I gape at him, my mouth hanging to my knees, at a loss for words. He’s acting like this isn’t a big deal, but it is. A huge, fucked up, confusing deal that I don’t know how to comprehend or handle.
I remain quiet to the point that it feels like I want to bang my head on the wall just to make some noise. I keep staring at Luke, unable to take my eyes off him. Part of me, the one connected to the side of my mind that still wants to believe in fairytales, unicorns, and all that imaginary shit, tells myself that the only reason I’m sitting here with him still is because my legs hurt too much to get up and walk away. But the other part of me, the one connected to the part of my mind that laughs at me when I’m trying to lie to myself, tells me that I’m still sitting here because I want to be here. And that in itself is horrifying.
‘Violet, please say something.’ There’s a plea in Luke’s voice, begging me to … break the awkwardness? To maybe say it back? I don’t know if that’s it, but what I do know is that I can’t. I don’t even know what love is.
‘I need to get down to the police station.’ I stare at him a second or two longer before tearing my gaze off him. ‘Detective Stephner is probably wondering where the hell I am by now.’ I don’t know how, but I manage to get my legs under me and stand up without falling back down. Then I slowly step toward the dresser to get some clean clothes.
‘Are you sure you don’t want to wait until the tomorrow?’ he asks. ‘Get some rest before you go?’
‘I just want to get this over with.’ I select a red shirt, a pair of jeans, and a matching bra and panties. I think about asking him to step out so I can change, but worry that’ll just make this situation even more awkward. It’s not like I normally ask him to step out. In fact, I sometimes strip in front of him to tease him. So I remove my shirt off and toss it on the floor, the bracelet getting caught in the fabric in the process. ‘Hey, you didn’t by chance find a silver bracelet, did you? And put it on me? ‘I ask as casually as I can as I work to untangle the bracelet form my dress.
‘No … Why … And what bracelet?’
‘Just a bracelet …’ I clear my throat, knowing he’s going to be upset that I didn’t tell him about the box a while ago, but figuring I’m going to have to if I want to get to the bottom of why the bracelet was on my arm. So I tell him, not just about the box but how I swear it wasn’t on my wrist when I left the house yesterday evening.
He scratches his head as I finally take off the bracelet and tug it from the dress, ripping the fabric a little. ‘Are you sure you didn’t have it on and maybe just thought you took it off.’
Once I get the bracelet out of the fabric, I set it on the dresser. ‘Maybe … but I don’t even like it on me at all so it’d be weird if I did leave it there.’
His frown deepens while studying me as I struggle to get my bra on through the pain radiating through my back. ‘Well, it could just be that you accidentally forgot to take it off, but I still think you should say something to the Detective, considering the box that showed up the other night … Preston’s getting more.’ He grinds his teeth. ‘More daring.’
‘God, what if he was in the house … but how could he even get it on me without me knowing …’ I trail off as images of me in the river and a figure in the distance appear in my head. The crowd standing around me as I lay on the ground, choking up water. Was he there? In the middle of them? No, there’s no way Preston could have been there, yet I swear I see his haunting face in the memory. I think about telling Luke my conclusion, but I’ve already stressed him out enough for the day, so I decide to just tell the detective. ‘Okay, I’ll bring it up.’
Luke relaxes then stands up from the bed. ‘Here let me help you get that on.’
I tense as he crosses the room, stopping so close, and heat pours over my skin like warm honey. Within seconds he has the bra done up, then without saying anything, he takes the clean shirt from my hand and helps me pull it over my head. He lets me use his shoulder to support my weight while I put my panties and jeans on.
‘You want me to go with you?’ he asks as I fasten the button on my jeans.
‘To the police station?’ I flip my hair out of the collar of my shirt, getting a whiff of the damp stench flowing off the locks. Jesus, I need a shower.
Luke nods with uneasiness. ‘Yeah, I can give you a ride and then wait for you in the parking lot.’
‘What if it takes a while?’ I slip my foot into one of my boots, then lean over to tie it, moving slowly because of the pain.
After watching me struggle for a few seconds, he crouches down and ties my boot for me. ‘I’m sure it will, but I don’t want you going there alone, especially after everything that’s been going on.’
‘I could ask Greyson to come with me maybe.’ I’m trying to give him an out because there’s no way he could want to go with me, not with what I’m about to do. ‘That might be easier.’
Looking up from me, he arches a brow with accusation. ‘For who exactly? You? Or me?’
‘You … I mean, it’s your mom … in jail … and I’m going there to try and help keep her there … won’t it be weird?’
Shaking his head and not say anything, he helps me put my other boot on. Then he stands back up and looks me directly in the eye with passion pouring off him as he places his hands on my shoulders. ‘Violet let me get something straight. Right here. Right now. My mother physically, mentally, and emotionally beat me and tormented me.’ His voice cracks, but he quickly clears it and keeps going. ‘She broke my sister Amy, let someone rape her … is part of the reason why Amy decided to take her own life. Every single day living with her was like spending a year in hell. I fucking hate her, wish I was the one putting her in jail, so believe me when I tell you that I want this to happen too – I want her to be locked up forever.’
I know a lot about Luke through tidbits of stories we’ve shared with each other whenever we’re in our room in the dark, but never so bluntly, so openly like this. I have to catch my breath before I speak. What I really want to do is kiss him, but I’m too afraid after what he just said … with the whole I love you thing. Afraid of what it’ll mean … to him … to me. ‘Alright, come with me.’ Then I take his hand and we walk side by side and, for the briefest second, I feel like I’m stepping into the future for once instead of drowning in the past. Maybe this is why I chose not to drown. But then I remember where I’m going and the past catches up with me again.
Chapter 9
Luke
I can tell she doesn’t want me to go inside the station with her but it worries me, her going in to face the woman who was part of one of the worst days of her life. To see her again … I can’t even imagine how that’s going to make her feel. Violet’s pretending like it’s not a big deal but I know it is. No wonder she had a break down yesterday.
I don’t think that Detective Stephner would appreciate me being in there, though, so I make it easy for Violet and tell her I’ll wait for her in the truck. Instantly my mind starts to race with thoughts of what’s going on inside, what I said to Violet today, with what’s going to happen with us. Not just with my mother being caught finally, but after what I said to her. I love her. I’ve known that for weeks now, but I’ve been waiting until we were both ready before I said it aloud, wanted to be on better terms in both our lives and our relationship. But it sort of slipped out. I’m not even sure how, other than I was thinking about my shitty life with my mother and how glad I was that she was finally going to be behind bars. I started thinking of my life now and how much better it is, how much happier I am, even with all the complications. And how glad I am that I have Violet. Then Violet said something about how she was worried she’d be alone and suddenly, the words sort of slipped out because I wanted her to understand that I would never leave her. That she means way too much for that to ever happened, but instead of bringing her comfort it frightened her and, honestly, it kind of stung.
‘Dammit. Did I fuck this up?’ I grip onto the steering wheel, trying to
calm down and think of something else, but it’s all I can think of. When my head feels like it’s on the verge of exploding, I decide to call my father to let him know what’s happening, figuring it’ll be a distraction from my obsessive need to analyze Violet and mine’s relationship.
‘Hey, Luke,’ he answers after three rings.
‘Mom’s in jail,’ I tell him. ‘They arrested her for … for her involvement in Violet’s parents’ murders.’
‘Luke, I’m so sorry,’ he says sympathetically.
I lean back in the seat of the truck and stare out the window at the stars. I remember when I first got my license and this truck, how I used to sleep in it just to avoid going home. I’d just park somewhere out in the mountains and turn on some music and stare up at the night sky, basking in the peace of not having to be anywhere near my mother. ‘You don’t need to be sorry. I’m glad she’s locked up.’
‘That’s not what I’m sorry for,’ he tells me with a heavy-hearted sigh. ‘I’m sorry you have to go through this … that you and Violet have to go through this. It has to be tough … your mother … her parents … God, I can’t even imagine how Violet feels right now.’
‘I can’t either, since she won’t talk to me about it.’ I’ve never been one for talking about personal stuff going in my life so I surprise us both when I say this. I didn’t even mean to say it aloud, but between the stress and lack of sleep, my brain’s been working a little slow the last couple of weeks.
‘That’s pretty understandable, considering the circumstances.’ He pauses. ‘How are you handling it?’
‘I already told you I’m glad that she’s in jail.’
‘Not with that. I mean, handling Violet being distant.’
I shrug even though he can’t see me. ‘Fine, I guess.’
‘Luke … you don’t sound fine.’ There’s hesitancy in his voice, something that exists because our relationship is still rocky. I feel like I’m just getting to know my dad after years of him being pretty much nonexistent in my life and I think he feels guilty for being nonexistent, especially after finding out some of the stuff that went on with my mother while Amy and I were growing up. ‘You know I’m here if you need to talk.’
I plan on telling him that I’m fine again. That I called him just to give him a heads up on what’s going on with my mother, but suddenly words are leaving my lips that I don’t mean to say. ‘I told Violet I love her.’ Fuck.
‘Oh.’ He’s silent, thinking about who the fuck knows. Probably that his son is still screwing up, something I’ve proved to him quite a few times with my drinking and gambling habit.
‘I told her right after she told me about mom,’ I say then add with a sarcastic laugh, ‘Perfect fucking time, right?’
He chuckles on the other end of the line ‘I told Trevor I loved him during his grandmother’s funeral.’
‘Well he married you so it must have worked.’ I aim for a light tone but suck at it big time.
He chuckles again. ‘I was just telling you so you’d know that when it happens it happens and sometimes we can’t help it when we fall in love. It just sort of blindsides us, you know.’
He’s completely right. When I first realized I was in love with Violet, it came out of nowhere. It was like one minute I liked her and wanted to help her and the next minute I loved her and would do anything for her. ‘I’ve known for a while.’ I free a trapped breath, deciding if I want to go down this road with him, where we talk about our feeling and personal shit. What the hell am I doing? This doesn’t sound like me at all. But am I really me anymore? My eyes wander to the rearview mirror, the person staring back at me isn’t me either. They look healthier. More stable. My eyes less glossy, skin less pale.
‘That you loved her?’ He carries on with caution
I squirm at the sound of the love. Unlike Violet, I did hear it a lot from my mother while growing up, but it always felt wrong when she said it … and the way she showed it. ‘Yeah … I’ve known for like a month and have been waiting for the perfect time to say it to her. But like I said, I fucked up on that one big time.’
A gap of silence passes.
‘What did Violet say after you told her?’ he asks.
‘Not much.’ It’s painful just remembering it, the endless silence that followed. ‘There was a fuck-load of awkward silence and then she said she needed to go down to the police station to see if she could identify mom as the person in the house that night.’
‘So where are you now? ‘
I pick at the crack in the steering wheel as I look over at the police station, noticing a guy standing beside a tree near the entryway, smoking a cigarette. I wouldn’t even have noticed him probably, but he’s staring directly at my truck. ‘Outside the station waiting for her.’ I lean forward trying to get a better look at the guy, but it’s too dark to see his face. For all I know, it could be Preston. But would he dare come to a police station?
My father grows quiet as I continue to stare the guy down and he looks as if he’s doing the same thing back. I think about getting out, start reaching for the handle, when he takes a drag of his cigarette, then flicks it on the ground and walks off toward the parking lot. I open the door to get out, but by the time I get my boots planted on the ground, he’s walked up to a Ford Taurus where a pregnant woman is waiting for him. He kisses her then opens the passenger door for her and the light from the lamppost in the parking lot hit his face. It’s not Preston, but it’s a realization of how worried and paranoid I am and how much I never relax.
I just want to be able to relax again. Not worry.
‘So Trevor and I were thinking about taking a trip out there soon.’ My father interrupts my thoughts and I look away from the guy and fix my attention on the night sky again. ‘Maybe we could fly out in a couple of weeks … help out with anything you guys need help with.’
‘I have football games on the weekends,’ I tell him, which is true, but I’m also not sure I want him to come out yet, not sure if I’m ready for that.
‘That could be fun,’ he says with a hint of excitement. ‘I’ve never seen you play before.’
I want to say that’s because you abandoned me, but I’ve been trying to work on that shit ever since I had to borrow money from him to bail me out of a gambling debt, which he won’t let me repay. And I don’t want to be the kind of son that uses his father for money.
‘I have to work on Sundays too,’ I say. ‘But if you’re okay with that then sure. Come out.’
‘Are you still working at that bar?’ he wonders with concern. I don’t blame him for worrying. Recovering drinker working at the bar. It’s not the ideal situation but I’m looking for something else that will work with my school schedule, games and practice. But still, the fact that he’s bringing it up is kind of annoying me.
‘I applied at a few other places,’ I explain, shaking off my annoyance the best that I can. ‘But haven’t heard anything yet.’
‘You’re not thinking about … about gambling again, right?’
Honestly, I haven’t thought about it a whole lot, but that might be because I’ve been so focused on Violet. ‘I’m good. I promise.’
‘Okay … I just wanted to check up on you … I worry, you know, about you,’ he says and I can detect the smallest bit of relief in his voice as if he’d been worried I’d been going back to my old habits. ‘I’ll get some tickets booked so we can fly out in few weeks and let you know what time our flight lands.’
‘Sounds good.’ It’s strange. My dad is coming to Laramie, to see me. Not long ago I would have fought it, but now I just have to accept what is otherwise I’ll go back to the Luke that hangs onto everything and drowns his pain away with booze.
‘And Luke? ‘
‘Yeah.’
‘If you need anything call me.’
Just a few words, but they mean a lot. Getting way too fucking emotional, I reply with an ‘okay,’ then hang up, telling myself to stop acting like a pussy and suck it up. To distr
act myself, I crank up some music and start searching through job ads online on my phone, but I start to grow restless as more time ticks by. Thirty minutes. One hour. Two. God, I wish I knew what was going on in there. Wish I knew that Violet was okay and that seeing my mother wasn’t breaking her.
Chapter 10
Violet
I’ve never been a fan of police stations. The noises: phones ringing, loud voices, commotions. It smells like takeout and I’m starving. It’s driving me crazy and is bringing back the few times I had to visit some while I was growing up, both for myself the few times I got into trouble and for my parents’ case. It’s unsettling and making me fidgety. And it’s not helping that it’s taking forever. I’ve been sitting outside Detective Stephner’s office for a couple of hours, waiting for him to show up and tell me it’s time to go back – time to get this over with. I feel bad for Luke sitting out there in his truck, probably wondering where I am and I can’t even call him since I left my phone at the apartment.
I think about going outside to tell him that maybe he should just wait for me at the apartment, when Detective Stephner comes strolling up to me from one of the cubicles. He has a folder tucked in his hand and a cup of coffee in his hand and is wearing a suit, the jacket open, revealing his tie with Christmas trees on it.
‘You know it’s not Christmas, right?’ I elevate my eyebrows at him, sarcasm dripping from my voice as he tosses the coffee into the trash bin beside me.
His forehead creases as he sifts through some papers in his hand. ‘Huh?’
I point at his tie. ‘It’s October, shouldn’t those be like pumpkins or something?’
He distractedly glances away from the papers and down at the tie. ‘Oh that.’ He laughs, scratching his head. ‘Yeah, my wife must have laid out the wrong one for me this morning.’
‘Your wife lays your clothes out for you? How very nineteen fifties of you, and kind of sexist.’