Chapter Forty-Three
If there is one thing worse than self-pity, it was other people's pity.
They all looked at me with solemn, knowing gazes and sad smiles, and worst of all, they kept asking, "Are you okay?"
No, I was not okay.
It was as if someone had punched a hole in my chest and every rational slice of my brain refused to function. Ten days had passed since the disco without a word, not even a glimpse of him. I stopped checking my phone every few minutes after the seventh day. He hadn't come to the hotel all week.
I sat in a booth at the Caltex with Sean on a Tuesday afternoon, the one person who didn't offer sad smiles or patronising words of comfort. He was just as lost as I was.
"Have you seen him?" I asked.
"Yeah," Sean said, "and he's pretending nothing happened. Every time I go to talk to him about it, he refuses to."
Like I never existed.
"God knows what Carla said to him." I sighed.
Sean scoffed. "I knew as soon as I saw him over at the bar. Carla was whispering in his ear. Then he turned around and looked at me dancing with you, and I knew. In one look, I knew." His eyes focused on his fingers as he rubbed condensation off his glass.
I felt for him; he was at as big a loss as what I was.
"At least he'll talk to you."
Sean shrugged. "To be honest, I don't know what would be better. He's not the same with me, things probably won't ever be the same again. You don't betray a mate like that. You just don't."
He'd lost his best friend, and it was all because of me.
"How were you supposed to know? We hadn't told anyone. And now you guys are fighting ? Sean, I'm so sorry."
Sean grabbed my hand. "Hey! Don't you dare say you're sorry, it wasn't your fault."
"But it was," I said.
"You'd have to be blind not to know Toby liked you. It was me, I shouldn't have crossed the line."
I sighed. "Well, it hardly matters what his feelings were, anymore. It's pretty clear what they are now."
"He'll come around," Sean said, but he didn't sound convinced.
"Before or after he moves away?"
"In his defense, he took the job way before you came around."
"Is that why he broke up with Angela? Because he was moving away?"
Sean watched me for a long time, as if gauging whether or not I was serious.
I was deadly serious.
He stood, tossing a couple of ten dollar notes by our bill.
Was he going to answer?
After a second, Sean sighed. "It was you, Tess. He broke up with Ang because he was falling for you." He patted my head and walked out the door.
Toby had broken up with Angela to be with me. I felt worse than ever.
Two weeks. Nothing.
It was over. It was really over. I had surpassed the tears, the anxiety attacks and churned it into resignation. Though it had felt like so much more at the time, I had had my first summer fling. Toby would go to his new job, I would go back to school and normal life would start all over again.
I searched desperately for a silver lining; if Toby moved away I wouldn't be forced to see him with someone else, and if he wasn't around, I would find it easier to get over him.
Ellie even offered her own words of wisdom: "I think the fact that he took it so badly is a real testament to how much he liked you."
I curved a sceptical brow. "Grasping at straws much?"
I dragged my raggedy soul through Christmas, offering forced, half-hearted smiles and false cheer over the festive season. Work at the caf? and hotel was extra difficult. I was forced to be pleasant as I served the never-ending mass of customers. I'd sucked it up as much as I could, though, because I could sense Mum and Dad catching on to my despair.
I'd almost convinced myself that I would be okay as long as I could fake it. But then Ellie and Adam's parents came over for a BBQ; the forceful smiles and laughter was exhausting.
Adam perched himself on the island bench while I washed dishes in the kitchen.
There was a sense of great unease between us. It was all me. I couldn't let my guard down; I was afraid of letting down that barrier, of exposing my soft underbelly I fought so hard to keep hidden. I was tired, so tired of the way my insides ached.
I felt Ellie press beside me as she took the plate and washcloth from me.
"I don't think you can get that any cleaner, you know. You've been washing it for the past ten minutes." She smiled at me with that sad, sympathetic smile.
I flicked a bashful gaze at Adam who was looking at me as if waiting for me to crumble at any moment.
Ellie took over the dishes. She seemed nervous. Maybe it was me; things were strained between the three of us lately, and I knew it was my fault.
Adam sighed. "Just tell her, Ellie."
My head shot around to face her, suddenly alert.
"What? Tell me what?" I said, my eyes darting from Adam to Ellie and back again. "What are you talking about?"
Ellie placed the dish in the drainer and faced me as she dried her hands.
"They're having a farewell party for Toby tomorrow night."
She swallowed deeply, her eyes flicked nervously to Adam. "It's at Stan's shed, so you don't have to worry about running into him at the hotel ?" She broke off.
"But we're not going, right, Ellie?" Adam added.
Ellie shook her head violently. "Of course not."
My sweet, foolish friends. I smiled sadly out through the kitchen window. It was blindingly bright outside, a beautiful, sunny day. The blue sky blurred in my vision. I shifted and anchored myself to clasp the sink and avoid my friends' pity. My tear-filled gaze rested on the towering Ghost gum near our driveway, where it cast a shadow over our sunburnt lawn.
I remembered the day we stood on the front lawn, the same kind of sunny afternoon when Toby gave me a lift home from Horseshoe Bend. So many times I wanted to step over that line, not thinking how it could change everything, alter our newly formed friendship; if only I hadn't made that stupid bet, what would have happened then? Toby and I would be speaking, Sean and Toby would still be best mates. I would probably be going to Stan's tomorrow night to say goodbye to him, to wish him a happy life. Knowing what I did now, would I have changed a thing? Would I have taken back the feel of his hands on my skin? The linger of his soft lips on mine, the way he could bring me undone in ways I had never known I could feel?
No. I wouldn't change a thing. I couldn't regret what we had, our days in the sun, our nights in each other's arms, I could never regret or give those memories up. And that was what they were now - just memories.
It was truly the end. As if the knowledge slammed into me, my guard shattered and I cupped my face into my hands, sobbing with such force my entire body shook. I felt the circling of a pair of arms and then another, stroking my hair, my back. Adam and Ellie were there when I fell, like always. Ellie rubbed my back and cried with me, Adam pressed his lips to my temple and hushed me with words of comfort.
It was over; with a bone-jarring certainty, I finally accepted it was over.