When I opened my eyes the next morning, for one brief moment, one tiny tick of the second hand, it seemed like any other Sunday. I could hear my mom in the kitchen and smell the scrambled eggs she was whipping up for breakfast. I even placed a hand on my stomach and considered heading downstairs for some eggs myself. And then it hit me. The night before.
Less than twelve hours ago I’d been lying in Luke’s bed, lying naked while he curled his body around me to keep warm. Less than twelve hours ago I could almost still convince myself that this was still a game. Or maybe I’d just convinced myself that the game didn’t matter. I couldn’t tell anymore. All I knew, lying there in my own bed with the covers pulled up to my chin while the smell of eggs wafted under my bedroom door, was that less than twelve hours ago I’d been the happiest I’d been in a long time. And now I was going to have to pay the price.
Last night in bed with Luke, I wasn’t thinking that he was the originator of the jiggle scale or that he’d e-mailed my best friend to break up with her or that he was making out with a St. Michael’s sophomore while his girlfriend was planning how to give him the shirt she bought for him in the Bahamas. Instead, I was thinking about the guy who bought me a hot dog at the Celtics game and then wrote “happy birthday” in ketchup before handing it over to me. I thought about the only person who volunteered to take me to see my old house and how he’d gone out of his way to put an umbrella in his car, even though he couldn’t care less if he got wet. And now he was the first guy I’d slept with. And now that I’d done it, losing my virginity didn’t seem nearly as frightening as the idea of losing Luke.
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to hide, and not just because the eggs were making my empty stomach growl. I hoped that a down comforter and a cotton sheet with pale yellow pin-stripes could make it all go away. But there was no hiding from the truth. And the truth was, in five days I was supposed to put the completed guide into the time capsule and act like I’d finished my assignment, like the last three months had never happened. Only something had happened. Everything happened. And in five days I’d have to make a choice to either lose my best friends or lose Luke. Because there was no way Josie and Lucy would understand about me and Luke, and there was no way to tell them I’d slept with Luke because I loved him without making them feel betrayed. And the minute I put the guide in the time capsule, Luke would find out it had all just been part of some grand plan.
I’d never intended for Luke to actually become my boyfriend—a real boyfriend. Even now, looking back, I can honestly say that. There was always a part of me that thought he was cute—I mean, I’m not blind—but I swear I never thought this would happen. I never thought I could fall for Luke and lose my friends in the process. He was just some guy I was supposed to reform.
“Get up, Dad’s on the phone.” TJ threw open my door without even knocking.
I peeked out from under the sheet. “Tell him I’m sleeping.”
TJ put the phone up to his ear. “She says to tell you she’s sleeping.”
Why did I even think TJ would cover for me?
“He says he’d like to talk to you.”
“Tell him I’ll call him later.”
I grabbed my pillow and buried my face in it while TJ relayed my message.
“You could have at least pretended I was really sleeping, you know,” I told TJ, lifting the pillow after I heard him say good-bye and press the off button.
“I’m not going to lie for you.”
“I wasn’t asking you to lie for me,” I told him, even though I was.
“Right.” TJ turned to leave, but then stopped and ripped the pillow off my head. “I don’t know why you think you have to keep punishing Dad—like it’s not enough you wouldn’t go to Chicago over spring break to see him.”
“I’m not punishing him.” I grabbed for the pillow and took it back.
“It’s not like you’re making the situation better for any of us, Emily. Maybe you should think about somebody besides yourself for once.”
“Just get out,” I ordered, and TJ did just that. I didn’t need to listen to him telling me how I should or shouldn’t treat my dad. What did TJ know? In the grand scheme of things, TJ was the least of my problems.
Monday morning I couldn’t bear the idea of facing Lucy or Josie. I was so afraid they’d be able to tell something was different. Not that I believed all that crap about a woman glowing after she’s had sex or anything—I wasn’t afraid they’d be able to tell I was different physically. No, I was afraid they’d take one look at my face and know that I wasn’t pretending anymore. That I really did fall for Luke. Failing to write the guide was one thing, but falling in love and sleeping with your best friend’s ex-boyfriend was an entirely different story.
So there was no way I could go to school and face them. Or Luke, for that matter. I felt like I was drowning in the Bermuda triangle, flailing between my two best friends who thought I was just pretending to be Luke’s girlfriend to prove the guide worked, and the guy I’d fallen for, the guy I’d slept with, even though our entire relationship was based on a lie.
Instead of getting up when my alarm clock went off at seven o’clock, I reached over, smacked the off button, and burrowed under my comforter.
“You’re going to be late,” my mom reminded me, poking her head into my room.
I didn’t even attempt to fake a scratchy voice or stuffy nose. I figured the look on my face would pretty much sum up how I felt. “I’m not feeling well. Can I stay home?”
My mom came over to my bed and laid a hand across my forehead. “You don’t feel warm.”
“It’s my stomach,” I told her, and I wasn’t even lying. It was my stomach. I felt absolutely sick to my stomach about everything. I just wished I’d never agreed to test the guide. I wish we’d never come up with the idea for the guide at all. I’d set out to change Luke and instead I’d changed everything.
“Okay, you can stay home.” My mom smoothed her hand across my bed, attempting to eliminate the creases I’d created overnight. “I’ll go and get you some ginger ale to settle your stomach.”
I was pretty sure a glass of ginger ale wouldn’t settle anything, but at least I didn’t have to go to school.
My mom returned with the glass of ginger ale and some toast. “I thought this might help,” she offered, placing the plate on my night table. “You just get some rest and I’ll check on you in a little while.”
I gave her a weak smile, which was about the only kind of smile I could muster. “Thanks.”
After she left I eyed the whole wheat toast and debated whether or not I should even try to take a bite. But I didn’t have any appetite.
So instead of taking the toast I opened my night table drawer and reached for the brown notebook I’d stuffed in the back. I opened the cardboard cover and read the first page: The Guy’s Guide Tip #1: Forget everything you thought you knew about girls. You don’t know anything.
The first tip had been my idea. The whole guide had been my idea, my attempt to prove I didn’t have to be the nice girl everyone expected me to be. And I’d succeeded. Only instead of just being not-nice, I was also now not-happy. If it wasn’t happening to me, I’d almost point out how ironic that was. Only it was me, and it didn’t feel ironic. It just felt horrible.
I laid the notebook on my lap and flipped through the pages we’d filled in, reliving the last three months. At the bottom of the pages I’d written notes about my dates and conversations with Luke, providing color commentary to go along with our tips and don’ts. I read each page, trying to pinpoint exactly when Luke stopped feeling like a project and started feeling like a boyfriend. But I couldn’t identify exactly when it happened, I only knew it did. I continued reading and stopped when I reached the photos I’d glued to the back of some of the pages. There was me and Luke in the parking lot, the two of us in the hot tub at Josie’s ski house, Luke and me walking together in the hall. Anyone looking at those pictures would have thought we were like
any other couple. They never would have guessed it was my attempt to show guys how to be better people, better boyfriends. Looking at those pictures Luke didn’t look like the horrible guy I thought he was at the start of all this. And that made me feel even lower. I was the lowest of the low. I was worse than all of them. Because I was the one who didn’t care about anyone else’s feelings. I went out of my way to be mean. I did it on purpose, and I knew better.
I was still in my pajamas at two o’clock when my mom came into my room waving five envelopes in the air. At that point, I’d almost convinced myself that as long as I stayed in my pajamas I wouldn’t have to deal with what was waiting for me at school. I could spend the last month of school in bed pretending I had mono or something, using my yellow pinstriped sheets to shield me from the outside world.
“Delivery for Emily Abbott,” she called out, coming over to the side of my bed and motioning for me to make room so she could sit down.
I scooted over and sat up. “Are those what I think they are?”
My mom handed me the envelopes. “Only if you think they’re letters from Smith, Swarthmore, Amherst, Bowdoin, and Northwestern.”
Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, the U.S. Postal Service proved me wrong.
I held the envelopes in my hands but didn’t make a move to open them.
“Go ahead,” my mom urged, nudging me. “Let’s see what they say.”
This wasn’t how I pictured finding out, with bed head and morning breath, even though it was well into the afternoon.
“Come on, what are you waiting for?” my mom wanted to know. “Open them.”
So that’s what I did. One by one I slid my finger under the sealed flaps and ripped them open. And each time my mom kissed me and offered her congratulations.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, taking the letters and rereading them for herself. “You should be happy.”
“I know. I am.” In fact, I sounded about as happy as if I’d been accepted to dog-grooming school.
“Why don’t you shower and get dressed and later we’ll go out for dinner. Anywhere you want. We need to celebrate.”
“I don’t feel much like celebrating.”
She laid her arm around my shoulder and pulled me in close. “Okay, you rest and we can celebrate tomorrow night when you’re feeling better.”
I knew I should have been ecstatic about my acceptances. I’d gotten exactly what I wanted, and now I’d have to choose. I had to make a choice. Another choice. And I knew what that would have to be.
I knew I had to break up with Luke, but there was no way I could walk into school tomorrow and face him. And there was no way I could call him and hear his voice and still go through with it.
So I did something I never thought I’d do, something that was so pitiful I couldn’t even believe I’d actually view it as a viable option.
I slid out of bed, went over to my desk, and sat down at my computer. Before I could chicken out, I forced my fingers to start tapping the keyboard, and in less time than it had taken me to change Luke, the send button was pressed and it was over. I’d sent Luke an e-mail that said I wanted to break up.
And that night, for the first time in almost three months, I didn’t call Luke. And he didn’t call me.
Chapter Twenty-Four
The Guy’s Guide Tip #83:
Throwing a ball at somebody to test his reflexes may work when he’s the captain of the baseball team. When she’s the editor of the school paper, not so much.
I’d been back at school for less than six minutes and already I was under assault.
“We heard you broke up with him, by e-mail no less.” Josie smiled. “Nice touch.”
“So, it’s over? The guide works?” Lucy and Josie waited for my answer. “In three days we have to put it in the time capsule and we need an answer.”
“I think so. I really think Luke’s changed.”
“That’s amazing.” Josie hugged me. “See, I knew you could do it. He’ll probably be apologizing to me any day now.”
“Probably,” I told her.
“I bet you’re glad the experiment is finally over.”
“I still can’t believe you got Luke to really fall for you.” Josie smiled and it was obvious she was proud of me.
All day Tuesday, I avoided Luke as best I could, and it seemed to be working. If I saw him coming down the hall, I’d duck into the nearest doorway (which is how I ended up in the first-floor janitor’s closet for fifteen minutes while Luke and his lacrosse friends stood outside talking about the upcoming game against Country Day School). I ate in the cafeteria with Lucy and Josie, and he never showed up. I figured he was probably at Sam’s eating his potato logs, dripping ketchup all over himself without anyone there to help clean it up. At least I didn’t have to watch the Lunch Legion cater to him. I just couldn’t have handled watching that.
Any time we couldn’t avoid each other, like in English class, I knew Luke was shooting me dirty looks, even if I never actually met his eyes long enough to prove it. I could just feel him watching me from the last row, like there was an accusing finger pointing at my back—That’s the bitch who broke up with me in an e-mail—even after she told me it was wrong.
“Man, he’s pissed at you,” Lucy told me after one particularly nasty look. “Job well done.”
“Yeah, well, at least it’s over.”
“And Luke changed,” Josie reminded us. “And that was the point, right?”
“Right,” I agreed, even though I didn’t agree anymore. That may have started out as the point, but once Luke stood me up at the dance there had been another point. To prove that nice girls didn’t have to finish last. To prove that I had it in me to act just as detached and cruel as all the guys we hated. All along I’d almost believed the test was to see if I could change Luke. But now I realized the real test was whether or not I could change. And I’d done it. I’d proved I could be just as much of a jerk as the guys.
“Do you want to do something after school?” Lucy asked. “Maybe go through the guide one more time before Friday’s unveiling? I could meet you after practice.”
Josie shook her head. “Can’t.”
“What, hot date?” Lucy joked.
“Riding practice.” Josie rolled her eyes. “Maybe tomorrow?”
“Maybe,” I told her, knowing perfectly well I had no intention of reading the guide ever again.
On Friday at two o’clock the entire school was on its way to the gym to watch our senior class place objects in the time capsule—which wasn’t so much a capsule as a blue plastic Rubbermaid storage container with a snap-on lid.
Heywood liked to make a big deal about the last all-school assembly, and, because everyone got to skip last period, we always looked forward to it, if only because it meant we missed biology lab. But this year I wasn’t looking forward to it. I was dreading it.
Lucy, Josie, and I had made plans to meet in front of the girls’ locker room so we could all walk into the gym together. A united front.
I waited by the water fountain with the guide, and I knew the moment I saw them coming toward me that I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it to Luke.
“I can’t do this,” I announced when they reached.
“What do you mean, you can’t do this?” Josie asked. “You already did it. The guide works.”
“I meant I can’t put the guide in the capsule.” This wasn’t about choosing between my best friends and a guy. It was about doing what’s right. And being honest. And, honestly, there was nothing to be gained by putting the guide in the capsule. And humiliating Luke in front of the whole school was nothing to be proud of.
“Sure you can.” Josie reached for the brown notebook I was carrying facedown against my hip, but I pulled away.
“No, I can’t,” I repeated before blurting out the four words I was sure were going to change everything. “I slept with him.”
Lucy stepped back from me, bumping into the garbage can and knoc
king it over. “You slept with who?”
I held my breath for a second before answering. “Luke.”
A group of middle school girls came around the corner on their way to the gym, thank God. I only wished they could stay there, a buffer between me and Josie.
“You did what?!” Josie screamed as they passed us. Her voice was loud enough, and their fear of seniors big enough, that they scrambled into the gym as fast as their legs would carry them.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for it to happen,” I gushed, hoping Josie would understand. “It just happened.”
Josie looked perfectly white, which was quite a task considering she’d been using a new bronzer her mother got from her makeup artist. She wrapped her arms around her waist and doubled over. “I think I’m going to be sick.”
Lucy rested her hands on Josie’s shoulders and led her to the water fountain, where she rubbed Josie’s back while Josie leaned over the sink and splashed cold water on her face.
Lucy moved aside as more students headed to the gym. “Please tell us you’re kidding.”
I shook my head.
“Then please tell us that you sacrificed your body for the sake of the project.”
“When?” Josie asked through the drops of water.
“Saturday night,” I answered, my voice wobbly.
“What the hell were you thinking?” Josie shrieked. “You said you hated him. You said he needed to be reformed. You were supposed to be making him a better boyfriend for me!”
It wasn’t until she stopped yelling at me that I noticed a group of sophomore guys—a group that included my brother—watching the entire scene from the entrance to the gym.
Lucy shook her head, confused. “Wait a minute—this just happened? Saturday night?”
“I’m so sorry,” I told them in a voice so meek it almost sounded like I was whispering. There was nothing else I could say, nothing left for me to do.