A small, shy smile pulled at her lips. “So did I. ”
I drove slower than usual, delving into a conversation about what Shannen studied at college to calm my nerves. My house was close; I could see my red tile rooftop over the hill. This is it. Now or never. Slowing down a little too sharply, I pulled into my driveway and turned off the ignition.
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“What are we doing here?” she asked, biting her lip and looking at my home out the window.
I turned to face her and smiled. “This is my house, Shannen. I just need to use the bathroom before I take you back. Come in for a minute. ” I watched as her eyes darted to my front door, hesitating. “I won’t be long. ” After a second, she made up her mind and nodded, opening the door. She trusted me—I had won her trust.
“It’s a lovely house,” she said as I let us both in.
“Thank you. ” I was glad she liked it. I wanted her to like it and feel at home. I’d let her redecorate if there was anything she didn’t like. Perhaps we could do that together—redecorate and turn the house into our home rather than just mine. “I’ll show you to the living room where you can sit for a minute. ”
She sat down on the green sofa and I couldn’t help sitting beside her. I liked it, the both of us sitting in our living room. “Don’t you need the bathroom?” she asked and smiled.
“Shannen, I must confess…I don’t really need to use the bathroom. I’m sorry I lied, but I just needed to get you in here so we can talk. I’ve brought you home. ” Her eyes widened in horror, and she stood up, gasping. I leaped to my feet and grabbed her arm before she had the chance to run. “Let me explain. Please. ”
“No, get off,” she shouted, frantically trying to pull her hand out of my grip. Her hair flicked in all directions, hitting me in the face as she tried to get away. “Please, let go. ”
“Calm down,” I ordered.
“Let me go. ” She thrashed her body again and pounded her free fist against my chest. The thuds of her punches didn’t hurt—she didn’t have much strength—but it angered me. I was trying to help—how dare she? I clenched my jaw, grabbed her other hand, and slammed her against the wall. All I could hear was my pulse pounding in my ears. I didn’t want to hurt her, but she left me no choice. Shannen’s piercing screams seemed like background music. Her blatant disrespect drove me insane. I knew what Mother would do, and I could almost hear her barking the order, Kill her.
“Please, please no. ” I didn’t like begging. Mother didn’t like begging. It was for the weak.
Kill her. Do it now.
Shannen’s eyes bulged as I held both of her hands in one of mine and pinned my other hand over her mouth. I was fighting myself for control. I wanted to kill her—the knife was in my pocket—but I wanted her too. I wanted her and Mother wanted me to kill her.
She whimpered against my palm. I closed my eyes and concentrated on steadying my heavy, ragged breaths. She’ll be everything I want once she understands. She’s not bad. She doesn’t mean it.
Slowly, I cracked my eyes open. It wasn’t until I saw her terrified expression and her tear-stained face that I realized how vulnerable she was. Shannen was scared and didn’t know what I was offering or how I felt. My heart swelled.
“Everything’s going to be okay,” I whispered. “I need you to trust me. All I want is to look after you. You’re home now, sweet Shannen. ” I lowered my hand and stroked the side of her face, looking into her eyes. Please believe me.
She gulped. “I believe you’ll look after me, Colin, but I can’t stay here with you. ” My face fell. Did she not hear what I told her? She was home. This was where she belonged. “Sorry, I can’t do this. I have to go now. ” She took one step away from me, and I felt complete panic. I couldn’t let her walk away from me.
She had barely made two steps when I grabbed her from behind and clamped my hand over her mouth. Her muffled cries tore me apart and I realized this couldn’t work out how I wanted it to—not yet at least. I shoved her into to the drawing room and into the corner.
“Don’t try anything,” I snapped and pushed the bookcase out of the way. She stood still, frozen, as I unlocked the door to the girls’ room. Grabbing her arm, I pulled her with me, dragging her down the stairs.
“No,” she yelled once she realized what was happening. I didn’t want this to happen either; my heart was heavy and my eyes stung with the loss of the life I so desperately wanted with her. But I had no other choice. I couldn’t lose her and this was the only way.
Poppy, Violet, and Lily rose from the sofa and the movement startled Shannen. She screamed, her legs gave way, and she slumped to the ground. “Explain everything to her, Lily,” I ordered and walked back up the stairs. No! No, no, no. I closed the door and locked it before sliding down the wall. Gripping my hair in my hands roughly, I cried in agony. I wanted her to be with me, but now she was Rose.
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17
CLOVER
Monday, January 17th (Present)
I watched the clock on my desk and the second it ticked over to five, I shut my computer down and grabbed hold of my briefcase. I needed to leave immediately. My girls wouldn’t have dinner ready for another two hours, as per my request, so I had time.
I drove the thirty minutes to the city with my heart in my mouth, tapping my fingers against the steering wheel. It was already dark, but the hostel was just outside the city. This shouldn’t take long anyway.
It had been too long since we had been a complete family—almost six months now. It’s the longest we’d been incomplete. I felt anxious. I drove in the traffic, turning off before it got too bad in the city center. The winding road led to a small train station the hostel was nearby. I parked between the hostel and a block of derelict flats.
Come on, Violet.
She had to come along soon. I had waited so long for her. Lying back against the seat, I glanced out of all the widows and checked the mirrors. The orange glow of the dashboard lit up the clock—thirteen minutes past six. I could only stay another five or ten minutes. My heart raced with anticipation. I wanted her to appear. I needed her.
At 6:22, just as I was about to give up for the evening, I finally spotted her. Her hair was as dark as night and draped all the way down to middle of her back. Violet. She took my breath away. This was her. She started walking in my direction with her backpack hanging from her shoulders.
I opened the door and she sprung to life, jumping back in surprise.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten you,” I said, raising my hands to show her I didn’t mean her any harm.
She shook her head. “No, that’s okay. I wasn’t really paying attention. ” Smiling briefly, she shrugged her bag back on her shoulder. “My fault. ”
“Do you need a lift somewhere?”
“Um. ” She hesitated. “I think I’ll be okay but thanks. ”
I pursed my lips. I’m trying to save you. “You’d be doing me a favor. I’ve just got off the train and can’t remember my way into the city in the dark. ”
“You’re not from around here?”
I shook my head. “No. I had a meeting and decided to park here and take the train the rest of the journey. I have yet to find my way around the city. Where are you headed?”
“I’m not sure. City probably. ”
“Do you know it well?”
She nodded. “Yes. ”
“Well, would you like a lift? You can direct me to wherever you want to go and point me in the right direction once you get out. ”
“Okay then,” she replied and smiled. “Thanks. ”
I got back in the car and she got in the passenger side. I drove off as soon as she was inside. “So where do you live?” she asked.
“Not far, we’ll be home soon. ” I locked the door. “Violet. ” She laughed and shook her head. She was laughing at me? Did she find this
funny? I frowned. What did she think? I’d had it with the soft approach. Their reactions were all the same at first, so it didn’t matter how I saved them—direct and to the point gave me less of a headache.
“You need to turn left at the lights, that’ll take you on the ring road around the city. ”
“Violet, we’re going home. ”
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her face slowly fall. “What?”
“Please don’t worry. I’ll take care of you. ”
“Are you being serious right now?”
“Of course. ” Her eyes widened in horror as she registered what was happening wasn’t my idea of a joke. “I told you not to worry, Violet. ”
She shook her head. “What the fuck? I’m not Violet. You’ve got the wrong person. ” I sighed, gritting my teeth through her choice of colorful words. Her face cracked as my words properly sunk in and a steady flow of tears streaked her face. “Please let me go. I’m not who you think I am. I’m not this Violet, I swear. My name is Layal. ”
“I know who you are,” I replied.
“No, you don’t. Let me go. Now!” she snapped, pulling at the door handle in vain.
“Don’t you dare be so disrespectful. I’m saving you. ” She flinched. “Just be quiet and everything will be fine. Just be quiet. ” She shrank back against the passenger side door and her knuckles turned white, still gripping the handle. My own hands tightened around the steering wheel. Her deep, unattractively loud sobs came frequently, and I ground my teeth together, trying to ignore her pathetic cries.
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“W-Why are you doing this?” she muttered, stuttering over her words.
“Violet, I’m saving you,” I repeated. Why can’t you see that? Look at what your life is.
For the rest of the journey she was silent. Her cries died down to the occasional hiccup, and she stared emotionlessly out of the windshield. Finally, she understood what I was doing. I smiled; the stress and anxiety oozed from my body.
“Not long now,” I said as we turned down the road leading to my house. “The girls will be happy you’re home. ”
She pressed her hands to her mouth, muffling a cry. “Who?”
I smiled. “The girls. You’re going to love them. Here we are,” I said, pulling into my drive. “Are you ready to meet them?”
“No. Look, just let me go now and I promise I won’t say anything. I won’t go to the police, I swear to you. Please. Please just let me go. ”
“Violet, please just trust me and trust what I’m trying to do. The girls will be able to explain everything. ” I switched off the engine and unbuckled my seat belt. “Right, let’s get inside. ”
I unlocked the car and shoved my door open. Violet jumped out and sprinted around the car, toward the road. “Help,” she screamed. “Help me!” I lunged forward and grabbed a fistful of her coat. “No. Get off. Let go, you freak!” Her voice was loud and high-pitched. It rang through my ears.
I pulled her against my chest and clamped my hand over her mouth. “Be quiet, Violet,” I growled in her ear. I felt stressed, like a volcano ready to erupt. She was pushing me to the limit. I dragged her to the house and unlocked the door. “Enough now,” I whispered. She whimpered beneath me. “Almost there. ” I pushed her through the house. “I’m going to move the bookcase. Are you going to stand there nicely, or do I need to restrain you?”
She gulped and her eyes widened. “I’ll stand here,” she whispered hoarsely.
I smiled. “Good. ” Releasing my grip, I watched her move one step away from me and stop. I pulled the bookcase out of the way and unlocked the girls’ door. “Come,” I said, pushing the door open. She was frozen on the spot, staring at the open door. “Violet, come. ”
“But…” she whispered. Sighing in frustration, I grabbed her wrist. Why couldn’t she just do as she was told? “No!” She gasped and thrust her body around, trying to get out of my grip. “No. Please don’t. ”
I held both of her arms tight and pushed her down the stairs with me. For someone so slim she was strong. Rose, Poppy, and Lily all stood, waiting. “Good evening, Flowers,” I said. Violet’s body stiffened and she planted her feet into the floor. “Please make Violet welcome and help her settle in. I’ll be back for dinner very soon. ” I let go of her and walked back up the stairs. I needed to get clean.
***
I returned to the girls’ room after showering and picking out the wool Rose requested. The room was filled with the warming smell of a fresh shepherd’s pie. It took me back to my childhood, before I was six, when Mother would make incredible home-cooked meals. That all changed the second we caught Dad with that whore, of course. Sitting down as a family and having Mother dish up large helpings of hearty food was one of the things I missed the most.
“Good evening, Flowers,” I said, stopping at the bottom of the stairs.
“Good evening,” they replied in unison. Violet sat on the sofa staring at the floor, a statue.
I frowned. “Is Violet okay?” I asked Rose. She was supposed to help her settle in.
Rose nodded. “She’ll be fine. She’s just getting used to something new. ”
I smiled. Of course. The adjustment period. “Dinner then?”
“It’s ready,” she replied and smiled. “Violet, come sit at the table. Dinner’s ready. ” Lily helped her up and led her to her seat. My heart swelled. Lily was perfect—she was now everything I wanted her to be. Somewhere between my worry of finding Violet and the countrywide search for Summer, I’d forgotten to pay attention to her flourishing. I’d missed that and I was overcome with guilt.
“Eat, Violet,” I said. Everyone was almost finished, but she had barely touched any of hers.
Lily looked up. “I don’t think she’s that hungry. We can save hers for later. ” Violet couldn’t have eaten for a while, and she was thin. Her clothes would probably hang off her frame the way Lily’s still did. “It’s only her first night, after all,” Lily added.
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“You’ll make sure she has something later?”
“Yes. ”
I nodded and turned my attention back to my own dinner. “Oh, your yarn is on the bottom step. ”
Rose smiled. “Thank you. I’ll put that away when we’re done. ”
I finished and waited for the girls. Everything is going to be fine. I am in control. Rose and Poppy got up to clear the table and I stopped Lily from helping. “Come, Lily. ” I walked ahead. She had shown me that she was the thoughtful, caring person I wanted, and now it was my turn to show her how much she meant to me.
She appeared at the door. Her posture was stiff, as if she wasn’t breathing, and her eyes were wide. “It’s okay, don’t be nervous. ” I closed the door behind us. “Please relax. I’m not going to hurt you. Everything’s going to be perfect now, can’t you see that?” I led her to the bed, and she sat rigid on the edge. “Did you shower this morning?” She nodded and I smiled, stroking her long blond hair behind her ear. “That’s my girl. ”
She blinked rapidly and a few tears fell from her eyes. “Shh,” I whispered and unbuttoned my shirt. “Don’t be afraid. I love you, Lily. ”
18
SUMMER
Tuesday, January 18 (Present)
I couldn’t move. My body shook to the point where it ached and felt numb. Nothing felt real anymore. I didn’t want anything to be real anymore. The bedsheet was wrapped tightly around me and I clung to it as if it were my lifeline. It smelled of him. I smelled of him. I desperately wanted to get that smell off, but my damned, traitorous body wouldn’t move.
A distant voice drifted through the room, and I raised my head. “Lily. Lily, shh, it’s okay,” Poppy said softly. “It’s going to be okay. ” I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out, just a low creak in the back of my throat. “Don’t worry, it’ll be all right. ” It won’t bloody be all right! “You want m
e to help you to the bathroom?” In my zombie state, I nodded and Poppy helped me up.
Somehow, we made it to the bathroom, but I don’t remember getting here. I felt like I was underwater, the floor felt uneven, and everything was swimming. I couldn’t believe that had just happened to me. I knew it had, but it didn’t feel real.
Standing on the bathroom floor still in my socks, I gripped the sheet tighter around myself and stared at the floor. Why can’t I feel anything? I couldn’t even cry. I should be crying. Poppy turned the shower on and placed a fresh towel on the side of the sink. “Call if you need me, okay?” she said and walked out, closing the door behind her.
Letting go of a sheet shouldn’t be hard but I couldn’t do it. As the only thing that was covering me—protecting me—I couldn’t let the damn thing go. Taking a deep breath I gave myself a little pep talk, You can do it. Just drop the sheet and get the smell of him off you. Taking a deep breath, I let go and it dropped to the floor.
I stepped in the shower, eager to be free of his aftershave. The hot water ran over my whole body, washing him away with it. Why didn’t I fight him? I didn’t want it, but I didn’t do anything to even attempt to stop it. Would it have been worth my life? Yes. Knowing I had done nothing made me feel sick, dirty, and worthless. If I’d have fought, at least I would have died knowing I didn’t ultimately allow it to happen. But it was too late now. I couldn’t turn back the clock and change anything. It was now something I would have to live with. I sobbed.
Too scared to do anything about it, I’d let him. My legs turned to jelly. I slumped to the floor and started crying. Grabbing the sponge, I frantically scrubbed my skin until it turned bright red. I felt dirty, and no amount of scrubbing was going to change that.
When my skin was too sore and I winced with every touch, I dropped the sponge, stood up, and turned the shower off. I cried as I wrapped the towel around me and the cotton rubbed against my sore, broken skin. My body shook from the shock, and although I’d had a hot shower, I felt cold—freezing cold.
Every time I closed my eyes, I saw his face looming over me. The way he looked at me—lovingly—make me sick. I gagged, slapping my hand over my mouth. Running to the toilet, I made it just in time to lean over it and empty the contents of my stomach.
“Lily,” Poppy called through the door. She spoke so softly, like I was a newborn baby. I gripped the towel and pulled it around me tighter. My heart raced in my chest. I didn’t want anyone to see me. “Can I come in?” Nothing came out when I tried to talk, just a quiet squeak. I sat down on the toilet seat and gripped the towel.