Every weekend now me and the drunk lad went off up the town da didn’t mind I always made sure to put a blanket round him and make sure and tell him where I was going he said if you see any of the Tower Bar crowd tell them I was asking for them. I said I would then off I went. We went up to the Diamond Bar and he says I know you and you know me with his arm round me. Dink donk went the music take me back to Mayo the land where I was born. You’re only a pack of baaastaaards! shouts the drunk lad. There was darts and this government is the worst yet and will you have another ah I won’t ah you will and here is the news crisis in Cuba it all twisted in and out of itself till I got a pain in my head on top of everything else where are you going he shouts come back! I went out to the river and in the backroads. I went up to the cafe to see if there was anyone in there but it was all locked up with the lights out. I wanted to stand on the Diamond and cry out: Can you hear me? but I didn’t know what it was I wanted them to hear. Then I went round the back of the chemist’s shop and got in. It was good in there. I said to myself: What are all these cameras doing in here? Cameras – why aren’t you in a camera shop not a chemists!
I had a good laugh at that. I laughed so much I thought I’d better see if a few of these tablets can help me to stop laughing. There were all kinds in little fat brown jars. They were like little footballers in two-tone jerseys. What were they called? I don’t know. Flip, in they went faster than Tiddly’s Rolos. Next thing you’d be all woozy as if you were turning into treacle. There was this girl in the photograph something to do with sun tan oil, walking across the white powder sand with a towel in her hand. She smiled at me and said: Francie, then her lips made a soft silent pop. I could feel the heat of the sun coming through the waving palm trees behind her. I felt so sleepy. She said: Its a pity you can’t stay.
Yes, I said that’s the thing I’d like to do most in the world is stay with you.
I know, she said, only for your Uncle Alo’s coming home. If she hadn’t said it I don’t think I’d have remembered at all. You’d better hurry Francie! she says. Go on! Go on now! Quickly! You don’t want to let him down do you?
I was skating about the shop like a spit on a range getting nowhere. I’ll have to think, I said. Then it dawned on me that there wasn’t a thing in the house. I climbed back out the window and for a minute I didn’t know whether it was a street at all or what it was I’d lost the name for it. But then it was all right its OK Francie down the street you go. Whiz, away I went. I knocked up the home bakery but not a sound so in I went round the back. I filled my arms with cakes as many as I could carry. I searched up and down for butterfly buns but not a sign. The best I could find was creamy cones. I thought: He’ll like them so I’ll get a dozen.
I got into the shed at the back of the Tower for some whiskey. I was glowing with all this excitement. For fuck’s sake! Imagine me forgetting that! The hundreds and thousands! So I had to go back to the bakery to get them! I took down the flypaper and put up a new one. There was no shortage of flypapers. There was a smell the dogs must have been in again so I had to go back up to the chemists now too. I took anything I could lay my hands on. I got perfume and air freshener and talcum powder and that got rid of it. You couldn’t have people coming into a house with a smell the like of that. The perfume and powder made a big difference. I stacked up all the cakes into a big castle ready to topple. House of Cakes. I squeezed da’s arm. Not long now, I says, whizzing up and down the kitchen and looking out the window down the lane. Still no sign. I drank some whiskey. Next thing what did I hear only the sound of a car door closing. Da! I shouted. I was all hot and red and bothered but it was great. There you are! I says as they all trooped in. They were all red-cheeked too with the snow speckled on their overcoats and their arms out will you look who it is they says Francie Brady a happy Christmas to all in this house! And who’s there at the front only Mary all smiles. Any sign of Alo? she says. She had a half pound bag of dolly mixtures with her. No, not yet Mary, I says but it won’t be long now. Do you know what Francie I just can’t wait to see him she says, I’ll bet you didn’t know I was in love with him. I’ll bet you didn’t know that!
That’s where you’re wrong, Mary, I said. I did know – I knew all along!
Twenty years in Camden this Winter now who’d have believed it the corks popped and we all got round the piano and waited for him. Just where has that brother of mine got to says da, dear oh dear but he’s an awful man! Give us a song Mary while we’re waiting he said right she says and flexed her fingers then away off into Tyrone Among The Bushes. I sang a bit of it then whiz away off to get another drink. I was just opening the bottle when who’s there in the doorway only Alo in his blue suit and the red handkerchief in his breast pocket. Alo, says da, the man himself and threw his arms around him. Let me look at you he says and then they were off into their stories. I’ll tell you a better one says Da, will you ever forget the time we robbed the presbytery orchard? Do you remember that Alo? Do I remember says Alo, will I ever forget? More tea, says I, and help yourselves to the cakes there’s plenty more. Alo put his hands on Mary’s shoulders and sang When you were sweet sixteen. Then what does Mary do only stand up and throw her arms around him. Oh Alo, she says, I love you. I want you to marry me. Hooray and they all cheered and clapped. Is everyone all right for cakes I called from the scullery. That’s Alo! said da. Alo stood there holding Mary and looking into her eyes. I looked outside and the snow was coming down. I thought I heard the children playing outside but they couldn’t be it was too late. Right who’s for another song says Alo and cleared his throat. I was going to say more cakes anyone but I’d said that already. I wondered was the puddle in the lane frozen over. Of course it was. Mary was sitting on Alo’s knee stroking his face as he sang. The hum of the voices filled the kitchen. I flew round the place chatting to them all and saying more cakes are you enjoying yourselves isn’t it great to see Alo home? Ten men under him, I said. I clapped and clapped and cried hooray.
I didn’t know who the sergeant was at first. I just looked out and he was standing in the yard with his long raincoat on. He was staring in at me too. His face was kind of fuzzed like he was underwater. I just about knew it was him and no more.
Alo said to Mary: Just a minute and came over to me. He reached out and said: Its all right Francie.
I said Please Alo, can you help me?
But he couldn’t help me because it wasn’t Alo. It was Doctor Roche.
Oh Alo, I said. I didn’t see the others leave. They had gone without saying goodbye. I looked around for da but he was gone too. The flies were at the cakes on the piano.
I could feel a cold hand touching me. It was cold as Da’s forehead. There were all kind of voices they went by like strands of smoke.
Alo, I said.
The sergeant was saying something to another policeman. He said: Maggots – they’re right through him.
The other policeman said: Sweet Mother of Christ.
Its all right Francie said Doctor Roche. I didn’t mean to do any harm, I said. I know he said and he rolled up my sleeve. It was only a tiny pinprick and then I was lying back on a bed of snowdrops.
There you are said Joe, I was looking for you. I could hear the whisper of water close by.
Its the river, I said. Joe didn’t even turn around.
Of course its the river he says. What did you expect – the Rio Grande?
That fucking bastard Sergeant Sausage! He did it again! Had he nothing better to do than drive around the county dropping me in these skips? I think – ah I’ll just get out the car and durr-ive Francie Brady off to another kiphouse with a hundred windows how do you like it now, Francie? H’ho! H’ha! They’ll put manners on you there!
There was a stench of musty drawers and Jeyes Fluid mixed. The last thing I seen was Bubble standing by the window at the bottom of a long line of beds. He was flicking his fingers behind his back. Then he turned slowly and stared right at me. On his shoulders a huge alien’s head like a wasp. The
funny thing was – it still looked like Bubble. You would know it was him even though it was a wasp with these furred tentacles coming out of it. Oh fuck! I cried out. I didn’t know whether to be afraid or not. He wasn’t moving. He was just standing there looking. I looked around to see if anyone else was afraid. But there was only me and Bubble I mean Father Alien. Then I fell asleep again. When I woke up he was gone and there was only a shaft of the most brilliant sunlight slanting in the same window. I could see the sharp edges and the outline of everything clear as crystal. Then I heard music. It was a song I knew. Whee-hoo! I couldn’t make it out right but I knew it was something to do with the snowdrop and the cries of the children playing in the lane. It kind of said: You might be wrong about all that Francie. Maybe all these things are beautiful and worth having. Listen to the music and you’ll see what I mean. It surged, it was music with wings. Bird Who Soars Music and what it said was nothing bad would ever happen again. It filled me with such ecstasy I skimmed the chimney pots over the town crying out for da and ma to tell them. Its going to be all right after all I cried. I could see the snowdrop on the ditch with my bird’s eye. The children were blobs of colour clumping about in enormous shoes below in the lane, setting the toy tea-things on a wooden crate. Tassels was hacking away at the ice on the frozen puddle. I spun sideways and the black hole that had been in the pit of my stomach was full of light. I landed on a branch and watched him for a minute. Then I says: Any sign of your pal Brendy? The man who’s in charge of the puddle?
He got some land when I said that. What does he do only drop stick and all and tear off down the lane. Hi! Hi! boys, he shouts do youse know what I seen up in that tree? A talking bird!
For fuck’s sake!
Another day him and Brendy were there and I says to them, What would you do if you won a hundred million trillion dollars?
Hmm says the other lad and puts his finger to his lips. They weren’t bothered now about me being a talking bird because they were used to me. I wanted to cheer. I lit off the branch and away off again into the sky and what colour was it?
It was the colour of oranges.
The next time I woke up the alien or the wasp or whatever it was was back again only this time with Leddy’s face. Well fuck this for a racket I said but it went on for a good while and there was nothing I could do about it.
One time I tried to get up out of the bed I was fed up with the way things were going but this big lad in a white coat and arms like tree trunks says ah ah not so fast and stuck me back in.
I was lying there for hundreds of weeks. Or maybe months. In the end the doctor came over to me and says: You can get up and move about now for a while now if you like. I went down to the window to see about this wasp-alien but there was no sign of him or it or whatever the fuck you’d call it. This old lad in a dressing gown comes over to me and closes one eye; You needn’t think you’ll pull the wool over my eyes you Cavan cunt he says. Before I had a chance to say I’m not from Cavan or sweet fuck all to him whiz he’s away off down the other end of the ward pointing at me and whispering behind his hand to this fellow with hair sticking up like burnt twigs. He was nodding away to beat the band. Oh yes. Yes indeed. That’s very true he was saying or something like that.
Some days I went off with the doctors to this room with two pictures in it John F. Kennedy and Our Lady. Well well we meet again I says and gave her the wink. You’re a long way now from the low field in the old school for pigs I says and she started laughing. They were all interested to hear about this. And who else did you see? Oh the whole shooting match I says. St Teresa of the Roses the lot. There was this specky lad looked like Walter the swot out of Dennis the Menace in the Beano he was mad to get information to write down. Scribble scribble away with his tongue stuck in the corner of his mouth. They couldn’t get enough of all these saints. Have you got a fag says I and I told them more. Me and Our Lady we go back a long way I said. Its not every shitehawk she’ll appear to you know. Yes yes indeed scribble scribble. Then they asked me about dreams. Did you have any dreams they said. O I did I says, I did indeed. More fags. And what did you dream about. Wasps says I, with Bubble’s face. Or Bubble with wasps’ faces. Then they started on about Bubble so I had to give them a whole lot about him. The worse it was the better they liked it so I put in a whole lot about Bubble stinging me and biting my head off Father Alien says you must die earthling dog! And then he laughed and all this. It was a good laugh. I know what I’d give Bubble if he tried that. Fuck off Bubble you waspy bastard! I’d say. Just let him try it.
Snip!
Let’s see you conquer the world now Father!
That was a good one. I thought Walter was going to go off the edge of the table he was writing so fast. They asked me about Tiddly but I always brought them back to the funny bits about Bubble and the gardener. I started on him. I told them he had dead bodies in the boilerhouse but I don’t know if they investigated him. Maybe they sent Fabian of the Yard around. I thought that was good too so I told them more about it, young people from the town were mysteriously disappearing in the town and that it was him he was cutting them up with his graip and stacking them behind the boiler. But I must have made a hames of that for they didn’t want to hear any more about him all they wanted to do now was talk about Tiddly. O yes Father Sullivan is a very nice man, I says, its just a pity the Balubas put him in the pot. You liked the industrial school did you they said. Indeed I did, especially on Thursdays because we got two sausages each for dinner. You used to say Mass for Father Sullivan isn’t that right it is indeed. You liked him? I certainly did. A very holy man, I said, he prays to St Teresa of the Roses. Very good then they’d say well that will do for today. Other days they took me off to other garages and stuck me in a big chair with this helmet on my head and wires coming out all over the place. I liked that. That was the best of the lot sitting in that chair. And all these starchy bastards of students with clipboards gawking at you I hope he doesn’t leap up out of the chair and chop us up!
But I paid no heed to them I was too busy being Adam Eterno The Time Lord in that big chair. They could scribble all they liked I was away off through hyperspace. Hello there Egyptians I’d say pyramids and all. Adam can’t come today so its me instead – Francie from the Terrace. Good man Francie they’d say with these wee hats and snakes on them. Or Romans. Leave that Christian alone, lion, I’d say. Oh thanks thanks Francie says the Christian. No problem, pal then off I’d go to see how the cowboys were getting on.
Where do they be taking you says the old fellow with the eyebrow up. You needn’t think you’re not seen. Then he looks down to the other end of the ward and the other fellows there nodding away. I told him to travel through the wastes of space and time like in Dan Dare that’s where they’re taking me and he looks at me. What? he says so I told him again and that didn’t please him at all. He got a grip of me by the jumper and he says: I knew it. I knew you were a Cavan cunt from the minute I set eyes on you. You needn’t think you’ll come in here to make a cod out of me. Go on you cur! he shouts, I took better men than you!
The tree trunks had to haul him off me. I dusted myself down and complained to them. This is a disgrace, I said, a person can’t walk around without being attacked.
Another day he comes over: So its a disgrace is it! Being attack-did is a disgrace.
Attack-did! Attack-did!
Well – I heard, he says. They’re going to give you the treatment. There won’t be so much lip out of you when they take you off and put the holes in your head. Know what they do then? They take your brains out. I know! I’ve been here long enough. I seen the last fellow. He used to stand at the window all day long eating bits of paper. Do you like paper? Well you better start getting to like it. He won’t be so smart then he shouts down to Twighead at the bottom of the ward. He rubbed his hands with glee.
I had a good laugh at that. Taking your brains out, for fuck’s sake. But that was before I woke up one day and there’s Walter at the end of the be
d talking away in whispers about me but I heard: Its best for him in the end! I knew it was no use saying anything to him. I ran out of the ward and went straight to the office. There was a meeting going on but I didn’t care. I told them: You can’t touch me! I said. You can’t lay a finger on me! I want out of here!