of the puzzle.
There’s usually giddy anticipation as the pace quickens toward the finale. All fingers get into the game, attaching the two giant puzzle chunks together, and then someone finally drops in that one piece we all knew was here somewhere with the other half of the bird’s wing on it.
Hey, the last piece of the puzzle is great because it means you have the last piece of the puzzle. Let’s not overlook this fact. After all, who among us hasn’t picked up a cheapo garage sale special only to discover it was four pieces short when you were putting it together? Talk about a buzz kill.
Secondly, it means you finally get to see the big picture. Up until that point it’s all poking, prodding, and passing around the dog-eared box top, but now we’ve got a poster. Some people mount these things and stick them on a wall. Nothing wrong with that.
Lastly, there is a thick and heady sense of smoking satisfaction in the air. Even though I’m probably spilling a tall glass of wine and flipping past infomercials at this point, even I can feel it. The gang all pitched in, helped out, and accomplished the big mission together.
Now the party can really get nuts.
AWESOME!
When you know someone well enough to go in their fridge without asking
Talk about an intimate moment.
It’s one thing to strike up a conversation, grab drinks after work, start hanging on weekends, and become close friends.
It’s another thing to have open fridge access.
Honestly, if you’re cool with sharing your food supply, then you two are tight like twins. You’ve probably known each other so long that all courtesies have gone out the window in favor of getting cozy on the couch with some juice and puddings.
When someone grabs a bunch of grapes from your crisper, snags cold pizza from the box, or starts making a sandwich with whatever’s around, then I’ve got news for you.
You’ve got yourself a best friend.
AWESOME!
When you finish your milkshake and then remember there’s more in that stainless steel cup
How delicious was that thick and creamy shake you just slurped through the fat straw at the roadside diner? Sitting in the torn vinyl booths by the jukebox, you drank those tiny bubbles, slurped cold clumps, and shot back all the swirling sweet cream at the bottom of the glass.
Your entire body shivered and shook and you sucked back that delicious frosty glass of milkshake.
And guess what?
There’s more.
AWESOME!
Emptying the recycling bin on your computer
As old school assignments, half-downloaded MP3s, and duplicate photos crumple and disappear from your hard drive, you settle back into your office chair, slap your hands together, and smile at finishing up The World’s Easiest Chore.
AWESOME!
Waking up to the smell of sizzling bacon
Lazing around in crumpled sheets, sun streaking through the blinds, you open your eyes and blink slowly while your lips curl into a smile. You glance casually at the alarm clock, stare at the ceiling, and flip your pillow.
Then it hits you.
Nose twitching, brain sniffing, you catch faint fumes of something sizzling in the kitchen. Can it be? Is this why you woke up? You bunny-sniff again and this time you’re positive, you’re certain, you’re sure.
Bacon!!!
It smells like mom’s cooking breakfast on a holiday morning. It smells like a sunny Sunday at the chilly campsite with your boyfriend. It smells like pajamas and a fresh newspaper with your grad school roommates.
It smells like little white grease bubbles in a crispy black pan.
And it smells a lot like
AWESOME!
Jumping as many stairs as possible
Racing up staircases or jumping down them gives you that I’m-in-a-rush rush. Handrails play helper as you leap on stage as the quick-zipping star of the show. Let’s chat about how to make the magic happen.
Okay, if you’re going up, two of the classiest moves include:1. Roboto Man. You’re a straight-faced, mild-mannered Stairskipper 4000, an advanced prototype who skips steps nonchalantly and even does the triple step every so often. Robotos sometimes act super casual because they’re quietly racing someone in the escalator beside them.
2. Eager Beavers. These are sweaty six-year-olds who just scarfed all their candy, businesswomen racing to catch the commuter train, or teenagers
in ballcaps and baseball gloves running to the park. Eager beavers sometimes leap up two, three, four stairs at a time. Although it’s in their best interest to avoid you, keep your eyes peeled for sharp elbows and sweat showers.
Okay, if you’re going down I recommend one of the following:1. The Tarzan. Some lords of the jungle motor down the stairs and then plant their hands on the rail to swing themselves the rest of the way. We’ve all heard long tales of six, seven, even eight steps at once, but details are always fuzzy and hard to confirm. Still, if done well The Tarzan can be majestic. If done poorly, it can be ankle sprainy.
2. Cliff Jumpers. This one’s for pros only. This is just a huge, free-falling jump, generally on the way down to the basement to play video games. Hopefully you’ve got a padded cushion landing and don’t crash through the wood veneer wall. There is no limit to the heights you can reach with this move.
Jumping as many stairs as possible gets your blood flowing from mini cardio workouts throughout the day. For a few brief moments you transform from a gal on her way to biology class into an animal in the wild again—scaling mountains, skipping rivers, leaping off cliffs like you were born to do. Your ancestors did the dirty work for hundreds of thousands of years, so make sure you pay honor to your primal roots and caveman instincts whenever you jump some stairs.
Jump up.
Jump down.
Jump forever.
AWESOME!
Screaming at characters in movies to do things
“No!”
“Don’t, don’t, don’t.”
“Don’t, he’s behind the door.”
“Turn around!”
“Turn around, turn around, turn around!”
“Now kiss her, you idiot.”
AWESOME!
When your friends working in fast-food restaurants give you a little extra
Sure, sure, we’re all honest people here.
You and me, we’re driving the speed limit, crossing at crosswalks, and never double parking. But that doesn’t mean we don’t like bonus fries, extra-scoopy ice cream, or double cheese on our subs.
Hey, when that gal behind the smooth orange counter wearing the paper hat and pin-striped shirt is your pal from high school, it’s time for a little extra whipped cream and chocolate sauce on that drippy ice cream sundae.
It’s just the Fast-Food Workers’ Pact.
AWESOME!
Wearing what you just bought out of the store
Sometimes those old, ratty sandals need to get buried. When sidewalk steps rattle your spine and walking to the store gives you severe blackfoot, it’s time to go shopping.
Next time you slide on that fresh new pair in the store, just pause for a second and look wistfully at the broken, smoothsoled flat ones in your hand. So many rainy nights, so many deck parties, so many quick trips for gas. Fight tears and steady your lip as you stare the teenage cashier square in the eye and say:
“Do you guys have a garbage can?”
AWESOME!
Finally peeing after holding it forever
It didn’t used to be this way.
For hundreds of thousands of years our species peed freely, whenever, wherever. Yes, whether we were roaming jungles, crossing ice bridges, or having picnics in plains, it wasn’t always pretty but when nature called, we answered.
Sadly, things are different now.
Most of the time our bladders are all locked up.
With our stadium seating, boardroom meetings, kids’ soccer games, and smooth highway lanes, the one thing we didn’t build in was an easy way to clear some leaves and squat in the corner. Honestly, how many times have you been looking for parking and circling the lot, waiting for a movie to wrap up the plot, or just fumbling with keys so you could race to the pot?
Listen, I’ve been there too. Yes, it’s always a tight squeeze, with bouncing knees and gritted teeth, but we accept this trade-off in exchange for living in our bright and modern World of Pants. And a world where everybody wears pants is great, don’t get me wrong. It’s just that it cramps our style sometimes.
That’s why finally peeing after holding it forever feels so great. It’s like millions of years of animalistic need bursting through the chains and restraints of modern social norms.
It’s the bathroom equivalent of a primal scream and it feels oh so incredibly
AWESOME!
The night before a really big day
Stare at that ceiling.
Sweaty palms, white knuckles, deep breaths in bed.
Maybe the ring’s stowed away and the reservations are made. Maybe the results are coming in and everyone’s coming over. Maybe you’re buttoning down for a new job or following your heart and leaving an old one.
Moonlight shines in your window as excitement bubbles in your brain.
It’s almost here.
AWESOME!
Finding the perfect patch of grass to sit on at the park
Here’s how to find that magic grass:1. Dampness Double Check. Nobody likes a wet bottom. Keep your backside dry by spying classic signs like slightly dipped areas or permanently shady patches. May also be worth tapping the ground to check with your hand or do a five-second Practice Sit, which involves sitting down and staring straight ahead while activating the cold, wet sensors in your sweatpants.
2. Sticks and Stones. They may break your bones, but more important they’re no fun to sit on. Plus, they’re a dangerous omen of protruding tree roots, prickly weeds, and grassless patches of hard dirt. Stay away.
3. Temp Check. On hot days you’re looking for shady patches under tall trees, on cool days you’re scoping sunny spots by the sandbox, and sometimes you can’t decide so you search for that perfect square of half-and-half.
4. Frisbee Lookout. Some parks have a lot of activities going on. Shaggy-haired dudes in hemp necklaces and bare feet toss Frisbees, dads play catch with their kids, and tiny toddlers in T-shirts and diapers run around playing Chase The Dog or Run Till You Faceplant. If you’re looking to relax, you’ve got to avoid this happy chaos.
Sometimes those sunny Saturday afternoons are just begging for a casual walk to your local park. Grab a coffee, throw the kids in a stroller, or walk a dog with friends. As that breeze blows by just close your eyes and enjoy a few quiet minutes of relaxing and soaking it all in.
AWESOME!
When you hit the point where you’re comfortable farting around each other
I fart, you fart, he farts, she farts.
Let’s not deny it, people. Farting is a regular, healthy, and hilarious part of life. Squeezing out big plumes of noxious gas doesn’t always smell good, but it generally feels mighty fine.
Now think back for a second to the last time you heard a tiny baby pop out a stinky heater. I’m betting after they filled the air they just stared at you with a blank expression that seemed to say, “Yeah, it was me. So what?”
And maybe that’s a good thing.
Maybe when your boyfriend’s snuggling with you under the blanket and there’s a few chirps from the back of his pants, that’s good. Maybe when Grandpa leans back on his rocker and lets one rip during Sunday dinner, that’s good. Maybe when your wife nonchalantly blasts one while barbecuing on the balcony, that’s good.
And maybe it’s especially good when everyone laughs afterward.
Because hey, it just means we’re comfortable being ourselves and relaxed enough to know farting is a natural and normal part of life. Nobody chooses farting as a hobby but it’s part of what makes us human. Tuba scales, silent stink bombs, machine-gun blasts, whatever you’re putting out there, that’s fine, that’s fine, that’s perfectly fine.
Now, we’re not advocating a world of no limits. There’s nothing wrong with keeping some personal space either. After all, maybe you do your nose picking in the car, shower behind a curtain at the gym, or burp quietly into a fancy cloth napkin. If so, that’s cool too.
All we’re saying is that if you get to the point where you’re comfortable farti
ng around each other, it means you’re family, you’re friends, or you’re completely in love.
So just relax and let it out.
AWESOME!
Walking into class and seeing a substitute teacher
Postpone the pop quiz, lose the science lab, ax the algebra lesson.
Now’s the time when energy bolts blast through brains as everybody revs up for forty-five minutes of whispering, passing notes, and tossing paper airplanes.
AWESOME!
Fully justifying whatever terrible thing you’re eating
Let the grease glisten, mayo drip, and soda fizz.
Here are three ways to make the magic happen:1. Veggie Validation. My friend Mike is king of this move. “Gotta get my greens,” he’ll say, while chomping dill pickles on the couch playing video games. “Carrots are good for you,” he’ll smirk, while licking thick cream cheese icing off a moist brick of carrot cake. Remember: Anything with vegetables in it fully qualifies as potentially healthy. Now go relax and enjoy a slice of pumpkin pie with a side of onion rings.
2. Dumbbell Defense. On the rare mornings I venture to the gym for a half-dozen sit-ups and some stretching in sweatpants, I always end up eating a tipsy mountain of nachos for dinner later in the day. “No worries,” I’ll think with cheese-greasy fingers and salsa dripping down my chin. “I totally worked this off already.”
3. Vacation Breakin’. When you go on holidays it’s fun to free your stomach from the shackles of the kitchen. Slip into shades and shorts and start breaking the rules in the slow lane. Remember: Getting away from it all means putting your feet up and having a third sundae.