“Stick together. We’ll start on the edge and walk at the same pace a few feet apart,” he replied. “Look for…anything. There’s nothing in the field, so searching should be easy and quick. ” He sounded like a professional.
***
I lined up between Lewis and Dan and very slowly walked forward. I kept my eyes on the ground, pretending to thoroughly search the area in front of me. Pausing occasionally, I bent down and picked up any old piece of rubbish, proving that I was searching hard and double-checking anything that caught my eye. The day was going to pass painfully slowly. When I could have been spending time with the girls, I was out in the freezing cold, searching a field for someone who was safe in my home.
Lewis looked over. “Thanks for helping again,” he said and looked back at the ground.
I swallowed. Why was he thanking me again? “Like I said, I just want to help. It’s really no problem. I wish there were more I could do. ”
He frowned and a pained expression dominated his face. “Life goes on, apparently,” he replied quietly. Life was moving on for Lily. She was doing well. She was a part of my family and that was where she was staying. They had nothing to offer her now.
“I suppose it does. You’ve not stopped to work?”
“Nothing’s more important than finding her. ” He looked up again. “I won’t stop until I find her and bring to justice whichever sick fucker took her. ”
My throat ran dry. Why did it sound like he was saying that about me? I looked to my right, away from him. He knows. He’s found you out. Mother’s right, you can’t do anything properly. You’re useless. Pathetic. A failure. I pursed my lips, ignoring the agonizing tear in my heart. “She’s very lucky to have you. Some people would have given up by now. ”
“I’m the lucky one. Do you live alone? No one missing you today?” I was taken aback by the sudden change of conversation.
“I live alone. I’m free to come and go as I please. ”
“Hmm. ” Where was he going with this? Why did he want to know that? He was trying to find out if I had a wife. Why? He was planning something. He’s coming to get you.
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“Why do you ask?” I kept my voice calm and controlled, though underneath I was anything but.
“Sorry, I shouldn’t have. I’ve just never seen you with anyone and didn’t want an angry wife at home waiting for you to get back. ” That’s not why he asked. He knows you have her. He knows what you’ve been doing. Put him off. Take control.
“I’ll have more time to give now I’m back,” I said, sweeping my foot over a small mound of mud in an effort to look thorough.
“Oh?” Lewis asked, his eyebrows rose momentarily. I had spiked his interest.
I nodded. “Yes. I’ve been away for the past two weeks. Our Edinburgh office needed assistance. Their accountant left suddenly. ” Yes, in Scotland. He couldn’t possibly think I would have Lily if I’d left the country for a fortnight. A frown set into his face. It seemed his only expression, other than the one of surprise.
“The police still have nothing solid on Hart,” he said. “He must have had something to do with it. ” Why is he moving on to Greg? Did he now believe that I had nothing to do with it, or did he just want me to think that? Was he trying to make me feel secure—pretend he no longer suspects so I would slip up?
I smiled through my internal debate. “I’m sure he will be brought to justice if he’s proven to have had any involvement in Summer’s disappearance. ” I prayed that they would have enough circumstantial evidence to charge him. There was no guarantee, though. The police couldn’t catch me, so I had little faith. It was only because of me that they had their one and only suspect. I had given them enough; it was now up to them to prosecute him with the evidence. It wasn’t as if Gregory Hart was an honest and innocent man. He deserved to be punished.
“I hope so. She needs to be back with her family,” he said, taking a deep breath as if he was struggling to keep his emotions in check.
She is with her family.
***
As soon as I got home, I had a quick shower and went down to the girls’ room. Lewis was relentless in his search for his “girlfriend,” and I was exhausted. How someone could care so much but be so careless was beyond me. If you loved something, you protected it. There was no use in wanting to do so once they were gone.
“Clover, hello,” Rose said, blinking in surprise. “Are you okay?”
“I’m absolutely fine, thank you. I’m sorry I missed dinner. Time got away from me. ”
Rose shook her head. “It’s fine. Would you like something to eat now? We have your plate in the oven. ”
I took her hand in mine and smiled at how thoughtful she was. My Rose. My Shannen. My…wife? Perhaps. “That would be lovely. ” She grinned and went to prepare my dinner. Poppy followed and got some cutlery to set the table. “Where is Lily?”
Poppy spun around. “In the bedroom. I’ll just go get her. ” She skipped to their bedroom and disappeared behind the door. Lily must have been with Violet, looking after her. Violet still had to earn my forgiveness. I wasn’t sure if she was a good fit for our family. Time would tell, though. If it weren’t for my beautiful, loyal, caring Rose, she wouldn’t be here. Giving Violet a second chance was a favor to Rose, a gift from me to her. I couldn’t give her the life I wanted for us, but I could give her this.
Lily entered the room behind Poppy, and I smiled. I could see why Lewis loved her. She had natural beauty, one that she embraced rather than plastering on thick makeup. When would women understand that layers of makeup made them look like cheap whores?
I stepped forward and took her hand. Her body stiffened. “Are you unwell?” I asked her. “You’re very tense. ”
She bit her lip. “I have a headache. I’ll be fine, though. ”
“Lily, I’ll bring you some aspirin. I don’t want you suffering. ”
She stared on with a bemused expression. “Thank you,” she muttered. I brought her hand to my lips and kissed her knuckles. Her eyes flicked to the floor. Still so shy. I sighed. How long would it take for her to feel confident and at home? Perhaps it wasn’t us, though. If her parents hadn’t socialized her properly, then she would be shy around most people. Lily had only been with me for seven months, but I wished she had been with me longer—for her sake.
I sat down on the sofa and patted the cushion beside me. “Come and sit, Lily. ” I needed to help her more than the others. She needed more guidance. She slowly made her way to the sofa and sat down, looking at the floor and holding her hands on her lap. Looking into her eyes at that minute, I had never hated anyone more than her family. She was a bright and beautiful young woman, but her personality didn’t always show it.
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“How are you feeling really?” I asked her, placing my hand softly on top of hers. “Is it just a headache, or is there more?”
She sat hunched over. “Just that. ”
I sighed in frustration. She never looked me directly in the eye. It’s rude. “Look at me when I speak to you, Lily,” I said forcefully.
Her eyes widened and she looked up immediately. “Sorry,” she whispered, her body turning rigid beside me. That was more like it.
“That’s better. I like to look into those beautiful eyes. ”
“They’re my mum’s,” she muttered.
“Clover, do you think you could get us another, please?” Rose asked, cutting into my conversation with Lily. She held up a wooden spoon, split down the middle.
Were they all tired? Their manners had slipped in a matter of minutes. “I’ll go right now,” I said and stood up, taking the spoon from her outstretched hand. I kept a stock of things in the built-in a ceiling-high cupboard, so I had replacements for most things. I liked to be prepared.
Locking the door behind me, I walked to the bottom drawer and picked up a new wooden sp
oon. From somewhere behind me, I heard a soft thud. My heart leaped, and I spun around. Who was here? I scanned the room. There was a small bag of yarn on the floor. It was sitting on the side table waiting to be put away. I sighed and relief flooded my system. It must have been on the edge and fallen.
Was that it, though? Could it have been something, or someone, else? Lewis. Was he here? Did he know where I lived? Was he following me, spying on me? I placed the spoon on the table and slowly walked toward the door. My ears pricked as I concentrated hard on listening for any noise. Poking my head around the door, I saw my empty hallway. This is ridiculous. Lewis had made me paranoid. He is watching you.
I stormed back into the room and picked the spoon up. He is not going to ruin this for me. I am still in control. He is not taking my family.
The girls were chatting when I got back. Lily seemed to have brightened up and joined in their conversation. “Your spoon,” I said, placing it on the worktop.
Rose stood up. “Thank you. Your dinner is ready. ”
I ate quickly; my foot tapped on the floor automatically as I forced down mouthful after mouthful. This is Lewis’s fault. It’s all him. “His fault. It’s his,” I shouted, jumping up out of my seat.
The girls gasped. “What is?” Rose asked cautiously. Her voice was barely a whisper.
“Lewis,” I spat, glaring at Lily, caught up in the moment.
Lily’s face fell. Horror swept across her eyes. “What?” Anger built up and up and up, and I felt like I was going to explode. I was wound up, a coil. I breathed in and out heavily. My heart raced and the tips of my fingers tingled. I couldn’t control it. I wanted to smash something, smash everything. I had never been so on edge and ready to burst before. It was terrifying.
“What’s he done? What are you going to do?” she asked, her eyes filling with tears. The desperation in her voice made me sick.
“Shut up,” I bellowed. “Just. Shut. Up. ” You’re losing it. Everything is going to be ripped away from under your feet and you’ll be left with nothing. You’ll be a failure. I growled from deep in my throat in frustration, picked up my plate, and launched it across the room. It hit the stairs and smashed. My heavy breathing was the only noise in the room. My hands shook and teeth ground together. The girls stood frozen.
You need to take it back. You’ve lost control. They would find the girls and me. They would take them and stop me. I knew they would.
“No,” I snapped and ran up the stairs, slamming the door behind me.
***
I pulled over to the side of the road and waited. They would come to me; they always did. Looking in the mirror, I slicked down my wild hair with the palm of my hand. My hands twitched, foot tapped, and I was unable to relax. I barely recognized myself anymore. Physically, I looked the same, but beneath that, I was a shadow of a man, desperate to break free.
A tap on the window made me jump back to reality. I looked to who it was and smiled. “Hi,” the dirty whore purred, causing my stomach to turn. She smiled, fluttering her false eyelashes. “I’m Cantrell. What can I do for you then?” You. You’re going to repair me.
Without a word, I gestured toward the passenger side and she got in. I gripped the steering wheel and drove toward the woods. She hadn’t even asked me where we were going. “So what’s your name, darlin’?”
“My name is of no concern to you. ”
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“Mmm, I love the feisty ones. ” Did she? Did she enjoy this lifestyle, or was it all for my benefit?
“Aren’t you going to ask if I’m married?”
She laughed loudly, from the pit of her stomach. “No, darlin’. All I need to know is if you’ve got the dough for the ho!” My mouth dropped at her brashness. Pride. She had pride in what she was and what she was doing. I took a deep breath. My mind clouded with a red mist, and I could barely concentrate on driving. I wanted her gone.
My fingers twitched around the steering wheel and my heavy breathing threatened to give me away. It had to be now. The feeling of losing control, being a failure, weighed me down, threatening to consume me. I used to pride myself on patience. I’d waited long enough to get the girls, but I couldn’t wait now. Home is too far.
The turnoff couldn’t have come sooner; I took the muddy track and drove into the woods I knew so well. She didn’t seem concerned at all; if anything, she seemed bored of driving, looking out the window and pursing her lips. Bored of waiting. I stopped the car and turned the engine off.
“So how do you want me?” she asked and licked her bottom lip.
“Hood,” I replied through gritted teeth.
She giggled and opened the door. “Oh, I like your style. ”
I shuddered in disgust and nodded my head, gesturing for her to follow me. My knife was in my pocket; I touched it through the thick material of my coat. She walked toward me slowly, swaying her hips. I fought the urge to jump forward right then and plunge the knife into her black heart.
She stopped in front of me. I pushed her down onto the hood and she looked up at me, breathing heavily. Was she enjoying this? No, she couldn’t be. “Lift up your top,” I instructed and she obliged immediately. I tasted bile in my mouth. Her flimsy, hot-pink top covered a tiny pink bra. What had happened to her to turn her into this?
I turned my nose up, pulled the knife out of my pocket, and rested the tip over her windpipe. She gasped, her eyes widening in terror. “W-What are y-you doing?”
“I’m taking control,” I replied and pushed the knife down, lightly piercing her skin. Her body began to shake and tears welled in her eyes. I scored her skin, creating a shallow red line from the middle of her neck to the middle of her breasts. She whimpered and hissed through her teeth, panting heavily to absorb the pain. Her eyes were as wide as I’d ever seen.
“P-Please, stop. I’ll do whatever you want,” she stuttered, body trembling in fear.
I sighed. Didn’t she understand what I wanted? “I want you dead, and I want to be the one that kills you. ”
“No. ” She whimpered and broke into a loud sob. The noise was like music to my ears. This was what I was good at doing. With this, I couldn’t fail.
“No, no, please!” she begged.
I rested the knife over her heart. “Shh. ” Her eyes bulged even wider. I gripped the knife with both hands and, with as much force as I could muster, shoved it down through her chest. She made no noise as her body sagged in front of me.
I took a step back and watched her body slide down the hood of my car, falling to the ground in a heap. I closed my eyes, exhaling deeply.
I have control.
29
LEWIS
Monday, February 28th (Present)
Dawn sat at the kitchen table staring at pictures of Summer scattered across the counter. “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” she said, not looking up from where her eyes were fixed.
“Yeah,” I replied.
She ran her finger over one of the photos. “I need to see this smile again. ”
“You will, Dawn. Can I get you another cup of coffee?”
“Yes, thank you. ” I took her empty mug and flicked the coffee machine on. “How long have you been up?”
“Not sure. A while. Summer was never happy with her hair, was she? I don’t know why. It always looked perfect to me. ”
I laughed humorlessly. “She’s a teenage girl. I think it goes with the territory. ”
“Do you still cry?” she asked, taking me by surprise. “I feel like I’m the only one. Although I know I’m not. ”
“You’re not,” I whispered.
She smiled sadly. “You won’t give up, will you? We can’t give up, no matter how long it takes. ”
I was a little hurt she had to ask. She knew how I felt about Summer, and I had spent the last seven months of my life devoted to finding her. Why would I suddenly give up now? I was stuck. I couldn’t mov
e on until we had her back or knew what happened. “Never. ”
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She swiped away a tear with the back of her hand. “I hate the idea of her being scared out there somewhere. She does know we’ll find her, doesn’t she? She knows we wouldn’t just leave her. I couldn’t bear it if she thought we had given up. ”
“Dawn, she knows we wouldn’t. Sum knows how much we all love her. ” I wasn’t sure. I hoped. There were no guarantees in this. Everything was down to hope. Knowing Summer, she would probably hope we had given up so we would be happy. That couldn’t happen. This wasn’t like when someone died and you got to say good-bye. We don’t know where she was or what had happened to her. We had no answers, so there was no ending.
“You know you’d be getting a lecture about caffeine overdosing if she was here right now,” I said as she took a big gulp of her coffee.
She smiled halfheartedly and nodded. “Yeah, she had a thing about that, probably because caffeine made her hyper. You remember when she had those Red Bulls and was practically bouncing off the walls?”
I laughed. “Yeah, I remember. You all went to bed and left me to deal with her. At one point, she wanted to go out for a run, then swimming, then to Disneyland. In the end I managed to get her to watch movies instead—chick flicks! I think it was about four in the morning before she finally stopped talking at me and went to sleep. ”
“We’ll take her when she gets home, to Disneyland,” she said, nodding her head. Would Summer still want to go when she got back? We had no idea what she was going through. It could be bad. I clenched my jaw and forced out images that I really didn’t want to see. The thought of her being hurt was too much. She’ll be fine. No matter what she was going through, whatever it was, I would fix it.
***
I drove past Colin’s house slowly and stared in at his front yard. There was no car in the driveway, but there was a garage. Could he be in? It was quarter past four in the afternoon, so odds were he was at work.
Summer could be in there. But surely she could leave if he was at work? It didn’t really make sense. Maybe he had her somewhere else. But maybe there was a clue inside. I got out of my car and looked back over my shoulder, double-checking that you definitely couldn’t see it from the road.