XXVI
To Elizabeth the first days of Dick's absence were unbelievably dreary.She seemed to live only from one visit of the postman to the next. Shefelt sometimes that only part of her was at home in the Wheeler house,slept at night in her white bed, donned its black frocks and took themoff, and made those sad daily pilgrimages to the cemetery above thetown, where her mother tidied with tender hands the long narrow mound,so fearfully remindful of Jim's tall slim body.
That part of her grieved sorely, and spent itself in small comfortingactions and little caressing touches on bowed heads and grief-stoopedshoulders. It put away Jim's clothing, and kept immaculate the roomwhere now her mother spent most of her waking hours. It sent her onher knees at night to pray for Jim's happiness in some young-man heavenwhich would please him. But the other part of her was not there at all.It was off with Dick in some mysterious place of mountains and vastdistance called Wyoming.
And because of this division in herself, because she felt that herloyalty to her people had wavered, because she knew that already she hadforsaken her father and her mother and would follow her love through therest of her life, she was touchingly anxious to comfort and to pleasethem.
"She's taking Dick's absence very hard," Mrs. Wheeler said one night,when she had kissed them and gone upstairs to bed. "She worries mesometimes."
Mr. Wheeler sighed. Why was it that a man could not tell his childrenwhat he had learned,--that nothing was so great as one expected; thatlove was worth living for, but not dying for. The impatience of youthfor life! It had killed Jim. It was hurting Nina. It would all come,all come, in God's good time. The young did not live to-day, but alwaysto-morrow. There seemed no time to live to-day, for any one. First onelooked ahead and said, "I will be so happy." And before one knew it onewas looking back and saying: "I was so happy."
"She'll be all right," he said aloud.
He got up and whistled for the dog.
"I'll take him around the block before I lock up," he said heavily. Hebent over and kissed his wife. She was a sad figure to him in her blackdress. He did not say to her what he thought sometimes; that Jim hadbeen saved a great deal. That to live on, and to lose the things oneloved, one by one, was harder than to go quickly, from a joyous youth.
He had not told her what he knew about Jim's companion that night. Shewould never have understood. In her simple and child-like faith sheknew that her boy sat that day among the blessed company of heaven. Hehimself believed that Jim had gone forgiven into whatever lay behind theveil we call death, had gone shriven and clean before the Judge who knewthe urge of youth and life. He did not fear for Jim. He only missed him.
He walked around the block that night, a stooped commonplace figure, thedog at his heels. Now and then he spoke to him, for companionship.At the corner he stopped and looked along the side street toward theLivingstone house. And as he looked he sighed. Jim and Nina, and nowElizabeth. Jim and Nina were beyond his care now. He could do no more.But what could he do for Elizabeth? That, too, wasn't that beyond him?He stood still, facing the tragedy of his helplessness, beset by vagueapprehensions. Then he went on doggedly, his hands clasped behind him,his head sunk on his breast.
He lay awake for a long time that night, wondering whether he and Dickhad been quite fair to Elizabeth. She should, he thought, have beentold. Then, if Dick's apprehensions were justified, she would have hadsome preparation. As it was--Suppose something turned up out there,something that would break her heart?
He had thought Margaret was sleeping, but after a time she moved andslipped her hand into his. It comforted him. That, too, was life. Verysoon now they would be alone together again, as in the early days beforethe children came. All the years and the struggle, and then back wherethey started. But still, thank God, hand in hand.
Ever since the night of Jim's death Mrs. Sayre had been a constantvisitor to the house. She came in, solid, practical, and with aneveryday manner neither forcedly cheerful nor too decorously mournful,which made her very welcome. After the three first days, when shehad practically lived at the house, there was no necessity for smallpretensions with her. She knew the china closet and the pantry, and thekitchen. She had even penetrated to Mr. Wheeler's shabby old den onthe second floor, and had slept a part of the first night there on theleather couch with broken springs which he kept because it fitted hisbody.
She was a kindly woman, and she had ached with pity. And, because of herusual detachment from the town and its affairs, the feeling that shewas being of service gave her a little glow of content. She liked thefamily, too, and particularly she liked Elizabeth. But after she hadseen Dick and Elizabeth together once or twice she felt that no plan shemight make for Wallace could possibly succeed. Lying on the old leathercouch that first night, between her frequent excursions among the wakingfamily, she had thought that out and abandoned it.
But, during the days that followed the funeral, she was increasinglyanxious about Wallace. She knew that rumors of the engagement hadreached him, for he was restless and irritable. He did not care to goout, but wandered about the house or until late at night sat smokingalone on the terrace, looking down at the town with sunken, unhappyeyes. Once or twice in the evening he had taken his car and started out,and lying awake in her French bed she would hear him coming hours later.In the mornings his eyes were suffused and his color bad, and she knewthat he was drinking in order to get to sleep.
On the third day after Dick's departure for the West she got up whenshe heard him coming in, and putting on her dressing gown and slippers,knocked at his door.
"Come in," he called ungraciously.
She found him with his coat off, standing half defiantly with a glass ofwhisky and soda in his hand. She went up to him and took it from him.
"We've had enough of that in the family, Wallie," she said. "And it's apretty poor resource in time of trouble."
"I'll have that back, if you don't mind."
"Nonsense," she said briskly, and flung it, glass and all, out of thewindow. She was rather impressive when she turned.
"I've been a fairly indulgent mother," she said. "I've let you alone,because it's a Sayre trait to run away when they feel a pull on the bit.But there's a limit to my patience, and it is reached when my son drinksto forget a girl."
He flushed and glowered at her in somber silence, but she moved aboutthe room calmly, giving it a housekeeper's critical inspection, andapparently unconscious of his anger.
"I don't believe you ever cared for any one in all your life," he saidroughly. "If you had, you would know."
She was straightening a picture over the mantel, and she completed herwork before she turned.
"I care for you."
"That's different."
"Very well, then. I cared for your father. I cared terribly. And hekilled my love."
She padded out of the room, her heavy square body in its blazing kimonoa trifle rigid, but her face still and calm. He remained staring atthe door when she had closed it, and for some time after. He knew whatmessage for him had lain behind that emotionless speech of hers, notonly understanding, but a warning. She had cared terribly, and hisfather had killed that love. He had drunk and played through his gayyoung life, and then he had died, and no one had greatly mourned him.
She had left the decanter on its stand, and he made a movement towardit. Then, with a half smile, he picked it up and walked to the windowwith it. He was still smiling, half boyishly, as he put out his lightand got into bed. It had occurred to him that the milkman's flivver,driving in at the break of dawn, would encounter considerable glass.
By morning, after a bad night, he had made a sort of double-headedresolution, that he was through with booze, as he termed it, and thathe would find out how he stood with Elizabeth. But for a day or two noopportunity presented itself. When he called there was always presentsome grave-faced sympathizing visitor, dark clad and low of voice, andover the drawing-room would hang the indescribable hush of a housein mourning. It seemed to touch Elizabeth, t
oo, making her remote andbeyond earthly things. He would go in, burning with impatience, hungryfor the mere sight of her, fairly overcharged with emotion, only to facethat strange new spirituality that made him ashamed of the fleshly urgein him.
Once he found Clare Rossiter there, and was aware of something electricin the air. After a time he identified it. Behind the Rossiter girl'ssoft voice and sympathetic words, there was a veiled hostility. Shewas watching Elizabeth, was overconscious of her. And she was, for somereason, playing up to himself. He thought he saw a faint look of reliefon Elizabeth's face when Clare at last rose to go.
"I'm on my way to see the man Dick Livingstone left in his place,"Clare said, adjusting her veil at the mirror. "I've got a cold. Isn't itqueer, the way the whole Livingstone connection is broken up?"
"Hardly queer. And it's only temporary."
"Possibly. But if you ask me, I don't believe Dick will come back. Mind,I don't defend the town, but it doesn't like to be fooled. And he'sfooled it for years. I know a lot of people who'd quit going to him."She turned to Wallie.
"He isn't David's nephew, you know. The question is, who is he? Ofcourse I don't say it, but a good many are saying that when a man takesa false identity he has something to hide."
She gave them no chance to reply, but sauntered out with hersex-conscious, half-sensuous walk. Outside the door her smile faded,and her face was hard and bitter. She might forget Dick Livingstone,but never would she forgive herself for her confession to Elizabeth, norElizabeth for having heard it.
Wallie turned to Elizabeth when she had gone, slightly bewildered.
"What's got into her?" he inquired. And then, seeing Elizabeth's whiteface, rather shrewdly: "That was one for him and two for you, was it?"
"I don't know. Probably."
"I wonder if you would look like that if any one attacked me!"
"No one attacks you, Wallie."
"That's not an answer. You wouldn't, would you? It's different, isn'tit?"
"Yes. A little."
He straightened, and looked past her, unseeing, at the wall. "I guessI've known it for quite a while," he said at last. "I didn't want tobelieve it, so I wouldn't. Are you engaged to him?"
"Yes. It's not to be known just yet, Wallie."
"He's a good fellow," he said, after rather a long silence. "Not thatthat makes it easier," he added with a twisted smile. Then, boyishly andunexpectedly he said, "Oh, my God!"
He sat down, and when the dog came and placed a head on his knee hepatted it absently. He wanted to go, but he had a queer feeling thatwhen he went he went for good.
"I've cared for you for years," he said. "I've been a poor lot, but I'dhave been a good bit worse, except for you."
And again:
"Only last night I made up my mind that if you'd have me, I'd makesomething out of myself. I suppose a man's pretty weak when he puts aresponsibility like that on a girl."
She yearned over him, rather. She made little tentative overtures offriendship and affection. But he scarcely seemed to hear them, wrappedas he was in the selfish absorption of his disappointment. When sheheard the postman outside and went to the door for the mail, she thoughthe had not noticed her going. But when she returned he was watching herwith jealous, almost tragic eyes.
"I suppose you hear from him by every mail."
"There has been nothing to-day."
Something in her voice or her face made him look at her closely.
"Has he written at all?"
"The first day he got there. Not since."
He went away soon, and not after all with the feeling of going forgood. In his sceptical young mind, fed by Clare's malice, was growing acomforting doubt of Dick's good faith.