It’s time,
and so they go.
They go
because it’s
what they’re
supposed to do.
And so it is
with me.
She’s my mom.
He’s my brother.
I belong with them.
I’m going
because it’s
what I’m
supposed to do.
Sometimes we make choices.
Sometimes choices are made for us.
Either way, that’s life, and
we just hope for the best.
I STOP at Walgreens on the way and make a mad dash around the place, getting everything I can. Then I practically fly to the McManns’, hoping the whole way I can get her to change her mind.
When I get there, I ring the bell, holding the gift bag, and wait.
Mrs. McMann opens the door and I say hello.
Her eyes look sad. “Hi, Colby. Lauren’s upstairs, packing. Come in.”
I step in, and she shuts the door behind me.
“So, she’s really leaving?” I ask.
She simply replies, “Yes.”
“Does she have to go?” I ask. “I mean, could she stay here?”
“Well, I don’t think she wants to stay here.”
“No, she does. But she thinks you guys don’t want her. I mean, not permanently, anyway.”
She’s about to respond when Lauren appears at the top of the stairs. “Hey, Colby. Come on up.”
I give Mrs. McMann a quick glance before I head up the stairs.
I start to reach out, to give Lauren a hug, but she’s already walking down the hallway. “You got here really fast. My room is down here, at the end.”
I follow her. It’s a big house. There are at least four bedrooms that we walk past.
When we get to her room, she plops down on her bed. Her suitcase is on the floor, full of clothes, but not zipped up yet.
“So what’d your mom say?” I ask.
“She said that she wants to be a family again. She wants to save up our money so we can move back to Seattle, and we’re going to fight to get shared custody of my little brother.”
“You want to go, then?”
“Of course.”
“Did she apologize? Say she missed you? Anything?”
“Yeah. She apologized. In a general sort of way. I mean, I could tell she feels bad.”
“Did she ask you how you’ve been?”
“You don’t understand, Colby.” She stands up and goes to her dresser, where she picks up a hair band and throws it in her suitcase. “She’s not really like that. And don’t make her out to be the bad guy in all of this. It’s not entirely her fault. I made mistakes too. It’s just a messed-up situation, and the important thing is that she wants to try and make it right.”
I get up and go over to her. “But, Lauren —”
She doesn’t let me finish. “Can I see what you brought me? We don’t have all day, you know.” She smiles, trying to lighten the mood. “Don’t you have to catch a bus soon?”
I look at the clock on her nightstand and realize she’s right. I texted Coach and told him I forgot something and had to run home, so I’d have to miss the spirit ralley after lunch. Pretty sure he’ll forgive me for that. Missing the team bus, however, would not make him happy.
I hand her the gift bag. She takes it and sits down on her bed again. One by one, she pulls the items out.
A bottle of blue nail polish.
A small picture of a vase of daisies.
Stickers of the sun and hot air balloons.
A paint-by-number set of three parrots.
A cupcake wrapped in cellophane.
And finally, a bag of Bugles.
“Oh, Colby,” she whispers, tears in her eyes. “My favorite things.”
“All except the bake sale.”
She holds up the cupcake. “But something you’d find at a bake sale, yes?”
I nod. “Right.”
She stands up and hugs me. “Thank you so much.”
“Can you come to the game tonight?” I ask when we pull away. “Before your flight?”
She straightens the strings of my hoodie, avoiding my eyes. “I told them they could drop me off at the airport and then go to the game. That way, they don’t have to risk missing any of it. I’ll be there really early, but that’s okay.” She points at the bookcase full of books. “I have plenty of books to choose from.”
“Lauren, you don’t have to go, you know.”
She takes my hand. “Yes, I do. I know you probably don’t understand, but …”
“Is it really what you want?” I ask. “Just tell me that.”
WHAT I want
is for you
to build a bridge.
A bridge that
connects these
two parts of my
life so I don’t
have to choose
one or the other.
I don’t want to choose.
Because the thing about choices?
You get something
while you lose something else.
And if you choose wrong,
you risk losing
everything.
SHE KISSES me. Softly. Slowly. It tastes like sadness. I wonder if all good-bye kisses taste that way.
Then she answers my question in an odd way. “Going to live with my family is what I have to do. What I want doesn’t matter.”
“Lauren, don’t you see? What you want matters most of all. You don’t have to.”
She changes the subject. “I’m sorry to break our date tomorrow night.”
I sigh. “Well, I did it to you first. I guess we’re even now.”
She’s still holding my hand as she leads me to the door. “Thank you for the gifts. I’ll paint the birds and send them to you. You can hang it in your locker.” She tries to lighten the mood. “All the guys will be so jealous.”
I reach out and hug her again. “I don’t want to go,” I whisper into her hair.
She pulls away. “You have a game to play, Number Twenty. The whole town is counting on you.”
“Benny’s flying in,” I tell her. “For the game.”
“Oh my gosh, that’s awesome!” she says. “See, you won’t miss me tomorrow night. You two will be up at Murphy’s Hill. Just like old times.”
I stare at her. “Lauren. I’m going to miss you. More than you know.”
She bites her lip. Looks at the floor for a moment before she finally says, “You should really go.”
“Stay in touch?” I ask.
She nods. “Absolutely.”
“You promise?”
She holds up her hand, like she’s swearing. “I promise.”
It makes me think of my promise to Benny. To be happy. Right now, that seems completely and totally impossible.
WHEN JOSH and Erica
come to my room later,
they appear uneasy.
They sit and tell me
that we’re making a big
mistake, rushing into this.
Josh called my mom
and talked to her some more.
“She’s living with some guy she met online,” he says.
“That’s why she moved there.
Lauren, I think she’s pretty messed up.”
I argue with them. I tell them it’s
because she’s missing her family.
I try to convince myself
as much as I try to convince them.
They ask question after question,
like I’m on trial for murder.
No, I don’t know for sure if she’ll get Matthew back.
No, I don’t know why he was taken away in the first place.
No, I don’t know when we’ll move back to Seattle.
Is it a crime to want to feel wanted?
Is it a crime to miss your little brother?
Is it a crime to
try to fix your mistakes?
Finally I scream, “Why are you doing this?
They’re my family. I belong with them!”
“But maybe you belong with us,” Erica says softly,
like she has to be careful or
the words will crack and break.
I want to grab on to those words
and hold them tight. But I can’t.
The guilt and worry and sadness
I feel about everything
that’s happened won’t let me.
“Stay and let us help you. Let us be your family.
Don’t you see, Lauren? We love you.”
“But, you don’t trust me,” I say.
“Maybe at first, we didn’t,” Josh says.
“Because of things your mom said.
But we do now. Let us prove it to you.
Stay and let us show you.”
“Don’t feel sorry for me,” I say,
tears pooling in my eyes.
“I don’t want your pity.”
“No,” Josh says. “This is not pity.
This is so much more. Just ask the kids,
who are downstairs,
wishing and hoping you
don’t get on that plane.”
I think of the three of them, huddled
together, wanting a happy ending,
like one of their storybooks.
“But … my mom. And my brother.”
Erica takes my hand. Holds it.
“Your mom will be okay.
We’ll make her understand.
And we can visit your brother
as much as you want.”
It’s like a whirlwind of thoughts
in my brain and I’m in the middle,
trying not to get swept
away in the wrong direction.
“I really want to go to college.”
“Of course you do,” Josh says. “And you should.”
“I’ll get you lots of books to read.
About applications and financial aid.”
I smile through the tears.
“It’s not too late? To apply?”
“Not at all,” he says. “And we’ll help you.”
“I know it probably sounds weird,
but I think I want to study birds.
Like, I’m fascinated by them, and maybe
I can’t make a living doing that,
but I’d like to find out. To learn more.”
“Going to college is a great way
to explore your interests,” Josh says.
“Did you know we have a pair of mourning doves nesting in the bushes in our backyard?” Erica asks.
“It’s almost winter,” I say. “Do they stay here?”
“Yes,” she says. “They don’t migrate.”
They stay here. Right here.
“Please, Lauren,” Josh says.
“Stay with us.”
Maybe I had it all wrong.
Maybe I’m a mourning dove.
Maybe I am
supposed
to stay.
I KEEP hearing the words I said to Lauren.
What you want matters most of all.
How can I be such a hypocrite? Telling her that, and yet not believing it for myself?
Lauren doesn’t have to go, and yet she is, because she thinks that’s what she’s supposed to do.
I’m so angry, I can hardly see straight as I drive.
I can’t make Lauren do the right thing. I can’t make her stay. But I can do the right thing for myself. It’s so obvious now, what I’m supposed to believe in when this game tonight is over.
I’m supposed to believe in myself.
That’s why Coach put that ahead of the team and the season. When everything else is over and done with, I still have myself. I still have to believe in me. And believe that what I want for my life matters.
I call my dad and put it on speaker.
“Colby! Good, I’m so glad you called before you left. I know you must be nervous, but it’s going to be —”
“Dad,” I interrupt him. “Listen. I’m calling to tell you something. I know you’re not going to like it, but I need to get this off my chest. This will be my last game. After tonight, it’s over. I’m done.”
“What do you mean you’re done?”
“I mean, I’m done with football. I don’t want to play next year. I want to go to Whitman College in Washington, and I want to study civil engineering. I’ve read up on Whitman, Dad, and it’s a good school. Not too far from home, either.”
“Son, look, let’s not talk about this now. Your emotions are running high because of this game, and that’s understandable. It’s okay. Relax. Don’t worry about college right now. We have a lot of time to decide.”
“No, Dad. I’ve decided. Me. Because it’s my decision. Please, you have to understand, I don’t want to play anymore. I love my team, and yeah, I love what I’ve learned being a part of that team. But I’m ready to move on. And I need you to be okay with that. Please? Please, tell me you’re okay with that. Because I can’t stand the thought of disappointing you.” Tears stream down my face. “Please, Dad.”
“How are you going to pay for it if you don’t have a football scholarship?”
“I don’t know right this minute, but I know people do it all the time. I’ll figure it out.”
“You make it sound so easy, Colby. Private colleges are expensive. And besides all of that, you have talent, son. Real talent. Do you know how many kids would kill to have what you have? I’m just not sure you’re thinking clearly on this.”
I pull into the school parking lot and park my truck. Players are streaming out of the school, ready to go have the time of their lives. And then there’s the line of cheerleaders, Meghan and all the rest, standing by the bus. I’m sure they’ve planned some kind of send-off that we’ll never forget. We’re stars after all.
But I’m so tired of being a star in a jersey.
I just want to be me.
“Colby? You still there? Look, let’s talk about this tomorrow, okay? You have a game to play. Concentrate on that.”
I’ve probably done all I can do for now. I realize this isn’t a fight that I can win with just one phone call.
“Yeah. You’re right. We’ll talk tomorrow. But I need you to know, I’ve thought about it a long time. I just … I didn’t want to disappoint you, that’s why it’s been so hard for me to tell you until now.”
He doesn’t say anything for a moment. I’m about to say good-bye, when he says, “So what’s the deal with the civil engineering? You hoping to design bridges or something?”
“Yeah. That’s exactly what I want to do.”
“You know, your gram loves bridges.”
“I know she does.”
“She’s so proud of you,” he says. “She told me just last night how proud she is of the man you’ve become.”
“I’m glad you guys will all be there tonight.”
He pauses again, like he’s trying to find the right words. “And look, I want you to know, I’m proud of you too. Whatever happens, that will never change.”
I exhale as I lean down and rest my forehead on the steering wheel.
“Thanks,” I tell him.
“Have fun tonight,” he says. “Take it all in. It’s a night you’ll never forget.”
I think of what’s just happened with Lauren. I think about seeing Benny. And most of all, about being on that field one last time with my friends, my teammates.
And I know, for once, my dad is exactly right.
BIG BLUE sky.
Wide open road.
Cars heading out of town.
I understand now.
It’s more than a game.
It’s about being a part of something.
It feels good to be a part of something.
There is nowhere else I want to be
than in this car, going to this game.
I don’t ca
re that much about football.
I never have.
Still, I care about being a part of this night.
A part of something outside myself.
Creek parties.
Bake sales.
Aimless driving in the country.
I understand now.
Small-town life is
loving the wide roads one day
and wanting to leave and never
look back the next.
But you accept that’s how it is,
because you’re a part of something.
And because … it’s home.
BEFORE THE game, Coach gathers us in the locker room. If he’s nervous, he doesn’t show it. His voice is calm. Reassuring. I suddenly realize how much I’m going to miss that voice. His talks. The incredible leadership he’s provided.
I sure am going to miss him.
“Tonight is your night, gentlemen,” Coach says.
“You have worked hard to be here.
“You have endured physical and emotional pain, beyond any you could have imagined, and proved you are the best of the best.
“You’ve made it. You’re here. And I know you’re going to go out there and play harder than you’ve ever played before. So all I want to say right now, to each and every one of you, is enjoy it. Look up at those people, cheering for you, and take it in. Feel their love for you and this team and our small town, and play with full, proud, happy hearts.
“I believe in you.
“They believe in you.
“But what got you here is the belief in yourself. You never gave up. And that right there is the true sign of a winner, regardless of what happens out there tonight.”
He smiles and turns around. Waves at someone. And from the door that leads outside to the field, in walks Benny.