“Here I am,” said Alexander.
His voice cracking, Harold said, “Ask for some bread, Alexander. Please. Don’t be so proud.”
Alexander did not respond.
Harold leaned over him and whispered:“If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew, to serve your
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turn long after they are gone, and so hold on when there is nothing in you, except the will which says to them, ‘Hold on!’”
Now Alexander blinked. And Harold was gone.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
New York, December 1945
TATIANA WAS PUTTING ANTHONYto bed when he suddenly said, “Mama, can Jeb be my daddy?”
“Probably not, honey.”
“Can Edward?”
“Yes, maybe him. You like him?”
“I like him. He is nice.”
“Yes, honey, Edward is a good man.”
“Mama, tell me a story.”
She kneeled by the side of Anthony’s bed, and clasped her hands together as if in prayer. “Want to hear about how Pooh Bear and Piglet found an endless pot of honey and Pooh Bear got so big he had to be put on a diet—”
“No, don’t want that one. Tell me a cary one.”
“I don’t know scary ones.”
“Cary one,” he said, in a declaration that invited no argument.
Tatiana thought about it. “All right, I’ll tell you about Danaë, the woman in the chest.”
“The woman in the chest?”
“Yes. A painting of her, by great painter named Rembrandt, used to be in big museum of city I was born, Leningrad. But when war started, paintings were all shipped out from museum, and I don’t know if Danaë and all others are safe.”
“Tell me about woman in chest, Mama.”
Tatiana took a deep breath. “Once upon a time, there was cowardly man named Acrisius. He had a daughter named Danaë.”
“Was she young?”
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“Yes.”
“Was she a bootiful princess?” Anthony giggled.
“Yes.” Tatiana paused. “But Acrisius had the oracle—”
“What is oracle?”
“Person who tell you future. He had oracle warn him that his daughter’s son was going to kill him. So he got very scared—”
“He didn’t want to die?”
“That’s right. So he locked Danaë away in bronze chamber so no one could get to her and give her a baby.”
Anthony smiled. “Someone got to her?”
“That’s right. Zeus.” Tatiana’s hands were clasped. She was on her knees. “Zeus found way into Danaë’s bronze chamber by making himself into golden rain, and Danaë was loved by a god…and he gave her a baby, a son. Do you know what they called him? They called him Perseus.”
“Perseus,” Anthony repeated.
Tatiana nodded. “When Acrisius found out that his daughter had son, he became so scared that he didn’t know what to do. He did not dare kill boy, but he couldn’t let him live, either. So he had mother and child put into chest and set adrift in stormy sea.”
Anthony was listening raptly.
“They were set adrift with no food and all alone. Danaë was scared, but Perseus wasn’t scared.”
Tatiana smiled. “Perseus knew in his baby heart that his father wouldn’t let anything happen to him. Nor to Danaë.” She paused. “And his father didn’t. Zeus asked god of sea—Poseidon—to still the waters and calm the waves to let them pass safely in their frail ark to wash ashore on island in Greece.”
Anthony smiled. “I knew they be safe.” He breathed in deeply. “Did they live happily ever after?”
“…Yes.”
“What happened to Perseus?”
“Someday, when you are older, I will tell you what Perseus’s future held.”
“You will be my…oracle?”
“Yes.”
“But he didn’t die?”
“Oh, no. He grew up nicely. All people on island could guess right away that Perseus was of royal
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birth—the son not just of a king, but of a god. He grew up strong, played all games, always beat his playmates, but his mind was set only on brave deeds by which he might prove himself to be hero among men.”
Anthony stared at his mother. “Did Perseus become a hero?”
“Yes, son,” answered Tatiana. “Perseus became spectacular hero. When you are little older, I will tell you what he did to Gorgon Medusa and to sea monster. But now I want you to have sweet dreams. I want you to dream of Luna Park and cotton candy and playing hide and seek under the boardwalk. All right?”
“Mama, wait—was the oracle right? Did Perseus kill…that man?”
“Yes, son. Perseus did kill Acrisius. Accidentally. Without meaning to.”
“So he was right to send them away.”
“Suppose so. Didn’t matter much, though, did it?”
“No. That wasn’t very cary, Mama. Maybe sea monster next time?”
“Maybe. I love you.” She closed the bedroom door behind her.
Vikki had gone out for the evening, to another Christmas party at the hospital. She had invited Tatiana, but Tatiana had gone to several holiday parties in the last few weeks and was all partied out. She was at the kitchen table with a cup of tea and theNew York Times spread out in front of her, and the radio on with the latest from Nuremberg, when the doorbell rang.
It was Jeb. He was wearing his naval whites, and he looked tall and wide, and…
“What you doing here?” she asked, surprised. She was not expecting him.
“Why, I’ve come to see you,” Jeb said, pushing past her and inside.
She closed the door behind him. “It’s late.”
“Late for what?”
Tatiana went to the kitchen. “You want cup of tea?”
“How about a beer? You have a beer?”
“No, no beer. Just tea.”
She made him a cup of tea and settled tensely on the couch next to him. Jeb took a sip and put the cup down. “House is quiet,” he said. “ThatVikki not here?”
“She stepped out for minute,” said Tatiana.
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“At eleven at night?”
“She be back any minute.”
“Hmm.” Jeb eyed her. “You know, you and I never have a chance to be alone.” He rubbed her thigh.
Tatiana did not move away from him.
“Yes. Why won’t you come over to my place?”
“Don’t you share apartment with Vincent?”
“What doesthat have to do with anything?”
“You not alone, either.”
“Yes, but Vikki isalways around,” he said tendentiously. “And Anthony, too.”
Tatiana squinted. “Anthony has nowhere to go,” she said slowly.
“Hmm. He’s sleeping now?”
“Restlessly, yes,”
“Hmm.” He pushed her down on the couch. His mouth was on her neck.
“Wait,” said Tatiana, turning her head this way and that. “I can’t breathe.” She was pushing him away, but he wasn’t going anywhere.
“Hey,” he said, “you smellgreat …and we’re alone.”
“Get off, please.”
“Oh, Tania, sweetheart, you don’t know who you’re dealing with.”
“And you don’t know who you’re dealing with,” she said, forcibly moving his face off her, and slipping onto the floor from under him. Panting, she said, “Jeb, I’m sorry, I’m tired. I have to get up very early.
Can you go?”
“Go?” he said in an irritated voice. “I’m not going anywhere. Not going anywhere, till I—” He broke off.
“What do you think I came here for?”
“Jeb, I don’t know. I’m not going to guess. Fight with me, I reckon. I’m not in mood to fight.”
“I won’t fight with you, Tatiana,” he said, getting up off the couch and coming toward her. “That’s not what I’m in the mood for.”
“Well, I’m not in mood to fight or anything,” she said, souring on him and his naval uniform and his height and his hair, souring on him, gleaning a displeasure at herself, and remorse, and suddenly a clearing of her senses. Could she have beenso transparent?
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“Tania, I feel you’ve been stringing me along,” Jeb declared, stepping away and sitting down on the sofa.
“Not at all. We are getting to know each other, that’s all.”
“Yes, we’ve gotten to know each other plenty. Plenty! Frankly, I want to get to know you a little better.”
Tatiana stared coldly at Jeb, sitting with his legs spread open, his arms spread open on the back of the couch. “I have child in bedroom. What are you thinking, raising your voice, acting this way?” She started to walk to the door.
Jumping up, he grabbed her by the arm. “I’m not leaving.”
“Youare , Jeb,” she said. “If you want to see me again, you will leave now.”
“Is that a threat?” he said, yanking at her sweater. “What are you going to do?” He laughed. “Kick me out? Stop me?”
“Yes, and yes,” she said.
He grabbed her, bringing her to him. “I see the way you look at me,” he whispered. “You think I don’t see, but I see. I know you want it too, Tania.”
“Stop it,” she said, struggling to wrest herself away from him. A pang of sadness shot through her.
Sadness for herself.
He laughed and held her tighter. Tatiana took his arm and pinched him very hard on the wrist. “Get control of yourself.”
“Ouch!” he said loudly. “You want it rough? Is that what you want?” He forced her back onto the couch.
“Don’t you understand?” she said, panting. “I don’t want it at all. I’ve made terrible mistake.”
“Too late for mistakes, dearie. I’m done walking around you on eggshells.”
She was trapped beneath him, and she was so fed up, and so sick and tired of herself, she didn’t know what to do. I have been loved by Alexander, she thought. This will not be my life. Pretending to kiss Jeb, Tatiana bit down hard, breaking the skin of his lip with her teeth. He yelled, and she pushed him off her and jumped to her feet. He jumped up too, and before she could move or duck or turn away, Jeb swung and struck her. She tottered, dropped to the couch, wavered, saw white light, but struggled to keep conscious because she heard a low noise near the bedroom door. Anthony stood in his pajamas, melting into the wall, looking at Jeb and trembling. “Don’t—” he said in a small voice. “Don’t you hurt my mama.”
Tatiana crawled to him.
Jeb cursed, wiping the blood off his mouth.
Tatiana pushed Anthony inside the bedroom and whispered, “Stay here, and don’t come out no matter what, do you hear me?” Quickly she went to the closet, and reached down into the corner on the floor to
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get to the black backpack.
Anthony didn’t respond, his lip curling down in a shudder.
“Do you hear me? Not foranything .”
He nodded.
Tatiana closed the door behind her.
Tatiana looked at Jeb as if she had never seen him before. How could she have been so swayed by what Alexander had been? She had thought she could replace just a part of him, that it would be all right if she replaced the one part she so desperately missed of Alexander, the one part she craved and wanted for herself, that she would feel better, that she would be comforted. And now look at what she had done.
Breathing hard, Tatiana pointed her German P-38 pistol at an amused and panting Jeb, and said, “Get out of my apartment.”
He glared at the gun with surprise and then laughed. “Where on earth did you getthat little playtoy?”
“My husband and father of my child gave it to me to protect me from cannibals,” she said. “My husband was major in Red Army and he knew how to use this, and he taught me. Now get out.”
She was holding the gun with both hands and her feet were apart.
“Is that even loaded?” he asked with contempt.
Tatiana paused, cocked the hammer, moved the muzzle slightly to the left of Jeb’s face, took a deep breath, and fired. Jeb staggered backward and fell to the floor. The bullet blew a hole in the plaster and got lodged in the outside brick of the building. It had made a very loud noise, but Anthony did not come out of the bedroom. There was some half-hearted banging from downstairs, warning her to keep it down.
Tatiana came up to Jeb and hit him hard on the face with the barrel of the gun. “Yes. It’s loaded,” she said. “Now get the hell out.”
“Are you fucking crazy?” he yelled, his hands up in front of him.
She stepped away and pointed the weapon at him. “Out.”
“You’ll be sorry for this! Very sorry. I want you to know I amnot coming back,” Jeb said to Tatiana, scrambling to his feet.
“I’m hoping somehow I’ll manage. Get out.”
After he had gone, Tatiana bolted and chained the door. She washed her face and hands, and then went in to see her son, who was huddled in the corner of the room. Bringing him back to bed, Tatiana covered him up, sat with him a moment but couldn’t speak. She patted his blanket and left the room.
She went out onto the fire escape and sat in the cold night. Six flights below was the whine of an ambulance rushing down Church Street.
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That’s it for me, Tatiana thought. That’s it. I feel it. I can’t continue.
I am going to lie down on his sled and close my eyes and he will pull me along the snow to my Fifth Soviet building, except when we get there, I will not feel his hand on my cheek.
She looked at the gun in her lap, with seven bullets still in the clip, and she thought, it would take just one split second. Not even that. It would take one one-thousandth of a second, and it would all be over. So easy.
She closed her eyes. What comfort. Not to have to wake up again. Not to have to wake up and think of him on the ice.
What comfort not to suffocate.
Not to love.
Not to hurt, to want, to grieve. As if grief is not only my prerogative but my comeuppance. I caress the grief as I once caressed him; as long as it’s here, he is here; as long as I’m pretending to live, I can be near him. I’ve paused over it, one, two, three years nearly, going on the fourth cartwheel of despair, I’m bereaved, let me alone, and let me gaze at my grief with passion and ardor.
We thought I was strong. We thought I could live through it all.
But we were wrong.
I just can’t seem to live through you.
Though I want to. I want to so much.
What a relief it would be not to have to live for both of us. What joy. She stared at the gun in her raised hands.
In her darkest hour, Tatiana heard her son’s voice say, “Mama?”
He was standing in his cotton pajamas near the open window, his lower lip quivering, watching her hold the pistol.
“Anthony,” she said. “Go back to your room.”
“No. I want you to put me to bed.”
“Go back to your bed. I’ll be right there.”
“No. Come with me now.” He was crying.
She put the gun down on the metal floor of the fire escape and climbed inside.
“Vikki will be here soon,” she whispered, laying him back down and covering him up.
“No,” said Anthony. “I don’t want Vikki. I want you. Lie down next to me.”
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“Anthony—”
“Mama, lie down next to me.”
In her clothes, Tatiana lay on Anthony’s bed, and put her arm around him. “Stay here,” he said. “Fall asleep with me, Mama.”
They lay quietly. Minutes passed. “Son, everything is going to be all right from now on,” she said. “I promise you. One of your father’s promises. Not your mother’s. Everything is going to be all right.”
Quietly Anthony said, “Was my daddy really a major in the Red Army?”
“Yes.”
Pause. “He wouldn’t have missed.”
“Shh, Anthony.”
Tatiana thought about tomorrow.
Continuing through fear, living through fear. And worse. Living through death. Loving throughhim .
Courage, Tatiana. Courage, babe. Get up, get up for me, and go on. Go on, go take care of our son, and I will take care of you.
Her guardian angel Alexander, her sweetest angel Alexander, floating above her veiled in sorrow, whispering to her:Tania, do you remember what you said to your sister as she was dying on the ice, on the Road of Life, as she was collapsing into the snow unable to walk, you said to her, come on, Dasha, get up. Alexander is trying to save your life. Show him your life means something. Get up and walk to the truck, Dasha.
Well, I’m saying it to you now. Show me your life means something. Get up and walk to the truck, Tania.
Tatiana lay next to Anthony until he was asleep. It was very late, and Vikki was still not home. Finally she got up off the bed, and went to put the pistol away into her backpack. She did not look at anything else there, but she did take the wedding rings from around her neck, kissed them once quickly and placed them in the pack too, to rest with his cap, and hisBronze Horseman book and the picture of him receiving his medal for rescuing Yuri Stepanov. To rest with his medal for rescuing Dr. Matthew Sayers from the ice—hisHero of the Soviet Union medal. Rings, medals, pictures, book, money, cap. Their two wedding photos.
All of it inside, and Alexander, too.
And Tatiana, too.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
New York, January 1946
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