Luke turned to me. “What?”
I took a breath and this time made sure he heard me. “I said, I’m sorry.”
Luke accepted my apology and the rest of the game we held hands and watched the Celtics beat the Bulls 92–81. Even though he’d said it was okay and told me to forget about it, I couldn’t. And that’s why when we reached the parking garage I decided to do something I knew was so anti-guide, so completely un-handbook, I knew there was no way I could ever tell Josie and Lucy. But I also knew there was no way I couldn’t do it.
“Here.” I took a twenty-dollar bill out of my purse and held it up. “Let me pay for the parking. It will be my treat.”
“But it’s your birthday,” Luke objected, not accepting my peace offering.
“I know. Think of this as my way of saying thanks.”
Luke eyed the money. “I’m going to accept your offer, you know. I’ve already spent close to a hundred bucks tonight.”
“I know. I want to pay for it. Really.” Even as I said it, I knew Josie and Lucy would kill me. I was supposed to be teaching Luke how to be a better boyfriend and here I was offering to pay for part of our date. My birthday date.
“Okay, as long as you mean it.” Luke still didn’t look convinced.
I stuffed the twenty-dollar bill into his hand. “I mean it.”
“Thanks.” He smiled and a small shiver crawled down my spine.
I loved making him smile. “No, thank you, Luke.”
“Happy birthday, Emily.” Luke leaned in and kissed me, and I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him back. It wasn’t the kiss of someone pretending to like a guy or the kiss of someone who was just doing what she had to prove her point. It was a real kiss, the kind you give a real boyfriend.
Chapter Seventeen
The Guy’s Guide Tip #56:
Music: Just because it’s loud
doesn’tmean it’s good.
Even though it was almost midnight when I got home, the light was still on in the family room. I thought it had to be my mom, who was addicted to old classics and had been known to stay up way into the wee hours for an Audrey Hepburn movie, but when I peeked in on my way upstairs it wasn’t my mom. It was TJ, who was probably waiting up for me so he could hear about the game.
“The Celtics won,” I told him as I walked toward the couch, where he was lounging with his feet propped up on a pillow. My mom had to be asleep. There was no way he’d do that if she was around to see him.
But when TJ heard me he didn’t sit up and ask me where our seats were or if I got to see any players up close. Instead he held something up in the air where I could see it—a brown notebook. “What’s this?”
“Nothing,” I snapped, rushing over to him and grabbing for the notebook in a way that completely contradicted my claim that that it was nothing.
TJ jumped up and held the book over his head as he read the title I’d written across the cover in black marker. “The Book of Luke,” TJ recited. “At first I thought you’d gone all religious on us, but this isn’t exactly very Christian.”
“Give that to me,” I demanded, but, because TJ was now about four inches taller than me, he didn’t exactly look threatened. He actually seemed to enjoy having me hop up like some trained dog reaching for a treat. “I swear if you don’t give me that, you’ll regret it.”
“Oh yeah? What are you going to do? Write me a guide on how to be a better brother? The Book of TJ?” he teased, making fun of me.
“I’m serious, TJ. Give it to me now,” I demanded, trying to keep my cool. The last thing I needed was TJ telling everyone about the guide. Or Luke finding out. I couldn’t have Luke find out. Not yet. Eventually he’d have to, when we put the guide into the time capsule, but not yet. I wasn’t ready for it to end. I had two more weeks with Luke, and I wanted every minute.
“Give it to me, or I swear I’ll go wake Mom up right now and tell her you went through my stuff.” It was pretty lame threatening to tell on him, but I was feeling that desperate. And I knew it would work. If there was anything that bothered my mother as much as bad manners, it was not respecting someone’s privacy.
TJ watched me to see just how serious I was.
“Fine, here.” He unceremoniously lowered his hand just close enough for me to reach the spiral metal spine. “So, what is it?” he asked.
“Didn’t you read it?”
TJ shrugged. “Maybe. Parts of it. It looks like it’s a bitch session for you and your friends.”
“It’s a project for the senior time capsule. And it’s not a bitch session. It’s a guide.”
“Like a how-to book?”
Maybe he hadn’t read it after all. “Yeah. Kind of like a how-to book.”
“Then what’s Luke have to do with this? What are you doing, testing out your lame theories on him?”
There was no maybe about it. TJ had definitely read the notebook. He knew what I was up to—or, at least, what I was supposed to be up to. And now it was time for some serious damage control. But first I had to figure out how to play this. I could make grand accusations and threats and put him on the defensive, but that wouldn’t exactly achieve my desired outcome, which was for TJ to forget he’d ever laid eyes on the guide. Or I could let him be the good guy. I thought I’d try the second route first.
“Look, it’s just some stupid school project. When you’re a senior, you’ll have to do one, too. It doesn’t mean anything.”
But TJ wasn’t going to back down. He had the upper hand and he knew it. “If it doesn’t mean anything, why are you freaking out over it?”
“Don’t be an asshole, TJ.”
“Me?” He laughed like he’d heard a joke. “Me? Are you serious?”
TJ reached for the remote control and turned off the TV. “Funny how you’re writing a notebook filled with crap, and playing some sort of game with Luke, but I’m the asshole.”
He turned to walk out of the room, flipped off the light switch, and called over his shoulder to me. “And not every guy is an asshole, Emily. Maybe you are.”
I heard his footsteps climbing the stairs, but I didn’t attempt to defend myself. Instead, I just stood there in the dark, clutching the notebook under my arm, wondering how the hell I was going to get myself out of this.
Chapter Eighteen
The Guy’s Guide Tip #60:
There are lots of things cars are good for—taking us on dates for one. But there isn’t a car around that’s meant to have two people making out in the backseat. That’s why it’s called a backseat, not a couch.
Monday morning I hid out in the girls’ bathroom as long as I could in hopes that Josie and Lucy would give up and head to first period without me. There was no way I could face them. There was no way I could tell them about my birthday date with Luke. I may have thought I’d be good at this pretending thing, but I was horrible.
I knew I had to come clean, only I wasn’t ready to do it. I needed some time to figure out what I was going to say. And what I was going to do if Josie and Lucy didn’t understand.
At 8:11, I slowly opened the bathroom door and peeked down the hall. Most people had already headed to class. The coast looked pretty clear—or at least as clear as it was going to get without showing up late for first period.
I ventured out into the hall and practically ran toward my locker. Of course, the minute I turned the corner, I was dead.
“Where have you been?” Josie demanded. “We’ve been waiting to hear all about your date.”
Lucy was practically jumping up and down trying to get my backpack away from me. She tore the zipper open, took out my books, and threw the empty backpack to Josie, who opened my locker and tossed it in. “Quick, we’re probably going to be late as it is.”
“Oh, what do you care, you’ve already been accepted to Duke,” Josie said.
“Wait a minute.” I slipped out of my coat and turned to Lucy. “You heard from Duke.”
“Yeah.” Lucy almost looked embarrassed. “Mr
. Wesley pulled me into his office this morning. The soccer coach called him over the weekend. Owen is taking me to Sam’s for lunch to celebrate.”
“That’s great.” I gave Lucy a hug, but it wasn’t exactly enthusiastic. Not that I wasn’t happy for her, I was. It’s just that the timing was all wrong. Everything was happening way too fast. If Duke had already decided to accept Lucy, then that meant I’d be hearing from colleges soon. And if decision letters were on their way that meant it was getting closer to April 15. And April 15 was one month before graduation. And one month before graduation was when the senior class buried the time capsule.
“So?” Lucy and Josie were still waiting for me to tell them about my birthday date with Luke.
“It was fun.”
“Fun?” Josie sat on the radiator and threw her hands in the air like I was exhausting her.
“Yeah. Fun.”
“Well, I think your ‘fun’ is almost over because I think you’ve done your job.”
I finished stuffing my coat in my locker and then turned to face them. “Yeah, about that,” I started, but Josie cut me off before I could finish.
“I bet Luke’s on the verge of apologizing to me.”
“You do?” How was I supposed to tell her that Luke had no intention of apologizing to her?
“Yeah.” Josie smiled at me. “I can’t believe it, but it worked. The guide totally worked, and we have you to thank for that.”
Me. Yes, I was the one to thank for all of this. I had no one to blame but myself.
Lucy agreed. “You know, I’m glad the guide worked, but I’m also glad this is all over. Even if Luke needed to learn a few lessons, maybe not every guy is a jerk.”
“Well, it doesn’t matter anymore, because I think it’s time for the big breakup,” Josie continued. “Then I can be there to console Luke and everything will be great.”
“So, when are you going to do it?” Lucy asked.
“Maybe you should do it sooner rather than later,” Josie suggested. “No reason to keep hanging out with Luke if the guide’s done.”
It was too late. There was no way to get out of this now. There was no way I could tell them how I really felt about Luke. As much as I wish I could fix everything, there was no way around it—this was the beginning of the end for Luke and me.
“Fine!” I practically yelled. “I’ll take care of it.”
Josie and Lucy looked at each other.
“Now I’ve got to get to class.” I grabbed my books out of Lucy’s arms. “I’ll see you later.”
I bolted down the hall and into the stairwell without even looking back. I didn’t have to see them to know exactly what Lucy and Josie were doing—staring at me and asking themselves, What the hell is her problem?
I didn’t eat lunch. Don’t get me wrong, I was starving, but I couldn’t face Lucy and Josie. I couldn’t go through another round of twenty questions about Luke and the guide. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out how it had come to this. How did I go from hiding out by the bathroom because I was afraid my two former best friends wouldn’t like me when I moved back, to hiding out in the bathroom because they did like me and actually wanted to talk? Only now I had another big problem. And his name was Luke.
I started looking forward to the end of the day more than the mornings. I arrived right before first bell and spent every lunch period in the library studying. I’m sure Lucy and Josie just thought I was stressing out about where I’d get in to college (probably because that’s what I told them). And while, yes, the idea of finally finding out where I’d be spending the next four years of my life was slightly stressful, lying to my two best friends was turning me into a basket case. Luckily, with Lucy at lacrosse practice and Josie in the yearbook office laying out her photos, the 3:05 bell had become my salvation.
“Come on, I’m taking you somewhere.” Luke came up behind me and took me by the arm, pushing me out Heywood’s double front doors and onto the school’s front walk.
“I can’t,” I told him, even though there was nothing I wanted to do more than just escape with Luke. “I’m going home. Besides, don’t you have lacrosse practice?”
He loosened his grip and let his fingers fall down my arm until he reached my hand. “Not today.”
“Where are we going?” I asked.
“To check out Tufts’ lacrosse practice.”
“Why?”
“There are two reasons, really. First of all, I’ve been accepted.”
“No way!” I stopped walking. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I haven’t told anyone yet. You’re the first person who knows, besides my parents.”
I didn’t know what to say. Luke hadn’t told Matt or Owen or even Coach Walton. He’d told me. Before everyone else. What was I supposed to say to that?
“It’s not official,” he went on. “I haven’t gotten the letter yet or anything, but the Tufts lacrosse coach called and so it’s pretty much a done deal.”
“Well, congratulations, that’s great news.” For some reason, I resisted hugging him, maybe because I knew this was the beginning of the end.
“Thanks.”
“But why don’t you bring Matt or Owen or someone who’d actually care about watching their practice?” I suggested, already trying to distance myself from him.
“Because that brings me to the second reason I wanted to drive all the way to Medford to check out the lacrosse team.”
“And what’s that?”
“Because I wanted to be with you.”
The team was already practicing on a field that was more mud than grass thanks to Saturday night’s rain. Luke parked the car and opened his door to get out.
“I’ll wait here,” I offered. I may have agreed to go with Luke, but there was no way I could stand on the sidelines and pretend everything was normal between us. I couldn’t fake being happy that he’d gotten into his first choice school when I knew that in less than ten days we would no longer exist. The only proof we’d ever existed at all would be placed in the time capsule for the class of 2016. And I’d be left with nothing.
“No way, you’re coming with me,” Luke insisted.
“I’m not going with you.” I pointed to the windshield, where dollops of water slid down the glass. “It’s drizzling. Besides, it’s muddy and I’ll ruin my shoes.”
“Come on, it’s not that bad. Look.” Luke reached under the driver’s seat and pulled out a black Totes umbrella. “I’ll even let you use my umbrella, if you’d like.”
His umbrella. Luke Preston was driving around with an umbrella under the front seat of his car. And it was all because of me.
Luke came over to my side of the car and opened my door. “I know it seems like we’ve been hanging out in the rain a lot lately,” he observed, holding the umbrella over me as I stepped out of the car, “but if you come with me, I promise this will be the last time.”
The last time. Just hearing him say the words made me want to jump out of the car and throw my arms around him.
“Okay,” I agreed, a lump growing in my throat. “One last time.”
I took Luke’s hand and we headed down to the field.
I know nothing about lacrosse, and dating Luke (or pretending to date Luke or whatever) hadn’t changed that. Add to my lack of knowledge the fact that everyone had on the same jerseys so I couldn’t tell who was supposed to be doing what, and that those jerseys were coated in mud so I couldn’t tell who was who anyway, and it looked like wrestling with sticks to me. But Luke was digging it big-time.
“I can’t believe next year I’ll be out there,” he mused, his eyes following the ball from stick to stick.
“So you’re going to say yes?”
“Hell yeah. I don’t even care if anyplace else accepts me.”
“I should have such problems.” Even though I thought he’d been concentrating on the scrimmage, Luke turned to me.
“What are you talking about? You’re totally getting in everywhere.”
“One word: Brown.”
“Oh, who cares about Brown.” He waved away the word like a pesky mosquito.
“I do.” Or, I used to. I didn’t nearly care as much as I did a few months ago.
“No you don’t,” he disagreed.
I kicked a glob of mud and watched it splatter on Luke’s pants. “How can you say that? Of course I want to go to Brown.”
“Oh, because Providence is so great?”
“No.”
“Then why?”
I couldn’t tell Luke the real reason, and not just because it would sound utterly insane if I said it out loud.
“Brown is a good school,” I told him.
“And so is every other school you applied to,” he replied. And he was right, of course. “So what’s the real reason?”
Here’s where I cringed. “Everyone expects me to go there. I’ve been talking about going there ever since I can remember. If I don’t go, what will everyone think?”
“You applied to Brown because that’s what everyone expected you to do?”
It sounded even worse when Luke said it.
I nodded. Barely. It was kind of a cross between a nod and single chin bob.
“Okay, I know it’s dumb. Let’s forget about it.”
“So if Brown accepts you, you’re going to go there just because you think it’s what everyone expects? You know, Emily, sometimes I think you care way too much what other people think of you.”
If he only knew. If Luke thought I wanted to go to Brown to make my mom happy, what would he say if he knew that the only reason I’d started hanging out with him in the first place was to make Josie and Lucy happy?
“Well, maybe you don’t care enough,” I replied.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked.
“I mean that, from what I’ve heard, you haven’t exactly been the nicest person in the world.”
“Why? Because I broke up with Josie? Because people offered to bring me my lunch and I accepted? At least I don’t do things just because I think it’s what people want me to do. Maybe you should think about what you want for once.”