"No, let's go to Umberto's. We haven't had a good Italian meal since we visited Gavin at La Mia Casa."
Alexa stroked his cheek. "It's going to be ok."
He forced a smile. "I know."
But the inner voice that had been quiet for so many years burst into vibrant life.
No, it won't. It's never going to be ok again...
***
"I'm worried about Nick."
Maggie lifted her cup of cafe mocha to her lips and paused. "What's up?"
"Old Yeller's sick. We're waiting on test results to see if it's cancer." Alexa pushed aside her croissant, too upset to even enjoy the buttery treat. Her best friend noticed the gesture and concern darkened her cat green eyes.
"He's nuts about that dog. Who would've thought the man transformed from hating a fish to animal advocate? Can I do anything to help?"
Alexa nibbled her lip. Odd, she knew her husband to the core, and the darkness from his past. Both Maggie and Nick had suffered at the hands of two selfish parents who gave them no love and made their existence hellish. But they'd both grown and opened. Maggie was now happily married to her friend Michael, and Nick had changed from a cold, distant figure to a man filled with warmth and love. But lately, her husband was pulling way back, as if trying to protect himself from bad news in the only way he'd learned to cope when he was young. Foreboding washed over her in some crazy mystical surge. As if the worst was yet to come, and she'd need to watch over her husband carefully.
"Just be there for him, Mags. We both know how the past can sometimes come back and haunt you. Something's going on with him, I can sense it."
Maggie nodded. "I'll call him later for a check in. Promise I'll be here if we need to do an intervention. I'm hooked on that A&E series and know how to run one. And trust me, it's hardcore."
Alexa laughed. "Good to know."
"And always remember the almighty secret weapon we all hold."
"What's that?"
Maggie rolled her eyes. "Dude, haven't I taught you anything? Sex, of course." The thought of their passionate encounter in front of the fire flashed in her vision. The stroke of his tongue, the nibble of teeth, the urging of his fingers toward orgasm, the release exploding through every muscle to her core, seeping with heat and that glorious melty caramel feeling he always coaxed from her body. "Aha, I can see by your face you got that part covered. Nice job."
Alexa sighed and shook her head. "Stop being nosy or I'll call Michael and get him to wreak a bit of revenge."
Maggie glared, but shut up and drank her coffee.
Alexa hid a smile and reached for her croissant. Maybe just a few bites. Then definitely a salad for dinner.
***
Nick put down the phone, swiveled around in his chair, and gazed out the window. It was a beautiful day in the Hudson Valley. The gorgeous lines of the Beacon Bridge stretched out over the horizon, highlighting the kingly mountains and a sky that rivaled any Sinatra could sing about. Sun drenched rays covered the land and reflected on the water in a glitzy blast to the vision. A stark white sailboat drifted past on a lazy summer afternoon, a picture perfect scene of tranquility.
It was cancer.
Falling back on his sense of logic and order, he thought through his options. Dr. Jack wanted to operate immediately. If he got the entire tumor, recovery was a possibility. If the cancer had spread when he operated, it may be too late. The vet wanted Old Yeller in the office tomorrow morning. Putting him down wasn't an option. The dog was strong in spirit, if not as much in body, and Nick knew he was a fighter. He figured he'd let the operation dictate what to do and make the decision then.
A jet ski roared past. The teenager hit a wave, spun out and tumbled into the water. A few moments later, he surfaced, laughing, and climbed back on for another round.
He remembered the dog he'd found when he was young. After hiding it in the mansion, caring for him and feeding it, his father had found out and taken him to the shelter to put him to sleep. Called him a lousy mutt, and not a real dog. The pain had been too intense to handle, so he'd pushed it way down and dealt. When Old Yeller came into his life, he hadn't wanted to get attached, but he'd lost that battle too. And if he lost him?
An icy ball of lead dropped in his stomach and stayed. The familiar darkness loomed, the reminder nothing was permanent, not even love, and whatever you risked could come back like a frikkin boomerang and take you out. He'd been living in denial for a while now, so happy he figured he'd hit stride and the bad stuff was behind.
Stupid. Even in Disney movies the villain took one last stand. Sometimes they even won.
Slowly, the emotions shifted into neat compartments, and he drifted into a pleasant numbness.
Maybe this was better, after all.
He dragged in a breath, swung away from the window, and called Alexa to give her the news.
***
"Daddy, what's wrong with Yeller?"
Nick turned to Lily, her open face and Caribbean blue eyes so like her mother's his heart automatically shifted. He paused for a moment, then spoke. "He's sick, baby. We'll take him to the doctor in the morning and he'll have an operation."
Lily's lower lip trembled. "Will he die?"
The words struck him like a hard punch and shattered through his body. "Maybe."
"Nick." His name ripped from Alexa's lips with an icy warning. "Lily. Come here sweetheart, let's talk."
His daughter trotted over and slid onto his wife's lap. "Sometimes, like people, dogs and cats get sick. Old Yeller is old, and the vet is going to try to make him better. But sometimes, things happen."
"They die and leave forever?"
He winced at her tiny voice. God, he hated this. Hated to rip down her innocence. He couldn't really protect anyone, could he? Alexa kept speaking in a calm, gentle tone. "They die, yes, but they never leave us forever. The people and animals we love here wait for us. For dogs, this is a beautiful place called Rainbow Bridge."
"What's that, mommy?"
"Rainbow Bridge is like a heaven for animals. Dogs and cats run, and play, there are endless toys, and treats, and they are always happy. They wait there for their owners to cross over the beautiful bridge and then they're together forever."
Lilly pondered for a few moments in silence. "People die, too. I don't like that."
"Yes, baby. We all die eventually. Hopefully when we're old, but sometimes not. But when we go, we're also in a beautiful place and happy, and we get to be with all the animals we loved, and all the people before us. Does that make sense?"
His daughter scrunched up her cute pug nose. "Yes. I don't like people leaving, like Grandma or you or daddy or Maria or Yeller or Simba. But if they're happy and get to play and we get to be together later, I guess that's ok. But we're gonna try and make Yeller better, right?"
"Yes. Dr. Jack is very smart. Now, run upstairs and I'll be up to read you a story and tuck you in. If you want to talk more, we can."
"K, mommy. Night, daddy."
"Night, Lily. " Emotion clogged his throat. He didn't want his six year old to experience the loss of innocence. The realization it had all been a mirage, that he couldn't protect anyone from heartbreak, broke something inside. Alexa moved closer to him and touched his arm. He barely managed not to jerk back.
"Nick. I know you're sifting through stuff. But there's a way to tell truth to the girls."
He stared into the fire and refused to meet her gaze. "I know. But you lied to her. We know nothing about afterward, or what happens. We have no control over anything here. It's all an illusion."
Gentle but firm fingers grasped his chin and forced him to turn. He expected pissed off feminine anger. He got patience, and a deep understanding that always blew him away. "I don't want to lose our dog either," she said softly. "And you're right--there are no guarantees. Why not have faith and believe in the best? You know, my mother told me something that always stuck with me. Whoever promised us fair? We have today, we do the best we can, and we tak
e a chance. If I had to suffer for the next thirty years, I still wouldn't have changed what we have, with the girls and our dogs, for anything." She stroked his cheek. "Personally, there are no other options for me. So, I'll believe. I'll be in it, no matter how painful or messy. What about you?"
She didn't give him the opportunity to answer. With a soft kiss on his lips, she rose and walked away. Nick sat on the couch for a long time, staring at his dog. Thinking about what she said.
And wondering if he'd ever have half the strength she did. Or if this was the beginning of a long string of disappointments for the woman he loved.
***
"I'm going to wait."
Dr. Jack lifted a brow. "Listen, Nick, it's a long procedure. Why don't you go home and I'll call you as soon as it's done."
"Thanks, but I'll wait."
Dr. Jack nodded and clapped him on the shoulder. "Got it. I'll give you guys a few minutes."
Nick walked over to the table. Old Yeller lay down with his usual quiet dignity, not really moving or flailing around like a normal dog would. Nope, this one already knew he was gonna have to dig deep and fight. For the first time in years, he was without his Mets bandanna and he looked naked.
He stroked the dog's fur. "Listen buddy, I have a few things to say. I'm going to wait here the whole time, so you're not alone. Alexa is home with the girls waiting for news. Simba needs you too. It may be rough, but it's not time for rainbow bridge. And yes, there is one, because if your mom believes in it, you know it's true."
The dog blinked with his big brown eyes. Complete understanding gleamed within their depths, and Nick's chest loosened a bit. He pressed a kiss to his head. "Now go kick a little ass and have a good sleep. I'll be here when you wake up."
He knocked on the door and Dr. Jack came back and wheeled his dog away.
Nick sat down and waited. He thumbed through a magazine, checked his email messages, and surfed the web. He'd already researched heavily into cancer, the different types, and the stats. Animal Planet chirped behind him on the television, and people came and went through the hours. When he checked in with Alexa, he made sure he sounded positive, and kept the conversation short.
Finally, Dr. Jack came out. His gut lurched and a cold sweat broke out on his brow from the look on his face. Oh, God, it was over. He was dead. Old Yeller was dead.
"He made it through the surgery," the vet said. Nick breathed a sigh of relief but the speech wasn't done. "It was difficult, though. We got the tumor and it hadn't spread. If he was younger, it would easier to call, but there were some complications and we almost lost him. We have to wait and see."
Ice trickled through his veins. He managed a nod. "Ok. Can I see him?"
The vet's face was gentle. "No, I'm sorry, not yet. I want you to go home, Nick. Give him some time. I promise I'll check in hourly if that will make you feel better. I think Alexa needs you."
Alexa. Lily. He wanted to promise them a happy ending, but he didn't know if they existed any longer. Did they?
"Alright. I'll come back later. I'm staying here overnight."
The vet gave him a tired smile. "Fine, I know I won't be able to change your mind. I'll tell the nurses to expect you."
"Thanks."
He walked out and headed home.
***
Maggie was there waiting with Alexa when he got through the door. He quickly gave them the news. "I'm going to take a few hours to eat and rest, and then head back. I'd like to stay with him overnight."
Alexa wrapped her arms around her chest as if trying to gain warmth. "Yes, that would make me feel better. I'm going to put on some pasta for everyone, open some wine, and we'll eat soon."
Maggie followed him to the living room. "Where are the girls?" he asked.
"Upstairs playing. I brought them over some new dolls."
"Barbies?"
Maggie blew out a breath. "As if. I hate Barbie, though the pool was pretty cool. Her name is Shanna and she kicks butt."
"I swear to God, Mags, if she wears leather I'm throwing it out."
"Nah, just leopard print with some cool boots. Oh, and I brought some male dolls too. They're her employees."
He smothered a laugh. "You're gonna be the death of me."
"What's new? Spill."
"I just gave you the news."
"No, you're going to the dark side. I see it because I've been there." Her voice softened. Besides Alexa, his sister knew the tendencies he fought--the reminder that maybe he couldn't be what his family needed. The self-doubts came sometimes, but he hadn't struggled this bad for a while. "You know how crazed I am about Dante, right?
He shuddered. "That cat is a menace. Hisses, spits and won't let anyone get near him except you and the twins. And Wolfe, of course. I just don't get it."
"You don't have to. Dante is the best cat ever and you're just jealous he doesn't like you."
"Stop fighting," Alexa called from the kitchen. She drifted in, set two glasses of Merlot on the table, and headed back out. "I swear I always need to referee you both. Be nice."
Maggie stuck out her tongue. Nick fought a chuckle.
"So, where were we? Oh, Dante. Well, last year we got a scare and thought we'd lose him. I kind of freaked out. I guess animals are our trigger button. I mean, come on, me and you never thought we'd have a happy ever after. Not possible with the dynamic duo from hell who birthed us. I started doubting I could keep making Michael happy, then I got crazed about the twins, and I was sunk right into the pit of doom."
Nick sipped his wine. That tight feeling within him began to loosen. "What did you do?"
Maggie shrugged and plucked up her glass. "I had a bad few days. Got in a fight with Michael. Started believing my life was just an illusion ready to crack open. And then to boot, Dad called me."
He almost sputtered on his wine. "What? You didn't tell me Jed was bothering you? Son of a bitch, I'll kill him."
She waved her hand in the air. "I took care of it. He divorced wife number three, or four, I keep forgetting, and wanted to stop by for a family lunch. Of course, I told him no thanks, he laid a crapload of guilt on me, and I was reminded that most things don't work out. I started thinking about that time he put me down in front of my friends when they were over, calling me a drain on society because the only thing I'd ever be good for is to breed since I was too dumb to have any type of career."
He tightened his grip on the glass and swore he'd kill the man. "Mags, I'm sorry. He keeps surfacing like the proverbial bad penny and screwing with our heads."
"Yeah, daddy dearest certainly knows what buttons to push. I got rid of him, but I kept remembering stuff. Dante ended up being ok, but I realized I walk the edge a lot. Hard to forget. Michael was patient with me, and waiting when I climbed out of the past, but I realized something else."
"What?"
"It's not worth it, Nick. We got our shot at happiness, and it's here. Today. Now. It's never going to be perfect all the time, but if we keep leaping into the abyss at every bad challenge we face, we're going to burn out."
The truth of his sister's words slammed through him. Broke him open. And made him bleed.
But it was a clean cut, getting rid of the junk and infection that festered, until it ran clear again.
"How'd you learn all this stuff?"
Maggie smiled. "Mama Conte. She's like a witch, just knows what to tell me at the right time. Michael probably sicced her on me, thank God."
Michael's mother, aka Mama Conte, was both wise and knew how to crack through the barriers to get to the bone. Nick was happy his sister had a mother figure in her life who saw how beautiful she was, inside and out. "Yeah, Alexa is a bit of a witch herself. She's...special."
Maggie nodded. "I know. But so are we. A bit more screwed up, but deserving. Don't you think?"
Yeah. Once again, he did believe that. He'd just lost his way a bit.
His wife popped her head back in with a frown. "What's going on in there? It's way too quiet."
/> Maggie winked and squeezed his hand. "Nothing, just made my older brother speechless. As usual."
"Uh, oh. Anything I need to know about?"
They shared a look. "Nope," Maggie said. She took another long sip of wine and stood up. "But I gotta go babe. Time to save Michael, he's been with the twins a while now and I only got one text. Alarming."
"Bye. Love you," Alexa called.
Nick called out a goodbye and watched his sister leave. The vise around his chest had finally loosened. And he knew what he had to do.
***
Later that night, he sat by his dog, in the dim light, and waited. Dr. Jack told him it was still touch and go, but he was staying strong. The next twelve hours was critical to see if he could gather enough strength to pull through.
He contemplated things in the quiet. How far they'd both come from the beginning. The joy in their life, with the birth of the girls, and the introduction of a new puppy. The way Old Yeller would lay in the children's nursery every night, protecting them. The way he handled Simba crawling over him, the girls tugging at his almost nonexistent tail until Nick caught on to the game, and the way he gazed at the true love of his life, Alexa. The woman who had scooped him up from an abusive past, from a lonely shelter, and fought wildly for a chance to make him hers.
Nick came to peace with his thoughts, with his memories, and soaked up the presence of his companion. Then finally spoke.
"You're a great dog. You gave me something special, a chance with my wife I thought I'd screwed up for good. I don't want you to leave me, but I promise if it's your time, I won't screw up again. I'll make it right. And I'll see you over at Rainbow Bridge."
Old Yeller didn't open his eyes or bark or wag his tail. But it was ok.
And Nick waited.
***
When he opened up the door, Alexa waited for him in the foyer. Lily stood by her side, a solemn figure, blue eyes wide with expectation. Simba sat at her feet, for the first time not squirming or trying to get into trouble. As if he knew the news was dire, he whined softly and didn't even budge to greet him as Nick faced his family.
His voice broke slightly. "He's going to be ok. He woke up and he's going to be ok."
Alexa and Lily squealed, and Simba barked, running rampant circles around and around in celebration. Nick laughed and took them into the circle. "I'm gonna tell Maria!" Lily screamed.