Chapter Thirty-Four
We lay on the couch in silence for the longest time.
The music had long since stopped and a warm, gentle breeze swept over the deck, cool against my dampened skin as I lay in Toby's arms.
A deep chuckle vibrated against my cheek.
I tilted my head up. "What?"
"Nothing. I just thought I was in for a quiet night, and then you showed up at my door."
I leaned on my side and looked down at his flushed face. "Do you wish I hadn't?"
He ran his fingers through my hair. "No, I'm glad you did." He smiled. "You lunatic."
I frowned and went to hit him but he caught my wrist, dragged me down into a heated kiss, and I crumbled into him. Toby pulled down the rug draped over the back of the couch and arranged it over us. We lay in a twisted cocoon until the first rays of light pierced the sky. I managed to doze in short bursts, but even though I was sore and exhausted I couldn't still my mind.
Wow. So that was sex.
I lay on my side and watched Toby's peaceful, sleeping profile; the rise and fall of his chest; his arm curved over his forehead, and his perfect bow shaped lips slightly swollen from our kisses. He looked so young, and I smiled as I pushed a wayward strand of hair off his brow. He rolled toward me, blindly moved my wrist away from his face, snaking an arm around me.
"Get some sleep, McGee," he mumbled.
I giggled. "I can't."
He peeked one eye open. "You're going to kill me, go to sleep."
"Oh that's right. I'm much younger than you, I keep forgetting," I teased.
He poked me in the ribs, and I squirmed with laughter. His eyes were still closed but a broad smile spread across his face.
"Get some sleep, Tess."
I nestled into Toby's warmth and closed my eyes, but sleep did not follow easily.
Hours must have passed as the sounds of bird calls in the surrounding bushland greeted the morning. Toby stirred next to me, and I knew what he wanted. I wanted it, too. This time it was easier. His movements were slower, his mouth captured my gasps and moans. He pushed me to new points of madness, a blinding intense place, a place I never knew I could belong, but Toby took me there.
I was still sore, but I was able to immerse myself in his warmth. There was nothing else in that moment except Toby and me as he gathered me against his chest, both breathless; his thumb stroked my bottom lip as he tilted my head up, to look into my eyes.
"You're shaking," I whispered.
He kissed the top of my hair, and I listened to the frantic beat of his heart; I smiled, revelling in the fact that I was the one responsible for it.
Sleep must have found me eventually, as I jolted awake when the blanket shifted. Toby sat up stretching, his bones clicking and popping as he stifled a yawn. I smiled, shifting towards him, squinting; I shielded my eyes against the morning sun's rays. As Toby shuffled his jeans on, I watched the muscles contort in his back. He glanced back down at me with a coy smirk.
He leaned back on his elbow, his eyes studying mine and we watched each other openly, comfortably. Toby's hand rested on my stomach and as he began to sit up he froze as his gaze dropped towards my crumpled skirt pushed high above my waist.
He sat upright, swearing under his breath.
"Jesus, Tess!" Frantic, apologetic eyes met mine.
I sat up to see dried blood smeared against my thighs.
"Shit, I'm sorry. I didn't know, I just thought that ? oh, Christ, did I hurt you?"
I shifted the skirt downwards as I sat up and gave him a reassuring smile.
"Only a little." I grabbed his hand, but he flinched away which hurt more than anything that happened last night.
"I'm so sorry, Tess. I thought, if I had known ?"
Suddenly all the wonder and beauty of the languid, lazy affection we had shared moments before was gone, overcome by shame and guilt. As I searched for my shirt and undies, wanting to quickly cover myself, I hardly noticed that Toby had moved away from me. The sliding door was shoved open, and Toby appeared with a washcloth. He knelt down and wiped at my legs, his gaze intense, focused, as if erasing the blood would erase what happened last night.
I stilled his hand and took the cloth from him.
"Thanks."
Comprehension dawned on his face, and he left to let me clean myself up. I stood up and wiped my legs clean, then redressed. I found the empty condom wrapper at my feet, which I discreetly tucked into my shoe. I flamed crimson, in the heat of the moment I hadn't even thought about it, hadn't even realised Toby had used a condom. I was silently thankful that he had.
Toby came back outside, this time in a clean T-shirt and holding a glass of juice.
I held the cloth awkwardly, my cheeks burning with embarrassment. He handed me the juice and took the cloth from me.
"It's okay," he said, "I'll sort it." He ducked back inside and quickly disposed of it before returning with his own glass of juice. I wanted to die.
I gulped on my pineapple juice in an effort to distract myself from the awkward silence that loomed over us.
After a moment, Toby took my glass and set it aside. He lifted my chin to meet his eyes.
"You okay?"
I tried to smile and nodded, but it wasn't very convincing.
"You're a bloody lunatic, you know that?" he said, lips tilting into a lopsided smile as he shook his head.
I relaxed slightly as his fingers brushed against my cheek to tuck a sleep-tousled strand of hair behind my ear.
"So I've been told."
He bent down and kissed my forehead, and then my lips, but they didn't linger.
"I better get home," I said, "I don't want anyone to file a missing person's report."
He walked me round the front, his hands plunged into his pockets, neither one of us looking at each other.
I grabbed my bike and we stopped at the end of the drive, in silence.
What do you say in times like this? "Thanks for last night"? "You were great"? "We should really do this again sometime"? "Thanks for taking my virginity"?
Not that one.
Instead, I settled for, "Okay, well ? see ya."
I didn't look back as I started wheeling my bike down the street, knowing I couldn't hide my cringing face, knowing the dull ache between my thighs.
"Tess?"
I paused, my heart stopping at the sound of my name. He watched me thoughtfully, blinked, and it was once again broken by a smile.
"See you on the weekend?"
I wanted to cry with relief at such a minor semblance of normality. I smiled back.
"Sure," I nodded.
Once I walked around the corner, I straddled my bike with a deep breath against the pain and rode home with the sun in my eyes, a thousand memories swimming through my mind and a dumb, dreamy smile on my face.