“I know that.”
“So what’s the matter?”
“You’re my second person, Tania.”
“Yes.”
“But who is yours?” whispered Dasha.
There it is.
Tatiana blinked. “You,” she said. Inaudibly.
ACROSS THAT FORMIDABLE SEA
I saw you, Tatiana,” said Dasha in the darkness. “I saw you and him together.”
“What are you talking about?” Tatiana’s heart stopped.
“I saw you. You didn’t know I was watching you. But I saw you five days ago at the post office.”
“What post office?”
“You went to the post office.”
Tatiana, kneeling by Dasha’s head, thought back. Post office, post office. What happened at the post office? She could not remember. “You know we went to the post office. We told you we were going.”
“I’m not talking about that. He goes with you everywhere.”
“He goes to protect us.”
“Not us.”
“Yes, Dasha, us. He is very worried about us. You know why he goes with me. Did you forget about the food he brings us?”
“I’m not talking about any of that,” Dasha said.
“Because of him, no one takes our bread. No one takes our ration cards. How do you think I’ve fed you? He has kept the cannibals from me.”
“I don’t want to talk about that.”
But Tatiana did. “Dasha, he brings me bread from dead soldiers to give to you, and when he can’t find that, he gives me half of his ration to give to you.”
“Tatiana, he brings it to you so you will love him.”
Stunned, Tatiana said, “What?” Recovering quickly, she said, “Wrong again. He gives it to you so you will live.”
“Oh, Tania.”
“Oh, Tania, nothing. Why did you follow me to the post office?”
“I felt guilty for not writing to Babushka. She looks forward to my notes. You are too depressing for her. You just can’t hide the truth like I can. Or so I thought,” Dasha said. “I wrote her a cheery note. I didn’t follow you. I saw you already at the post office.”
“We went to the store first.”
Tatiana got up to put another chair leg in the fire. The chair leg wasn’t going to last all night, but they had to ration themselves. When Alexander sawed up the table for them, Tatiana didn’t realize how much they wanted to be warm. The whole table was gone. Four chairs remained.
When Alexander brought them food, Tatiana didn’t realize how much they wanted to be full. The potatoes were gone. The oranges were gone. Only a bit of the barley remained.
When Tatiana came back to bed, she pulled the blankets and coats higher over Dasha and climbed in herself, wanting to turn to the wall. She didn’t.
They didn’t speak for a few minutes. Dasha slowly turned around to face Tatiana. “I want him to die at the front,” she whispered.
“Don’t say that,” said Tatiana, wanting to cross herself but unable to lift her cold arm out of the warm blanket. She was too weak for inflection. Soon the fire would go out. They would be plunged into black again. They were both spent and done. Tatiana thought they were too weak for heartbreak.
But when Dasha said, “I saw you and him, I saw the way you looked at each other,” Tatiana realized, no, they weren’t too weak.
“Dashenka, what are you talking about? There was no look. My hat was covering half my face. I don’t even know what you mean.”
“He stood at the bottom of the stairs. You stood two steps up. He stopped you from tripping on the ice. He said something to you, and you looked down and nodded. And then you looked at each other. You walked up the stairs. He stood at the bottom and watched you. I saw it all.”
“Dasha, darling, you’re worrying yourself over nothing.”
“Am I? Tania, tell me, how long have I been completely blind?”
Shaking her head in the night, Tatiana whispered, “No.”
“Have I been blind from the very beginning? From the day I walked into the room and saw him standing in front of you? Since then and through all the days that followed? Oh, God, tell me!”
“You’re crazy.”
“Tania, I may have been blind, but I’m not stupid. What do you think, I can’t tell? I have never seen that look in his eyes. He watched you go up the stairs with such longing, such tenderness, such possessiveness, such love, I turned away and would have thrown up in the snow had I had something to throw up.”
Weakly, Tatiana repeated, “You’re wrong.”
“Am I? And when you were looking at him at the post office, what was in your eyes, sister?”
“I don’t know anything about the post office. He walked me there. We said good-bye. I walked up. Good-bye was in my eyes.”
“It wasn’t good-bye, Tania.”
“Dasha, stop. I’m your sister.”
“Yes, but he owes me nothing.”
“He is just protective over me—”
“Not protective, Tania. Consumed.”
“No.”
“Have you been with him?”
“What are you asking?”
“Answer me. It’s a simple question. Have you been with Alexander? Have you made love to Alexander?”
“Dasha, of course I haven’t. Look, this is just—”
“You’ve lied to me for so long. Are you lying to me now?”
“I’m not lying.”
“When? Then? Now?”
“Not then. Not now,” Tatiana said, barely able to get the words out.
“I don’t believe you.” Dasha closed her eyes. “Oh, God, I can’t take it,” she whispered. “I can’t take it. All those days, those nights, those hours we have spent together, slept in the same bed and ate out of the same bowl—how can all of that have been a lie, how?”
“It wasn’t a lie! Dasha, he loves you. Look how he kisses you. How he touches you. Didn’t he used to make sweet love to you?” Those words were difficult to get out.
“Kissed me. Touched me. We haven’t been together since August. Why is that?”
“Dasha, please . . .”
“I’m not for touching these days,” said Dasha. “You’re not either.”
“These days will be over.”
“Yes, and me along with them.” Dasha coughed.
“Don’t talk like that.”
“Tania, what are you going to do when I’m gone? Will it be easier for you?”
“What are you talking about? You’re my sister . . .” Tatiana, if she could have, would have wept. “I haven’t left, haven’t gone away! I’ve stayed here with you. I’m not anywhere else. I’m not leaving you. And we are not dying. He loves you.” Tatiana put her hands on her chest to stifle a lingering groan.
“Yes,” Dasha said brokenly, “but what I want is for him to love me the way he loves you.”
Tatiana said nothing. She was listening to the wood burning in the ceramic stove, estimating how long they had before the chair leg burned to ashes, her hands on her heart. “He doesn’t love me,” she said in a hollow voice. How can he love me, but plan to marry you?
“Tell me,” Dasha said, “how long were you going to keep this from me?”
Until the end. “Nothing to keep from you, Dasha.”
“Oh, Tania.” Dasha fell quiet. “How is it possible that at a time like this, in the dark, so close to the other world, you still have the energy to lie and I still have the energy to be angry? I can’t even get up anymore. But anger, yes; lies, oh, yes.”
“Good,” said Tatiana. “You’re warmer for it. Feel it. Hate me if you need to. Hate me with all your might if it helps you.”
“Should I hate you?” Dasha’s mouth barely moved. “Is there reason for me to hate you?”
“No,” said Tatiana, turning to the wall. Lies to the last.
2
The next day Dasha still could not get up. She wanted to, she just could not. Tatiana got the blankets off her and the co
ats. It was nine in the morning, and the girls once again had slept through the eight o’clock air-raid siren.
Tatiana finally left by herself and went to the store. She got there about noon and found there was no more bread. They had gotten a small shipment in, which had all gone by eight in the morning.
“Do you have anything at all you can give me? Is there anything you can do to help me?” asked Tatiana of the woman behind the glass counter. The woman could not even answer.
Tatiana left and walked to find the only one who could help her.
To the sentry at the gate to the barracks she said, “I’m looking for Captain Belov. Is he here?”
“Belov?” The guard, whom Tatiana had not seen before, looked at his roster schedule. “Yes, he’s here. But I don’t have anyone to go and fetch him.”
“Please,” said Tatiana. “Please. There was no bread today, and my sister is—”
“What do you think, the captain has bread for you? He doesn’t have any bread. Get out of here.”
Tatiana didn’t move. “My sister is his fiancée,” she said.
“That’s very good,” he said. “Why don’t you tell me the rest of your life story?”
“What is your name?” she asked.
“Corporal Kristoff,” he said. “Corporal,” he repeated.
“That’s very good, Corporal,” Tatiana said. “I know you can’t leave your post. Can you please let me go and see the captain?”
He said, “Let you go on base? You are crazy.”
“Yes,” said Tatiana, holding on to the gate. She felt as though she were about to fall down, having walked too far. But she wasn’t going home without food for her sister. “Yes, I am crazy. But look at me. I’m not asking you to give me food out of your mouth. I’m not even asking you to move if you don’t want to. All I’m asking you to do is let me see Captain Belov. Please help me in this small way. Small way,” she repeated. “I’m not asking too much, am I?”
“Listen, girlie, I’m done talking to you,” Kristoff said, taking the rifle off his shoulder. “You better move on out of here. You get what I’m saying?”
Clinging to the gate, Tatiana wanted to shake her head but couldn’t. Only her lips moved. “Corporal Kristoff, I will wait right here. Sergeant Petrenko, Lieutenant Marazov, Colonel Stepanov—they all know me. Go on and tell them you are turning away Captain Belov’s dying fiancée’s sister.”
“Are you threatening me?” Kristoff asked in disbelief, raising his weapon.
“Corporal!” An officer walked across the yard. “What’s going on here? Is there trouble?”
“Just telling this girl to get the hell out of here, sir,” said Kristoff.
The officer looked at Tatiana. “Who are you here for?” he asked her.
“Captain Belov, sir,” Tatiana said.
The officer said to Kristoff, “Captain Belov is upstairs. Have you called him?”
“No, sir.”
“Open the gate.”
The officer pulled Tatiana through. “Come, what’s your name?”
“I’m Tatiana.”
“Tatiana . . .” the officer said. “Was Kristoff giving you trouble?”
“Yes, sir,” she said.
“Don’t worry about him. He is just overeager. I’ll be right back.”
The officer went into Alexander’s quarters. Alexander was sleeping. He had been on barracks patrol all night. “Captain,” the officer said loudly.
Alexander woke up with a start.
“There is a young lady waiting for you outside, sir,” he said. “I know it’s against the rules. Can I send her in? A girl named Tatiana.”
Before he finished, Alexander was already up and getting dressed. “Where is she?”
“Downstairs. I brought her in, I thought you wouldn’t mind.”
“I don’t mind.”
“That bastard Kristoff was ready to fire at her. I barely—”
“Thank you, Lieutenant.” He was out the door.
Tatiana was sitting on the bottom stair, her head pressed to the wall.
“Tatia?” He came to stand in front of her. “What’s happened?”
“Dasha can’t get up. There was no bread at the store.” She couldn’t even look up.
“Come.” He extended his hand. She took it but couldn’t pull herself up. He had to place both his arms around her to lift her. “You walked too far,” he said gently.
She nodded.
“Come to the mess.” Alexander found Tatiana a piece of black bread with a teaspoon of butter, half a cooked potato with some linseed oil, and even real coffee with a bit of sugar. She ate gratefully and drank. “What about Dasha?” she asked.
“Eat. I have food for Dasha.”
He gave her another hunk of black bread, half a potato, and a handful of beans that she stuffed in her coat pocket. “I wish I could come with you,” Alexander said. “But I can’t. I can’t leave the barracks today.”
“That’s fine,” Tatiana said, and thought, I don’t think I can make it back. I don’t think I can. It was after lunch hour in the mess, and it was quiet. Only a few soldiers were sitting at the tables.
Tatiana wanted to ask Alexander about his week, about Petrenko, whom she hadn’t seen in a long time, and about Dimitri. She wanted to tell him about Kristoff. She wanted to tell him Zhanna Sarkova had died. It was time to go to the post office again, but she couldn’t walk there by herself anymore.
Tatiana wanted to tell him about Dasha. But the effort required to continue that conversation was too great even in Tatiana’s head. To make the words come out of her mouth, and then follow them up with more words and more thoughts, was unimaginable to her now, when she couldn’t find the energy to chew the bread she needed to live. She couldn’t think past the black bread in front of her. I’ll tell him another time.
They both remained utterly silent.
Alexander walked her to the gate. She stumbled on flat ground and nearly fell. “Oh, my God, Tatia,” he said.
She didn’t reply, but his calling her Tatia made her heart beat faster. She wanted to answer him. Straightening up, she leaned on his arm and said, “I’ll be all right. Don’t worry.”
“Wait here.” He sat her on a bench near the gate and strode off. A few minutes later he came back with a sled and said, “Come. I’ll take you home. Stepanov let me have two hours.” He put his arm around her. “Come. You won’t have to do anything. I’ll do everything. You just sit.”
Alexander signed himself out in the roster at the sentry gate. “I’m very sorry about before,” the corporal said to Tatiana, throwing a fearful look in Alexander’s direction. Alexander opened his mouth to say something, but Tatiana pulled him by the sleeve of his coat. She didn’t shake her head, didn’t say a word, just pulled him, and he prodded her away a little, closed his mouth, clenched his fist, and punched Kristoff in the face. The corporal fell to the ground. “I’ll be back in two hours, Corporal,” he said, “and then I’ll deal with you.”
Alexander told Tatiana to sit. She lay down instead. She thought, I don’t want to lie down. I’m not a corpse yet. Not yet. But she couldn’t help it. She couldn’t sit up.
Tatiana lay on her side, and Alexander pulled the sled through the snow, through the quiet, snowed-in streets of Leningrad in the middle of an afternoon. Tatiana thought, it’s too heavy for him. It’s always him. When we first met, he carried my food for me down these streets. And now he is carrying me. She wanted to reach out and touch the bottom of Alexander’s coat. Instead she fell asleep.
When she opened her eyes, Tatiana saw Alexander crouching beside her, his warm bare hand on her cold bare cheek. “Tatia,” he whispered, “come on, we’re home.”
I’m going to die with Alexander’s hand on my face, Tatiana thought. That is not a bad way to die. I cannot move. I can’t get up. Just can’t. She closed her eyes and felt herself drifting.
Through the haze in front of her she heard Alexander’s voice. “Tatiana, I love you. Do you he
ar me? I love you like I’ve never loved anyone in my whole life. Now, get up. For me, Tatia. For me, please get up and go take care of your sister. Go on. And I’ll take care of you.” His lips kissed her cheek.
She opened her eyes. He was very close to her, and his eyes looked true. Did she just hear him? Or did she dream that? She had dreamed of him saying he loved her for so many nights facing the wall, she had longed for those words, longed for them since Kirov. Was she just wishing for the white-night sun again?
Tatiana got up. He couldn’t carry her up the slippery stairs on his back. But he put his arm around her, and by holding on to him and the railing she made it upstairs. They walked through the long apartment, but at the door to their hallway Tatiana stopped. “Go in,” she said. “I’ll wait here. Go and see if she’s . . .” Tatiana couldn’t finish.
Alexander brought her inside and then went into the bedroom. “Yes, Tania,” she heard his voice. “Dasha is fine. Come in.”
Tatiana came in and knelt by the bed. “Dasha,” she said, “look, he brought you food.”
Dasha, her eyes two large brown saucers, two large brown empty saucers, moved her lips soundlessly, her stilted gaze traveling from Tatiana’s face to Alexander’s and back again.
“I’ve got to go,” said Alexander. “Go early tomorrow to get your bread. There is enough here for you until then. Have you girls already eaten all your barley?” He kissed Dasha on the head. “I’ll bring you more tomorrow.”
She lifted her arm to him. “Don’t leave,” said Dasha.
“I have to. You’ll be all right. Just get your rations. I’ll come and see you very soon. Tania, do you need help? Can you get up off the floor?”
“I can get up,” she said.
“Right,” he said, and put his hands under her arms. “Up we go.”
She stood up. She wanted to look at him, but she knew that Dasha was watching, so instead she looked at Dasha. It was easier; her head was already bent down. “Thank you, Sh—Alexander.”
3
They lay under their blankets in semiconsciousness. During the night Tatiana woke up hearing a knock on the door. It took her many minutes to get out of bed from under the coats and blankets. Unsteadily she walked through the dark hallway.