have a car?
KELECHI. That’s just one of it. You know these days one ought to keep up with the joneses.
TAYO. (Soberly) just look at me, Kelechi. A man of twenty-five, living under his parent’s algae infected, almost dropping roof. I have no joneses to keep up with. No matter how hard I try, it doesn’t just work. Once I stole a huge amount of money, the very next day it was stolen. Another time a friend gave me money to start up a business, the very next week; I was at a bear-parlor and mistakenly squandered it. Just recently, I collected bank loans, but that was when I met Bisola. To make her love me, I had to buy her cloths. Now she has broken up with me because the loan has finished and she claimed it’s because I was lecherous. You see my friend; I have been trying so hard. But life is hard.
KELECHI. My friend, life is not hard. Only the hard ones view it in that perspective. (Laughed.) But you seem really sober about this.
TAYO. I am. Don’t laugh at my predicaments.
KELECHI. Tayo, Tayo. The smarto of Engine-boys, then, the one who steals handouts, leaving no trace, but never reads it, yet comes out with 4.5gpa, the one who can carry K.A Stroud into exam hall and never get caught. The …
TAYO. (Angrily) you came here to taunt me or what? Past is past.
KELECHI. No, past is not past. If you need to make it in this life. You have to awaken those skills.
TAYO. But there are no more exams to write again or g.p.a to acquire.
KELECHI. We call this ‘The Exams of life’, and your g.p.a is your wealth level. You will ride jeeps and use money for whatever in life you want. Build neoclassical houses, travel out and more.
TAYO. Are you seriously joking or just trying to mock me?
KELECHI. I don’t joke with these. (Turning around) Or are you too blind to see evidence on me. My friend, poverty is a disease and I have the cure.
TAYO. My friend, please help me.
KELECHI whispers into TAYO’s ear, and they walked out.
CURTAIN.
SCENE FIVE
Few minutes later. WAZABI’s house. A glass centered table, surrounded by expensive leathered cushion. Large cartons by the side of the stage. Bottles of drinks on the table. WAZABI, a chubby, short, ruthless man, self-centred and a narcissistic. Sits on a chair together with the POLITICIAN.
WAZABI. (Takes a sip from a glass cup) the very day I was to come back to Nigeria from the States. These drinks caught my eye. I didn’t even mind the fact that each bottle was $250, I bought the whole crate.
POLITICIAN. It really worth it. (Gulped in a full cup) now I see why they call you Wazabi.
WAZABI. Money is good.
POLITICIAN. (Laughing) And we have money. It speaks a language everyone understands; even those struck with poverty understand its language.
WAZABI. Absolutely.
POLITICIAN. (Looks at his wristwatch) when will this old man show up? I have being here for hours. I need to see him sanctify these drugs before I leave. I really need this money for campaign, elections are drawing nearer.
WAZABI. Aha! Now you seek money. The missing N150 million from your state budget, where did it go to?
POLITICIAN. Only N100 million came to me, the N50 million was to seal lips.
WAZABI. And the N100million?
POLITICIAN. Sometimes you talk like you are not a man. I am not a miser; you should know it went to drinks, girls, parties and that my new car came out of it too.
WAZABI. Don’t kill yourself with too much fun.
POLITICIAN. My friend, life’s short…
BOTH. So we have to enjoy as much as we can. If we don’t, someone else will.
Enter TAYO and KELECHI.
WAZABI. (Pointing at KELECHI. To the POLITICIAN) that’s my major boy. He is so good at it. Jobs that take others a week or more, he does in just two days. He can fill a plane with cocaine without raising any suspicion.
KELECHI. You exaggerate this too much.
WAZABI noticed TAYO who kept staring around, admiring the house.
WAZABI. And who is this young man?
TAYO. Good afternoon, sir.
KELECHI. He is an old friend of mine. We graduated together. I know him so well; he is going to be very good, possibly better than I can be. He is very adept at ’it’, He ably does ‘those things’ in school then. You can trust him on that and he is not loquacious about his skills.
WAZABI. (Nods in approval) since it’s you that recommended him. He is taken. (To TAYO) young man, what are your qualifications and years of experience in this business? Let’s be certain he’s not a charlatan.
TAYO removes a phone is pocket.
POLITICIAN. (Screams as he searches his pocket) that’s my phone.
WAZABI. (Claps) wow! That’s impressive. I didn’t even notice when you came close. (Laughs) But you can’t steal from me, am way smarter and ‘thiefer’ than you think you are. He is just a politician who does ‘signing theft’.
TAYO removes an ATM card from his pocket.
TAYO. (Stares at the card) sir, the name on it reads Akintola oshogbo. Is it yours?
WAZABI. (Bewildered) you mean…
POLITICIAN. (Claps) impressive! You stole from even the ‘thiefest-thief’.
WAZABI. You are taken. Over-qualified, a real novelty. Baba Agba will be coming soon to sanctify these drugs. So he will give you your own protection charm and you will have to take your oath of allegiance too.
TAYO. (To KELECHI) Oath? You didn’t mention that.
KELECHI. Yes oath. Not everything are said, the rest are experienced.
TAYO. But…
WAZABI. (Fiercely) but what?
TAYO. I am a Christian. My father is even a church elder. I can’t swear an oath like heathens.
WAZABI. Has you Christianity or your father’s church eldership brought you wealth?
TAYO. No. but…
WAZABI. Just in case you haven’t being told yet. After your first mission, you will earn $5,000.
TAYO. For me alone?
WAZABI. Yes, all for you. And afterwards, more will come.
TAYO. Where is Baba Agba? I want to swear now.
WAZABI. (Smiles) in no time he will be here.
Enter BABA AGBA.
BABA AGBA. (From a distance. incantations) surumole. Olori ebu,eyin esu,mo ki yin. eyin aje, mo ki yin ,ami lo pe yin,e faramole fi mo se ...
WAZABI. (Stands and bow) all hail Baba Agba, the great. The one who wrestle with the strongest of demons and death himself is his kid brother. The one who turns men to fools to create wealth for his very own, the wicked. Baba Agba, we hail.
BABA AGBA. Thank you, my son. Sorry I came late. Just wanted to ensure the charms were very potent.
Moves around the cartons saying some incantation. As he sprinkled liquid from the calabash with a leaf for a while.
BABA AGBA. Am through. (Stares at TAYO) I don’t think I have seen this young man before.
WAZABI. Yes Baba. He is ….
POLITICIAN. (Stands to leave) I have tried. I have to take my leave now. I just wanted to ensure the drugs were sanctified. (To WAZABI) and hope you know the account to send my share?
WAZABI. The fake account you named Adesoye?
POLITICIAN. Good, good. Till next time. (Leaves)
WAZABI. This is our new man. So you will give him a protection charm and make him swear the oath of allegiance.
BABA AGBA. (To TAYO) hope you know that after taking this oath of allegiance. If you try to expose anyone, you will go dumb instantly?
TAYO. Dumbness again?
BABA AGBA. Set your mind to rest. You won’t get caught.
Removes a kola nut from a smaller calabash and gave to TAYO to chew as he performed the rights over him.
CURTAIN.
SCENE SIX
The stage is empty, except for a few people walking round. Few Police men, women and children denote and airport passageway. Enter TAYO and KELECHI. Dressed in black suit, each with a briefcase.
KELECHI. This is your first mission. I wish you
good luck. An advice, keep your face blank.
TAYO tries to adjust his facial looks. His attention is drawn to a radio advert.
VOICE FROM RADIO. ….. We hereby call on the general public. Those who feel they are good with air musical instruments, trumpets, flute, etc. to apply for this life changing competition worth $10,000. A real life changer. Closing date is in two weeks time. Send your……
TAYO. When did you say we would be back?
KELECHI. In three days time.
TAYO. When we return. I will apply for this competition. Am certain I will win. Or, perhaps, I shouldn’t even go on this mission. Am going for money (Points to the radio) now this is money. At first I thought that was the last-ditch, but here is a better option.
KELECHI. We are here already, don’t begin your fickleness. No turning back.
TAYO. Perhaps, after this mission then never again.
Turns to move as a small child came running.
SMALL CHILD. Mummy, mummy!
She ran in between TAYO and KELECHI. TAYO’s briefcase fell opened immediately. KELECHI runs a distance. As TAYO tries to pack up. When the policemen ran towrds TAYO.
POLICEMEN. (Handcuffed him) Fool, you dare bring drugs?
TAYO. (Pointing at Kelechi) he too, he too....
Two other policemen ran and caught KELECHI.
KELECHI. (To TAYO) betrayer, jinx.
TAYO. Blur... Blah... Blur… ehm!
POLICEMAN1. What is wrong with this one? Is he mad?
POLICEMAN2. He is dumb. Can’t you see?
The POLICEMEN dragged TAYO and KELECHI away. KELECHI rained curses on TAYO.
CURTAIN.
SCENE SEVEN
Present. Same as scene three.
SEGUN. (Still talking excitedly) …. And could you believe this, brother. The driver… (Paused) brother, were you listening?
TAYO. Yes, I was. …I mean, what were you saying?
WARDER. (Licking his fingers) this food sweet oh. (Looks at his watch) Your time don