Distributed by The Ngome Department of Public Affairs
Introduction
While every effort has been made to provide Ngome’s visiting travelers and tourists with a pleasant experience during their stay in our fair country, some may share concerns regarding rumors they have heard regarding the infamous Kabilari. Most of these rumors are unfounded, the fanciful imaginings of pseudo-historians whose ignorance of the subject serves to harm the reputation of the Ngome Ruling Body and rob our out-of-country visitors of the chance to enjoy the pristine beaches, rolling wooded hills, fine food, and cheery native servants of our home. This pamphlet is a humble attempt to dispel such rumors. Armed with the knowledge provided herein, the traveler might safely and confidently enjoy his or her stay in and about our wonderful city.
A.Misconceptions
1.Kabilars are four-armed mutant mountain gorillas.
2.Kabilari are carefully organized, politically motivated groups of natives seeking freedom from white colonial rule.
3.Kabilars prefer human meat to practically every other type of food.
4.Some Kabilari possess weapons of high technology such as lasers, energy grenades, etc.
5.Kabilari operatives live among the inhabitants of Ngome, mingling in their midst.
6.The government of Ngome wishes to hide the truth regarding the Kabilari.
B.The Truth
The Kabilari are the degenerated descendents of a tribe, known as the Boula, that once held dominance over the whole of the interior through a network of raiding and slaving. The Kabilari’s fierceness as warriors cannot be disputed, though the internecine bickering between various Kabilar factions have prevented the bandits from uniting their efforts and organizing an effective fighting force.
The reason for their infrequent raids on police posts bordering the rain forest regions can be summed up in one word: Jealousy. More than anything, members of the Kabilari wish to live as whites. Even their primitive brains can comprehend the luxury and comfort that our larger brains have afforded us – the things that hint of delicious decadence. One must admit that we might sometimes take these accoutrements of culture for granted, leaving the lazy native with some sense of entitlement to the fruits of our labors.
Electric lamps, running water, fine clothing, automobiles, shining jewelry – these are the things the savage craves. When an unprepared traveler falls victim to one Kabilar, arguments over the victim’s finery are sure to erupt both within the group itself and with nearby Kabilari.
In essence, the Kabilari are thugs.
C.What to do if One Encounters a Kabilar
1.Do not panic. All blacks can smell fear. Kabilars have a certain acumen in applying this sense.
2.Give trinkets. Beads, shoelaces, shiny objects – all these items can be used to appease and pass a Kabilar. The surrender of these goods might save your life!
3.Do not engage in political discussion. The natives lack of logic might lead to confusion and entrapment.
4.Do not believe a member of a Kabilar. They are not to be trusted.
5.After you have successfully passed a Kabilar by proffering them your goods, notify the nearest government office immediately. Be careful to note the time and place of the encounter and be prepared to answer a sequence of questions regarding the Kabilar’s demeanor, appearance, behavior and direction of travel.