Chapter Thirty-Nine
We drove to McLean's Beach and parked off in a leafy, secluded section just off the sand.
It wasn't the prettiest part of the beach, nor the biggest. It couldn't cater for more than a few at a time, which was what made it so perfect. The ute's headlights lit up abandoned sticks fishermen had wedged into the muddy embankment to stand their rods in. Apart from that, the beach was untouched. There were no other signs of civilisation. We were well and truly alone. As soon as Toby had put his car into park, I was already straddling his lap, kissing him deeply. It mattered little that the steering wheel jutted uncomfortably into my back; being in Toby's arms was all that I cared about.
I suppose we should have had the 'talk'; gone over where we were both at and where things stood between us. Even though all we did was make out and roam each other's bodies with our hands, neither of us wanted to break the moment. Not until there was a distant boom and burst of colour in the sky.
"Look at that." Toby nodded over my shoulder.
Fireworks lit the sky in a cascade of sparks and colour, it felt like they were swirling and exploding just for us. This part of the world at McLean's Beach was not only a secluded haven, but it was also the best position from which to watch fireworks I had ever been to, even better than the Point. They were far, yet seemed so close, like our own personal show. I rolled off him and sank onto the bench beside Toby, and we watched the sky in wonder. Toby wrapped his arm around me as I lay my head against his shoulder. When I wasn't transfixed with the beauty of the fireworks, I splayed my hand against his, linking our fingers together. Toby's other fingers folded through my hair in lazy strokes that made me smile with happiness.
"Don't fall in love with me, Tess."
I blinked rapidly, shocked back into the moment. It was like a record being scratched, or the slamming of a finger in a car door. I looked at him quickly, but his eyes were fixed on the fireworks.
Where had that come from?
Suddenly all the beauty, the intimacy of our entwined fingers, our closeness, felt cold.
"Don't flatter yourself," I said and sat up straight, breaking the connection.
Toby sighed. "I just don't think I'm the right guy for you."
Here we go, I thought. I wanted to physically brace my hand against the dash. Seemed he wanted the 'talk' after all.
"Let me save you some time," I said. "I'm seventeen, you're twenty-two, 'you're a nice kid and all, but let's face it' and blah, blah blah. Spare me the speech, okay?"
Toby grasped the steering wheel, I could see his jaw clench. "That's one way of looking at it," he said, "but I was thinking it's more to do with, 'what does someone like you see in someone like me?'"
My mouth fell open, and I quickly closed it. Was he serious? He couldn't be ?
Toby rolled his eyes in frustration as if I was an idiot for not getting it.
"Tess, you're smart, beautiful ? you're young! You have your whole life in front of you. I don't want to be a complication in that."
I could hardly believe what he was saying. I wanted to laugh, I wanted to cry, I wanted to beat the crap out of him for being so ridiculous.
I took a deep breath, then another one, thinking about what I wanted to say. "You know, before I started my job at the Onslow I guess my life was pretty uncomplicated. You know why? Because I was nothing. I just had Ellie and Adam. I couldn't talk to anyone else, really. Hell, I couldn't even make a bloody cappuccino without blushing. I was scared of everything; I wanted to just stay under my rock. Do you know how debilitating it is to live like that? Being terrified of everything, everyone? Being afraid of saying the wrong thing, wearing the wrong clothes, putting the wrong song on the jukebox? I have to think and analyse every step of my existence with this terror that I am going to fuck it up."
Toby listened, watching me; he didn't break contact, didn't even blink, as if he was peering deep into my soul. I guess after saying that, he pretty much was.
I broke from his gaze and looked down at my hands in my lap. "Then I met you and the Onslow Boys and everything changed. I can't even try and put into words how liberating it is. For the first time in my life I feel free. You did that. So if I was to choose? Then I choose complicated," I said, with a nod of finality. I met his eyes again in a silent challenge. "I choose you."
Toby looked at me for the longest time. It was hard not to break eye contact, but I simply refused to. Soon, a small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. I swear, I didn't even realise I'd been holding my breath 'til that moment.
Toby shifted his gaze out the windscreen, into the darkness over the water. The fireworks were over; I hadn't even noticed.
"Remember the first night we spoke?" he asked after a while.
"You mean when you told me to get off your car?"
Toby threw his head back and laughed in a way I had rarely seen.
"You should have seen your face."
"You nearly made me cry, you know," I said with a wry smile.
Toby fought to contain his laughter. "You know most girls would have told me where to go, or flipped me off." He shook his head. "But not you."
"Yeah, I know, rabbit in the headlights, such a good look."
"That's the thing. I've never met anyone like you, Tess. You think you're a no one? You're so wrong. So wrong. You stand in a room with all the Angelas, even the Ellies. None of them can compare to you. I remember when you started working at the Onslow, I couldn't keep my eyes off you. You were so terrified. You weren't full of yourself like other girls. Every time you walked into the bar, you were like a breath of fresh air. Even when Angela was a bitch to you, you rose above it. You made me see the difference in people. You're not a nobody, Tess, you're a somebody."
I let his words run over me as I tried to fight the tears that prickled at my eyes. I didn't need to ask about last night with Angela - I should never have doubted him. I was a somebody. My chest swelled with such intense emotion I didn't think I could bear it.
"Tess, the other night when we ?"
I closed my eyes, a single tear rolling down my check.
"Don't. Please, Toby. Don't spoil it."
Toby took my hand into his.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
I buried my face in my hands, afraid to meet his eyes, embarrassed about my coming confession.
"I'd liked you for so long, I was afraid that if I told you, you might have not wanted to ? continue."
Toby laughed.
"Tess, there isn't a drunken, screaming netballer in the world that would have made me not want to ? continue. I just may have gone about it a little differently."
He squeezed my hand gently, and I leaned into him once more, resting my head on his shoulder.
"So, you liked me for a long time, huh?"
"The longest."
"How long?" I could tell he was smiling.
I cringed. "For a stalkerishly long time."
"And how long is that exactly?"
"I saw you from across a crowded school yard."
"What? School?"
"I was doing my Year Seven orientation, and you were in Year Twelve standing with a bunch of boys."
"Wow," Toby said, "you little perv."
I giggled and the tension ebbed away. We fell into a comfortable silence for a while, but Toby broke it with a sigh.
"What are we doing?"
I moved then, climbing into his lap. I linked my arms around his neck. That was enough deep conversation. I pressed light kisses against his mouth, gently biting his bottom lip, and he dug his fingers into my back with approval.
"Well, whatever we're doing, can it be done at your place?" I whispered against his mouth.
He tilted his head back and cocked an eyebrow.
"Are you trying to seduce me, Miss McGee?"
"Is it working?"
Before I could kiss him again, in one fluid motion he slid me off his lap and turned the key in the ignition. I giggled at the unexpectedness of it and st
raightened beside him as he pulled into gear.
"You betcha."